SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for checking in:

I am not on the book yet, even so- I am finding myself not beating myself up as much and I have caught my defensiveness in action a couple of times and been able to stop in the moment. Still need lots of work here and I’m reading on this a lot as i feel the defensiveness is affecting more than a lack of self compassion.

I have read a bit on the shadow self, individuation, It seems like useful ideas to learn more about.

Sorry I’m working on preparing for a counseling appt tomorrow and know that not making some big progress tomorrow is unacceptable to me and I am a bit distracted by it.

To clarify here:

I'm a little confused on your response. Can you expand upon what you see as the "rewards" of being authentic, honest, vulnerable and empathic? What about those "rewards" is appealing? How does your BH fit into your thinking here?

I see the rewards of being authentic, honest, vulnerable and empathetic as choosing compassion through fear. Allowing my BH to see my completely as I am. And hopefully being accepted for who I am, not who I want to be or hope to be or plan to be. No hiding, not trying to fix me or his feelings, but always working to be my best and care for his needs. This is the kind of relationship I desire with BH. It is the kind of partner he is and that I want to emulate.

The amount of self denial, selfishness, and self protection I engage in is abusive and gross. Breaking from it is proving more difficult than I hoped it would be. I think when I do this, if I haven’t pushed him to protect himself by leaving me, then he will have the kind of partner he deserves. Albeit with a butt load of scars and wounds and pain that will always be there.

Does that make more sense?

I appreciate you checking in with me and encouragement, it means a lot to me.

Not sure if this is encouragement, but if my WH said half the stuff you've said in this thread, I'd be ecstatic.

Allowing my BH to see my completely as I am. And hopefully being accepted for who I am, not who I want to be or hope to be or plan to be. No hiding, not trying to fix me or his feelings, but always working to be my best and care for his needs. This is the kind of relationship I desire with BH. It is the kind of partner he is and that I want to emulate

I've always allowed the world to see me completely. I don't hold back. It just is who I am and who I've always been. So, to me, this is so simple. But I now realize that's not the case for others, and certainly not my WH. So, kudos to you for recognizing this AND sharing it here.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:17 PM, May 6th, 2019 (Monday)]

As always easier said than done, the practice of vulnerability and dropping all defensiveness is embarrassingly difficult. I can want and desire in word and intent but if I can’t follow through in the moment it’s actually more harmful to claim I want to and not follow through than to say I don’t want to. It’s incongruous and feels deceitful and just more of the same. Trying to take every moment as a new opportunity, knowing if I beat myself up with the past I will stay there, and if don’t learn from the past I will also stay there. Balance, patience. These are not my strengths but I must make them so.

Thanks for the encouragement, truly I am overwhelmed by the kindness shown here.

Just had to LOL in that I don't (didn't?) correlate just being me for the world to see with being vulnerable or dropping defensiveness! I feel I get plenty defensive when challenged - something I like to think I've really gotten better at since dday (part of the work on my side of the street).

But when you put it that way, I guess it is vulnerability to just be myself, warts and all. Thanks for the reframing!