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steadychevy posted 2/20/2019 21:29 PM

I agree with rambler that if you host the wedding you tell people the truth.

Perhaps you've answered this elsewhere but I thought your WW was willing to abandon your son to you when she was going to live with the POS OM. Apparently these plans changed. Did you have any evidence that she had indicated that?

Freeme posted 2/21/2019 07:12 AM

You might already realize this but I want to point it out again. Your WW plan is to stall the divorce and get you used to spending time with "the family". The wedding, the vacation, the unfair visitation with you "playing family at the house", the ploy with the divorce papers...

She knows how to push your buttons having you all together with her folks and your son...Thinking maybe... this isn't so bad...

Since she is "playing nice" at these events you they don't seem too bad... seem like normal. You need to detach from her, she needs to detach from you.

I also think she/they have convinced you that the new baby is probably yours. This works to their (her & parents) advantage because it keeps you close and uncertain. You need to keep in mind that cheaters lie and she wasn't really thinking straight during the affair. You know how often you were having unprotected sex. You only have her word how often they were having sex and the fact that she was relying on the plan B pill...
I had an Amino done for all thee of my kids. They are 99.4% accurate and can tell you everything from the health of the baby to who the dad is. I think you would have to rush on it as it needs to be done before the 18th week.

Was she the one pushing to wait until after the baby is born to find out who the father is or was it you? I cant help but think she is fairly sure of the truth but wants more time to convince you to stay... before you find out the truth.

I just think it might help you to detach and move on rather than linger on the though the baby might be yours.

director23 posted 2/21/2019 08:47 AM

I just think it might help you to detach and move on rather than linger on the though the baby might be yours.

This is definitely my current belief. She has asked if i would be in delivery room and i said no not at all is that even a possibility. She is due in 16 weeks or so so amnio is really not option. A non invasive paternity test was done comparing the op and it came back a 99.9% match.

Its my belief that i am not the father, and even if i was, i acknowledge i need to detach from her immediately. Its been over a month since finding out about this, and like others have mentioned, i'm tired of playing house.

whattheh posted 2/21/2019 10:43 AM

Would it be a good idea to speak with a counselor who specializes in early childhood development to get advice on how to best transition your 2 year old esp concerning timing and explanation?

From a layman's perspective having her move out and implementing temporary (shared) custody arrangement via legal temp custody order may be less confusing for him than living with new baby in home together with the 4 of you and then having that change on him. He is going to have to navigate typical sibling feelings but also see that he has different relationship with you than his new sibling has. His young age probably works in your favor for his adjustment but this may complicate his navigation which is all on your wife of course. Of course the solution is not to give her and his new sibling more time with your son(as she wants), but rather give you equal if not more time. Your support for your son is of utmost importance especially since she put him in this situation which he will understand when he is older and realizes what it means when sibling has different father.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:16 AM, February 21st (Thursday)]

ErinHa posted 2/21/2019 11:39 AM

You are smart to let the attorney handle it, use them to bring order. Breaking stuff shows severe behavior and you can't fix that.

director23 posted 2/22/2019 10:22 AM

Seperated funds this morning.

Had a market analysis done on our house and we'll basically be able to break even on it and would both leave with a decent amount of cash in hand.

I explained to ww that sounds great, lets list it now since there are not many comps on the market, her response was no, that she doesn't want to move out because our house is essentially the only thing she has left.

I simply didn't have a response, and said its best to move forward. I think i'll have to seek advice on how to list property when one owner doesn't consent.

Jduff posted 2/22/2019 10:46 AM

Or...she buys you out of your equity of the home plus market.

Again, Have. Your. Attorney. Handle. This. You are now seeing this D being taken to the contentious level. Its time to STOP talking to her directly about the matters of D and let your attorney handle it. Every point you bring up as a matter of "equity" with her is going to get twisted with heavy doses of illogical bullshit manipulation.

Dude, I know. A lot of if divorced folks know! We were there, too!

Freeme posted 2/22/2019 15:04 PM

her response was no, that she doesn't want to move out because our house is essentially the only thing she has left.
Next it will be she's too pregnant to get the house ready to move, then it's too difficult to move with a new baby. Then... "How could you take away her home when she just gave birth 2-3 months ago?"... I'm sure you know this but her delay tactics are going to get worse. You seem like a really nice guy... too nice a guy so it's going to get harder to make the move the longer you wait, and she is counting on that.

Her plan is to stay married, play house and pretend the affair never happened. She is going to stick to this plan for as long as she possible can.

My only advice is to keep talking to the lawyer and to keep trying to move forward. You know she can easily move in with her folks so you are not being callous. It would actually be better for her to do this so she can save money.

ramius posted 2/22/2019 17:48 PM

I explained to ww that sounds great, lets list it now since there are not many comps on the market, her response was no, that she doesn't want to move out because our house is essentially the only thing she has left.

That's fine. The divorce is a business transaction. She can stay in the house by buying you out. Just like any other asset.

Freeme posted 2/25/2019 06:15 AM

Wanted to let you know that there is someone in a similar situation. He just found out. You might want to read his thread and offer advice is you don't think it will trigger you.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=636050

HalfTime2017 posted 2/25/2019 14:22 PM

Director,

Its not a bad idea to let her keep the house. You get some cash from her b/c she will have to buy you out of the value of the property without having to pay for sales commission to the real estate agent.

Essentially, by you allowing her to stay in the house, you're saving yourself (Director) 2-3% of the price of the total value of the house. Thats huge!!!!. You should take that if you're set on selling b/c you're just essentially selling the house to the exWW, without having to pay a commission. Thats the biggest no brainer of no brainers on this site, if she can somehow qualify for the loan. She might be able to get it cosigned by her parents.

On a separate note, by letting her stay in the house, your son also gets to stay in a place that he is familiar with, which is a good thing Director. You don't want too much change for the little guy. The house is stability for him.

Its a win-win really. The only reason to push for the sale is if she cannot afford the mortgage on her own, than yes, the court would force the sale. Start keeping tabs on payments and seek relief since you've already filed.

Butforthegrace posted 2/25/2019 15:06 PM

If the house must be sold to accomplish the financial division, and one spouse refuses to cooperate, then the court will issue an order of sale, a broker will be retained via the order, bids received, and the court will consider the offers and approve one.

Normally, this results in a rock bottom price. It is the worst possible result for the parties. The broker community is savvy about what is going on in their market. They know that if a court is ordering a sale, nobody on the seller side is negotiating and holding out for a high price.

director23 posted 2/28/2019 16:36 PM

She can't afford house. Mortgage and utilities alone would consume 80% of her take home pay per month.

Things spiraled out of control a bit this past week. She lost her mind when I took literally 50% of what was in joint fund account. I explained to her that I'll be paying 50% of everything going forward, and she demanded that I pay 2/3 of everything, which I adamantly denied doing so.

She did get very nasty, said her parents will charge me for rent while her and I both lived with them 3 years ago while our first home sold in another state and we relocated. Said I will owe for half of other things that we otherwise would have received as a gift. I essentially didn't respond, and told its laughable that of what she is asking for.

Last week on wedneday we agreed that we should start splitting weekend with our son. I agreed, and said I will go back to my hometown and be with my family if she agrees to let me have him without interruption the next weekend (this weekend).

I end up leaving friday, and get a call sat afternoon from her telling me i can come home if i want. I said no i want to begin to seperate and by beginning to split weekend with our sone that would be a good step, she disagreed, i ended conversation and didnt return home until sunday night.

Monday I get home from work and she comes in and beigns arguing, i have responses she doesnt want to hear, and she says she is going to take our son to the hourse. I tell her no, he should stay at home, and she grabs his coat and heads for door. I follow her and ask her to please not take him. She gets in car and leaves, I follow.

I being recording at this point.

Get to her parents and we argue for about 35 minutes in front of them. I asked if i could take our son home about 40 times rather than give responses to everything she was saying. Her parents convinced her to let me take him home, and when she ended up giving in I immediately left with him.

As of right now she has told me she will not be giving me the same courtesy that I gave her. If that is the case then we will be playing house again, but in the meantime she has been served with divorce papers, and has submitted that she has received them.

Last night I had a 2 hour long conversation with her dad in person at her parents house. We talked in detail about everything up to this point. I explained I only care about my son, and want to be with him 50% of time. He completely understood, and was adamant about not wanting to go to court, and expressed concerns with how ww is handling things. He said he wishes I would go on family trip with them, but after explaining my thoughts he said he understands and see's my side of everything.

Waiting game continues.

Jduff posted 2/28/2019 16:56 PM

director, do you or do you not have a temporary custody order right now? If so, you should call the police each time your STBXW pulls this stunt on you. There will be a police report made of each event. It will be taken into consideration for final custody agreement in your D.

Look, she is going to ratchet this crazy up more and more. You don't want your son to keep getting caught in the middle of these dramatic hand offs. Its not good for him.

I explained I only care about my son, and want to be with him 50% of time.

First of all, you really shouldn't talk to her parents and say things like that. You should have said you wanted your son full time but you are willing to work with her daughter on 50%. He's going to use that statement against you in the future. Your STBXW is his daughter. Blood is thicker than water.

[This message edited by Jduff at 4:57 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Freeme posted 3/1/2019 06:28 AM

Sounds like a horrible weekend. You need to talk to your lawyer and get the temporary custody orders in place. Then you need to follow them to a T and stop communication with WW. You can't talk to Crazy, you can't make Crazy understand, you can't reason with Crazy.
This arguing isn't good for you, it isn't good for your son, and it isn't good for you WW. You have been very consistent with your words and actions but she still doesn't believe them. She shows no remorse... just anger at you for not forgiving her. She is "enjoying" the fights at this point because she is getting attention from you and seeing your emotions. This means she is going to keep on provoking these irrational arguments.
It sounds like her Dad is being reasonable (right now) and he doesn't want this to go to court. It might have been better and be better in the future if you contact him and tell him that you are picking up your son in from their house in 15 minutes rather than pursue your WW. Letting him know that the police will be the next step. I hate the idea of the police arriving and talking to your WW in front of your son but she needs to understand she can't "wish" that this divorce isn't going to happen. Know that the Dad isn't going to be reasonable much longer.
You did good moving the money and ignoring her threats.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like she is going to fight it every step of the way.

rambler posted 3/1/2019 20:08 PM

I can not empathize enough that your wife and her parents are now the adverse party in a lawsuit with you.

Do not put yourself in these situations. As you get closer, it will be more intense. They are here parents.

ChamomileTea posted 3/1/2019 20:51 PM

I'm really concerned about the possibility of false D/V charges. It really doesn't take much effort for a WW to ramp things up, call the cops, and cause a problem. The best case scenario would be one of you moving out and getting a split custody schedule in place, or even an imposed temporary custody in your favor. Since she's not willing to do it, is there somewhere you can go? Have you talked it over with your attorney?

Freeme is right, you can't reason with crazy. It sounds like your WW is being told 'no' for the first time in her life and just can't handle it.

I would suggest though that the next time she removes your son from the home against your wishes that you document the event but that you do not exacerbate it by following her. Certainly, you should NEVER "argue" with her. That's the best perk of getting a divorce, I would think... that you're no longer required by marital etiquette to listen to any pointless inanities.

iamweasel posted 3/1/2019 22:50 PM

ChamomileTea Is 100 percent correct. While going through my divorce I dropped my son off at his mothers and she became a wicked b- about something and said I wouldn't see my son again and I left. Later that night a police man arrived at my door with a restraining order and when he saw me he started laughing his ass off, said "Im pretty sure this is BS but I still have to serve you with it as she claimed you grabbed her, pushed her against a wall and threatened her life"....I was barely standing up, which was possible only because of my cane and wearing a neck brace. The officer and I had a good laugh together. Her lawyer actually told her to do it not knowing I had a serious accident just weeks before and lifting more than 5 pounds wasnt even possible, Judge tossed it but this is still a good warning.

[This message edited by iamweasel at 10:51 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

director23 posted 3/7/2019 16:33 PM

Things have calmed down in the past week. We are both in agreement on a sample decree which she created. She has calmed down completely and is not acting irrational anymore. I believe she has begun to accept that even if baby is mine I choose not to remain married to her.

Everything from the real estate to belongings to joint legal and primary care has been discussed and agreed upon. Its just a matter of time before going to mediation and finalizing everything there.

I do not have a temp custody order in place. That has been discussed with her. We are currently splitting weekends and staying in our home living together, but as mentioned in the other thread, I have moved downstairs and been there since within the first week of d-day.

Weekdays are ok. We both come home from work, usually her picking him up from daycare as she gets off a little bit earlier, and we all hang out together and eat supper then i typically put him to bed then she spends evening in master bedroom and i hangout in our finished basement with its own bedroom.

ff4152 posted 3/8/2019 17:32 PM

Director

Iím glad to hear that things are calming down for you. Have things with the in-laws settled down as well?

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