SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone get a chance to watch it yet? I watched it twice at work today, well more like listened to it twice. I keep saying I'm going to pick up her books never do, but dammit I'm going to make it happen. She's pretty hilarious too and she cusses my kind of girl

The things she touches on I really could use a more in depth exploration. I talk vulnerability a lot, I talk courage a lot, and I just don't think I'm "showing up".. no that's not true, I do! I am actually the most vulnerable me I've ever been. Yet, there are still places that scare me (oh I've went there, briefly, backed away slowly, put a superficial band-aid on it got it moving on..) places I've not demonstrated enough courage. Places that I still don't know myself completely. So in that sense and if that's what it really takes, nope not showing up the best I can yet.

I'm just going to drop some quotes from this special, ones that I've struggled with and relate to.

To not have the conversation because of discomfort is the definition of privilege…Your comfort is not at the center. That’s not how this works…

When we build cultures where perfectionism is rewarded, difficult productive conversations are not possible…Bring your whole self and your whole heart to work.

It is so much easier to cause pain than feel pain. Stop working your shit out on other people. Don’t offload your hard stuff on other people

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.

I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Okay, I'm getting carried away.. BUT! This has renewed a spark. I got some advice about a year ago to just sit in the work I've done let it set in let it do its thing and honestly I needed that advice I needed to do that. But I still have more work to do. I've got that song "final countdown" in my head I do think that this particular work does come to completion. That I can only get so wholesome, and then it becomes something else entirely. This has been good for my soul and I embrace the next chapter.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 6:28 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Foreverlabeled,

I have not seen it but what you have written and the quotes, especially being brave enough to explore the darkness to discover our light, well it all has meaning for me. I have taken one of my final steps in healing myself recently. It was hard and scary but I did it anyway.

I finally had the courage to be able to say to my mom everything I needed to say. I am actually proud of how I handled myself and how I expressed my feelings. It wasn't even important to me how she responded or if she responded at all. I just knew that the only way for me to completely heal was to take this last step and then just let go of all that has been holding me back.

What is the special called, foreverlabeled? I'm going to check it out! I've read several of Brene Brown's books - she's awesome!

Lala, its called "the call to courage". Since you are familiar with her work do you have one book in particular you'd recommend I start with? Normally I would download an audible book but with this I think I'll be more happy with a hard copy, I just need to find my highlighters now.

FTR, I'm proud of you too. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and having confronted your mama of all people with the hurts she has caused you. That must've been hard no doubt. Big hugs friend. I hope it has brought you much needed peace in your life or at least its where it's taking you.

I have seen it and I highly recommend it for everyone.

Thank you, sweetie. I am going to watch it when I get home tonight!

I recommend, "I Thought it Was Me (But It Isn't)...Making the Journey from 'What Will People Think?' to 'I Am Enough'"...goes into the whole shame thing.

I have seen it and I highly recommend it for everyone.

yep! I'm even thinking I want to sit down and watch it again with my teen son, not even close to his "thing" and he will probably be bored out of his mind but if he just takes a little something away from it..

Thanks Lala! haven't even heard of that one. But just from the title I think it's what I need in my life.

Foreverlabeled, I was a reluctant Brene Brown reader/listener. I read "Braving the Wilderness" more or less as a favor to two of my friends; after I read it, I got the appeal but checked it off my list and carried on.

However, her Netflix show resonated with me on a whole new level. Her message is so important, especially for those of us who have found ourselves "in the arena" - full of self-doubt, shame, and fear. To hear your critics yet keep going, to pick yourself up time after time, to be true to who you are at your very core - that is bravery.

I asked my husband to watch it with me and I was honestly feeling like I was setting myself up for disappointment (and being irritated with him for not "getting it") but I was pleasantly surprised. I think I saw him tear up once or twice and he never does that unless he's watching football, the movie "300", or "Armageddon". I'll take it as a positive sign something sunk in.

I loved it! In fact, it inspired me to put together a class for my staff. We watched clips and discussed how it plays out in the workplace. I have read most of her books, and I read Rising Strong twice in the last year and I highly recommend that one to all that are here. So much resonated in that book that explained a lot of my whys and patterns to me.

I also always recommend Eckhardt Tolle. The Power of Now really can provide the keys to some of our healing. It made me so much more cognizant about when I am telling myself stories and what those stories are about. So much of our life is led from fear-based emotions, when you can recognize that and eliminate or minimize the fear it can be very powerful to changing who we are and how we see things.

Adding this to my watchlist. I read The Gifts of Imperfection and was astonished with how much her words resonated with me. Daring Greatly and Rising Strong are still on my to-read list.

The deeper I dig, the clearer it becomes why I've struggled so hard to be truly vulnerable with anyone. A piece of this is that cherry-picking the pieces of me I've willingly shared with others is one way I've protected my whole self from being hurt and rejected. If you don't like what I choose to share, well that's not the real me anyways. But let me go ahead and share the parts of me that I'm pretty sure you will like and survive off of those crumbs of validation. Meanwhile I'll keep my whole self safely hidden behind the walls I built as a child and reinforced over the years, yearning to be seen and loved but terrified of taking the risk, choosing to remain trapped and alone rather than risk being rejected. Still trying to find the courage to break down the walls completely.

I've watched it twice so far - once with BetterFuture13, our oldest DD and SIL, and then once again on my own so I could take notes.

Some of the quotes I really loved and/or connected with were:

"You're going to know failure if you're brave with your life"

"There are millions of cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never once step foot in the arena. They will never once put themselves out there, but they will make it a full-time job to hurl criticism, and judgment, and really hateful things toward us. And, we have got to get out of the habit of catching them, and dissecting them, and holding them close to our hearts. We gotta let them drop on the floor. Don't grab that hurtful stuff from the cheap seats and pull it close. Don't pull it anywhere near your heart. Just let it fall to the ground. You don't have to stomp it or kick it, just step over it and keep going. You can't take criticism and feedback from people who are not being brave with their own lives".

"...wholesale adoption of 'I don't give a shit what anyone thinks'. Yes, you do. You totally care. You're neurobiologically hardwired to care what people think - you have not hacked that! We care what people think. The deal is that you have to be very specific about people whose opinions of you matter. It's not that you don't give a shit about what anyone thinks- just don't give a shit about what some people think and then really solicit feedback from the people that do give you good feedback. The people who make that list are the people who love you, not despite your imperfection and vulnerability, but because of your imperfection and vulnerability! The ones that will call you out on your shit...their feedback matters".

"You show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame and fear and vulnerability, and just be with him, I'll show you a woman who's done her work and doesn't derive her status or power from that guy. You show me a guy that can sit with a woman in real shame and fear and vulnerability, and not fix anything but just listen, I'll show you a guy who's done his work, and doesn't derive his power and status from being Oz, the fixer of all things".

"To love is to be vulnerable. To give someone your heart and say 'I know this could hurt so bad but I'm willing to do it'. There is an increasing number of people in the world today that are not willing to take that risk. They'd rather never know love than to know hurt or grief, and that's a huge price to pay".

"The opposite of belonging is 'fitting in'. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating - Here's what I should say and be..."

"Belonging is belonging to yourself first. Speaking your truth. Telling your story. Never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are and that's vulnerable"

"When we lose our capacity for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. It becomes scary to let ourselves feel it".

"We get so busy chasing the extraordinary moments that we don't pay attention to the ordinary moments - the moments, that if taken away, we would miss more than anything".

"You do vulnerability knowingly, or vulnerability does you".

"Vulnerability is hard and scary and it feels dangerous, but it's not as hard, scary, or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves 'What if I would have shown up'?"

You said:

I do think that this particular work does come to completion. That I can only get so wholesome, and then it becomes something else entirely.

I disagree. We are works in progress...from the moment we are born until the moment we die. The work we do is not about becoming wholesome...it's about becoming whole.

With that I'll leave you with a quote from Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong":

"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or acceptable, but our wholeness - even our wholeheartedness - actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls".

I watched it with my WH...I should say I watched the whole thing and he watched about half and looked interested at some things and mildly bored with others.

Some of it was a bit too touchy-feely for me - but some of it resonated strongly. It was well worth the time!

doneX10, I felt the same when I watched her TED talk, the one she mentions. I don't know why but it didn't jump out at me and I was actively looking for material like that. But this hit so many spots.

Hiking, I've heard you mention that book a few times now. I have a long reading list of self help and The Power of Now is on it (I picked it up and put it down too soon). I remember thinking when Brown was talking about her vacation and "the story she was telling herself" and I know that I used to/sometimes still do believe my own story at any given moment, taking things WAY too personal because of it, without so much as considering that there could be something else going on than what I'm telling myself. All that to say while I'm waiting on my copies, I will start that in the meantime.

Flawed I hope you get the chance to watch it sooner than later. It was a real inspiration to say the least. I've struggled much like you, "choosing to remain trapped and alone rather than risk being rejected" emotional risk is scary. She touches on this too.

onlytime, those are some more brilliant quotes too. I literally could have copy and pasted the whole script here it was just that good.

But you misunderstand me, I didn't mean my work stopped completely, perhaps I could have been more accurate in what I meant. Wholesome to me is working on my well being, fine tuning my beliefs, and healing. I think you did describe what I meant when I said "it turns into something else". for now I'm just trying to get the basics down and make sure I move forward with the healthy sustainable stuff.

TISL, touchy-feely is what I am after no it may not actually be for everyone or only parts will resonate. Like you said even if it's just something/couple things it's worth the time.

I literally could have copy and pasted the whole script here  it was just that good.

Agreed!!

But you misunderstand me, I didn't mean my work stopped completely, perhaps I could have been more accurate in what I meant. Wholesome to me is working on my well being, fine tuning my beliefs, and healing. I think you did describe what I meant when I said "it turns into something else". for now I'm just trying to get the basics down and make sure I move forward with the healthy sustainable stuff.

I am a bit of a literal person, so I do misunderstand sometimes. I took wholesome to mean "good", likely as a result of the good vs bad threads of late, which is why I shared the quote about the importance of becoming "whole".

A friend recommended it. I tried to watch but only got about 10 mi utes in. It just doesnt do anything for me. I can't relate. Is it one of those shows that gets better after 30 minutes so you have to suffer through to get to the good part? If so, let me know and I'll make myself watch past the part I don't relate to.

StillLivin, 10 minutes in she didn't even get started yet. But certainly before 30 mins in. I think its worth another go at it.

StillLivin, that's my reaction to Brene Brown too.

I think she's someone who makes sense to anyone with any perfectionist inclinations.

I am not one of those. So I sort of don't understand the language she speaks. It's like she's telling people that Spain exists, and that they need not be afraid of Spain, and that there is value in going to Spain.... and here I am, living in Spain and never having known anything other than Spain.

I’m going to have to watch this. I got a great “aha” moment when I watched her TED talk. She said that the happiest people are the ones that allow themselves to be vulnerable. That didn’t mean they would never get hurt, but they put themselves out there anyway to take the risk.

That was huge for me.

Admittedly, I haven’t read any of her books. Only quotes from them. My reading time is usually devoted to SI and helping me parent my children.

This is something I’m sure I can make time for.

So, I did give it another go. I fell asleep somewhere around the 45 minute mark. Nothing she says is anything I can relate to. But that's ok. I get where she is coming from now, and there are definitely folks I know who could benefit. I'm just not one of them.

Annanew I think you hit the nail on the head and that's why it doeant do anything for me other than bore me to sleep.

Sub the word 'honesty' for ' vulnerability'

Then. Ok.