SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is my first and only and I was her first and only until her affair changed that. We met in high school and have been married for 37 years. I found out last year that she had an affair with my best friend just 2 years after we were married. So for all these years I thought that I was the only person she had been with. I was so wrong. I always took great pride in us and our relationship for being each others first and only. I felt that I was "the man". That I was the only one that she loved and trusted enough to be allowed inside of her. Now I know that I`m not "the man" but just "a man". She has taken that special part of our relationship away from me. I too have wondered what it would be like to be with someone else. Do they feel different,smell different, taste different? Is my wife good in bed? I think she is great but I have no one else to compare her to. But now I know that she has another to compare me to. How can I and married sex compare to the exciting and illicit sex of an affair? She says that I am much better but what else can she say? I will never know for sure.

I can't imagine how I would feel if he had been my first and cheated on me. What devastation. I know it bothered him that I had 4 other partners, but I hadn't even met him yet. There were some things I did not do with men because I wanted it to be for my husband only in an attempt to leave something special for them. The fact that I don't truly know if he was sexual physically with this woman is hindering my healing.

I wasn't his first... but he was mine. Not only is he the only man I've ever been with, but he's the only man I've ever even been turned on by. I've never wanted anyone else. Granted, we were young when we met, but still. a wayward thought has literally never once crossed my mind.

For me, sex and love and intimacy- they are all so intertwined because of this. I can't imagine separating any of it.

I think maybe if I'd been with someone before him, I might be able to understand how he could have sex with someone and it not mean anything. But I think it makes it so much harder for me because it has ALWAYS meant something to me. It used to feel so much more special.

The fact that he was even tempted... that he could want someone else even for a moment... it's something I still struggle with a LOT. It's devastating.

Ripped62

Why does it matter?

Everyone builds their own personal version of relationship identity. Having been firsts and onlies I built upon what was uniquely shared between us as being special in our story, both on the physical and emotional side.

When my WW first told me she had slept with OM I was devastated as any BS would be. For me the loss of exclusivity was an extra kicker. I found myself rewriting what was important to me, identifying sexual acts WW had not engaged in with OM and creating a new safety net, stitching together everything that was still just mine. Over a month or so of trickle truth the list of exclusivity got smaller and smaller, and my ability to construct security was completely undermined. One of the hardest mental adjustments I had to undergo was letting go of the idea that anything was exclusive to me. Sure there are plenty of things that are still unique between me and my wife, but my tendency to hold fast to anything I can claim as just my own is ultimately detrimental. I needed to work against this behavior of cherishing exclusivity, in my situation it's not a foundation on which to rebuild security.

I know this part of my journey is different from yours and from layla's but I don't think I'm alone in how I've had to process through the loss of "onlies".

She was 16 & I was 19 when we first met and started to date/go out. It was always very special knowing we were 'onlies' (or so I thought). This is how our children know us. Even our friends know how long we have been together.

After 38 years I found out about her A's. Either the guilt finally weighed in on her or I eventually managed to ask the right question in the right way at the right time.

I can never feel that anything we ever did is sacred or special to 'US'. It was all done with others.

Any specialness we had is totally clouded by the secrets that they had.

It is all very hurtful.

It sucks knowing the months I spent being sidelined was when they were having the most fun.

Even now at 4 years after DDay, the mind movies haunt me.

The one truth I have is that she was MY one & only. I held up my end!!

Something positive to look back on is that the last 30 years, since the A's ended, we have had a good time together!!

What can I say? That she got it out of her system, sowed her wild oats?

Just no consolation.