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Has anyone else experienced this? I am NOT seeking a RA, and do not want to “get even” with my WS. These feelings are out of my control, and I feel sick about it. I have always found this person objectively attractive (I think this about a lot of people), but last night we were out with a group of people, him included, and I found myself excited when H would leave to go to the bathroom and I was left alone with him. I found myself fantasizing, what if he came onto me? Would I go for it? I don’t know why this is happening, because there are a lot of things about this person that I really don’t like as well! He’s a nice guy, but has some poor qualities. I’m not sure why the idea of him having any type of feelings for me is so appealing. I told WS everything I was feeling this morning, because I would want the same from him. He says he understands and isn’t upset, just thinks it’s his fault because of what he did. I am so hurt over him cheating on me, but now it’s like I have the mind of a cheater too?? I’m really hoping these feelings go away. Anyone else experience this after being cheated on? How did you snap out of it? Or didn’t you?

I was originally seeking a RA, but not really seeking it now.

I've am at the same point you are at. Never have I thought out scenerios of people I knew. People who I saw as just friends or just coworkers, have now become attractive to me. I do find myself fantasizing about these other people.

The feelings are still kind a there. One person I have completely stopped thinking about in this manner you are thinking. I think I started to think of her because she was putting so much time into me and engaging me in conversation. I think I fell out of it with that particular person because I thought things through and realized I wasn't really attracted to her. Just the idea I guess was exciting or the idea of a RA was on my mind at the time.

I don't think that this is uncommon at all. When you're betrayed, it's a huge hit to your self-esteem. Your confidence becomes shaken and in my case, I felt like a prototypical fat, boring, drab old woman. None of which, I am. Well old-er...

It's at these times, I believe, that you become susceptible to reaching out for validation of your "worth," your attractiveness. I think that this is very human. You're aware of what's going on, which is great, so you can keep your boundaries very firm. Especially as there ARE predator-people out there who sense when someone is feeling vulnerable, and will move in to take advantage.

I can totally relate. I found myself both drawn to a few people as well but had enough sanity to realize that making any kind of move would be a hideous choice. Like you, I was upfront with my FWH about it as well. The attractions did fade pretty quickly, once I figured out the why of why I was feeling this way.

Something similar:

I found myself looking at other men and how they treated their wives. I would be jealous. Why did THOSE women get the good ones? I took 6 years of getting to know my husband before saying “I do” and STILL GOT SCREWED!

I would be attracted to really good men. And it also made me sad. I thought I had one of the good ones.

I still get mini-crushes on men who are so friggin awesome to their wives.

“I would be attracted to really good men. And it also made me sad. I thought I had one of the good ones.

I still get mini-crushes on men who are so friggin awesome to their wives.”

I TOTALLY get this too. I have a crush on one like this too, and it does just make me really sad. I thought that was the kind of guy I married too. Maybe he still will be one day. I hope.

[This message edited by ItsNotFair at 1:04 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

This thread comes up from time to time and it is absolutely normal to have these feelings. The thing is...cheating is a CHOICE. You chose well NOT to go further .

I absolutely see how this could happen. Heck, you're not dead after all. I get hit on quite a bit at work (and no, I'm not that great looking) and I just take it as flattery. It's always nice to know you still "have it" and I think that having been cheated on only magnifies those feelings.

I went through the same thing. I became attracted to another man at our gym. There was definitely some sexual tension between us. We were all each other's Facebook friends. He sent me a PM. I responded. We began chatting regularly. It wasn't a secret. My fch could look at my Facebook any time he wanted. I am always logged in. But, I didn't tell my fch, either.

The chatting went on for maybe a week or so. One morning, my fch got up before me and saw the guy's chat head on my phone. He got angry. Told me he wasn't comfortable with that. So, I unfriended him. We still saw each other at the gym and chatted there, but nothing private ever again. I honestly can't say how far it might've gone if my fch hadn't seen my phone that morning.

So, yeah, it happens. I still notice attractive guys when i'm out. I never did pre-A. I have no desire to act on anything.

Edited because I hit submit too soon.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 4:20 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

I still get mini-crushes on men who are so friggin awesome to their wives.

If you were friends of my husband and I, you would be jealous because he always treated me the absolute best in public. My guess is that it was, once again, for the ego-kibbles. “OTF, I wish my husband took us on so many vacations!” “OTF, your marriage is so awesome!” “Mr. OTF, look at you, awesome man!” blah blah blah and now, he really treats me like a princess.

Don’t be jealous, you really never know.

I think this is normal and I think part of the reason it happens is that when your spouse cheats, he breaks the marriage so profoundly that the thing that kept you from being available to other men is bleeding out on the floor and no longer really there. You didn't cheat because you loved him and wouldn't want to hurt him, you had a committment to him, you had integrity. Now you don't even know who the hell this man you married is, you realize that he would totally hurt you in ways that you never would have hurt him, you don't know what marriage even means, and you're in absolute emotional and psychological agony.

INF

Don’t worry... it’s normal.. I had started to feel better about myself and was ready to walk away from our M. I was in the Affair diet and lost 60 pounds and started to get attention from guys because I had confidence in myself.

Stupid me didn’t get D then.. I wish I would have because I believed in myself not him. I wasn’t interested in other men but it was nice to know that they found you attractive.

Keep your head straight and boundaries intact. There are piranhas out there.

Same boat here.

Right after DDay started thinking a lot about a single friend I had been attracted to in the past. 4 months later those thoughts are gone for her but still almost hyper aware of my attraction to other women like a switch went off after Dday. But as others have said that switch was my self esteem taking a huge hit and seeking affirmation.

My WS is totally understanding as well. When it happens keep sharing it to pour cold water on the idea. The minute you start withholding info it can progress to a bad place.

You do not have to feel sick about this. I talked to my counselor about this and she strongly reminded me that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to others and enjoying an appropriate interaction. Keeping your boundaries is something to be proud of, not feel guilty for.

My neighbor was taking care of his wife with brain cancer...I saw his devotion...this efforts...the time he invested...hes handsome.

I knew my Wh would never be like that...he has no emotions...he is cruel....hes a cheater.

NOw this neighbor is widowed...has been for 4 years...and I am divorcing...HEs very interested...and Im not..

I was desperate..I was lonely...I was destroyed by the A..Now that things have calmed down, we are Ding, I am not attracted to him..I think emotions play with our heads during trauma...its always best to have boundaries. I avoid him. Will it switch back? probably not. I often wonder if this is how A's begin.

I can see how the attention, the affection, the understanding, the electricity is attractive when you feel your most rejected...its not a cure...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:07 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

I will take a slightly different tack...and slightly piggybacking of Want2behappy.

I have never cared who my husband was "attracted" to. He was married... Not dead. I cared that he was MARRIED to me. That he was committed to me. That hia fidelity and loyalty was to me. I didn't care if he found other women attractive, appreciated their looks or even complimented them. I cared when he started being unfaithful, disloyal, inattentive to me, kids and not pulking his weight in our home.

I am attracted to other men. Regularly. For different reasons. I have a co worker that looks like he regularly kissed a garbage disposal and polar opposite of me in political beliefs.. I love go debate with him. Thats attractive to me.

But like W2BHA...I would never choose to cheat.

I will let you in on a dirty secret...even when shit was good between me and my husband. When I felt overwhelmed...ready to escape ...I would fantasize about the construction worker in front if my building.

Your human. Attraction doesn't mean affair. Don't beat yourself up.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 11:25 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

Onthefence, you are so right.