SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I missed the Stop sign

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:03 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

Yikes! I missed the Stop sign.

Sisoon, I’m confused?

When you posted originally, there is a checkmark that means only other waywards (the cheating party) can respond. In your case this might be beneficial for now. Your story could be very triggering to Betrayed Spouses and you may or may not be ready for the harsher stuff yet. Sometimes a new wayward comes and leaves it off but they can't understand that the responses really do have good intentions behind them. If you feel you want their input anyway, then you can ask for it to be removed or not include it in your next post.

I have not commented yet on your actual story because I am trying to formulate what to say to you. Honestly, we get a lot of Waywards here that just pass though and don't stay. They aren't ready to really change their situation. I truly hope that you are, I am trying to find the words to convince you of that. Stay. Post. You need this place (we all do).

I’ve been where you are at in December

Block him - phone, email, social media. EVERYTHING

Early on, it helped me to view my AP as an addiction not an actual person. I was addicted to how they made me feel

Similar story here but not as long of an affair. Its been around a year and a half. Tried several times to end it. We are in "love". I alwasys end up giving in and going back . We discussed a life together. Now it is getting messy.

Without going into details, I will say I am at the point of being about to go over a cliff and I have to save myself now.

I hope you stay strong and keep NC.That is what I will have to do

Jewell7, how is it getting messy?

Well without going into detail, OM did something unwise and has made his life difficult. Now if I end it there will be extra layers of anger.

Take it from someone who had the MESSIEST affair ending possible. Get out and stay out. No matter how difficult, painful, tangled it seems, life is so much better on the other side. Stop making excuses as to why you can't end it.

It's wrong, it's hurting people, end it now. And be done. For good.

I want to end it while he and I are the only ones impacted. I’m struggling bad right now. I want to email and ask him why. Why me? Why did you pick me? Why Why why.

Please tell me about the messy ending. I need to hear the bad stories. Especially since we have never been caught or forced to choose. Sighhh

First...it's delusional to think an 8 year affair has not impacted anyone else.

My affair was short, especially compared to yours. We fell in love (gag) and it got messy. I thought he was a great guy and some how everything would be ok, no one would ever know and no one would get hurt.

My husband walked in on me talking to him early one morning, I lied. He took my phone and left for 8 hours. He read things no husband should ever read about his wife and another man. I lied and kept the affair going. Another 6 weeks. I met my AP to try to end it for the 100th time and when we got out of my car after talking...and making out...his wife was standing there filming us. She had hired a PI. They had photos and videos. I had been followed for weeks, even at my job. His wife screamed at us and told me he had done it before, he had even solicited prostitutes. She has been gaslighted for months by him, threatened with divorce, and ridiculed for her weight and issues, and I actively encouraged it. Shaming her to him about how she didn't take care of herself. Even in that moment, I saw her as the enemy. But when I turned around and looked at his face,I could tell she was telling the truth, his good guy facade crumbled. It was like ice water was dumped on me. Walk of shame to my doctor's office the next day, for a full STD panel. Came back with HPV. AP told me it came from a toilet seat and not him. I never got any answer and never spoke or saw him again. It's been over 2 years.

My marriage was done, my kids had a shell for both parents, my husband was a zombie for the better part of 18 months. I ruined my life, almost lost my job and my family.

Nothing, I mean nothing, is worth that. If you think you are in pain now, imagine if both families knew, if you saw the sheer torment on his wife's face. You are actively destroying two families. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to continue other than pure selfishness. I regret my decisions and actions EVERY day. I look at my husband and I am EMBARRASSED to be who I am in his eyes. Please stop. Get help. Stay no contact.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:29 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

I want to end it while he and I are the only ones impacted.

You are incorrect about being the only ones impacted. You both have spouses and children. They are all impacted whether they are aware of it or not. All of the energy you have fed to the AP, you have taken away from your husband and daughter. The same goes for your AP.

You are both 100% correct. I guess I meant being caught and that impact. I don’t know why i let it go on this long. I feel like such a failure at life. I never actively looked to have an affair(some may argue this). I never wanted to have an affair because my H had many. I took pride that I never steeped out and was “faithful” to him (prep mentioned 3somes w/H). I watched many of our close friends and family’s marriages be destroyed by infidelity and lies but her I am. How do I ever trust myself again, how do I not lie anymore? Does it ever really end? I’m better than this. Posting here and reading responses is helping and eye opening. Sighh

Please stop reading anything from him until you get him blocked everywhere. Remember, it is going to be lots of manipulation tactics to play on your weaknesses. He is going to try it all from anger to begging to scare-tactics/threats to lovebombing. He will try it all. You are weak right now - he will play on that. The longer you are away from him, the stronger you will get (honest).

Lets take the dynamics of your M out of this for now; let say you were single. Is this the type of guy you would want for your NB? He preyed on you while you were M relentlessly. What I mean is he didn't just try to come on to you and move along when you said no. This man spent YEARS working you.

Next, would you really want a man where you said "I am unable to be in this relationship" and he does not respect you enough to step back and let you do what you need to do? That he is sending nasty texts? Is that how you want to be treated?

Remember, you are in an abusive M. You are going to be drawn to the same type of person until you break that cycle. Broken attracts broken - and your AP is proof (cheating, lying, manipulating).

You need to expect the worst from him. He may threaten (and actually go through with it) exposing the A to your H. He may expose you on social media, work, whoknowswhere.

You need to believe you can make it out the other side no matter what and build a healthy life/self. Any pain, ache, longing, addiction-like feelings are normal and you can work through them.

Oops - IC is individual counseling. If you are not seeing someone, please find someone to help you.

You aren't going to trust yourself till you heal yourself. Get into individual counseling(IC). You have a lot to work on. Why you stayed in an abusive relationship and feel you owe it to him. Why you would settle for a cheating relationship with someone that isn't good enough to be in a "real relationship". Possible codependency. With empty nesting. Plenty to work on. Tell your family. Get support. If you have a sibling that had similar going on, wouldn't you want to help them? Stay NC.

Read my withdrawal survival guide and strap in.

You're in quicksand. It will pull you under. This is not a game.

Maia, how do I see your profile to read your guide?