SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, fire your MC.

And as far as your wife is concerned, you're in a one-sided R bc she's had no consequences.

If you change nothing, you can't expect different results.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:55 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

I get the feeling my WS, still "does not get it". She does not see the damage and how I could possibly be so protective of myself at this particular moment.

Ever think about the fact that your actions mirror those of your wife in that you think she doesn't get it, however you fail to acknowledge your inability to accept the fact that she doesn't care.

There's a general consensus on this board, that this is true, by both her actions and her words. What more do you need to see, above and beyond the massive disrespect and uncaring nature that she bestows upon you.

You conveniently refuse this fact and as result post false narratives about a wife who is not remorseful and you know it, or at least should. Nonetheless, your position is peculiar at best.

RC,

Your WW is the little girl who knows she has done wrong, and you are her father scolding her.

She stands there with her fingers in her ears, and does not want to hear anything, as she believes it is all rubbish, and she has done nothing wrong.

Whilst you stand there, lecturing her on how she should behave, and wanting her to change, but she does not care what you say, because she is not listening to it.

Basically, as others have also mentioned, you are in a one-sided R, but refuse to see it. Being stubborn may be good in some instances, but in this case, it is hindering you from healing yourself.

All the best in your efforts to 'R'.

*Note: Would not be surprised if it turns out to be a false R.*

Here is another example of why MC is unless without your WW going to IC to work on her issues first. As predicted, MC is promoting that you rugsweep her behavior to save the marriage. So here's to eating more of the shitsandwich your WW is feeding you. When you finally decide to stand up for yourself and put and end to her lack of trying to help you heal, we will be more then willing to help you through it. She is not going to change her behavior since she isnt facing consequences for her actions. She thinks if she continues to argue with you, you will relent and life will go on as it has been.

Please seena lawyer and learn your rights,responsibilities, obligations, and expectations for when you finally decide to put your interest and values over her crappy behavior towards you. You may have to shock your WW into realizing her actions are breaking the family apart by serving her D papers. Only do this if you are willing go through with it. The saying you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save applies here IMO.

Fire your MC. A bad MC does more and longer lasting damage to R than no IC before the WS is remorseful. Your only hope is to demand that your WW start respecting you now, 180'ing her, and letting her know you will see a lawyer if she doesn't get it together and stick to your boundaries with male friends and drop the bad attitude.

Remember, YOU have the power here. YOU are the prize. She is treating you like crap and expecting you to sit back and take it. Find your power and make it clear that her shit doesn't fly any longer.

This is just a sad story. Not what she did, but what you continue to take. Your wife disappeared pretty quickly from this site. That should tell you a lot. Your MC is not a judge, he shouldn’t decide what’s acceptable and what’s not. That’s up to you. Your are being a doormat, and your wife is walking all over you. You keep waiting for her to change, when in reality, you need to change. Change why you think it is ok to be used and abused. Change where your future is heading. Change your marital status. See a lawyer tomorrow.

This thread is really hard to read.

It makes me feel so sad that you are going through this with an uncooperative, unwilling WS. I know the pain of desperately wanting to stay together and make it work. But eventually, I think you need to have a hard conversation with her, if she really wants to stay together. Give her the option to walk away, it was always there. She always could have left, before she destroyed your world and cheated on you. What is really in it for her, to stick around? Why does she want to be with you and go through all this hard work? Yes, it sucks having to split up the kids, but really, she would be happier lying and cheating on someone else, rather than having to face her shame every day.

I have read this entire thread, but not any of her posts. What were her reasons why? Why did she cheat on you? Why will she stop?

Hard topics. But you don't deserve to live through life with someone that doesnt really want to be with you.

The hardest part for me was to accept my WS reasons, and empathize. If you can do that, the anger and vengeance might lessen just a little bit, and maybe you will see her for who she really is. But really, the biggest factor I see missing here is HER not empathizing with you. And like others have said - maybe she does know what she put you through, and just doesnt care.

I tried to explain, using multiple analogies, to show tell her how important my perspective is in this particular situation.

Gently, brother, stop explaining.

figure out what your boundaries are. Tell your W what they are. There's no need to explain them - a boundary is just a boundary. If she violates a boundary, impose the consequences.

An example: If she talks about trust, just tell her she cheated twice, so you have no reason to trust her.

If she argues, stop her. Tell her she can rebuild trust by acting trustworthy, and in your opinion she's not doing that now. If she argues, tell her that's your opinion, and it doesn't need any explanation.

And this:

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Her.

Your wife is not in R mode and still very much I'm wayward thinking.

Unfortunately she seems to control the discussion and bully you.

Review the various stages of the 180 ....and take back at least some control.

I am suspecting the MC is trying to convince me to rugsweep the situation at this point. the MC wants me to "feel better", but offering no real solutions to get there. Just that I need to "let it go". I have brought up the situations on her socialization with men with the MC a 2nd time. The 1st time she was on board with me. The 2nd time it appeared that nothing changed from my WS end, so it appears she is pushing the responsibility of me to "let it go". Which is frustrating that our MC is only criticizing my techniques and saying that I need to change. But offer not advice that my WS needs to change

Gently, what else can you do? If you want reconciliation at all costs with someone who is not doing any work then you have no choice but to rugsweep the situation.

Your wife was a member here for a long time,before you joined. She gets it. She knows perfectly well she isn't doing what needs to be done. She just doesn't care enough to do the work.

You are the one who doesn't get it. This is it. This is who she is. This is who she will continue to be. She knows you're not going anywhere, so she has no motivation to change. She just wants you to shut up.

It's really sad that you don't feel you deserve better.

So I recognize everything everyone has said here. In fact there are a couple coworkers whom I vent too and they say the same thing. WS has posted in here once, and she is more than welcome to post in here, as I have invited her to post in here if she felt the need. She clearly is not happy about what anyone says about her and she believes that most of the people here for wrong about her.

Everything I have said here had already been discussed with her, prior to me posting. Generally I jump on here after an argument because I need to vent. So we had already talked, or more often, fight about the current topic at hand.

To me to threaten the marriage because she didn't tell me she used the elevator instead of the stairs (place of many encounters with OM2 at work) seems like its it taking a sludge hammer to an ant. I feel like the punishment in some cases is having the arguments and hitting that reset button. Maybe WS doesn't feel that way. I feel like it would be inappropriate to use D as the consequence for any and all failures to comply with the guidelines/boundaries/communication etc. Because some boundaries I consider minor, vs some more important.

I am also particular sentimental. I have been with my WS since I was 17 and I am now 33. I have spent 16 years with this person. I have spent 16 years believing that she loved me and I loved her. I spent 16 years believing she is the perfect person for me despite our differences. I spent 6 years believing we had an amazing marriage. I spent 16 years hearing about how many other couples were jealous/envious of the kind of relationship WS and I had. I do authentically believe that we have had real moments. I do not believe for a second she is the complete monster some people paint her as. I do believe we have had great moments. I believe the love is there, but I also believe her selfishness is also very important to her. I think it is the battle within her and are often conflicting each other. But during 1st year of our marriage, she had an ugly persona that reared its ugly head. The same persona that reared its head with the first time she cheated on me early on in our relationship. This persona crops up when we apparently have issues in our relationship. The first time it was "I wasn't communicating enough and we had a relationship that was only physical". Second time it was " I wasn't there physically there for her". I recognize that WS is the problem. WS has the communication issues. She refuses to talk to me about her issues. Even now I am trying to get her to talk (not be defensive, but actually just own what she has done and accept our life is no longer what I thought we had). So I have been living 16 years believing certain things, only to have been told that I was wrong about some of those things. It is not something I am able to accept so easily. Again, I felt those emotions, the love, the compassion. Especially, after we had kids. The looks she gives when she sees me playing with the kids. I believe that kind of example of those feelings are real and authentic. I don't think the whole marriage was a lie, but unfortunately some important aspects of it was.

Her explanation for the affair was simple. And I do believe it is a huge part of it. I wasn't around a whole lot due to full time school with a 3 hr round trip commute and working 22 hrs on Sat and Sun. To give my WS some credit, she did offer to financially support me after a couple months into the school program so that I would not have to work over the weekend and I could focus on school. Maybe it was a cry for me to be available, both physically and so she could spend more time with me for more than just a few hours on a friday night. My classes started the same week of our marriage ceremony and I would complete the program in 1 year. It was a specialty certification so that I would be working in the same exact field as my WS. She found someone who showered her with attention and desire. She loves that kind of affection. He provided it, while I was unable to during that year. After that year, her affair toned down. I know people don't believe it, I am not even sure I always believe it, but the sex stopped over the next 5 years until D day. It was apparently flirting and inappropriate messages (not necessary full sexting), but inappropriate still. There was still physical contact in the sense that she permitted OM2 to kiss and touch her, but WS stated nothing beyond that and WS never reciprocated. Again, I know most people won't believe that. And some days I believe it, some days I don't. If it is indeed true, I would say there is some regret in her decision to have cut back on the intensity of the affair.

She has admittedly said that she will never do it again. Parts of me believes that she has gone through the kind of hell to keep her from doing it again, but part of me believes she isn't actually as upset over all of this at the same time. I am not a particularly big risk taker. Divorce and staying are both risks to me. Divorce, with everything that comes with it, but also what happens afterward. Finding someone else to be with. Will I find anyone else etc. I would think trying to find someone around my age at this point much harder than it was 10 years ago when I was in my early 20s. But the risks of staying is of course WS continuing to do what she's been doing and possibly even cheat again. Because down the road if we have problems after healing, and she has forgotten the pain this past affair has caused, then maybe she will fall down that rabbit hole again. A lot of unknowns and uncertainties. I am making a huge change with D, while staying right now is tolerating her BS.

Am I being felt false remorse, possibly. I've considered it. Or is she really remorseful and not able to constantly think about all of this all the time? One would dictate that she is being intentional malicious vs the other where she is mentally incapable of providing me with the consistency that I seek.

I told myself I will keep taking the BS until I have reached my breaking point. Then I know I can accept D without having to look back at the marriage my WS set on fire.

[This message edited by ReceivedChaos at 9:11 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

You are in a prison of your own making. You have become 'institutionalized' in your M, like a prisoner can become institutionalized in prison.

There are cases where prisoners who have been inside for a long time, when released, cannot deal with the outside world. They then commit a crime so that they can go back to their comfortable world in prison.

You view your prison of a M as your comfort zone, so are willing to accept/ignore any opinion/advice that could take you out of prison.

I told myself I will keep taking the BS until I have reached my breaking point. Then I know I can accept D without having to look back at the marriage my WS set on fire.

The problem here is that the arsonist is not helping you put out the fire, as she likes to see it smouldering. She does not want to recognise that she needs to fix herself to make you feel safe with her.

Well, there’s not more we can say to help if you are willing to “tolerate her bs”. You are in your mid 30’s, the prime of your life. At that age, you have given yourself a life sentence if you stay with her.