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I noticed in the past and very beginning of this process I would of course feel the hurt and anger on a deeper level - but at times I would also remember it to keep my distance from WS.

I told my therapist that I felt like I was doing this because i didn’t know how else to keep my emotional distance. I would think about what WS did and feel the pain and that would be enough to build my wall.

Now I notice I don’t feel the anger and the hurt nearly as hard as I did before...sometimes I can be completely ‘normal’ for the day or around my WS...happy to report my new ‘normal’ is much different and I’m very much detached in the right ways.

At times though I’ll find myself unnecessarily thinking of certain aspects of the betrayal when I think I’m being too ‘comfortable’ with WS. I’ll start to try to pain shop again (by habit) but inadvertently stop myself and wonder if I’m repeating a pattern. I wonder if I’m stuck in a cycle of pain shopping?

I need to trust myself to handle this without pain shopping. I need to trust my new found strength and the healing I’ve done so far. Anyone else experience this? Words of wisdom?

At times though I’ll find myself unnecessarily thinking of certain aspects of the betrayal when I think I’m being too ‘comfortable’ with WS. I’ll start to try to pain shop again (by habit) but inadvertently stop myself and wonder if I’m repeating a pattern. I wonder if I’m stuck in a cycle of pain shopping?

Pain serves a purpose in our lives, and it can teach us a great deal if we pay attention to it rather than trying to run from it, numb it, or push it away.

You've made the connection between thinking about the pain when you're feeling too comfortable with your WS. Why do you think that is? What aspects of the betrayal come to mind, and why do you those specific things come up?

I would do that. I didn't want to get comfortable with my H because I couldn't trust him. It passed, but it took years.

My therapist considered it searching...I would rehash the incident over and over...each time hoping I would find an answer...thinking maybe I missed something..Trying to make sense of something that made no sense....My brain couldn't accept the size of the trauma.

Also, I feel I would "remind" myself that WH couldn't be trusted...if I started to get too close...I seemed to do it if I started to have fun, or feel happy...I felt the other shoe would drop anytime..

For me, the 5 year mark, details started to fall away...Not the big ones...but small details...the ones I was never sure about...I had less issues to rehash...I wonder if a memory is basically 5 years long. It was not a healing, but not a mass of rehash anymore.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:00 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

I believe there are a few reasons why “we” do this.

For me, I think part of it’s a punishment - why should I be ok with him? After what he did to me!

I’m heading towards two and a half years since DD. It is getting a lot better. But there is still a part of me - that when I feel happy and ok - I do go through certain aspects of their A in my head. I “relive” the bits that I know. I think it’s to remind myself. Also I think feeling sorry for yourself puts you in a pain shopping mood. Sometimes we want to feel that pain - sometimes I want a moment to myself so I can have a cry 😢 and once I’ve done that I’m ok again.

((OnlyTime)) ((cocoplus5nuts)) ((cancuncrushed)) ((Teresa1970))

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

((OnlyTime))

You've made the connection between thinking about the pain when you're feeling too comfortable with your WS. Why do you think that is? What aspects of the betrayal come to mind, and why do you those specific things come up?

I believe I do it to avoid getting too close or comfortable. I just wonder if it's healthy to "look" for the pain in those situations. I don't want to keep re-injuring myself in those few moments when I may be feeling okay. I typically will re-hash the lies...I'll start to think of the days when we were "okay" prior to D-day and I'll remember how my WS behaved with me and how deceptive WS can be. I guess it's all about the trust. When I feel "normal" around WS I'll rehash the memories of when WS was actively breaking my trust so I can remember who I'm dealing with and stay away.

Considering the others responses though perhaps I'm okay doing this for now? I definitely feel as though what I do is relatable to all of what they mentioned. Punishment toward WS, reminders of the broken trust, continued grieving.

I feel I would "remind" myself that WH couldn't be trusted...if I started to get too close...I seemed to do it if I started to have fun, or feel happy...I felt the other shoe would drop anytime..

This was me. In my experience, this "reminding myself of who he really was" fell away and stopped naturally. When he had earned my trust back over time. I was actually not able to make it stop early on; I was too raw. After that, it felt forced, especially because the "do NOT trust him!" was natural and accurate. Over time, as the trust grew back, the alarms stopped sounding.

Don't try to force anything you don't actually feel. It takes a long time.

((OwningItNow))

Thank you so much for your response. After reading each of your responses it seems what i'm doing is normal for this process. I appreciate each of you giving your insight.

Don't try to force anything you don't actually feel. It takes a long time.

I'll definitely be trying to work and focus on listening to this. Sigh. I'm struggling with triggers today...will try to get through them as best as I can.

Maise, I can remember forcing myself to have sex or say ILY when I was feeling vulnerable and raw, and afterwards, I cried. I was betraying myself and I knew it and it hurt. And honestly, he would do something selfish and I would take it even harder than usual, almost like I was ashamed of letting him get his own needs met while I again was disappointed.

I just stopped.

I took thoughts of his needs off the table, actually moving toward divorce for a full year. I simply could not compromise my internal need for safety, truth, acceptance, transparency, and devotion anymore. He wasn't those things. And I stopped listening to his pouty ways as he tried to manipulate and push. I pushed back and protected myself.

Then his work truly started.

My H has worked very, very hard to change his FOO and self-centeredness and defensiveness. I put the work back on him by valuing my needs over thoughts of losing him. When my attitude became, "You can go if my need is more than you can accept," he started backing off on the pouting. He slowly became a giver, not a taker. And I began to fall for him again. It took a very long time and was never a certainty.

I wish you the best.

Love yourself.

See how that feels.

If there is a voice pulling you back from trust, then respect it. Our gut knows things that our brain and heart are not fully aware of.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:56 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

My own opinion:

Being betrayed brings with it immense pain. Too much pain to take in and process quickly. It takes iteration after iteration after iteration of feeling pain and processing it out.

Each time one hears/thinks/talks/feels a pain, one takes in and processes more.

Minimum 2 years. I would take 'pain shopping' out of every BS's and WS's vocabulary for at least 3 years after d-day.

I think if you're less than 3 years from your last d-day and think you're pain shopping, you're blaming the victim. Which this post is also doing, but I don;t see how to get around that.

If you think you're pain shopping, I suggest the following:

1) ask yourself, 'Do I feel glad, mad, sad, sacred, or ashamed?'

2) Take care of the feeling that comes up as your answer.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Sisoon,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I always look forward to your words of wisdom.

This:

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself

And this,

Love yourself.

If there is a voice pulling you back from trust, then respect it. Our gut knows things that our brain and heart are not fully aware of.

from owningitnow.

I do need to allow patience with myself throughout this journey. Sometimes I have the thoughts of “I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I want to be better!!” Which lead me down a spiral of thoughts on whether I could be doing more for myself to get out of it or whether I’m sitting in it too much.

You both are spot on. I just need to be kind to myself, show myself love and patience, and allow the process to run it’s course. No matter how much I want to stop it, heal it quickly, get past it because I hate the feelings...I have to allow myself to feel and work through it with patience.

Thank you.