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director23 posted 4/4/2019 08:56 AM

does this mean you will also owe no child support?
Yes, my state beleives that the child must be able to live the same type of life regardless of whom he spends time with, but the more time spend with each parent, the less CS that is owed if one party's income is greater than the other. I will owe minimal CS.

Are you confident she will be approved to fully assume your mortgage on your house?
Once condo is out of both of our names it will allow her to be sole owner if she can assume the loan, which we have confirmed she can. Her grandparents are going through a difficult situation financially and it is believed that once they sell their house they are in now, they will move in with her and essentially pay rent. This entire stipulation will be a part of the decree, as well as having the house put up for sale by xx date if this solution is not able to actually occur.

I hope you are getting half the equity of both the house and condo.
Half of current property yes, but condo no; I simply want out of it and I personally had minimal investment in the purchase. To make things easier, I approached her with wanting nothing for condo if I got essentially everything else I wanted, which is exactly the case.

Just make sure you don't miss any date/time limited requirements!
Definitely on top of it; I appreciate the input.

You stand a much, much, much better chance of winning the lottery
I completely understand your point as a whole; the true possibility of me being identified as the father is very slim, but in reality there is still a chance no matter how small.

you will be the legal parent no matter what, and will actively have to prove otherwise.
100% correct. I am assumed the father since we were married at the time of conception, and until proven I am not essentially. This is why its typically best to wait to finalize the decree until paternity is proven, because if you dont then we would have to go make to court to set the newborn childs visitation/custody schedule; best just to wait and get it all wrapped up at the same time, and all per lawyer.

[This message edited by director23 at 8:58 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]

Jsmart posted 4/4/2019 09:39 AM

Your MIL is a real Cruella DaVille. It's bad enough that you're being
forced to become a part time dad thanks to your STBX's whoring but this woman believes her daughter is entitled to walk away with cash and prizes too?

Is her response because she doesn't want her daughters and thereby the families reputation to be tarnished or is it that she visited this same abuse on her own husband. They're different reactions combined with the fact the they've been arguing of this means it's highly likely that your STBX was at least a 2nd generation adulteress.

You should be playing hard ball with both STBX and their family. Playing nice by letting her have all the equity and appreciation on the condo is a jesture that hurts you and gives you no upside. With both of you on equal economic footing, why is it the betrayed husband that's expected to take the high road? I wouldn't leave any of my share on the table after such a betrayal.

Also as was mentioned, she should be on her own health insurance. The last thing you need is to end up having to pay huge deductibles for her affair baby. God forbid there's any complication during the birth, the hospital bill can easily ramp up.

all of us here can see that you're a stand up, do the right thing, type of guy but something about you sleeping in the basement after such a cruel betrayal doesn't sit right with me.

director23 posted 4/4/2019 11:46 AM

thereby the families reputation to be tarnished
Absolutely. This is a small town. Lots to worry about on their end with this not only affecting their personal lives, but also professional.

why is it the betrayed husband that's expected to take the high road?
I'm more interested in this to simply show how little i care about the condo situation and that i simply want out asap and attempt to make that as evident I can. Montra is essentially, I want nothing to do with you unless it involves our son, I'm willing to make it easy if you give me what I ask, but if not, I am not afraid to fight. I'm getting everything I have asked for.

she should be on her own health insurance
I forgot to address this. As soon as the divorce is finalized, that month she will be kicked off my insurance. This has been verified by my employer. I am allowing her to remain on my insurance until the divorce is finalized so that healthcare expenses are covered if the baby ends up being mine, but she is paying the costs 100% herself for copays and all that going forward.

sleeping in the basement
Its actually a very nice basement; completely finished and is all my space. I have been able to easily find comfort there.

The1stWife posted 4/5/2019 16:37 PM

Your message is loud and clear (at least to me).

The STBXW may not get it - but basically you are relaying “you are dead to me”. Give me what I want - move on.

Good move. Well played.

The fact you didn’t fall into her trap and she cannot control you is killing her - she just won’t ever admit it. Of course she has to save face.

OptionedOut posted 4/11/2019 11:55 AM

So sorry you are going through this.

The dysfunction didn't fall from the tree (it rarely does). WW is dysfunctionally toxic. So is her mother.

WH's family is dysfunctional. When the A was exposed, one sister started saying I needed to forgive. The other one insists that she will side with her brother and that he deserves to be happy. Of course, she'd say that - she was the AP in a 12-yr affair. Their mother got pregnant to steal their father from his wife (and the affair started when she was 16, he 32).

Toxic people. Detach. Do not engage. Get away. Don't talk to them. Don't see them. It sounds like they are trying to set you up.

director23 posted 4/18/2019 22:31 PM

Soon to be x father in law called me today. Not out of the norm as we have to communicate since our professions are intertwined; asked me to meet him for lunch tomorrow at a local market. Never done this before and its highly unusual for him to do this. His routine for lunch has been the same for about 35 years and i've never known him to shy away from it.

I've agreed but am seriously considering taking a rain check. He has talked to me once in private in the 3 months since d-day. We were quite close before all this happened.

Things that have happened since last posts:
-Set up legal test for paternity and already visited hospital that took dna cheek swab. Conveniently its the same location the child will be born at, so there should be no issues in getting sample collected within days of the birth.
-stbxw and her family went on 5 day long trip with our son. I will get time made up when I choose. Night before they left she wanted to "talk" she asked lots of questions that got really short answers. Most questions were about feelings. I simply repeated my self many times in saying this is over, and the only reason i'm still living here is because i literally cant go anywhere else for time being. She wanted me to get pissed and yell and tell her I hate her; I was textbook indifferent. No emotion. Even while she sat there sobbing begging me to reconsider I just stood across the room and was silent.
- The next morning, stbxw took our wedding box (box of literally everything from our wedding including candles we lit, photos, champagne glasses, etc) and broke/tore everything up and threw it all into a storage bin of mine that has a bunch of my high school memorabilia. She did this on purpose because she knew I was going to begin to go through my things and begin to separate them. I cleaned up mess, and finished the task. I decided that I would keep all of the wedding memorabilia so that I can show it to our son one day and if he chooses to not keep it that will be his decision.
- When stbxw came back from trip she eventually saw that the mess and many of my things were gone. That night she sobbed her self to sleep; I think she finally came around to the fact that I am done and holding her accountable for her actions.
- Stbxw took cort ordered class that deals with children in divorces; I completed it over a month ago.
-Court date set to July; as of right now we have nothing we are at odds over as far as schedule, possessions, etc.

[This message edited by director23 at 4:22 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

ChamomileTea posted 4/18/2019 23:26 PM

It's a possibility that he just misses you, given that you were close. It's also possible though that he wants to talk about the impending divorce and see where your head is at. I mean, it's only natural when a huge life event like a divorce is in play that it would be on his mind. If you want to give him the opportunity to forge a post-divorce buddy relationship with you though, I'd say maybe just lay your cards on the table and let him know you're not up for discussing the STBX. So, if he wants to grab some lunch and shoot the breeze, that's one thing. If he's there to influence an outcome, that ship has sailed.

It all kind of depends on what sort of relationship you want with him later. He's always going to have a father's interest in his daughter's well-being, so bear that in mind. He may (or may not) be capable of following through with a post-divorce friendship. As parents of adult children, my fWH and I have become quite fond of our kids' girlfriends and boyfriends. If we're put to the choice, we choose our kid of course. But that doesn't mean we stop feeling warmly toward the ex. I think last time my daughter broke up, we were more sad about it than she was.

This could be a good opportunity to forge a different kind of relationship with your STBXFIL, but I think it depends on being frank with him in terms of what you're willing to tolerate.

Jduff posted 4/19/2019 00:38 AM

stbxw took our wedding box (box of literally everything from our wedding including candles we lit, photos, champagne glasses, etc) and broke/tore everything up

She virtually did this the first time she fucked the OM. She's just now following it through with actions...what drama. I wonder why none of that were effective reminders that kept her from crossing that line in the first place? <sarcasm>

You know what? It doesn't matter. There are better days ahead for you if which none of them require that you eat more shit sandwiches, like your STBXW wants you to now just swallow those bites and rugsweep. She really showed you who she was.


Jorge posted 4/19/2019 01:12 AM

I see nothing wrong with it. He may unknowingly reveal something you can use for your own benefit. You in turn can be cordially evasive. An attorney friend of mine once said, never, ever underestimate your opponent.

Since he's the dad of your STBXW, he's on the opposing team. However, it is possible, he's wrought with shame being the dad of an adulterous daughter whose scandalous behavior has embarrassed him to the point he can no longer remain silent.

From your perspective however, you only have to listen and keep it light. And should he ask an question on your position(s), you can give him the (my attorney INSIST I discuss the divorce with no one aside from him....I'm sure you understand) line.

It's an easy out enabling you to remain respectful towards him as If I'm not mistaken he's been the only decent one in her family.

Jduff posted 4/19/2019 06:11 AM

If you do decide to go meet the FIL as a precaution you might want to take a VAR with you.

director23 posted 4/19/2019 13:46 PM

Met with stbxfil, everything we fine. He wanted to know how I was doing, we talked about work. He was curious to know if i'm still looking for a house to purchase and i explained nothing can really be done until November so i haven't been up to anything.

He explained that there trip which my stbxw and son went on would have been a lot better if i had been able to come but he understands it was my decision not to and he respects that. Says he has no hard feelings about this whole thing, and he honestly has been staying away from it all and really doesnt know much other than he knows things have gotten better as far as the fighting.

He invited me over for their family Easter, i definitely got the feeling he is pretty upset that what his daughter has done is negatively affecting him so badly. I truly think he looked at me as a son he never had and is really conflicted with the situation as a whole.

[This message edited by director23 at 1:48 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Jorge posted 4/19/2019 14:51 PM

Good to hear. It went kind of how I thought it would considering your past comments on his disposition on this whole matter. This is KILLING HIM. He knows his daughter F'D up royally, but can't publicly ridicule her for fear of losing her and his wife. He needed to get some things off his chest and could no longer stay silent. His conscience was eating him from the inside out.At least that's how it would be for me.

Quick story. In October, 2012, my son was expelled from a catholic high school for violating a conduct code. Through social media, he cussed out and threatened a female student who reported it to her dad and her dad notified the school. The young lady was reportedly traumatized by what my son had done.

It KILLED ME. I wrote a heartfelt letter to everyone involved, the school, the victim and the victim's parents offering apologies. I insisted my son do the same as well as start IC immediately.

In the letter, I requested a meeting of the two families so that my family could express our condolences hand in hand, eye to eye so that the victim and her family could begin healing and perhaps move forward with some confidence that my son was f'ng done with that shit. He had never done ANYTHING before or since that suggested he was capable of such a thing. Didn't matter though. He still did it.

I also asked the high school administrators to phone the victim's parents to request a meet up. To my dismay, the family refused to meet with us. I understood then and now. The young lady (victim) finished the semester out and transferred to another school. I'm still saddened that my son would cause such a drastic reaction and change of another person and family.

To this day, I contact the high school principal each October to see if he's been in contact with the student or student's parents and an update on how she's doing. I keep hoping the principal can provide some news, but each year he says he's not heard from the family since 2012.

So, I was in your STBXW's dad's shoes before and by agreeing to meet with him, you bestowed grace to someone who needed it, whether you knew it or not. With all that said though, continue to play things close to the vest until the divorce goes through.

[This message edited by Jorge at 3:53 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Freeme posted 4/19/2019 15:45 PM

Don't really have much to add except that you are handling this really well. Detached but not vindictive, kind but not "leading her on or creating false hope. Consistent..

I'm guessing she is past the 8 month mark and must realize that things will be changing very soon. You were wise not to go on the vacation with them. I'd keep the Easter Family celebration at her house short.

firenze posted 4/19/2019 17:14 PM

Director, while I would echo the sentiments expressed here that your soon-to-be former FIL may not always been on "your side" so to speak, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that you two could maintain a good relationship. As an example, I have a good relationship with my former in-laws and my former FIL in particular. He was always a very kind, laid back man who I had never seen raise his voice, but on DDay I watched as he absolutely lit into his daughter. He yelled at her, called her a whore to her face, and made her crumple into a blubbering mess on the floor. He was so disappointed and humiliated by what she had done to me and our daughter, and so angry because she had spent months before DDay feeding them lies about what a terrible husband I'd become so that they'd support her when she finally declared her intent to divorce me. I felt really badly for him and his wife that their daughter had tried to play them too.

Her parents made sure she didn't try to pull any bullshit when we were negotiating divorce terms and played a vital role acting as go-betweens helping us co-parent during the early days. I had and still have a lot of appreciation for them.

All that is to say, it's possible that your STBWX's dad really is a stand-up guy who has it in him to value righteousness over blood, and it's possible that you two could remain on good terms. Just err on the side of caution.

director23 posted 4/21/2019 14:57 PM

Easter went ok. Her whole family was there and we had brunch and then an easy egg hunt for our son and his cousin. No issues or awkwardness at all. Spent most of the time talking with her dad and her grandpa; like we always typically would during family events.

Marz posted 4/21/2019 17:38 PM

- The next morning, stbxw took our wedding box (box of literally everything from our wedding including candles we lit, photos, champagne glasses, etc) and broke/tore everything up and threw it all into a storage bin of mine that has a bunch of my high school memorabilia. She did this on purpose because she knew I was going to begin to go through my things and begin to separate them.

Just spite on her part.

They all think they deserve a guaranteed second chance. It's an entitled mind set.

She's just not and never was relationship material

Marz posted 4/21/2019 17:43 PM

I feel sorry for your FIL. He seems genuinely a good guy.

You need to understand this though. At some point you'll want another relationship and no other women is going to want an X in the mix in any shape or form. If you don't distance them it may sabotage your future.

It sucks but it's your new reality.

ibonnie posted 4/21/2019 19:41 PM

At some point you'll want another relationship and no other women is going to want an X in the mix in any shape or form.

Marz, THEY HAVE A KID TOGETHER! There's going to be an ex in the mix in some shape or form.

Long story short, my in-laws divorced when my WH was 11. His father disowned him. I've taken the kids to visit my MIL solo (they live 1,000+ miles away), because sometimes my WS couldn't get off work. Anyways, she's been divorced for over 20 years, remarried for almost 15, and she still does things like take me and the kids to go see her ex-BIL, SIL & kids.

Her husband still has legal dealings with his ex-SIL because he inherited property after his ex-wife died.

At WS & I's post-wedding BBQ, there were ex-in-laws from both sides.

Unless you're in a really toxic situation and need to parallel parent, the odds of you not being somewhat in contact with an ex or in-laws is slim. Religious functions (communion? Bar mitzvah?), school graduations, homecoming and/or prom dances, etc. If he can maintain a good, cordial relationship with his ex-in-laws, then good for him.

Marz posted 4/21/2019 20:54 PM

Marz, THEY HAVE A KID TOGETHER! There's going to be an ex in the mix in some shape or form.

Only to a point. It can be limited. Don't be be
Naive

[This message edited by Marz at 8:54 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

Bigger posted 4/22/2019 08:18 AM

Ibonnie is right.
There is a kid in the mix and there will be some interaction with the ex-wife. If Director dates a woman that insists on no contact whatsoever with the mother of his son… My advice would be for Director to keep searching for a good woman.
But be clear on what your relationship is with your ex at that time. You are co-parents of a loved child.


Director – I find the interaction with the in-law family strange. Is everyone in the know? Do they know you have filed and are inevitably headed for divorce irrespective of paternity? Do they know of the paternal doubt? Do they know who the possible father is?

Honestly – I know a few people that have divorced, many even have some contact with their exes due to kids and many even are on very good terms with their exes. But I don’t know a single person that still goes for Thanksgiving dinner with their former in-laws… It’s inevitable that the relationship changes.

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