SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted her in JFO a week or so ago. I discovered my WW has a sex addict. Lots of online meetings and virtual sex with other guys.I found the emails and videos a pictures she saved and sent on her phone and computer.

She broke down crying and admitted she had a problem. She arranged for therapy from a CSAT Councillor. She went to the first session, and seemed really remorseful. After discovery, I demanded full disclosure of her activities. The TT started. At first of course, it was "We were just talking". I called bullshit and produced the evidence of her sexting. Then she admitted to meeting up with one of the guys and began a year long EA which morphed into a PA. He works a block from her office building. Noon time hookups abound. Then she admits that they had sex two times. Once in his car at work, and another at his house, when his wife was out doing something with the two small kids. All this while I was at work.

Then, as I convinced her we could not attempt R until I had ALL the details, she admits to me yesterday that the PA came to my house while I was at work. They had sex here too. IN MY BED!!! And, she went on to tell me of another earlier affair with a manager at her work. He's no longer there, and it happened two years ago. That's a lot to say just to get to my point...Triggers...Now I can't even walk into MY house without being triggered. And yes, it's my house. Mine before we were together. Paid for. So I can't just walk away. Even if I threw her out, I'd still walk into a house full of AP's ghosts. I'm trapped. I'm so torn at the moment as to whether I even want to try and R. I have been so violated. My home, my sanctuary, my castle has been desecrated. I'm about to move all the living room and bedroom furniture out of MY house. I can't even walk into my bedroom without getting so mad I want to scream. The ULTIMATE betrayal. I just had to vent. I have arranged for my own IC. I hope I can get through this with my sanity intact.

how long have you been married?

got kids with her?

have you made any choices toward r or d?

kickedintgenads:

You have been heard. It is devestating and especially cruel to bring her A into your home and your sanctuary. Get rid of all of the tainted furniture. Burn it in front of her if you think such a gesture will have an impact. Or of course you can donate it to a charity. And she can pay for the new stuff out of her pay. Hang in there and vent away when you need to scream or rage.

Together six years. Married for three. No kids. Me 61, her 46. Kids from previous marriages on both sides are all grown and gone.

We agreed on R, pending the successful Sex Addiction therapy. Her issues are more complicated than I have detailed here. She has deep rooted "Daddy Issues". Those take her to a dark place trying to scratch that itch. I want to give her the chance to get help. BUT...I'm at the end of my rope. She knows it. One false move from her, and I'm out.

Sorry, man, you may think what I'm saying isn't helpful and overly simplistic. You are not describing ties that bind. Only married three years, no kids in common and none in the house. You will never wife her up. Cut and run.

Decisive action is the only thing that will assuage your dignity. The monumental effort and long (I mean very long) timeline necessary to feel safe with this woman, and the likelihood of a satisfactory return on that investment just doesn't compute.

So very sorry for your pain. I mean it.

Not The Man:

I hear you. I've done the math. And I know the odds of my recovering from this are slim. I know you are right. I'm just in a fog at the moment. Not sure where to turn. I'll figure it out.

So you know, brother, I'm over here waving my arms and hands for all I'm worth to help you clear that fog. Just want you to feel your sense of self worth again.

Sending strength, brother.

ETA: nofeelings just made a great post in the 11 Year Update thread. If you haven't already, worth you reading it.

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 12:22 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

It's a special kind of hell when they bring them into your house.

I had no choice but to move into the newly renovated forever home because we were many thousands into the line of credit from the renos. After finding out they did a native smudge ritual all over the property and every inch of the house before having sex in the back yard (classy, I know... )

Worst 18 months of my life at 55 years old.

I got rid of it and him and now have a fabulous single life as a retiree. End of story.

You'll figure it out as you go, but at our age, it's really a matter of deciding how much time you want to spend on it.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:00 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

She's not a sex addict. She is a cheater and a liar.

She does not care about hurting the people she is supposed to love and be loyal to when she is looking to fulfill her base needs.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:51 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

So do you believe he is the only OM she had a PA with? Prepare for more. Would she take a polygraph?

Three years married - it's going to take you longer than you have been married to get through R. She might have relapses at least online that set you back at square 1. Yeah, your chances of a successful R aren't great.

She's been cheating on you for almost the entire M (if not longer), no kids, just cut your losses now, life's too short, she's a SERIAL CHEATER and those rarely change, your M has been a farce, put an end to it and get out of infidelity, you deserve much better.

Thanks for the support all. I know you are right.

No kids together? RUN. Get the fuck as far away as you can from her. She desecrated your safe place. Your home. She’s a nasty woman. You deserve someone who will love you and respect you.

Apart from the CSAT therapy, what else is she doing to make you feel safe with her?

Has he offered to replace all the furniture that she tainted? She obviously had no respect for you nor your house. A WS that brings their AP into the family home, and get it on in the marital bed screams of disrespect.

Has she provided you with a full timeline?

when his wife was out doing something with the two small kids.

This some kind of special evil here. Have you asked her to explain how she could do this? What was she thinking (or was she thinking at all)? She will probably reply that it was a bit 'naughty' and the thrill of it. If that an good approximation of her answer, she really needs help to sort it out.

Are you holding on to the M because you are scared you will not be able to find anyone else to share your life with, and grow old with? If you are, don't worry too much about that. If you are close to your kids, they will be there for you.

Do you have anything (apart from your emotions of course)that is keeping you with her? are you trying to be a Knight in Shining Armour (KISA) to 'save' her from herself? If you are, sorry, but that is not a good reason, as you will be destroying yourself in the process.

Besides the CSAT, she has opened up and told me pretty much everything now. Her therapist told her to stop with that until I get an IC of my own, to help me process it. Probably good advice. She did agree to sit down and write it all out, as soon as her therapist gives her the OK to do it.

My house is being renovated. (She's doing it). New furniture, new carpet, new paint. I told her I wanted the "Stink" of her affair out of my house.

I don't know how this will end. I'm giving her a chance to fix it. She has demons. She's doing everything right at the moment to clean up the mess she made. She's totally remorseful for what she did. She knows she screwed up, and she admits she has issues and is working to address those. Time will tell if she can.

Besides the CSAT, she has opened up and told me pretty much everything now.

How do you know that? I would bet that is not the case.

Her therapist told her to stop with that until I get an IC of my own, to help me process it. Probably good advice. She did agree to sit down and write it all out, as soon as her therapist gives her the OK to do it.

How much and what you need to know is not the therapist's call.

I already don't like this therapist.

It is probably NOT good advice. It sounds more like this therapist is trying to stop your wife from letting out some "dealbreaker" information, not saving you from anything.

She didn't cheat on her therapist, she cheated on you. YOU get to decide how much you need to know, and when, not your wife's therapist.

I suggest you find out everything you can before she "whoops!" forgets something that she "Didn't think was important".

[This message edited by faithfulman at 9:02 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

faithfulman-

How much and what you need to know is not the therapist's call.

^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^

Or... she's simply telling you that this is what the therapist said.

My FWH brought the OW into our home as well.

It will haunt you for a long time, if not, forever in some ways.

As Faithfool stated, how long do you want to spend making it "right".

Eight years later we are still in the same house. I did get new furniture, etc. But there are still times I will walk through and have a moment of disgust that they betrayed their families under the school photos of our children.

Take care of yourself. Eyes wide open. You don't have to fix her, you didn't break her.

I am usually sceptical of the sex addiction excuse (I know it is real) as I believe many WS use it as an excuse to justify their selfish choices.

You deserve honesty and truth. Don't lose sight of that.

(((good luck)))

my WW is a sex addict.

Mine too. Let me add some detail around that...

- Her issues are really deep rooted, which means more than just understanding that they are "daddy issues". She is going to have to really dissect everything about this, which is going to take A LOT of time and effort.

- Once she has started to get a good grasp on where her issues came from, she's going to have a choice -- blame others (e.g. her dad) or take responsibility for how she has acted.

- Sifting through her false assumptions, coping mechanisms, habits, etc. is the next phase. This is a TON of work not only in understanding what they are, but in the practical exercise of trying to implement new, healthy actions.

- She is an ADDICT. That means that the best case scenario is that she finds a way to stay sober. She is never totally out of the woods and it will depend upon a lifetime of vigilance.

This is why the odds of a SA changing are very, very low. It isn't impossible, but one needs to have come to a point of being totally broken AND be willing to see their brokenness for what it is AND have the drive/persistence to do the work AND to be willing to make it a lifelong exercise.

Other than the odds, the thing you need to know is that this isn't something that is within your control. Addiction is a very tough thing to beat and while some call it a "sickness", it isn't something that is simply cured through the right doctors/medicine/treatment as it requires the addict to be fully and actively involved in the healing. You can't love her back or nurse her through her healing. Be very careful about the desire to "allow her to get help" as this can be all too close to believing that you need to do X, Y or Z for her. She has to do it.

She's totally remorseful for what she did. She knows she screwed up, and she admits she has issues and is working to address those.

Gently -- it is too early for you to know this and, more than likely, it isn't true. There is a difference between regret (being sorry for oneself) and remorse (being sorry for others). At this point, the only thing you are seeing, based on what you've detailed, is regret. She tried lying her way out of the situation until you pulled out evidence. Then she cried and promised to address the issue. Now she is doing everything possible to avoid being exposed and divorced. And that includes...

Her therapist told her to stop with that until I get an IC of my own, to help me process it. Probably good advice. She did agree to sit down and write it all out, as soon as her therapist gives her the OK to do it.

Assuming the CSAT actually said these things (questionable at best given that your WW is your source of information), you need to realize that her CSAT works for your WW and, therefore, her aim is to look out for her interests. The CSAT doesn't know you and, frankly, doesn't have a stake in what is best for you. The CSAT doesn't get to make the call about what you need or what is best for you.

Regardless of whether the CSAT said any of that (I doubt it), your WW is indicating that it is better for her to continue her old habits of lying by omission/hiding things from you. In addition, your WW is avoiding responsibility. It is now the CSAT that is the calling the shots and it is because you need "processing time". This all just sounds too much like your WW trying manipulate you into not leaving her.

My $0.02 -- she writes out a timeline, tells you EVERYTHING (the level of detail can be driven by you) and then you schedule a follow-up polygraph to validate that she isn't withholding more info.

Triggers...Now I can't even walk into MY house without being triggered.

There are a couple levels to this. The first is exactly what you are experiencing -- the initial trauma of the reality you've been placed into. It is awful. Do whatever you need to address them -- remodeling, getting rid of objects/furniture to even planning to sell the house. The second is when that trauma lingers and just won't let go. It's too early to be able to say, but if that ends up being the case, it is PTSD and EMDR treatment can be helpful.

I'm at the end of my rope. She knows it.

I have two points for you here...

1. You should be. Don't accept games, trickle truth, etc. SA's are, by definition, serial cheaters and part of that package includes highly developed manipulative capabilities. You need to be very careful to avoid getting sucked back in to a situation where she is able to continue hiding her addiction and taking advantage of you.

2. Use the leverage you have right now. You need to protect yourself. You have a fully paid-off house, I'll assume you've stocked up for a good retirement and are, overall, in a decent financial position. You've just discovered that only 3 years ago you married a highly manipulative person who hasn't thought twice about emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Why would you trust that she wouldn't take advantage of you financially? You should look into your options to shield yourself and, by extension, your own children's potential future inheritance.

I have arranged for my own IC. I hope I can get through this with my sanity intact.

Between being here and having a solid IC, you are off to a good start. That won't change that this all hurts like hell, but it does set you up to make it through intact.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 10:53 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]