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director23 posted 3/8/2019 18:55 PM

Have things with the in-laws settled down as well?

Yes and no. Her parents wanted her to sign a retainer for lawyer services. Basically held an intervention in the middle of the morning when she was home sick and presented papers for her to sign to have lawyer begin an all out assault on me. She confirmed this after I had driven by our home for work and saw their vehicles here, so I got on our babycam that is connected to WiFi and listed to everything for about 35 minutes. Ww royally pissed her mom off with in law continually telling her she isn't listening. Ww ended up screaming at them to leave u til they did.

While listening her dad was silent, definitely the mom pushing things to get ugly. Said things like you don't need to see your son less, you deserve more (money), the divorce isn't your fault it's his for not forgiving you, blah blah blah.

That evening I came home and she started conversation about it first. I played like I didn't know anything only that I saw their vehicles here. She said her mom is angry and that she believes it's a secondary feeling, being hurt/sad is the first. I said going forward it's best I protect don't have much contact with them and she agreed.

Tonight is ww weekend, she took our son to her parents for supper and to enjoy the evening and she did invite me but I declined.

Staying vigilant is a very plain way of describing my mindset.

Jduff posted 3/8/2019 19:13 PM

Blood is thicker than water. Always.

The in-laws were shocked at first after your Dday, just like a lot of ours own in-laws were in our own stories. They initially side with you on principal. Yet ultimately it boils down to the fact that your wife is their daughter. They can't ever hate on their daughter. What she did is no doubt one of the most incredibly shittiest thing one person can do to another, and they know this and are angry about this, but to be able to love their daughter while trying to accept the situation as it is their anger has to be focused on someone else. In these cases it usually is the betrayed spouse. The victim.

Armor up, director. Its going to get real ugly.

Jsmart posted 3/9/2019 05:47 AM

We warned you they would turn on you. The divorce is your fault? Wow, that is insane. I knew your STBXW was a spoiled brat. Now we see where that entitled attitude comes from.

That's why she actually thought she can just get her way after monumentally disrespecting you.

Her parents know she had an affair but do they know she also sexually cut you off? Are you also supposed to forgive her being loyal to OM?

Speaking OM, has he been in the picture? After the divorce, do not be surprise when they end up together and he's rehired.

MrRadical posted 3/9/2019 20:15 PM

considering everything i really think u should DNA test your son......

LiveLuvLaph posted 3/10/2019 05:15 AM

Hi Director,

I read through your thread and agree with others who have highly recommended that temporary custody orders be put into place.

About 8 -10 years ago, there was an SI member whose stbx, with the help of family, refused to share custody. The police refused to get involved in the matter because without a formal order from the court stating the actual time-sharing, law enforcement had no grounds for telling one parent to hand over the child to the other parent.

Please, consider having your attorney file an emergency motion asap to get the shared custody in place. I would hate to read that your ex has gone with your son to live with her parents, and with the help of her parents, is now keeping your little boy from you.

director23 posted 3/11/2019 22:02 PM

Her parents know she had an affair but do they know she also sexually cut you off? Are you also supposed to forgive her being loyal to OM?
Yes, they know absolutely everything about how our marriage was emotionally and sexually from me telling them in person 1 day after they found out about the affair with a conversation where only me and her parents were present and in person for.

Speaking OM, has he been in the picture? After the divorce, do not be surprise when they end up together and he's rehired.
Not in picture whatsoever from what I know. He has been fired from his job (ww parents were employer) and ww has his number blocked in phone. I was connected with him on social media before all this and from what I can see he has deleted all accounts.

I don't believe ww and ap will connect but I do know anything is possible.

i really think u should DNA test your son
Has been mentioned to me before. I feel it is unnecessary at this moment because of the weight of everything else; it would end me if that were the case. One day on my own in the future I will verify this though.

We have a decree/settlement agreement that we have verbally agreed 100% on. Within the next few days I will request we sign it and have it notarized; if she hesitates or ends up not signing it, I will be making a phone call to my lawyer immediately.

Jsmart posted 3/11/2019 22:08 PM

They're going to have a kid together. Of course they'll have a connection. You'll see that once the kid is born, things will change. They may want to rehire OM, especially if after the kid is born and the divorce goes through, they may decide to make a go at it.

Have you been working on building new relationships and friendships? It's important for your mental well being that you lose your dependency on her family.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 10:11 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

Fenderguy posted 3/12/2019 07:19 AM

How the hell can her mother possibly expect you to want to stay and work on the marriage while she is pregnant with another man's kid (likely)? I don't understand her logic AT ALL. The D is YOUR FAULT for not forgiving her? WTF? Sounds like a spoiled woman who then raised a spoiled daughter.

If one of my kids were in her position, I would still love them of course. But I would definitely think "yeah, they fucked up big time, and BS is smart to seek out a D." Then I would just let them and the lawyers settle the matter.

director23 posted 3/12/2019 09:56 AM

Have you been working on building new relationships and friendships
I am a fairly likeable and pretty outgoing guy. I've never had problems making friends and am pretty social. I have a group of 4 guys from high school that I am still close with and 5 guys from college I've always stayed in close contact as well. I told them all about this, in full detail, about a month ago now. I've received nothing but support and we've all began to see each other more; they are here for me for sure. The friends I made as a result from her I haven't heard all that much from to be honest, but I do know her closest girlfriends held a get together with her 2 weeks ago and all 6 of them essentially told her they want a break in their friendships with her. She told me Monday night that some of them that i would consider friends of my own will probably be reaching out to me because they are devastated for me. I don't know if it will happen or not, or if its even true, but i did see one of them at the grocery store and she did talk to me and really wanted to know how i was doing. (Dont need any advice on new intimate relationships while going through D, I know for certain the path that will lead down.)

Then I would just let them and the lawyers settle the matter
This is the opinion of her father to a T. WW parents are at extreme odds and are having issues within their own marriage currently because ww mother doesn't share opinion of father in letting their daughter solve her own mess she has created for herself.

HalfTime2017 posted 3/12/2019 12:16 PM

Agree with Fenderguy, sounds like the daughter ended up being a lot like her mother in this case. Spoiled and entitled brat.

Director, you make sure that agreement that you are getting notarized holds water in court.....everyone has advised you to get a custody order in place. I'm not sure why you don't go down that route, its very customary in Divorce proceedings where there are children involved that an order be put in place for the children and the finances. Its like the very first thing that happens.

It sounds to me like your WW is starting to wake up from her haze and realize the brevity of her situation. Don't bother communicating with her parents any longer and don't be surprised that your mother in law ends up convincing her daughter to pursue that scorched earth tactic. Plan for the worst in these scenarios

Jsmart posted 3/13/2019 10:32 AM

It warms my heart to hear that. We men need to keep our male friendships. To many of us, get lost in being a husband, father, and work that we don't take the time to hang with the guys. Then when the SHTF, we have no one to give us moral support.

And you're right that you should definitely not be thinking of dating. You'll have plenty of time for that later. By you maintaining your ethical standards during this grand betrayal, you will moral authority later with your son. One day he will learn of how his father held his honor while his mother did the opposite.

ff4152 posted 3/18/2019 11:40 AM

Hi Director

Just checking in to see how youíre doing. Hope all is going as well as can be expected given the circumstances.

Justgettingbye posted 3/27/2019 10:36 AM

How are you doing?

Needtobefree posted 3/27/2019 14:54 PM

Watch your back. Record everything, keep paper trail, this could be dangerous situation for you.

director23 posted 4/1/2019 15:54 PM

The month of March was ok. Essentially had no arguments or issues. Every other weekend from Friday after daycare to sunday at 5pm we split. Rest of week we were all together.

Last night things changed though when I asked to discuss condo situation. If you weren't aware, we reside in a house that we own jointly and bought in 2016. Last November, we purchased a condo together, and then d-day was 1/10/19.

Since we did a conventional loan, we must own it for 1 year before the loan can be assumed by a family member. It was also explained to me last night that she cannot assume the mortgage for our house until she is off the condo mortgage as well. So essentially, her parents want the condo, and will assume it in November when they are able to, and then concurrently when that happens she will assume the mortgage for our home, and then i will be off of both and able to move forward by getting my own place. But the realization that we would be living together until November was not mentioned to me until last night, which i wasn't happy about but knew it was a likely possibility.

After that discussion her mom began asking ww questions on when she wants to get the divorce finalized, before or after the baby is born, and began on asking many pointed questions that i simply believed were attacks on me. I know for a fact her family is upset with her that she is trying to do this out of court because they are under the impression that the ww deserves more financially, i however have confirmed with my lawyer that because we essentially have made the same amount of money our entire marriage, and we both have the same exact education (BA), there is no reason alimony would be awarded to her.

I essentially laid into her mom and told her exactly how i felt for about 5 minutes straight. She ended up leaving and then ww and i had a very civil discussion that ended the night with me stating i will never again feel attacked or be put on the defensive for trying to work through this in a way that ww mom can't handle. Every ended smoothly and we spend the rest of the night like we had all month with me in basement and her in own room.

Our draft settlement agreement has been sent off to my lawyer who will put it into formal decree form and we can then work to finalize it.

[This message edited by director23 at 3:55 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

Bigheart2018 posted 4/1/2019 16:02 PM

Have you heard anything from the AP? Have your wife mention him at all?

director23 posted 4/1/2019 16:17 PM

Have you heard anything from the AP? Have your wife mention him at all?
I personally haven't no; haven't even seen him.

He did come up in discussion last night and now ww believes that if baby ends up being his that he will be fighting for joint custody as well.

Bigger posted 4/1/2019 18:41 PM

One thing I donít see mentioned here is how you plan to deal on the paternity of the unborn child.
Have you done the necessary research to ensure you are not burdened with the paternity?
What have you done to-date to ensure that?
What do you mean by AP fighting for joint custody? Joint custody for the unborn child?
If AP wants to be in the unborn childís life it can be a great asset for you.
What is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to be possible is that your WW signs a paper absolving you of paternity and leaving the child without a father. Since you are married there is a VERY HIGH risk that you are simply assumed the father irrespective of what proof you can provide. A judge will be a lot more willing to absolve you of paternity if there is another man waiting in line to assume that role.

Buster123 posted 4/1/2019 23:21 PM

After that discussion her mom began asking ww questions on when she wants to get the divorce finalized, before or after the baby is born,

Try to get it finalized BEFORE the baby is born just in case, also tell her to not use your last name after the D (you may not be able to force her to do this though), maybe ask her father to make/tell her to have the decency to do it.

Freeme posted 4/2/2019 00:42 AM

It sounds like their plan is to keep you two in the same house and continue to "hope" that you work it out. My guess is that the divorce will continued to be stalled... etc. You plan to live together until November after the baby arrives because she and her family want both places? can't you sell the house? She bought into the condo while having an affair with OM... She claims she didn't think you two were working out at that time, and yet let you invest in the condo together. I don't know, while I understand why you are keeping things calm by "playing house" I think it's giving your WW and her family false hope that this is going to "work itself out".
Is she helping out 50/50 with expenses right now? Will her and her parents be able to buy you out of the house and Condo at basically the same time? Or could this stall things further?

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