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To set the stage, I’m in my late 50’s and XWW is 50. During her A, WW would follow this coverband and had an A with one of band members’ best friend. WW would stay out to early morning hours almost every night and then seemingly function fine as SAHM during the day. My PI was convinced she was on drugs. I thought that she was on speed or cocaine because of her ability to be awake for long hours at a time and occasionally being glassy eyed and rambling on about inconsequential nonsense. My PI found out the OM moved from rented home to rented home about once a year and hadn’t paid any income taxes for 8 quarters. I had assumed that he was into something illegal, probably drug dealing.

We started divorce proceedings in August 2017 and divorce was finalized by court in December 2018. In October 2018, I meet GF on OLD. She is a doctor and comes from well off family. My now GF and XWW don’t know each other and aren’t in same social circles. On NYE, I met her family, and one of her brothers is a retired detective.

A couple of days ago, GF tells me she has learned some information about my XWW and OM. The OM is a biker type and electrician who goes from job to job, and moves with each new job. GF knew the new address of OM even though my divorce attorney wasn’t able to track down his new address to serve OM with papers. GF says that a girlfriend of one of coverband members says XWW is abusing cocaine and crying poverty after divorce. My GF wouldn’t be talking to band member’s girlfriend directly. So, I assume that this information is coming from her brother, the retired detective.

So my question is what can I do with this information if it proves to be correct. Can I seek sole custody of my three minor children because XWW is abusing cocaine? Can I seek to terminate alimony because XWW is spending it on cocaine? Thanks.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 8:23 PM, February 17th (Sunday)]

Check with your attorney. Only an attorney in your jurisdiction would be able to give you proper advice.

However, it seems like you have a lot of PI resources at your disposal that you could use to build your case. Documentation, documentation, documentation.

Good luck

Thanks Marz. My divorce attorney is more of a negotiator than a litigator. The XWW retained a pit bull litigator. But since we reached a negotiated settlement before any litigation really commenced, I was better served in those circumstances. Also, I’m a little disappointed that my GF was able to have OM located and my attorney wasn’t. If I can document cocaine abuse by XWW, I may have to retain a different attorney for that task.

Check with your attorney about both of you being drug tested, and if she's living with him, having him drug tested as well for safety around your children.

I agree it sounds like you need a different attorney.

Do a lot of research this time. You sound like you know what to look for.

Don't hesitate to use the newfound resources.

Check with your attorney about both of you being drug tested, and if she's living with him, having him drug tested as well for safety around your children.

Great point. Get a thorough background check on her Other man. You maybe surprised at what you find.

Once you get that then you can connect the dots if needed.

Get those kids out of that environment in any way you need to!!

Check with your attorney about both of you being drug tested, and if she's living with him, having him drug tested as well for safety around your children.

A piece of advice: get a HAIR FOLLICLE test, if you do.

I don't know much about cocaine testing in urine, but my recollection is that it stays in the body for only a few days. Traces are left in the hair though, and it remains there for 90 days.

Be prepared to take a test yourself too.

Do you have PROOF your XW is abusing coke when she has her kids?

That's the only question you need to be asking.

Just because she has a BF (who doesn't live with her from your description) who does drugs, doesn't automatically make the kids unsafe.

Everything you've said is just conjecture/heresay. None of it holds up in court.

You agreed to this less situation between you and your ex less than 3 months ago. Did her behavior devolve that quickly? If it hasn't, you'll have a tough time getting that deal reversed.

As to alimony - the courts don't care what she spends it on. Food, clothes or drugs. All they care about is that YOU owe HER x-amount of dollars, that YOU pay on time and in full, and that the kids are safe.

The last part is the only thing you can bring to the court. Just because you don't like the company she keeps isn't enough to PROVE the kids aren't safe when they are with her.

I'd consult with an attorney before taking action on this. That said, I'd move quickly, as the more time passes that you suspect this, the less "urgent" it really looks.

I'd call a bulldog litigator to consult ASAP.

Just out of curiosity, why don't you try and find a pitbull attorney?

You might be better off calling child protection. Depending on where you are, they may have the power to go into the home unannounced to check on the children. If they find evidence of cocaine use, they might then remove the children from her care and give them back to you. If that happens you will likely have much better evidence than you can possibly get on your own.

I agree with the CPS suggestion. As someone else said you have no evidence of anything.

"A boyfriend of a friend of my girlfriend said that he saw my ex-wife...." Yea that's not going to get you anywhere in court I don't care what kind of lawyer you have.

With CPS they at least have to investigate if there's a claim your children are in an unsafe situation. Also she doesn't even have to know you were the one who contacted them. However through the courts and CPS you still tip your hand.

So if your wife is doing coke and CPS doesn't do/find anything (which in all honesty is likely) she's just going to try to cover her tracks more. But at the very least you'd have a record started at CPS which could be useful later. And on the off chance they do find something that would go much further in court.

Have you thought about hiring a private investigator????

[This message edited by JS84 at 10:48 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Whatever you do, think about the impact on the kids. I would consult a good attorney before I do anything. I'm sure whoever you consult with will be able to advise you about Child Protective Services.

Cocaine is highly addictive - I have an addict brother. Your kids shouldn't have to be exposed to that environment.

Good luck...we're all pulling for you...

So if your wife is doing coke and CPS doesn't do/find anything (which in all honesty is likely) she's just going to try to cover her tracks more.

My WW worked in child protection. You would be amazed (based on the stories she told me) how stupid drug addicts can be about concealing evidence of what they are doing.

But even knowing that, she is still stupid about this. The drug she took up together with her affair was cigarettes. She thinks she hides this from the kids, but my son has told me he knows better because her car stinks of cigarette smoke (this, by the way, is a sure way to destroy a car's resale value), and there are cigarette lighters "all over her house".

He has also told me of the lack of decent food in the house and that there are never any clean dishes (versus my home where there is always proper food, the dishes are done regularly and there are always clean dishes).

I like the idea of a hair follicle. Contact cps. Start gathering information from the school, are the noticing any concerns for the children. Get heavy involved in the kids' lives. Get in Powerschool, so you are notified of grades and missing homework. Go to all sporting events. Join the school's Facebook page. Make contact with the teachers, the principal.

Get involved and gather your own intel and gather people who are advocates of your children.

It's not about the mother's rights or the father's rights, it's about the children's rights: to be safe, healthy and happy.