SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to online communities. I’m pretty certain I ended my 8 year affair last night. I’m struggling and need support. I don’t want to burden family or friends but feel like I need support to stay strong.

Being pretty certain suggests you have some doubt about the affair ending. Is your spouse aware this, or that the affair is/has happened? What type of support are you seeking? It's an important question, as a number of forum contributors are former waywards who can and will be brutally frank with you, having been in your shoes.

If you are committed to getting out of infidelity, you will find there words to coach you through this difficult period worth their weight in gold. If not, you may find yourself, offended, challenged, vulnerable and confused. Either way I believe you have come to the perfect forum to change the life you've lived for eight years.

You can gain the most help by offering a detailed summary of your story. The more information you provide, the more insightful and supportive the responses can be for you. If you can weather the stormy dialogue, you can be on your way. Much strength given!!!!

[This message edited by Jorge at 8:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Welcome, I am pretty new here also. I am working on ending my affair and am struggling. The people here can be very helpful. I just wanted to say I get it, and I understand it is difficult and painful.

Thank you Jorge and Jewell7. I am struggling as well. Jewell7 what are you doing to stay strong and not reach out to your affair partner? Did your spouse find out?

You are welcome. Honestly , I just failed miserable again to end it last weekend. I am going to do it again, so I am not an authority at all, I am floundering and the situation is getting worse and worse. No my spouse did not find out, but his knows. It is a long story.

I would like to hear about your situation and I can share mine a bit.We all need support

It’s a long story. He was a member at the credit union I worked at(I still work at a CU, a different one now). It was casual chitchat at first then he started to wait around for me to wait on him. Which is not unusual, people are funny about their finances and at that time there was a huge turnover of people. I didn’t think anything of it. Then on day after maybe 1.5 years he called and asked me when I go to lunch. Completely went over my head. I joked with my husband when I got home. My husband was the one that told me he was probably looking for me. We laughed it off. I was a little apprehensive around him for awhile and I think he knew he scared me. It was super casual and work related for about another year and then he slipped me his business card with his office number circled(which I still have like a dummy)He nodded to one of the other girls and naive me thought he wanted to complain about her and her performance. So I called. He immediately went into the what time do I go to lunch, where do I go etc. I bit. I was in a bad place emotionally and mentally. My daughter was in her first year of college and I wasn’t sure who my husband was anymore. I had recently begun to take antidepressants and I was just not in a good place. We talked for a few weeks on the phone then he became more aggressive and wanted to see me outside of work. I meet him a few times in a parking garage(we both worked downtown). Casual making out and oral for a few weeks. He wanted more. I agreed to meet him in a hotel. And the rest is history. We never text. We only call each other at work and email. Our spouses have never found out. I think his wife suspects. I have tried to break this off for as many years as we have been seeing each other. Each time I give in. He is completely secure in our whatever it is and I’m full of doubt. He wants to take the next step and be together in the open. Me not so much. I’m so confused and disgusted with myself and idk. Just sick

What set me off and finally I think brought me to my knees was what he told me yesterday. He was telling me a story about the previous CU I worked at, he still banks there. He told me about how the one girl told him she thinks she’s bi, then went on to say how he takes them wine a Christmas time. He has never bought me a present. Even when I worked at that CU and we were having our affair. Idk why that set me off but it did. And this is the most done I’ve ever felt.

Others with more experience, especially WW will chime in here, but if your thoughts of ending it was because of that short exchange, I'm afraid you've set yourself up for failure.

Ending the affair will have to derive from something with a much deeper meaning in your life then being slighted. What does you husband or significant other mean to you? If not much, you should consider divorce so that he doesn't have to share a wife. He wasn't even worthy enough to be mentioned in your summary.

If you have kids, what to they mean to you, as they too weren't mentioned. Do you choose your AP over them, because they too are betrayed But after eight years, I would assume you already know this. But maybe not. My thoughts are with you, however your family is also collaterally damaged, so what's your end game here?

It’s not because of the exchange last night. For me that was the last straw. I have been trying to end this for as many years as we’ve been at it. My daughter is 28 and recently engaged and she and her fiancée bought a home together. She is my world. Her father and I have been together for 30 years. I don’t know what I feel about him. I go back and forth. He is verbally and mentally abusive and physically abusive in the past. He has stepped out on our marriage many times and I stayed. I’m torn because I feel loyalty to him for all of our years together but am struggling with staying with him. I had a plan to leave 4 years ago then his dad passed away the month I was planning on leaving(he didn’t know I wanted to leave) and I stayed.

Stay no contact. The odds are you are one of many or there have been others in the past before,and during. He probably has his next victim in sight. Think about it rationally...when was the last time you brought anyone in the service industry a bottle of wine or discussed your sexual orientation with the cashier? Not normal behavior. He is obviously looking for an open door (or vagina).

Consider it a blessing that it's done and start focusing on taking your life back. I can't even fathom what this affair has robbed you of for 8 years. It's going to be a very painful process to untangle yourself. Posting here was a good first step. Work on getting your life together and doing the right thing by leaving. I'm assuming there isn't much of a marriage left. Get into IC, read here, you are worth much more than this! Get your self worth back.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:26 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Only one path here. Truth to your husband and to yourself. Abuse is not an excuse to betray the man. It's a reason for divorce however. Don't placeholder him as a backup plan, and don't underestimate the impact your affair may have had towards his abuseful behavior.

There may be a connection. Getting out of infidelity is 100% inward assessment. You have to look and discover who you are and why you've reduced yourself to settling for abuseful behavior and having a boyfriend for 8 years while married.

Professional counseling will help unravel this facade of 8 years of lies and deceit. You came here for a reason. Time to get uncomfortable get right.

Thank you pinkpggy.

He is obviously looking for an open door (or vagina).

Given that he's apparently been flirting with this cashier the same way he flirted with you, and took the trouble to mention that she may be bi, could he be testing the waters for a threesome?

We've seen plenty of predatory APs on SI, but 2.5 years is a long game for someone who didn't have other irons in the fire. Tell me more. He wants to "be in the open?" Does this mean he wants you both to leave your spouses and move in together? In your case, does "trying to end it" mean an internal mental struggle, or do you keep bringing up ending it, and he talks you around? What was different about what you said last night?

I don’t think he’s looking for a threesome. He knows I have had threesomes with my spouse and will say “he’d do it for me but doesn’t want to share” blah blah. Yes, he wants us to leave our spouses and be in an open relationship. He’s figured out how much it will cost and monthly expenses etc. all the while I say nothing and let him talk. I’ve had an internal struggle since minute one, I don’t know why I continued with him this long. I’ve been “done”for sometime and I guess maybe I’m seeing him for what he is, his actions not his words. I got nothing from this relationship with him other than an ego trip. The sex was mediocre at best in the beginning. He was very vanilla. Maybe sexually immature(I’m not sure if that’s the right word). He evolved and tried new things with me. Idk. It’s all very messed up. And as I write about this it becomes more clear how really stupid I’ve been.

Also, since he’s been pushing so much for us to “come out” I finally told him I’d never trust him in a real relationship. That right how’s hes not my concern, he’s hers. He didn’t take that well. I guess the truth hurts. He gave me sooo much time to see the grass isn’t always greener

Welcome KJ.

Are you in IC? Taking your AP out of this equation, you are dealing with many issues. The first thing you need to do is get yourself to a healthy place (WITHOUT your AP). If you are not in IC, please find someone who can help you navigate.

Sounds like your M has many issues from previous Affairs on your H's side, to various types of abuse. You need to address that. Either exit the M or both of you get healthy in the M and work on it together. Either way you decide to go, there is support on SI for you.

I finally told him I’d never trust him in a real relationship

While you are in a bad place, you are wise. Many folks struggle for a long time before they realize the AF is a liar/cheater who preyed on them. Even if your AP is serious about moving on 'together' - you are smart enough to see this is not a person who is relationship material.

You are coming out of a unhealthy M, don't continue on with the same type of guy. This is the time for you to make that change for a healthy and happier you!

You can do this. Is it easy? No. Will it be worth it. YES.

Thank you everyone. He has emailed me three times already this morning. I read them but I am fighting the urge to respond.

Have you been perfectly clear with him about ending it? Ie letting him know not to call, email, or contact you in any way? If you have tried to end it before and wavered; he is expecting the same thing.

Block him.

I just went in to delete the email account I used to email him. The three this morning were mean and angry, now there’s a new email, being apologetic. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience . Sigh

Pardon my ignorance. WhAt is IC?