SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting in this forum. I don't normal share things like these online, most of the times I just keep things to myself and hopefully it fixes itself up.

Where should I start.

Me and her have started dating 2011 and have our child born in 2014. Everything was going fine until I got diagnosed with ESRD. Everything changed the way she look at me, the way she talks to me, everything.. I try to ignore it because it could be just one of those mood swings she's having. It got worse when she went on vacation with their whole family, after she came back she stopped or would totally ignore me out of nowhere. She would be hiding her phone talking to someone almost every time we would be out with our kid. I later then found out that she has been talking to a guy who she claimed is just a friend. Which I do not mind her talking to other guy friends because she usually tells me but this one is different. They have their own secret conversation and secret signals when I'm not around. I didn't think about it because the guy was a thousand of miles away. Then one day i caught her flirting/sending pictures to him. I confronted her and she told me it was nothing. The next day she told me she had enough and wanted to leave me. We ended up separated for a year.

Now fast forward today. We tried to work things out since we got together again, we've been happy and everything is working out... thats what I thought.. Yesterday I found out shes talking to two different guys, one of them seems like she's desperate to talk to.. Another "just a friend". I found another text between two of them flirting back and fourth asking questions that a taken girl would not be asking or answering. She tells me she changed. She blames me to why she wants to leave me again. I have no idea what i have done.. I wanted to fix it again like the usual, but I have no idea where to begin. I feel stupid and out of options. I feel like I'm done but I'm willing to fix it? We have a 5yo kid which makes it harder.

Do you mean End Stage Renal Disease? If so, I'm really sorry, bro. Dialysis? On the list for a transplant?

What sort of support is she giving you? Cooking for your needs? Taking care of the house, etc.?

You don't really want to do what you did before, because that didn't work. Are you sure you still want her around?

It's really important that you not take the blame for her cheating. If she had a problem with you, she could have addressed the problem directly.

She cheated because of her own issues, not because of issues with you.

I know that's not much help.

The key questions are, 'Do you want to stay with her? Why?'

Yes End stage renal disease. I had my transplant 2 years ago. There was no support I got from her. We had the baby the same year I got sick, So i figure the baby needs more attention than I do. Which I understood.

I told her that before as well. If she doesn't want me around she should tell me directly but she always gives me that reassurance that we are fine.

I'm doubting myself in that part if i should stay with her or not. Half of me says yes and half no. I do want her around because I don't want my son growing up like what I have experience, broken family. I thought if I could pick up the pieces and try to fix it she would understand and not do things what she's doing.

I do/still love her. It just hurts knowing what she did.

Sorry about your situation and disease Mike.

Like Sisoon said, you don't want to do the same thing you did before; it obviously didn't work. Read in the Healing Library on this site about the 180. Also read the other threads like how to recognize true remorse. If she's going to continue with her behavior, you're going to be forced to impose consequences. Right now she has you to take care of the home while she's out spreading her legs for other men. That's not the type of person you bend over backwards for. The constant stress and drama is not healthy for your condition and is not healthy for your child. You should sit down and decide where you want to be with your life in 5 years. Then make 2 or 3 different plans on how to get there. At least one should not include her in the picture. Decide what you're willing to put up with and what your boundaries are. Then determine a path forward if your boundaries are crossed. Realize also that she's a serial cheater. Most of the time life with a serial cheater is not possible not matter what you do. I wish the best for you.

I told her that before as well. If she doesn't want me around she should tell me directly but she always gives me that reassurance that we are fine.

She has no problem cheating and having other men on the side. It works for her.

How do you like it? All you're getting are lies.

Never feed a cake eater. They just want more cake.

If you stay in this you will just get more.

I have final stage kidney failure as well. This has nothing to do with your wayward wifes actions.

Her activities seem to be ongoing.

At this time you are accepting and enabling her. You can't fix her. She would have to do that.

You can stay but until you fix yourself (get out of infidelity) you'll probably just get more of the same.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:56 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Firstly it must be very challenging to be dealing with a significant health concern and this at the same time.

As for the following comment

I wanted to fix it again like the usual, but I have no idea where to begin.

You need to realized YOU CANNOT FIX IT. Despite anything she may say or not say of anything you may feel or think YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER TO DO ANYTHING. She made those choices on her own. As such for this to move forward, the situation lies fully on her shoulders.

However, I would politely say you are enabling her behavior and playing the pick me dance with the following comment.

If she doesn't want me around she should tell me directly but she always gives me that reassurance that we are fine.

This comment suggest you are leaving it in her hands to make the decision.

It seems quite clear that she hasn't figured out there are issues with the way she is operating and unless she does or sees some consequences to her actions why would she bother changing?

[This message edited by FEEL at 12:58 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

My WH had ESRD too and got his transplant 2 years ago, guess who was his donor? Yep, me, his wife. Guess what he decided to do during that time? Yep, have an affair with his COW!!!

After DDay, what did he say? I didn't think you loved me anymore...REALLY??!!! even the therapist said, "her giving u a kidney wasn't enough to show her love, huh?"

My point, MikeO, is your wife talking to other men is not due to your ESRD! It has NOTHING to do with you but all to do with HER. it's all her choices! Until she gets out of that fog, you can't start R. Make her face real consequences, don't do the pick me dance (all of which I did and wished I had found SI sooner than I did), make her realize how much she will lose if she continues with this wayward behavior.

Good luck to you and I hope you do R with your wife! She just has to do the work! I am almost 2 years past DDay and it's still a struggle with R.

She blames me to why she wants to leave me again. I have no idea what i have done.. I wanted to fix it again like the usual, but I have no idea where to begin.

Her infidelity has nothing to do with you.

Nothing.

Her infidelity has nothing to do with your relationship.

Nothing.

Do not, for even one second, accept any blame for her behavior.

Her reasons for her infidelity exist only with her and have existed within her long, long before you ever met her.

You cannot fix her.

Do not attempt to do so.

It's not your responsibility.

She knows very well that what she is, and has been, doing is fundamentally wrong and would never want anyone to do the same thing to her.

It is her decision whether she wants to really look at herself and find out why she would betray people she claims to love, or if she just wants to continue to blame other people for her personal problems.

It is your decision whether you want to stay and tolerate her world of deceit, lies, and infidelity, or if you want to liberate yourself and your child from her shit-show.

I have ESRD too. This is not your fault, and your kidneys have nothing to do with it.

She's cheating because she wants to cheat, end of story.

Thank you all for listening and giving advises. Very thankful I found this site.

Every time she says it's nothing I know she's lying. I was hoping she would change the after what happened before but I was wrong. Maybe the only thing that makes me stay is because I want my son to have that family. I know I should just leave her. Thank you for all your support. I will do some thinking of what to do for now on and How can I handle this, and also after it.

I'm hoping to see more advises and Support In regard to this.

[This message edited by MikeO at 2:08 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

Trust your gut.

I'm sorry MikeO and I'm praying for you.

I was hoping she would change

This is exactly why most of us are here. I hoped for eight years, it got me exactly nowhere.

Based on what you posted, she's a SERIAL CHEATER and those rarely change, it sounds that you have a small child together but are not married, right ? if so talk to an attorney about 50/50 custody and just dump her and don't look back, you deserve much better, life's too short, don't waste it with a serial cheater and a compulsive liar who doesn't have your best interest at heart, also don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Think about the values you hold dear MikeO. Are you and your WW demonstrating them to your child together? To be honest with each other, to love each other, to have your SO well being at heart? Is your child learning the lessons love, respect, responsibility, kindness, integrity,? Or she your child learning how to blameshift, gaslight, stonewall? Children are sponges and learn what they live.

Ask yourself, is this how I want to raise my child. If you a answer no, it's time to leave. Get 50/50 custody and start showing your child the values you want them to learn. Be the rock that your child can grow to depend upon. And always remember to love your child. Wish you the best in coming to your decision on your next move.

Maybe the only thing that makes me stay is because I want my son to have that family.

What your son needs is a father who loves him enough to be a positive role model, and to show him that a man should not allow a woman to cheat on him and disrespect him.

Your son is watching you and he sees more than you think he does. Children are amazingly perceptive.

Your WW has no love or respect for you. Please don't lose your son's respect by allowing his dysfunctional mother to abuse you.

She betrayed you and abandoned you once, you went above and beyond to rekindle that spark, now she did it all over again. How many times do you want to go through this? You might read one or two people here mention their serial-cheating spouses and how they managed to eventually work things out over a several decades-long period, but just know that this is not the norm. You're stuck in a toxic waltz with this disrespectful assclown and you need to snap out of it.

You have choices.

You can stay in this. It's your choice. You teach people how they can treat you. Your acceptance is enabling as well.

If your son grows up and finds himself in this predicament what would you advise him to do?

Kids learn the most from their parents.

Yes you have much thinking to do.