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director23 posted 7/25/2019 09:05 AM

Mediation was last week.

stbxww started things off by backtracking everything we had discussed in person and went back to original stipulation offer of asking for full custody. My lawyer almost lost his shit. Explained to mediator that its absolutely unacceptable and told mediator to go back over and tell them if she doesn't agree to joint everything then we're done and going to trial and we'll be asking for full custody.

Mediator was gone for about an hour and came back and said stbxww agreed to joint and we then essentially just worked through the financials and schedule; which we had already done. At the end of it all, 3.5 hours later, my lawyer was fuming because he knew this was all settled, and for whatever reason stbxww/her lawyer wanted to go through the whole process as if we hadn't ever discussed everything.

As of right now everything is 100% agreed upon and we are just waiting on our lawyers to finalize the decree so we can sign. As soon as we do sign, it'll be sent to the court for a judge to sign off on and that will be it.

I will end up paying a little more per month than i need to but it will work out in the end because it will prevent stbxww from asking for a change to increase amounts for quite some time. Flip side of it is I'm getting the exact schedule i originally asked for including the rotation of holidays.

I'm happy with what I'll be signing, and no matter what it sounds like within a week I will be divorced.

ramius posted 7/25/2019 09:38 AM

ďFree at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.Ē

Tigersrule77 posted 7/25/2019 10:41 AM

Congratulations. I'm glad things went well.

I hope you are looking forward to your future with your son. I'm sure you will have a lot of great times.

WornDown posted 7/25/2019 11:11 AM

I'm glad your mediation worked out in the end.

But don't be surprised if you ex suddenly balks.

ChamomileTea posted 7/25/2019 11:17 AM

I wish I could say that her behavior was unbelievable, but honestly, she's been true to her own script... a monster right to the bitter end. I'm so happy for you that you're going to be able to move on with your life. Have you got a new place yet? You should throw a giant housewarming when you do. You deserve to celebrate your hard-won freedom from abuse.

I do think you'd be wise to "grey rock" for quite a long while though after the ink is dry. She might be out of your face, but until your son is grown, she's still in a position to create drama for you. You might want to try a parenting app in order to minimize direct contact.

Bigger posted 7/25/2019 11:35 AM

I might have missed it but what about the OM child?
Is it clear and court-defined that you have no responsibility regarding that child?
How has that child been handled in the divorce procedures?

Until a court says so then YOU ARE the legal father and I'm surprised you can finalize divorce until this issue has been completely dealt with.

director23 posted 7/25/2019 14:26 PM

Have you got a new place yet
Within the month (hopefully sooner) I will be purchasing a new place for myself. Definitely planning on having a celebration and a couple of my buddies have already mentioned I had better be prepared for the unexpected.

Is it clear and court-defined that you have no responsibility regarding that child
Yes. 100% zero responsibility/involvement. When the judge signs off they will also be declaring I am not legally the father. Divorce papers are stipulate the child's last name will be changed from mine to whichever stbxww chooses.

nothisfriend posted 7/25/2019 15:03 PM

Wow, it looks like the end is in sight. Thankfully...

Ripped62 posted 7/26/2019 04:29 AM

It is amazing what was once agreed to becomes no longer valid. I am glad you were able to achieve settlement during mediation.

There is a peace that comes from finalizing the divorce and resolving paternity.

Congratulations on getting out of infidelity and not allowing your very soon to be ex-ww to manipulate you.

(Hopefully the judge has signed the decree.)

I would follow Cooley2's suggestion about limiting contact as much as possible and becoming a gray rock.

Take care of yourself as what you have been through really takes a toll on mind, body, and spirit.

Utilize your mental energy for brighter and happier thoughts.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 4:51 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

ChangeMaker posted 7/26/2019 07:24 AM

You handled this like a champ, Director.

Soon, you'll be out the other side and on your way to brighter days.

I hope you'll stick around, keep posting and maybe even help some folks along their way when you feel ready.

Jduff posted 7/26/2019 07:44 AM

Director, my XW also pulled that stunt of ignoring our agreed terms before our mediation. After she tried the "victim card" stunt the mediator had us mediate from separate rooms. The first thing her and her attorney offered up was demanding full custody with child support payment terms (she made the same pay as I did) and division of assets that more like 70/30 her favor. My attorney laughed at it then told the mediator it was no where close to what was agreed to before mediation and rejected the offer then we countered with the exact same terms XW demanded to show we can do this "all day long. The only losers here are the clients because they are paying the attorneys and the mediator by the hour." The mediator agreed and that's where she gave my XW that talk.

It is good to get that over with, right? Now go over that MSA with a fine tooth comb with your attorney. Another stunt that gets pulled are altered or intentionally left out terms of the draft. It gets blamed on the paralegal but they know what they are doing. I had to revise my MSA draft four times before I would sign off on it. You'de think you were dealing with a slimy car salesman with the purchase agreement.

Bigger posted 7/26/2019 09:47 AM

One of the ways SI is used is that others in comparable situations might read a thread and learn from it.

Iím happy for you that the legal process of removing you as the father of the OC was this simple and straight forward. However, I think others need to realize the IMMENSE difficulty usually involved in this process, and that in some states (CA comes to mind) itís near-impossible. I wonít pretend to know the legal process in all states or in all countries, but generally this is a separate legal process from the divorce, and needs to be dealt with BEFORE a judge will sign off on any custody arrangement that doesnít involve the OC.
In other words: The process of refuting paternity and the process of divorce are two separate court events and the paternity issue needs to be dealt with BEFORE the divorce (and custody) can be completed.

I think itís important to emphasize this because to-date it sounds like your process was simple and straight-forward, contrary to what I venture most would experience. Since the process is delicate and needs to be done in a certain order within a defined time-phase I think others need to be aware that your experience is probably the exception.


Curious9 posted 7/26/2019 12:24 PM

I hope this nightmare ends really soon for you. I hope she doesn't cause you anymore grief but I bet she will. Once she is really alone she will see what her life will be like not having you there.


Stay strong. Don't let her in at all. You deserve far better than what you were given.

fareast posted 7/26/2019 14:27 PM

Director23:

Your StbxWW handed you an awful shitsandwich and a terrible dilemma. Despite being in obvious pain because of her betrayal you have handled yourself extremely well. You stuck to your plan and resisted every manipulation and gaslighting.

There will be someone else for you down the road. You are a good man. It will happen.

Well done!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻✊🏻

director23 posted 7/29/2019 08:05 AM

Need some input.

This weekend my stbxww's cousin is getting married. Her cousin and soon to be wife and us are/were all good friends. Before this all happened we would drink and hangout on the weekends and frequently on weekdays as well.

He asked me personally about everything back in February and I told him; he got pretty upset and was pretty mad at my stbxww; to my knowledge they haven;t spoken since he found out what happened.

They did invite us individually to their wedding. It is likely that if i choose to go, I would sit with stbxww entire immediate family as well as with my son. There will be a lot of people at this wedding, potentially close to 500.

SI thoughts on going?

I have through about going to the ceremony and then not going immediately to the reception for cocktail hour and all that; essentially just show up when the meal would be served so i can watch the speeches and make an appearance at both events; i've also thought about just going to ceremony.

Stbxww has asked me many times/questions about going. Even suggested riding together, which will not be happening.

[This message edited by director23 at 8:06 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

ibonnie posted 7/29/2019 08:22 AM

They did invite us individually to their wedding.

Didn't you have to RSVP to this like a month ago? I say a month ago, because rule of thumb is send out wedding invites two months in advance, as for RSVP month before. If you already said you were going, it would be really rude not to show up.

It is likely that if i choose to go, I would sit with stbxww entire immediate family as well as with my son.

You're assuming that they would seat you two together, but is it possible that they would seat you at a friends or singles table?

If you already said you would go, I would go. They've probably paid a lot of money to have you be there. If you didn't say you would go, I would skip it. If they're really your friends, they'd understand that you have a lot going on in your life right now AND weddings are depressing AF for people going through or newly divorced.

ChangeMaker posted 7/29/2019 08:33 AM

You just have to decide what is right for YOU.

Personally, I would not go. It's her family, no matter how close you got to them.

It's part of the collateral damage that happens. I just found it easier to cut those ties early. They'll fall away eventually anyway.

Jduff posted 7/29/2019 09:51 AM

I would reach out to the cousin and ask him what he prefers, either you show up or not. If it is important for him that you participate and he is a close enough friend to you that you don't mind being there then just go but with the stipulation that you are not to be seated near the STBXW or grouped with her in any way. Also explain that the potential drama that may arise will be coming from your STBXW so he needs to consider that carefully. You are as cool as a cucumber but you have plenty of examples of her making dramatic scenes when she gets frustrated at you. If you told them about all of the instances then remind him and tell him to prepare having another family member shadow her at all times to intercede at the wedding when that shit goes down. Otherwise, you will excuse yourself from the remainder of the ceremonies.

Marz posted 7/29/2019 10:39 AM

This is your decision no one else's. Since it's her family which is no longer yours I wouldn't attend.

If I did go it would be separate seating only. Period.

I wouldn't worry about cancelling at the last minute under the circumstances. They should understand. With an attendance of @ 500 no one is going to miss you anyway.

ChamomileTea posted 7/29/2019 11:10 AM

I think you'd be wise to speak to your friend and beg off. Just tell him that you don't want to provide a target for STBXWW to make a scene at his wedding. Fact is, people get weird at weddings. They get emotional at the ceremony taking place, and then there's usually copious amounts of alcohol at the reception. Your WW has an established history of egocentric behavior and melodrama, and she's already primed for emotional outbursts because your divorce should be finalized in days. It's a recipe for disaster. I think that they'll understand if you point out that it's their special day and you don't want to take chances of anything ruining it. If you've already RSVP'd, be sure to offer to reimburse the meal.

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