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I got an e-mail from my WW last week about something that happened. She was in a business in the town that is my trading centre getting something done with her phone. She would be sitting at the assistance desk.

My brother and SIL came in and saw her. My WW must have stood up and my SIL said hello WW and hugged her. My WW turned to my brother and she said he very quietly said hello WW and hugged her. It seemed my WW implied my brother was reluctant.

My WW and I have been separated over a year and I've filed for D. I've talked to this brother more than anyone else in my family about the adultery. This SIL is the SIL my WW got along with the least (out of 5). I don't think they really liked each other.

My WW was giving me a heads up about what happened. I haven't heard anything from my brother. I have to admit I'm hurt by this.

I don't know why I'm writing this out or what I want. I guess I'm just unloading. Something to talk about with my IC next week. But, I have to admit I'm hurt.

Steadychevy, why do you think your WW told you this?

It sounds like an innocuous greeting and like your brother was just trying to be cordial but he was clearly not thrilled to see her. I don't know about SIL as that was a warm welcome but maybe she too was just trying to keep up appearances. I don't know if you should expect them to completely shun her unless there were some especially cruel details I'm missing here.

Aww steady,

I’m not here much anymore, but couldn’t pass up “im hurt” by my songwriter :)

I am sorry you are hurt. I think infidelity, separation, divorce, etc. also do a number on our friends and family.

Maybe they didn’t know what to do. Or, perhaps, they had a natural reaction to someone they once closely knew. ( I once hugged my liquor store guy in Kmart because I knew the face but couldn’t place him and he seemed so happy to see me )

I want to tell you not to be hurt because I don’t want you hurt. However, I also want to tell you that the decisions we make in life also affect our family members. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s hard on them, too.

There is no playbook on how to act in each situation. Your brother may not want to bring it up for fear of hurting you. I would call my brother, let him I know of the interaction, and let him know it was ok.

Steadychevy, huge hugs because the little things even hurt now, and it sucks.

((()))

I think you should figure out why you feel hurt. I think you should talk to your brother. I suspect he simply didn't want to bring her up to you. I'm trying to figure out you WW's motive in sharing this with you.

(((Hugs)))

I know in my situation, my brother is married to my WW sister and they have a kid together. I see them a lot as we share a nephew, my WW doesn't as she is still in her own world of la la land. I know my brother has held back some things that he knows would hurt me. I respect him for that, honestly I probably don't want to know. He did tell me things that I wanted to know at the beginning of bizaro world that did hurt me and sometimes when I ruminate they pop in there. At the end of the day, your brother didn't do anything wrong, he may have a hard time, as many do under our messed up infidelity lives, telling you. I have mutual life long friends that have stopped talking to me, just gone but hang out with WW. I still respect them. You can talk to your brother about it. I'm sure my brother knows more then I want to know about my WW current situation via his W. I don't hold him accountable for not telling me, I also don't ask because I don't care. Sorry you're hurt.

They didnt know what to do as decent people. They were hurting about the situation and saw she was hurting and hugged her at the time in the moment cause decent people try and be nice to hurting people. They never prepared themselves for that encounter. Talk to your bro about it and clear the air. Chances are he didnt know what to do.

Your bro loves you and you are gonna be fine. Stop communicating with her as much as possible. She is about to be out of your life forever

I'm suspicious that it didn't exactly happen the way she describes.

She's not been exactly truthful before.

And she has a motive to legitimize herself and try to normalize the idea of being friends after it's all settled and done. After all, if the SIL who got along with her the least can give her a hug, what can you do to get along?

Not buying.

Let your brother bring it up.

In the mean time, read a great book for such occasions: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And learn to not take anything personally - she meant to push a button hard by communicating this to you. By not taking it personally, you've just unwired one of her buttons that is supposed to care.

I can’t understand why WW let you know. I am sorry you are hurt. I imagine your counselor can help. Take care

I'll be bringing it up with my IC, for sure. I have a list of things to talk about with her on my desk and read it and then thought I'll just throw it out to SI, too.

I don't think my WW had any ulterior motives in telling me. I think she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be surprized if it came up out of the blue.

I haven't had a reason to talk to my brother since this. I thought I might see him at a bull sale on Monday but he wasn't there. The implication I got from my WW's e-mail was that my brother was quite uncomfortable. They had left before my WW was finished her business and hadn't said anything to her when they left. It was my SIL initiating a hug that surprised me. That wouldn't have happened before they knew about the adultery, I don't think.

I was wrong. My WW has 9 SILs in my family and I have 5. I have 4 sisters. I think one SIL had reached out to her once before and other than that there hasn't been any other contact with any of my family.

My WW communicate by e-mail. Right now I'm trying to get an agreement in place to split marital assets for D. We also have a 50:50 partnership in the ranch and there is some communication about that. We have 3 married daughters and 8 grandchildren with another on the way. We are together for birthdays, Christmas and the like and will continue to be after D.

I'll be talking about my reaction with my IC. It was the greeting with a hug when hugs weren't standard greeting previously. Thank you everyone for your input and insight.

I'm not sure you can trust what she says, that it happened the way she said it did. I would talk with your brother to clear the air. He could have an entirely different view of the interaction.

Hi Steady,

People act strangely in these situations. It could mean nothing. It could just be the awkwardness from not knowing how to act, like when people go to funerals. The death of your marriage could feel like a funeral to them.

steadyc,

I'm guessing your reaction (at least to SIL hug) has something to do with feeling a little slighted that she would offer emotional support to someone who hurt you so much coupled with the general sadness from the devastation that WW's a caused.

I had a taste of that when my XWW was still at the house after our D. My mother would come by and they would chat like everything was fine. And my mother would be offering words of advice on moving and how she might be able to help. I felt mortally offended! How you could my mother be supporting of such a person that quite literally destroyed our family with her actions????? But some people just want to keep the peace.

Maybe your family want to keep the peace too and are sad at the outcome. Nothing against you.

Strength, bro.

Are you thinking they should be on your side, and this interactions says maybe they're not?

I can't know, of course, but I think your SIL might be over-compensating for her previous standoffishness. She may have hugged your STBXW the first time because she felt sorry for her for losing you, and the 2nd time because she knew she had no support from your brother.

I suspect you're questioning yourself somehow; you;re wondering if others important to you are also questioning your quality; and that's the source of your hurt.

You'll solve this.

Why can't you call your brother and ask him about it?

I'd guess they were uncomfortable and that is how it manifested.

I was gone from 6 am to after 8 last night at 2 different meetings 3 hours apart so didn't respond. I was a little tired. Now I'm up at 2 am.

I think you nailed it Squid and CharliB. I do think they should "be on my side". I don't think they would need to shun her. If they see her in town, they see her. It was the hug by the SIL that the SIL supposedly initiated that was not a standard greeting in the past. From what my WW wrote it seems to me my brother was trapped and didn't want to make a scene. I will find out in time from him. I hope he brings it up but, if he doesn't, I will.

My family doesn't know details. They know we separated because she committed adultery. What the greeting by my SIL felt like to me was "what did that man do to you to make you cheat?". Over sensitive. Perhaps.

I've seen this attitude and read about it more. Probably jumping to conclusions.

I am sure your SIL was at a loss for words in that

store and so was your WW and brother. Awkward makes

the mouth stay shut but the brain feels the need to

communicate "hello" so a no verbal hug is offered.

This hug does not support or indicate sides being

taken, but I am an adult and I can act mature and

without creating conflict.

You yourself have stated that your WW is still going

to be seen at future important family functions.

That hug sent the message no one will make those

times unpleasant for the children and grandchildren.

It seems your WW regrets her actions and wishes

for recovery.

I'm sorry SC. Praying for you my friend.

It probably was just an awkward moment for all three.

I question as to why your stbxw brought it up to you.

I got an e-mail from my WW last week about something that happened.

My WW was giving me a heads up about what happened.

I am confused on "what happened," why she would send an email specifically to tell you? A bunch of possible motives go through my mind, most revolving around caring and sensitivity from your STBXWW. Is she very sensitive to you being upset? Do you see that as an aspect of remorse?

Can I ask, what if nobody had told you this brief exchange took place? Would that have been acceptable to you?

It's very hard for me to understand the full dynamic with your exW and your family, and I don't know where you are with your healing, but this brief exchange sounds like survival and acclamation to a new reality. It seems as if even relationships that were unpleasant can be cast into a friendlier light when we know people are hurting; we give people more compassion.

I can't see that anyone did anything wrong here, but it does sound like you are not doing all that well in coping with the changes. Do you have any comtinued contact with your ex? Are you in IC? Is she? This is a tough adjustment. I hope everyone is receiving the support and guidance they need to heal. And imo, most families survive divorce by hoping for healing--not payback or open hostility. You want that because of your own pain, but families don't usually feel comfortable acting this way and maybe that is fair from their vantage point? They usually hope for both exes to get to a new place of detachment and calm so that everyone can move on. That's your goal too, right?

My WW will not be at any functions with my family. She will be at functions like grandchildren's birthdays and Christmas with my daughter's and their families. I'm okay with being at those functions with my WW. She is their mother, MIL and Grandmother and she belongs in their lives.

There has been no contact with any of my family - brother's, sisters and their families - other than one other SIL almost a year ago. This didn't happen with the two assholes that two of my sisters divorced (adultery and narc). Out of respect for my sisters I wouldn't have anything to do with them and neither has any of my brothers sisters or their spouses.

I do believe my WW regrets the LTA. I think she told me so that if it ever came up I wouldn't be blindsided.

How would I know if I would be upset if no one told me about this brief exchange if I didn't know about it? If no one told me about it and I somehow found out later I would be pissed. This didn't happen with the two assholes that two of my sisters divorced.

I'm in IC with a very good Doctor of Psychology. PTSD is under control. Mostly in a good place and wanting to proceed divorce and get the rest of my life sorted out. I'm coping quite well with the changes, OIN, other than proceeding to D is moving too slowly.

People are allowed to be hurt, irritated or pissed by the actions of others. I expected, based on previous behavior, that there wouldn't have been any such signs of affection. I'm hurt that there was although the hurt is lessening with time. A simple meeting and exchange of neutral pleasantries out of courtesy would have been just information. I do think, based on the short description WW put in her e-mail, that my brother was quite uncomfortable.

As I said in my opening post, I don't know what I was looking for or just venting, getting it off my chest, kind of journaling. I appreciate the input and perspectives. I have it on my list of discussion items with my psychologist.

steadychevy, is the thorn in your side about an impression you have formed, that your sister thinks "It's different when a woman cheats," basing your impression on the point you made, that both cheating Ex-Husbands of your other sisters have been shunned by all of you? So that makes you wonder what is different here, other than the gender of the cheater?