SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I sent you a personal message (PM) into your mailbox, but I'm not sure if you can respond yet until you get to your first 50 posts on here or not.

If you look into the forum category called "I Can Relate" you will find numerous different kinds of threads each devoted to certain aspects or situations that are more unique or above and beyond the norm of things on here. Additionally, c there is also specific support for certain people in certain "categories".

Technically, it doesn't immediately sound like you are what we call a "mad hatter" which means someone who had a revenge affair because their spouse committed adultery first...

However, I would be inclined to put you in that category to a degree because infidelity is abuse. And abuse is abuse. And if you were abused and your baby was abused and your children are abused... Then it seems to me like your infidelity could very well be a mad hatter kind of revenge affair mindset of sorts.

But whether the shoe fits or not, anyone can read the mad hatter thread in the "I can relate" forum.

I responded to your message

He was in jail in 2008 for abusing your children, got out in 2009 and you had yet another kid with him in 2010? Do I have that right?

It appears you have a history of making poor choices, your last one was throwing out the book. I suggest getting it back out of the garbage and reading it again. Then I would suggest you reading co-dependent no more. Get in counseling to figure out why you make poor choices, without blaming anyone else for those decisions.

Guys...LostHope... EVERYONE... Please...

This is not how to do this... Even if your advice is actually good advice... You might as well be screaming it at her.

let's just pretend we're in a library or at a funeral for a few minutes please...

or better yet let's consider this an ICU ward and "room" for the moment... Okay?

Even if the person in the ICU was a drunk driver or did something unwise that put them in that situation... That baby and those children certainly DIDN'T.

I think we all really need to step back and first try and stop the bleeding and address the more serious issues here before getting into what her actions were that got her on this website.

I am a betrayed husband myself. I'm not making excuses for betrayal at all, but it looks to me like there's more than one "betrayal" going on here.

And while PA mom appears to be accepting full responsibility with her own admission and her own continual posting on this website, I don't see what appears to be her husband doing the same thing past present or future at this point even if his betrayal is possibly very different in nature than hers

Mod please. Help...

Amen x 2 what Cephastion said.

Also, yes MOD PLEASE HELP.

PaMom45, if you think your situation is escalating, please for your sake and for your children, reach out IRL for help.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 2:57 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

PAMom45:

Please stick around and keep posting. There is so much more involved here than just your A. Cephastion is absolutely correct we all need to step back and stop the bleeding. PAMom do you have a safe place to be? Do you and your children have access to protection and or counseling to help you if you are in an abusive or threatening situation. There are many here who want to help. The normal 2x4’s ain’t gonna work here.

If his anger escalates further, I do have a plan B. I do have family and friends close by, should something arise. I have called CYS and the police in the past.

One thing you can do very simply is get yourself some pepper spray that looks like lipstick. the stuff can be had for an anywhere from 5 to $15 at at Walmart or gun shop or other kind of places.

That can buy a woman precious seconds or minutes to get her and her children the hell out of a dangerous situation without anybody getting permanently hurt or killed.

You need to put your plan B into action. Immediately. Right now. You need to get away from this dangerous man. I dont give two shits about what you've done. He's dangerous. You need to leave him. Today.

Being abused changes the way your brain functions. It causes you to react..and act..in ways that dont make sense to the outside world. This is not your fault. You have the power to do something about it. You need to get yourself, and those precious babies, away from him.

A little background on me...my stepfather shot and killed my mother when I was 10. He got away with it. Claimed it was an accident. I knew better. I lived with him. I saw the abuse. I felt it. He looked to knock me around too. He started raping me once I started to develop. I had nowhere to go. I left anyway and was homeless for 2 years.

That could be your children's future. He could very well kill you. He's obviously a horrible father and has no problem hurting his children. You can stop all of that from becoming a possibility. Go to a shelter. Go now. Save yourself. Save your babies.

Huge hugs to you.

This thread has been moved to the wayward forum. Please post accordingly.

Ya, he has commented that I do and act in strange ways that don't make sense, He has said its weird and asks why I do it. I tell him IDK maybe there is something wrong with me.

When he brings up the affair he is seething and screaming in my face practically. I shut down and become very quiet. NOT because I am hiding anything or trying to keep secrets. Its because I am scared to answer anything.

He makes assumptions, I try to speak and before I get 2 words out he is calling me a liar, he claims he knows EVERYTHING, asks why would I do this to him...

I have asked if he wants to discuss the affair and he is all "You want a divorce! you must since you are bringing this up. You must never want me to forget what YOU did to ME" or "Yup you want a divorce you wanna talk about HIM"

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 3:53 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

So what I've said on here before is this thing about diffusing the situation and cutting flaming fire down to some coals instead.

In our current day we can text one another or share through a number of different ways without having to do it face-to-face.

Also there are numerous options available like in house or out of the house separation.

There are resources of how to get information and help and counseling.

I understand that you have a track record of him behaving lawn violently over the last eleven years if I am recalling what you wrote correctly.

But infidelity strips away a lot of the boundaries and the normal ways of thinking that normally keep people behaving very civilly towards one another.

At the moment I am not saying this to throw the stones at you at all. I'm saying this because when people start posting on here you're going to find that what you are experiencing from him is very very common from the betrayed spouse. What I mean is that his lashing out verbally and his seemingly irrational questioning and double standard behavior are very common behavioral patterns to trauma in some people and in some ways.

Consequently if he was ever dangerous before, as he quite clearly was, then I am very very very concerned that he will become POTENTIALLY very dangerous for a period Of time while the trauma of infidelity and betrayal sets in.

He refuses to do seperation period in fears I will run out and cheat again. It's still very early, 3 months in, I just wish we could sit and talk about it. Rather than screaming at me. I cannot mention the A, if i do he thinks automatically I want a divorce.

He has said if he sees the OM out in public he will go up to him and say here she is you can have her!!!!!.

My hubby also said if OM was out with his friends, despite OM being married OM would point to hubby and I laugh at us and tell his friends I cheated on my wife with her hahahahaha!!! and say to his friends her husband is a FOOL!!!!!

It has instilled a fear inside me, I have not left the house in months, Missed a friends funeral, skipped out on the kid's school functions and more. But no big deal, As I did this and only this to myself and my marriage. Like my hubby said you did this and it should not be this way. He is right. I don't go anywhere as I don't want him to do that, I don't want that. I obviously stayed for a reason, If I wanted the OM I would have broken up his marriage and we would be together. However, that is not what I want.

My hubby cannot understand why I will not leave the house. He has mentioned he would do that numerous times the last 3 months. If he sees OM out in public. And if OM was out with people he would call us fools for staying together and tell everyone he slept with me.....

Hubby wants us to take the kids to movies and the museum etc I have 0 interest. My place solely is in my bed, running around doing laundry, dishes etc. I have 0 knowledge of what fresh air is any more or what the weather is like outside anymore. No big deal I did this to myself, by myself. In time I would say, hopefully, I will muster up the courage to go outside again.

If he does leave since he is solely now in charge of any outside activity grocery shopping, picking up the kids etc I request to have his dad come watch me, his dad does not I cheated he thinks I want his company. Hubby thinks I am being weird and dramatic.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 5:20 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

I'm trying to set the abuse issues aside for the time being and speak only to the issue of reconciliation even though I'm sure that it's very out of order in terms of priorities.

as far as I am concerned you are something of a mad hatter as they say on here.

You did betray through infidelity but you have also been horribly horribly betrayed yourself.

Therefore in my very unprofessional but heartfelt opinion, you need to take the advice on SI that applies to betrayed spouses, as well as what applies to waywards.

Having said that, if you were to post in the jfo forum (just found out), then you would see a kind of broken record kind of advice given to people who have been betrayed and have consequently just found out and are still very fresh in the shock of the discovery and the trauma of it all.

Your husband does fit into this category (whether he seemingly deserves to or not because of his very serious offenses against you and your children).

But in a way I think you do too.

Do not post in that form yourself unless you get permission from the mods to do so. Which I rather doubt that they would grant because it is very specific what the forum is designed for.

What you can do however is read on there what they advised to people who have been through the shock of betrayal and trauma.

Additionally in the healing library there is considerable material available to the betrayed.

you need to baby step yourself forward like you are going through physical therapy after a very serious injury. And your husband needs to do this for himself as well. I am saying this as a betrayed and not as a wayward or mad hatter. the wayward forum is usually full of people who are pretty hard on way towards but they have good medicine to offer. The mad hatter thread in the I can relate category could likely give you more sympathy in terms of people who can actually relate to where you are at.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:26 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

I'm going to try and immunize you while we're at it... Give you some vaccination shots so to speak.

People often get into patterns of thinking and behavior.

That's true for seemingly good patterns as well as bad ones.

If you were in a serious vehicle accident and you had an allergy or sensitivity to certain medications for a pre-existing medical condition that people needed to be aware of, then you would likely wear some kind of a bracelet that would indicate those sensitivities or conditions to any kind of first-responder or medical personnel.

I think you need such a bracelet on here.

These guys are seriously good at what they do in my opinion but they have to know what they're dealing with right up front.

You are a victim of extremely serious abuse. They need to know that right up front that your babies were threatened. they need to know that you are a child abuse survivor. They also need to know if you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse specifically, unless you can't comfortably share such matters, that is.

Even in the medical world, you don't just go moving somebody around if their neck is broken. You handle them with extreme caution that you might not use on just anybody else in the same kind of car accident that doesn't have a broken neck.

Another thing you need to tell people is that you "trigger", as it seems most certainly that you do.

I can explain that term, but it is not a derogatory or insulting term, since I trigger regularly myself and many of the people on here do as well.

Even an inanimate object in the UPS shipping or postal service will often carry the label FRAGILE... HANDLE WITH CARE.

By way of inoculation or vaccination, you've already discovered that there is a lot of touchy that goes on here on SI about the wayward accepting responsibility. I will tell you right now that accepting responsibility appears to be a process as well as an initial decision.

That is not only true for my own wife and even myself in realizing what it was that she needed to accept responsibility for... But I see it all the time here on SI. Seeing ourselves and our spouses as they and we REALLY are is a process. It is a decision but the decision begins the journey.

Tell them that your back has been broken (which it actually LITERALLY HAS BEEN by your own family, horribly enough). Physical therapy is a process and so is psychology therapy.

We are all on here to help and support one another... Well almost all of us are at least.

I'm going to take a little breather while I think about specific applications that would help you and your husband besides what I've shared in mostly rather conceptual non-specific ways so far...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:44 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Cephastion:

Wayward spouses can not post in JFO. There are no exceptions.

SI Staff:

Ok. I understand. I didn't mean to lead anyone astray there.

But she can still read what advice is posted on there for betrayeds, I guess.

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PA Mom:

It sounds like you might be benefited by some of those things I refer to at times like the Between or other couple's apps that have a built-in optional GPS tracker that shows the phone carrying spouse where the other phone toting spouse is at.

There are numerous other ways of staying accountable to assuage the fears and concerns of the betrayed spouse.

Also, there are ways of getting discussions going between you that aren't so heated and toxic in nature.

For one thing, besides IC and marriage counseling and texting apps and secure/private emailing accounts, there is online counseling available. Also, if you can find a truly trustworthy friend or family member or couple or minister/clergyman that could just referee discusssions on THEIR terms and turf instead of on your husband's terms and turf...that could help be a great resource for taking some of the venom and ugliness out of the discussions.

Making a regular time to talk or text or work thru some of these things together with another third party involved or a combination of some of these options being employed throughout the week and month, could really help things come out and get looked at together without fear of total meltdown or safety issues arising during the heated topics and discussions.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:44 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Thanks everyone