X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

No More Questions

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

director23 posted 4/2/2019 13:52 PM

Paternity of unborn child - a non invasive paternity test was completed by the ww and ap and results came back stating ap was 99.9% guaranteed the father. Once child is born, a legal paternity test will be completed to verify results again. This is agreed to happen immediately as reasonably possible after birth by me and ww.

In my state, when a wife gets pregnant the husband is assumed the legal father until it is established he isn't. In talking with my lawyer, if results show I am not father, I can then file to disestablish my parental rights, and is something that will be uncontested if it ends up being the case.

If i am shown to not legally be the father, I have no requirement to be burdened with any responsibilities, and they are relinquished as soon as a judge signs off on my petition to disestablish paternity.

In a recent conversation ww stated the ap will want rights to the child if he is the father. This is upsetting to her because she wants nothing to do with him, and has told him to not contact her. The little i know of him and his family, i do beleive he will fight for his rights, and would seek joint custody.

You are correct in that ww will not leave birth certificate blank, she will need child support from whomever the father ends up being.

If I am not proven to be the father, there is no responsibility for me to go forward with taking on the burden of responsibilities for the child, and has been verified multiple times to me by my lawyer.

She is unwilling to get divorce finalized before baby is born; it also makes sense to me to wait until we know for certain all answers so that we only have to go before a judge once.

It sounds like their plan is to keep you two in the same house and continue to "hope" that you work it out.
I have had this exact thought as well; and would play into it further especially if baby ends up being mine. Regardless if it is or not, they are are fully aware as of our conversation on Sunday that I will be moving forward with divorce, and will be seeking new residence as soon as i possibly can.

Jorge posted 4/2/2019 14:22 PM

In a recent conversation ww stated the ap will want rights to the child if he is the father. This is upsetting to her because she wants nothing to do with him, and has told him to not contact her. The little i know of him and his family, i do beleive he will fight for his rights, and would seek joint custody

She should have thought of this prior to laying down with him unprotected. WTF did she think would happen? Her AP did nothing except take what was given to him..... sex. She wants nothing to do with him, but at the same time, had discovery not happened, they'd still be going at it. So, her wanting nothing to do with him is simply because she was caught, and not because he has mistreated her.
I have had this exact thought as well; and would play into it further especially if baby ends up being mine. Regardless if it is or not, they are are fully aware as of our conversation on Sunday that I will be moving forward with divorce, and will be seeking new residence as soon as i possibly can.

Nice ass job here. Offer little in words and take lots of action to protect your assets, future and sanity.

Jorge posted 4/2/2019 14:23 PM

Forgot to ask, what was your wife's reaction to the paternity results?

ramius posted 4/2/2019 16:08 PM

In a recent conversation ww stated the ap will want rights to the child if he is the father. This is upsetting to her because she wants nothing to do with him, and has told him to not contact her. The little i know of him and his family, i do beleive he will fight for his rights, and would seek joint custody.

She better put on her big girl panties because he will be in her life for the next 18 years. If it’s too much for her to handle she can always give him full custody.

Jsmart posted 4/2/2019 19:57 PM

She moved forward with buying a condo when she was deep in the affair? That is some fuck up shit.

I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself. Continuing to play nice with such a nasty MIL, makes no sense. She doesn’t respect you so why respect her.

As for the POSOM, he’s going to be in your STBX life for at least the next 18 years. All that tough talk from her is bullshit, once the baby is born and they have that moment together, all of that not wanting to be with him will go out the window.

So you also need to prepare yourself with being able to deal with him also indirectly being in your son’s life too.

longsadstory1952 posted 4/2/2019 23:01 PM

I don't know how you can stand living in the same house. You have the patience of a saint. Is she still trying to get you to stay married?

In any case are either of you really thinking that 99.9% against means there is still a chance you are the dad? Seems like there can be no if in the equation.

Marz posted 4/3/2019 01:44 AM

Paternity of unborn child - a non invasive paternity test was completed by the ww and ap and results came back stating ap was 99.9% guaranteed the father. Once child is born, a legal paternity test will be completed to verify results again. This is agreed to happen immediately as reasonably possible after birth by me and ww.

In a recent conversation ww stated the ap will want rights to the child if he is the father. This is upsetting to her because she wants nothing to do with him, and has told him to not contact her. The little i know of him and his family, i do beleive he will fight for his rights, and would seek joint custody.

Let that be her problem. It's really none of your concern.

She made that bed.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:46 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 4/3/2019 07:25 AM

In a recent conversation ww stated the ap will want rights to the child if he is the father. This is upsetting to her because she wants nothing to do with him, and has told him to not contact her. The little i know of him and his family, i do beleive he will fight for his rights, and would seek joint custody.

This is her problem, not yours. She should have thought that one through a bit more before spreading her legs and letting him ejaculate inside of her. Her choice; her burden.

The absolute horror scenario for you is that you choose not to go through with disestablishing your paternal rights -- which results in you being the legal father with the support obligations -- but then bio-dad comes along and gets visitation/custody rights because he is the bio-dad. In some states, this would be a possible outcome. You absolutely must disestablish your paternal link to this bastard.

There is also the impact on your biological child. If asshole dude gets custody rights vis-à-vis his spawn, presumably he could be in quasi-parental situations with your child. You want to be zealous about making noise about this in your divorce custody proceedings. No way should POSOM ever be in a position to be around your child without you present.

Any time he has custody of his spawn, your child should be with you.

JS84 posted 4/3/2019 08:39 AM

The way your MIL acts kind of makes me wonder if she's pulled some of the same type of garbage in her own marriage.

director23 posted 4/3/2019 08:56 AM

Forgot to ask, what was your wife's reaction to the paternity results?
WW found out results of paternity of child and then 2 later hours told me. She said reason for telling me was because she couldn't bear the weight any longer of all the lies, and wanted to begin to move forward with being truthful. I personally believe she always thought that I would want to work towards reconciliation, essentially no matter the circumstances. I had that proven to me during a few fights where she stated separate times that she always thought I would work to resolve any issue we ever had, and that by me wanting a divorce after this I am "truly not who she thought i was." Let me be clear, when she stated this, my brain almost exploded out of my skull.


he will be in her life for the next 18 years
I have definitely made her aware of this possibility, and also was the first to shed light on it with the in-laws; they were silent after that likely realization that even though they have fired him from their business, its definitely possible that they could be connected to him for the rest of their lives.


She moved forward with buying a condo when she was deep in the affair?
Yes, condo purchased in Nov, affair stared 10/17. This is the most frustrating thing of the whole situation because since we own it jointly and she wants to continue ownership/have her parents assume loan, nothing can be done until 1 year after sale. Because of that, I am stuck living with her and playing house until Nov unless i decide to move out but yet continue to pay for my half of mortgage, which is not smart given the circumstances.

Is she still trying to get you to stay married
She has said she now also wants divorce, but i believe that she wants to divorce so she can attempt to try and make me fall back in love with her. Nutts. Just nutts.

there is still a chance you are the dad?
There was 7 days between her being with him and her being with me. She stated she took morning after pill 2 days after they were together, but if she was already prego, the pill wouldnt have worked and her timing for being fertile was always off. I am comfortable with the .01% chance of it being mine, and even if it is, that changes nothing between her and I.

You absolutely must disestablish your paternal link to this bastard
Its understood by all parties involved that is exactly what I will do if that is proven to be true. My state has no statute of a timeframe for when I have to have this completed by, either before of after the birth.

Any time he has custody of his spawn, your child should be with you.
I have discussed this with her as well. She has said multiple times that the baby will be our sons brother, and he deserves to know him, I said that is not the point, its that I want the ap to have nothing to do with my son. Ever.


[This message edited by director23 at 9:00 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

director23 posted 4/3/2019 08:59 AM

The way your MIL acts kind of makes me wonder if she's pulled some of the same type of garbage in her own marriage.
Since this has happened a few people from the community that have provided support have accused exactly this. For background, my ww gradnfather had an elaborate affair for years and while he had 3 young children that my mother in law was exposed greatly to. ww sister also had an affair.

Currently in laws are infighting greatly based on info from ww; why this is causing them such issues in their own marriage is beyond me, but if one of them is having regrets about something they have done, your idea seems very possible,. especially after having community members allege it.

Bigger posted 4/3/2019 09:03 AM

I am concerned about the paternity issue…

OK – This is a forum and you might be simplifying things and I might be misunderstanding things, but we have had several posters over the years in comparable situations as you are. Frankly I don’t remember one that came after the birth of OC or after divorce and told us that they had successfully countered paternity. I know it varies state-by-state, but this is generally considered one of the toughest family-court issues. In CA for example its near-impossible for a husband to refute legal paternity even if there is undeniable proof he’s not the biological father.

Let’s put it this way: You and WW might strive to reach an agreement on the divorce and you might end up with $$ in financial assets… But if you don’t avoid assumed legal paternity then you might end up paying $$x12x18=$$$$$$$ in CS for this child.

<<In talking with my lawyer, if results show I am not father, I can then file to disestablish my parental rights, and is something that will be uncontested if it ends up being the case.>>

How do you know it won’t be contested? The words of your WW? The words of a woman that all sudden realizes she will be out of child-support? The words of a woman that – in front of witnesses – made some vows to you?

<<You are correct in that ww will not leave birth certificate blank,>>

You do realize your wife does not fill out the birth-certificate? Usually done by medical/hospital staff. From what I have read (and I have spent some hours reading up on this…) then in some states if the husband is entered on the BC then paternity is irrevocable.

<<She is unwilling to get divorce finalized before baby is born; it also makes sense to me to wait until we know for certain all answers so that we only have to go before a judge once.>>

Legally divorce and the paternity are two separate cases. One is Mr. director23 v Mrs. Director23, the other is between Mr. director23 v the child – represented by the child’s custodian the former (or present) Mrs. director23.
Now – a sensible judge might hear both cases in the same session, but on the paternity issue the judge has a greater responsibility to ensure the child’s well-being. And at the time the parties enter the court the child’s well-being is best assured with TWO parents. Even if the role of one is simply to pay child-support.
From ALL I have read it would ALWAYS be better for you that your name is replaced (or potentially replaced) by another name directly or as soon as possible as the legal father. The judge will absolutely HATE and AVOID leaving it blank because he’s not thinking about your interests or your WW interest but the CHILDS interest.
If he knows that OM has already filed a claim or is ready to file a claim for paternity the very moment the judge presses delete on your paternity, then that will improve your odds immensely.

How has your attorney been about paternity? Does he sound concerned in any way or form? Has he had any experience with these issues? Have you tried googling how this goes in your state? Found precedents and/or talked to a men rights advocate?


Maybe you have this all-in hand, but I want to leave you with these two suggestions:
Have your attorney send a letter in your name to WW where you clearly state your intention to question paternity within a reasonable time after birth. Explain why and make sure you place OM name in the letter. In the letter outline that a divorce has been filed and that the present situation of living together is simply from convenience and does not in any way reflect an intention to reconcile or that you are accepting paternity of the baby. Be clear in the letter that you demand WW does not give your name as the father of the child if asked, be it friends, family or medical personnel. Be clear in the letter that you will file for dissolution of paternity once a DNA test confirms you are not the father. As a catch-all failsafe then add that any courtesies, gifts, involvement or payments from you to WW or the new child should not in any way be misunderstood as acceptance of paternity.

The goal of this letter is to establish beforehand what you intend to do.

The second piece is this:
Let OM know your intentions. That a DNA test will be done after birth. If you are the father, then he’s out of the picture for good (as far as you are concerned). If he’s the father, then he has grounds to file for paternity. Offer him that you will send him a photo of the test results once in.

The goal with this step is twofold: IF this is your child you get OM off your case. I sort of sense that if this is your child you would be open to try to r (although I have my doubts about that…). Getting OM out of the picture would help with that. IF, however OM is the father you have opened for applications for the role you are doing your dandiest to leave.

Ps: I don’t see a need to call the unborn child a bastard. If nothing else, it will always be the half-sibling of Director23 son. I hope that as things go on Director23 can have a good relationship with this child – simply because this child will be important to his son.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:07 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

coastofsomewhere posted 4/3/2019 10:30 AM

Bigger is spot on here.

Also, if I recall correctly, the hospital where I had my children did not just ask me who their father was but my husband/their father actually had to sign something...maybe the birth certificate...stating he was the father.

Whatever you do...do not sign anything at the hospital. Do not think you can just have all of this corrected once paternity has been established as you not being the father. The court is going to look after the best interest of this child and that means holding the available party...you...responsible as long as the state doesn't have to pay for said child.

Also, I would not be surprised if your WW...and her mother...are well aware of this and are just waiting until this all comes to fruition. Please be aware that a lawyer may have informed her...and MIL...that since y'all are married, you will be considered the father in the eyes of the law...especially since y'all are still living together when the baby is born. Which could also be why your FIL is pissed at how this is being handled. He knows what they are up to, and knows just how wrong that is.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/3/2019 12:27 PM

Director, I agree with those suggesting it is unwise to take your WW’s word as her bond on this subject. She has a track record that indicates you are likely to get burned.

I had some time to kill and was kind of curious, so I did a little googling on this subject. I read over and over again that biological paternity (Likely OM in your case) does not necessarily equal legal parentage (likely you in this case if your name is put on the birth certificate). This should rightfully scare the shit out of you. Google Pietros v. Pietros in the Rhode Island Supreme Court and I think you’ll quickly see what you could be in for.

However, you appear to have some recourse. Some states have a form that can be filed during divorce (or the even 300 days post-D, because WW only sleep with BH, right?!?) to contest paternity in cases where the father is legally presumed to be the parent due to M. It is sometimes called a, “Denial of Paternity” (Texas). Does your state have something like this? If so, have you filed it? It could save you a lot of heartache and money if the child is not yours.

Whatever you do, make sure your name is not on that birth certificate (unless and until the child is biologically yours).

director23 posted 4/3/2019 14:57 PM

All the information I have given about disestablishing my parental rights has come directly from my attorney, who has been the lawyer of clients this has happened to before. I do not have any reason to question him, as I already have the form to be filed to disestablish my rights if it is proven I am not the father. In my state, while there is a pending dissolution of marriage case, it is best to wait to have divorce decree signed by a judge so that everything is looked at by the judge at the same time, in my case, the judge will review our settlement and custody agreement, and then also look at disestablishing me of the child if it is not mine, and then everything is completed going forward. I have an excellent lawyer with a proven track record; i do not have any reason to believe I am not in good hands.

It is understood with everyone involved I will not be signing anything relating to the birth certificate whatsoever. The child will also not have my last name.

In my state there are two options for divorce, one when there are no children present, and one where children are present. In my state divorce and custody and everything surrounding the entire situation must be resolved before the divorce is finalized; whether it be by both parties out of court deciding and agreeing to everything themselves, or ultimately having a judge decide everything for them.

Currently my attorney is working on a draft decree for us to both review and attempt to finalize and come to agreement on everything outside of court. There is already a document that we have both reviewed and created ourselves that we are in agreement on that deals with everything ranging from financials to scheduling that is acting as the basis for the draft decree to be set up with.

Reconciliation is not an option regardless of the outcome. I choose to not be with someone that is this selfish and reckless.

Does your state have something like this? If so, have you filed it?

Just reading the form now, it states that i file this motion if a child is born during the marriage and one of the parties wants the court to find and conclude that one of the parties is not the biological parent of the child and should be disestablished as a legal parent of the child; then sates a legal parent is a person recognized by law as a parent to the child because of marriage; also states this form can only be used if the party sought to be disestablished is a legal parent of the child because of the marriage of the parties and there is a pending dissolution of marriage action.

whattheh posted 4/3/2019 16:58 PM

because they are under the impression that the ww deserves more financially, i however have confirmed with my lawyer that because we essentially have made the same amount of money our entire marriage, and we both have the same exact education (BA), there is no reason alimony would be awarded to her.

So given this and fact that you expect to share your son equally 50% joint custody does this mean you will also owe no child support?

Are you confident she will be approved to fully assume your mortgage on your house? (I think you mentioned that you initially expected to sell because it would be too costly for her to cover it on her own). I hope you are getting half the equity of both the house and condo.

Phoenix1 posted 4/3/2019 17:48 PM

I'm glad you are on top of the paternity issue with your attorney. It is crucial because sometimes there are time limits involved.

Just to give you some perspective from two other states, here's how it played out for Xhole (two OCs).

With the first case, OW was married. OBS didn't know his third son was not biologically his. Xhole paid secret CS under the table for 15+ years for OC. Then I found out and blew the whole thing wide open. OBS was told the truth. Xhole was no longer paying CS. MOW-bitch-from-hell blew a gasket over her lost cash flow, and proceeded to jump all over me about staying out of it, none of my business, blah, blah, blah. However, legally, in that state, her OBS was the presumed father and Xhole was never legally responsible for CS (which he never bothered to find out and just paid it, moreso because she was blackmailing him). MOW threatened to take Xhole to court for CS, and I threatened to file harassment charges against her if she persisted because in that state, in order for the court to hold Xhole responsible for CS, the legal father (OBS) must formally contest paternity in court himself, and DNA used to substantiate he is not the father, before the court would even consider putting another man on the hook for CS. And there is no time limit for him to do that. What the MOW thought or wanted made ZERO difference from a legal perspective. Well, after over 15 years the OC was the OBS's son in every sense. He had no desire to "disown" him legally so he never did. It all rested on OBS to start the legal action, and because he never did, Xhole was never responsible for CS. MOW did NOT like that, but that was the law. She eventually crawled back in her hole and went away. OC is now 22, and knows nothing about his biological father. MOW and OBS are still married (as far as I know).

In the case of OC2, this was in another state. OW-horse-face left him and proceeded to file a paternity suit against him in yet a third state (where she had moved to). He actually checked with an inside friend of his that works for the CSE office to see what his options were. His name IS on the birth certificate, but in this state he can only dispute paternity within three years of birth. That window has come and gone (OC is 6). She is still after him for CS, but he has been dodging process servers and only working at places for short periods so she can't find his place of employment.

The point is that regs vary so wildly between states, it is important to know your state's well. And it appears you continue to stay on top of it, which is excellent. Just make sure you don't miss any date/time limited requirements!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 6:48 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

Alonelyagain posted 4/3/2019 17:49 PM

I’d like to give you another issue for you to discuss with your attorney: your potential financial responsibility for the hospital birth expenses. Is your WW on your health plan? What is your exposure to any hospital birth expenses not covered by the insurance plan that your WW is currently using? I’ve been responsible for a surprise hospital charge for stitches that my daughter received in the ER. The hospital accepted my BCBS plan but the plastic surgeon didn’t. That cost me several thousand dollars! A guy in my office experienced the same surprise at the very same hospital during the birth of his child. Make sure you investigate this!

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 5:52 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

LostInTheDesert posted 4/4/2019 07:22 AM

I am comfortable with the .01% chance of it being mine, and even if it is, that changes nothing between her and I.

That is not how these numbers work. A 99.9% chance that the OM is the father, on a genetic test, amounts to no real chance at all that you are the father.

The genetic test probabilities are taken over the entire world population of men. What they say is there is a 0.1% chance that somebody, somewhere else in the world, has enough of the same DNA that he could also be the father (this is simplifying a bit, but the number is rounded anyway, and as you will see below, the precise calculation will make bugger all difference). It's not just looking at the people who slept with your WW.

The current population of the Earth is about 7.5billion, so about 3.75billion males. There is a 1 in 1000 chance that somebody else in that 3.75billion males could be the father. The chances of that 1 in 1000 chance being you is one in 3.75billion. So the chances of you being the father are 1 in 3.75trillion. Even if we take a couple of zeroes off, you are a very, very long way from 0.1% or 0.01%.

Now of course closeness in relationship varies the probability of any individual being the one. A close relative, such as a brother, has a much greater chance of being the alternative candidate father than somebody who is unrelated. If you are unrelated to the OM, you can tack on a whole truckload more zeroes. I haven't run the full numbers, but you are up to 12 zeroes there, and at a guess you can probably double the number of zeroes and then some if you are not at all related to the OM.

You stand a much, much, much better chance of winning the lottery.

[This message edited by LostInTheDesert at 7:31 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]

Sanibelredfish posted 4/4/2019 08:02 AM


Just reading the form now, it states that i file this motion if a child is born during the marriage and one of the parties wants the court to find and conclude that one of the parties is not the biological parent of the child and should be disestablished as a legal parent of the child; then sates a legal parent is a person recognized by law as a parent to the child because of marriage; also states this form can only be used if the party sought to be disestablished is a legal parent of the child because of the marriage of the parties and there is a pending dissolution of marriage action.

Good, glad you found this! Definitely ask your lawyer if this was needed in his other case(s). The only part that somewhat concerns me is, “this form can only be used if the party sought to be disestablished is a legal parent of the child because of the marriage of the parties”. It seems a foregone conclusion you will be the legal parent no matter what, and will actively have to prove otherwise. Seems like an uphill battle, but a winnable uphill battle. Especially, if the same judge is handling the divorce and paternity aspects. You may live in a no fault state, but is it worth including infidelity as the cause of divorce to help the paternity challenge? Perhaps this is another question for your lawyer.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy