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No More Questions

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Tron posted 7/29/2019 13:05 PM

Can you take the prettiest single girl in town as your date?

If that isn't an option then let the cousin know that you will only be attending provided that you aren't seated with your XW. He probably knows that already.

Then attend whatever part(s) of the event you want to attend.

Jorge posted 7/29/2019 13:16 PM

T

hey did invite us individually to their wedding

I think you do what makes you comfortable and happy and not do what makes other people comfortable and happy. It's your world now and your terms proceeding forward.

You've endured enough, humiliation and embarrassment and if you feel the eyes will be upon you and the whispers will be about you, then it's not going to work perhaps. I'd slip in late, sit in the back and leave before the newly married couple has confetti thrown upon them.

But not before the groom sees you. That's all he needs to do is see you to remember you were there. Or if you're inclined to sit with them, arrive late and leave early.

I attended a New Years Eve party with my fiance', less than 3 weeks after finding out about 2-3 months of cheating. The moment I got there I wanted to go home. I didn't know this until I got there though. I could barely make eye contact with her throughout the 3 hour party and she was attempting to do so the entire time to reconnect. It just wasn't in me.

Kind of felt bad for her actually, because I simply wasn't feeling it. If she was in room A, I found myself in room B. When she came into room B, 5 minutes later, I'd move to room C. At 12:00 midnight, I could barely give her a f'n peck on the lips and I couldn't wait to leave.

Partly because I knew even if know one else did. But what added to it is a friend of mine told me she was cheating and I didn't believe him. He was there and so people probably knew, so I had the paranoid factor going. Who knew and what would they think about me being with a woman who cheated?

To this day, I can tell you exactly where in that house we were, and I'd never been in the house before or after and this was over 20 years ago.Realized right then and there where my thoughts were and that was the last I saw of her for another 6 months.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/29/2019 14:11 PM

In all honesty, if they are going to have 500 guest, you're going to be talking to them for maybe 2-3 minutes. That vs you feeling awkward and annoyed by the exWW for 3-4 hrs. Thats not a good return on time. Its her cousin, and although you were once close, it won't be that way going forward. Just like you were close to her dad, that will slowly fade.

When you find that new girl, she'll probably have new cousins you will hang out with. Save yourself the grief, get her cousin a nice gift. They will understand after all you've been thru recently. People will be there that won't know your situation, than you find yourself in situations where you'll be asked what happened..... in my opinion, a wedding is probably not the best place to be emotionally right after a divorce, or to be discussing infidelity and divorce with other guest. And you know people are going to be asking/whispering in the background if they know.

Marz posted 7/29/2019 14:16 PM

Can you take the prettiest single girl in town as your date?

No, no, no!!!!! Don't do this!!!!!

Take two and have them do a prearranged fight over you.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/29/2019 14:59 PM

I would suggest that if the only people you know there are her family, I would not go. Or just go to the ceremony, if you want to be respectful. It will be awkward.

If you have other friends there that you can spend the evening with, then go and have fun. You can ignore the STBXWW in a crowd. If you are going, I would ask the bride and groom if they can put you at different tables.

NoOptTo posted 7/29/2019 17:27 PM

For what's it's worth, you were close with your XWW cousin. Talk to him a couple of days before his wedding. Wish him well, say for the good of all, you will not be a side show on his most important day due to your XW tendencies. Give him a generous gift that covers your meal. And say that we can get together after he returns from his honeymoon for a celebration drink out. This way, you show class by wishing him well, avoid any fallout that your XW might come up with, and you will see him afterwards.

Freeme posted 7/29/2019 18:23 PM

It is likely that if i choose to go, I would sit with stbxww entire immediate family as well as with my son. There will be a lot of people at this wedding, potentially close to 500.
Close to 500 people? Her entire immediate family? She has been hinting at sitting together/riding together? It looks like a recipe for disaster to me. You seem like such a great guy that the groom wanted to invite you to make sure you knew there were no hard feelings on his side... but thinking you wouldn't come. Knowing how your WW feels about you and her fantasy that you are going to suddenly want her back... Also her past volatile behavior (threatening suicide, yelling, crying...) I think you would be setting yourself up for a scene if you show and sit near them... or within eye site. I'd call the groom and find out if you could just attend the ceremony.

66charger posted 7/29/2019 18:52 PM

You can not go to this wedding. Based on your timeline, your divorce should be final right before the wedding. The risk of drama is too high. This is a wedding not a casual party.

If something goes bad, the wedding will be forever marred. For the sake of the bride and groom, you can not go.

director23 posted 7/31/2019 21:53 PM

I just want to say i greatly appreciate everyones input; each comment and different opinion helps me come full cirlce on exactly what could potentially play out, and how i feel about a given situation.

I have decided that I will only go to the ceremony, I will plan to show up just a few minutes before it begins, and then not attending the reception.

I truly beleive there will be whispers and eyes on me at any given instance, especially at the reception. This will lilely be an open bar, and xww family will definitely all booze. I can see the person i would least expect to say something that could easily set the night off, and to me its not worth potentially leaving a negative connotation on the wedding day for the bride and groom. I do plan to give more than enough cash to cover my meal, and iíll simply say that i was sorry i was unable to attend the reception but was glad i could make it for ceremony.

This week has been probably the best week of my life since my son was born.

First ,the house i had been planning to purchase was being dragged through every stupid loophole and after two months of submitting an offer and not being under contract i decided to pull it and put an offer on house which needs no work and is move in ready vs the previous. I am quite handy and very good with all construction so fixing the previous one was a plan, but i couldnt pass up this house iím now under contact for and will be living in it within the month.

Second, today I beame an unmarried man. I knew it would happen within the next week but wasnt planning on it being today. When the notice became official my xww messaged me and said how sad she was; never apoligized though. I didnt respond.

A big part of my reason for not attening reception is becasue i simply cant beleive she thinks that after everytihng, I would want to go to a wedding with her, appearing as her date, and acting as if nothing is wrong and i am OK with everything that has transpired over the past 8 months. I am not ok with it, which is why i chose divorce.

The title of this tread is No More Questions. I titled that because in february i knew that i wanted to know no more on what my then ww had done. She had done enough for me to want to cut any and all ties with her involving our marriage as soon as possible. That thought still remains today; i want to know nothing more from her about anything unless it relates to our child. Through this all i have no regrets, and am so excited to start my new life in less than 30 days.

[This message edited by director23 at 9:56 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 7/31/2019 21:58 PM

Good luck. Forward ho.

fareast posted 7/31/2019 22:15 PM

Congrats Director123. You handled this crap like a champ throughout. Best of luck.

ChamomileTea posted 8/1/2019 07:05 AM

I'm really happy for you, Director. That sounds kind of weird to say about a divorce situation, but your WW is a very selfish, immature person, and if this had not happened, she'd have still been a selfish, immature person. You might have gone through your whole life never realizing how lop-sided the relationship was. Not saying it's good she cheated, never that. But you do have the opportunity and the skill set to do much better for yourself, and hopefully you'll move on to a future partner who is truly worthy of your devotion.

You've shown remarkable grace under pressure, and I honestly believe that your good attitude is going to take you far in life. Congrats!

Tigersrule77 posted 8/1/2019 08:03 AM

Congratulations are in order, as you have worked your way through a very difficult period and have come out the other side. You handled yourself well and are in a good place. You should be proud of yourself.

I think your WW's biggest hope was that you would help her maintain the lie until after the wedding. My hunch is that she wasn't so much assuming you would be her date, but that you would help her save face until after this event. She has shown that she doesn't want to deal with the fallout of her decisions. This is an example. She doesn't want to face all of those people and have to tell them what she did. Had you attended with her, they all could have pretended there was nothing wrong, and she avoids the embarrassing questions. That is off the table now. Too bad for her.

I think you are making the right decision. You continue to show good judgement, and most importantly, your trust your own judgement, when it is putting yourself first.

farsidejunky posted 8/1/2019 08:51 AM

Congrats, Director. You have handled this shit show very well.

Here is to your new life, brother.

Jorge posted 8/1/2019 10:50 AM

Awesome update!

ChangeMaker posted 8/1/2019 12:17 PM

Well, congratulations and condolences Director. In these cases, I think both are in order.

I hear you about the "no more questions". I did the same thing. I made my decision, and drew a line - anything that had happened before (whether I knew about it or not) was irrelevant. I was mentally, emotionally, physically and legally removing her from my life (except for child-related stuff).

Freeme posted 8/2/2019 05:58 AM

A big part of my reason for not attending reception is because i simply cant believe she thinks that after everything, I would want to go to a wedding with her, appearing as her date, and acting as if nothing is wrong and i am OK with everything that has transpired over the past 8 months. I am not ok with it, which is why i chose divorce.
You made the right choice...and you are going to have to keep making similar choices as she's not going to give up her fantasy. Even though you've been a part of her family for a long time, they all get along with you, and you enjoy (some of) their company. You are going to need to distance yourself from her "family" events. Don't let her pull the "it's what's best for our son" line with you. It will confuse him/her/and any new Lady friends you meet if you attend these functions. She is going to ask for shared Christmas/Birthdays/Holiday Trips and you are going to need to say no and figure out what's really best for you and your son.

I'm excited about your new place, the divorce and you being able to move on with your life. You were truly dealt a bad hand and were able to move forward without changing who you are (a good person). I think back to your first post where you wrote about her cheating (daily) because your relationship felt more like sibs??? and then her crazy "I can't live without you" attitude after you decided OC was too much.
She truly took you for granted and I doubt she will find someone even close to your caliber moving forward. You on the other hand are going to meet someone wonderful that deserves and reciprocates you love...when you are ready.

whatIknowNow posted 8/2/2019 06:13 AM

I have followed your story for a long time. You were handed an impossible situation and you handled it with strength and grace.

Congratulations on your divorce, it was the only real option you had given the circumstances.

I have a feeling your life is going to get a lot better and soon!

director23 posted 8/2/2019 13:15 PM

Thanks again everyone.

I just had lunch with xfil. he wanted to talk about wedding tomorrow. He asked if i planned on going and i said yes but I am only going to plan to go to the wedding and not the reception. He responded pretty bummed and was concerned. I asked him if he was aware of anything that had occurred during mediation, and he said no he really hadn't, and I also asked him if he knew that we were divorced which he also didnt know.

I explained that xww asked for physical custody and that she essentially only wanted me to be with our son 6 nights a month. He just stared at me and said that he was sorry and asked if we were going to court. I explained that no the divorce was finalized and that we did agree to joint everything, but i told him I believe she was going after custody so that she could secure herself financially going forward. I explained I'm paying more per month for a number of things I necessarily didn't need to and am walking away from the house and essentially taking nothing because i wanted this to be over and securing the ability to raise my son outweighed everything else.

He just sat there and stared at me for a few seconds after i got done talking and just said he was so sorry. Explained that he has kept away from hearing about everything and its still causing issues within his household.

He said he understood why I didn't want to take part in the social aspect of everything with the wedding but if i change my mind and want to sit with them there would be no issues. Also said if i ever want to stop over for a beer to please do so, and invited me over after work today but i already have plans with some buddies to go out.

I did say that it is hard for me to come around to the idea of projecting that everything is ok by sitting with them/xww because i am not ok with it yet; and he said he didn't blame me at all for that.

I honestly feel much better now knowing that he knows the truth about why I now have reservations about everything going forward. I believe he acknowledges that I received the butt end of a lot of this whole situation, but he did say he believes that I'll find happiness quickly because I'm a great guy and didn't deserve this, and finished by apologizing again.

ChamomileTea posted 8/2/2019 13:39 PM

I feel really bad for your FIL. It must be so hard to see your own child behaving so selfishly. It's good that you were honest with him.

Typically, families are going to support their own, so ordinarily, it's probably best to create distance. But I do think that if you're both careful to turn your relationship away from the drama, it's possible to develop a friendship outside of the family dynamic. He is your child's grandfather, so it's not like he won't be in the periphery of your life anyway. I think if you were to meet him for lunch or for an activity with your kid once or twice a month, and get in the habit of discussing various topics that you both enjoy while avoiding anything to do with your ex, it might end up being a satisfying relationship for you both. The idea being that a friendship with you needn't pull him in two different directions because you're not looking for emotional support, you're just enjoying spending time with a friend. Just guy time, really. I think that could be good for your boy too.

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