SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is indeed a place for support, but useful input is sometimes hard to hear, especially for the WS. Honestly, if you think "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" was pointless, then you are unlikely to find much here that seems relevant to you. The principles in there are pretty central to the advice you will receive here.

I want to echo the assertion that physical violence, or even the threat of physical violence, has no place in a marriage and is not something you should be expected to tolerate. The WS gives up a lot of rights in the process of earning R, but that is not one of them.

I hve tried to talk to him about it, asking how he is, etc he says I'm fine and stop asking you are pissing me off.

I have apologized over and over and over

I am no longer keeping any secrets

If he feels the need to express his feelings, he does and does not happen very often.

I broke off ALL contact with the affair partner the day of discovery day

The kids DO NOT know

The affair was MY responsibility, I accept that. Saying it was my partner like I stated it is not his fault, IT IS MINE I should have talked to him about our problems before straying off.

I feel I am NOT defensive with my words or actions.

I am accountable for my time and any activities which have never been done without my partner we do everything together.

SO yes I have taken in the aspects of the book, I have listened to the whole 2 hours of the book from audible.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 8:03 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

Gently, though, you do sound very defensive in this post. What advice are you hoping to hear?

I disagree, I don't believe I sound defensive anywhere in this post.

It was pointless for me to buy the book. I THOUGHT someone was recommending me to buy the book for my hubby to read since I am new and not on terms with the abbreviations and such on this site, I misread. I did listen to the book, the day I purchased it from Amazon.

I tossed the book in the trash.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 8:06 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

You may have read (or listened) to the book but you certainly did not comprehend it....

You didn't find anything useful in that book AT ALL?

It was pointless for me to buy the book.

I tossed the book in the trash.

What was it that you didn't like about the book?

Hello PA Mom. It may be difficult for you to get the advice you need here from BS who are in reconciliation. The wayward side will probably benefit you a great deal. That doesn’t mean you are in isolation there or alone. The General thread is also a great place for everyone to find support.

You are a newcomer to our forums it appears and I first say that you are brave to take this step and come for support. Not too many WS will do that, I know mine would not. I hope you stick around and read some threads, visit the healing library.

I downloaded McDonald’s book to our computer for my husband to read, which he did. As a BS I also read it because I thought it could give me some insight toward his behavior and whether I could find remorse in it. I was desperate to know for sure that it was real and he was dedicated to recovery. Your husband seems like he is in angry stage and that’s normal. The very best thing you can do is answer questions without resentment or sarcasm, even if he had asked you the same ones before. Be patient and let him express his feelings as long as they are in a healthy and non- threatening way. Show in your actions you are consistent and that he is still special to you. Words do not mean much in this stage. Actions define your commitment to him and working things out. Offer to pay for and take a polygraph test. What we he needs is what you should be doing.

I know it’s tough. Your dday appears to be very recent. Please find a therapist you like to help you get to why you have cheated because deep down you know it isn’t his fault.

He’s responsible for 50% of the marriage breakdown before your affair. The decision to cheat was 100% yours. You do come off as defensive, but I think you know this is on you. You say as much.

Explore the site when you have a good chunk of time to sit down and absorb. We all have different experiences here but most of us still posting regularly are just wanting to help others.

The reason it was suggested that you read the book,was so you could do what the title said..help your husband heal from your affair.

It sounds like you're doing some things right.

You also should have been tested for STDs. No lying. Answer every question with complete honesty, no defensiveness or anger. Dropped any friends who knew about the affair. Given him a complete timeline. Gotten yourself into IC so you can figure out the reason you cheated (it had nothing to do with your husband,or the marriahge). Be specific in your apologies. Gotten rid of any gifts or mementos from the affair. Etc,etc.

Hiw old are your kids? How long was the affair? Who was OM? Did your husband know him before the affair started? Did you bring OM into your house? Your car? Around the kids?

This is a place of support. The questions asked aren't meant to be nosy or mean. They're asked so we can get a better understanding of what happened, so the advice can be more specific to your situation. You will be challenged in your thinking,because your thinking is flawed. All waywards thinking is flawed,otherwise they wouldnt have cheated. No one is attacking you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:46 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]

It was pointless for me to buy the book. I THOUGHT someone was recommending me to buy the book for my hubby to read...

Was it a book or an audiobook?

Get the book. Get a highlighter and mark the sections that resonate. Scrawl notes in the margins. Dog ear it. Read it all, and then revisit sections. Every day, decide you are going to be the person that will help your husband heal NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. Work to make it a habit. One time listening to an audiobook won’t cut it.

Then give it to your husband and tell him that this is the path you are trying to walk, for him and for yourself too, so you can look at yourself in the mirror again. And then...walk the path.

And walking that path has nothing to do with him, anyway. It is about being a good person, which you should be whether married or not.

Are you willing to change? Or even just to try? Throwing the book away tells me you aren’t. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 8:31 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Anger is a shield that we hide our pain and vulnerabilities behind. When he expresses his anger at you, he is showing you how hurt he is and how much he cares. It's not the healthiest way to express our emotions, but it makes sense given the circumstances. If you react by saying, "But I did x and y already!" you will keep the clock stuck at zero in terms of healing. Saying, "Yes, I know, what can I do to help?" will go a lot further.

The actions you have taken to be transparent and accountable are necessary and important, but they do not erase the pain that your husband feels. Grieving and accepting are a long process that will require talking about this stuff over and over again for a long time.

I read a lot of anger and frustration towards your husband's reactions in your post. What are you hiding behind the anger?

You both need to be in therapy, and when the time is right, you can start doing marriage counseling as well.

You threw the grenade of infidelity into your own marriage and now you complain about your husband’s wounds. These may not be the “kind words of support” your after, but the best thing that you can do is pull your head out and stop blame shifting your affair. “I did it because of...” is bull. You did it because you wanted to. You also seem to lack empathy which is probably a big part of your marriage problems, the reason you had the affair and why reconciliation isn’t working. I hope that you’re in IC. You have a lot of work to do to be a safe partner again.

The OM does not know my kids or hubby. NEVER brought him around my kids or in my house.

The kids are 13,11,11 and 7.

I don't drive so...

The affair revolved around the OM. He is also married.

It started in Nov of 2018. He texted me, I could not text him first.

I had chances to meet up with him when he asked if I was free. I declined, However Dec 1st DD was when I cheated and got caught.

I showed my hubby ALL text & phone records showing proof of this. He does not believe any of it.

He has refused IC.

I am not a fool I was tested for STDs I am clean.

OM was my neighbor growing up when were teens, he always tried to get my attention, Even well into my late 20's. I avoided it. He got my # when my dad gave it him

Hi, PAMom45.

I'm a betrayed spouse (BS) and I'm a little different from most here. I'm plenty angry with my wayward husband (WH) for choosing to step over that line, and I cannot see anything that I could have done differently that would have prevented him from doing so in that moment.

I, however, find that I come from a different place than most here on SI in terms of my perception of infidelity in a marriage.

The BS doesn't "cause" the WS (wayward spouse) to cheat. The WS chooses to cheat as a poor coping mechanism, due to lack of maturity and/or decent boundaries, or simply out of selfishness. Those, IMHO, are the basic reasons. Others may disagree or have different opinions about the mechanisms/personality traits/character traits that allow this thing to happen.

I do, however, view infidelity as a "weather report" of sorts on the state of the marriage. Others will argue vehemently against this idea. Perfectly happy people in perfectly happy marriages to spouses who are perfect in every way still choose to cheat!

Got it. True enough. IMHO, it's still, even in the most perfect situation, a "weather report" on the marriage. In that specifically perfect case, it's pointing to the fact that one spouse is more married, more committed than the other. That may have nothing whatsoever to do with the perfectness or desirability of the betrayed spouse, but it's definitely still a "weather report," a "situation check" on the marriage. It *is* a factor. At some point it makes itself known, and will need to be dealt with.

Infidelity disrupts the power balance in the marriage- whether that power balance was healthy in the first place or not. I think this is what you are seeing with your husband. He wants desperately to restore the power balance to its status quo, whether the status quo was healthy or not.

Honey, I don't care if you swam out to the troop ships- threatening to hit you in the face, threatening you with any sort of violence is unacceptable.

If the two of you are going to stay in this marriage, both of you need to find a way to accept that you did a grievous injury to the marriage, and that you will both need to find a healthy way to cope with, to live with that injury being part of your history. I'm not saying that either of you must condone it- but it can't be "un-happened." Both of you can either find a way to live with it in a healthy, mutually respectful way, or one or both of you cannot.

This infidelity can be a deal breaker for one or both of you, but it is not carte blanche for disrespectful and/or violent behavior out of either of you.

Either of you are free to leave this marriage at any time due to disrespectful behavior. No one has to stick around for abuse, not the BS, and not the WS either.

If my husband *ever* so much as *verbalized* the desire to "punch me in the face" he'd be trying to stare down a sheriff with a restraining order in the very next breath. Let him try to explain to the sheriff why "punching me in the face" is an acceptable response to *anything*.

Shame on you SI people who blew right past this into the typical SI stance of "CHEATER IS ALWAYS TO BLAME, PERIOD!" WAKE UP, PEOPLE. SERIOUSLY.

PaMom45, you stop screwing around. Be accountable, tell the truth. Treat your husband and your marriage vows with respect. Being unhappy in your marriage is not an excuse for screwing around. Your unhappiness is, however, a real and valid issue that needs to be addressed. Take the screwing around out of it- no, really, it shouldn't be there at all- but the imbalance of power in the marriage and your unhappiness are real issues that do need to be addressed.

If your husband threatened you with physical violence in a remote place over this- there are obviously issues in your marriage.

Your husband has a right to feel angry and violated. He has a right to express his feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and violation, with maturity and with mutual respect.

He does NOT get to treat YOU with disrespect. He does NOT get to disparage you, or call you names, or threaten you, or threaten to beat you, or drive you down some remote isolated road and threaten to "punch you in the face." NO.

Mutual respect needs to be restored in your marriage. Mutual affection and feelings of support, trust and nurturance need to be restored in your marriage. You don't get there with "retribution disrespect" and you certainly don't get there with threats of violence.

GAH. Sometimes this "IT'S ALL THE CHEATER'S FAULT!" and "THE CHEATER GETS WHAT HE/SHE DESERVES!" bullshit on SI just goes way too damned far.

As always, I'll be over here hiding behind the fire extinguishers, fabricating my asbestos suit.

If the texts started in November, that's when the cheating started. It became physical on Dec 1.

Your husband may have contributed to the marital problems, but the cheating is 100% on you. And no one on this thread said she deserved to be threatened with physical violence.

This man is 3 months from dday,and it's to be expected that he is hitting the rage phase. Expecting him to show respect to a woman who had completely disrespected him and abused him might be all well and good, but not realistic. Especially when he is being told "I cheated because you weren't showing me affection. "

The kids probably know more than you think. Like you said,concerning the std testing, you're not a fool, so I imagine your kids aren't either. If they sense the tension, it's a good idea to tell them the truth, in an age appropriate manner. Kids have a tendency to make things their fault. They may be worried and scared that their parents might divorce. Reassuring them that you are working on things is a good idea.

Does the other man's wife know? She needs to be told. Kindly,and with conpassion.

Have you ever hit,slapped,kocked,or threatened physical violence towards your husband?

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:16 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

I have never hit or threatened my hubby

He did spend a year in jail in 08' for abuse on our infant son.

completed anger management. I decided to Move back to our home with the kids in 2012. I would see him via supervised visits at my house.

We got pregnant with our 4th child in 2010.

Did not cheat then, despite the opportunity WAS there since we were apart for 5 years of our marriage.

When we first started dating he was physically abusive driving down dirt roads to beat the shit out of me that stopped when we had our first kid.

Guess, In a way I deserved it. I mean 8 years of my life was spent with my brother physically abusing me. To which I suffered from a fractured back and tail bone. Every day my brother would beat the shit out of me for n reason. He did beg for forgiveness years later.

Good luck telling the OM's wife they share a FB acct. Turns out he is a serial cheater.

I KNOW THE AFFAIR WAS 100% MY FAULT how many times do I have to say that on here???

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 12:41 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Dear PA Mom,

How? How does a mother get over that? How in hell's blazes can a mother of 4 get over her infant being beaten?

You need real, qualified professional care.

I know I CERTAINLY WOULD!

WHAT help have you gotten to address his AWFUL crimes against you and your precious family?

I did 5 years of IC and involved CYS to do supervised visits and family base therapy program for 4 years.

I will never forget that night, I took the baby upstairs for a bath. Noticed he could not move his arm. My husband REFUSED to take him anywhere, destroyed the phones, I could not leave. He said I don't wanna get in trouble. I said for what? Let's go to the hospital.

The next morning we went to our doctor she had us take him the baby to the hospital. They did x-rays he had 12 healed fractures, 3 new fractures, 2 fractures that were healing and a busted nose.

Cops came I was questioned for 6.5 hours. They arrested my husband. The baby was 2 months old at the time. To this day he still pleads his innocence. He blames the hospital for the injuries. As a mom, I could never imagine doing that to my kids. My mom did that to me when I was young, She even tried smothering me once as she did not want me and I promised myself, I would never be like her.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 12:59 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

People have a way of categorizing problems.

This website is no exception to that, but at least the intentions are to handle problems with a focus on each issue that needs to be addressed.

There are forums and threads for specific issues and needs but they are not always easy to know where to find.

One such thread deals with victims of childhood abuse.

I will post it here for your reading and support, but please don't think I'm trying to get you to stop posting on this thread.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=579889

(Don't be put off by the "sexual" if that wasn't the kind you experienced in your FOO (family of origin). Abuse is abuse to some extent. Read the first page of this thread and consider looking into some of the links and resources listed there)

another thread deals with people who have narcissistic personality disorder.

I am not trying to diagnose your husband but...

Additionally many of the kinds of ways that people hurt or abuse each other is because they have a lot of unresolved hurt and pain from other relationships or other situations.

I do not know how a mother is supposed to heal from trauma and the horror of seeing her baby so horribly violated and her motherhood so horribly violated...

But then again I'm still getting over watching my dad almost killed my mom when I was four.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 1:11 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]