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A thread in General about defensiveness got me looking through my old notes as well as checking for any new information I could find on the topic. During my search I came across an excellent TEDTalk by Jim Tamm called "Cultivating Collaboration: Don't Be So Defensive". It's just over 15 minutes long and is really worth watching, so I thought I'd share it here.

As human beings we ALL get defensive at one time or another, and quite often we don't realize we have become defensive until it's too late.

So what is at the root of defensiveness? Here's some of what Jim Tamm has to say on that:

Becoming defensive is not about protecting ourselves from other people. We get defensive because we don’t want to feel something within ourselves, i.e. FEAR! Defensiveness is always fear based. If someone is acting defensive, you will find fear if you look deep enough.

The 3 big fears related to defensiveness are: feeling insignificant, incompetent or unlikable it is when those feelings arise that people start to act defensively so that they will not have to feel those uncomfortable feelings.

They may act out towards others, become very sleepy, intellectualize issues, trivialize with humor, go shopping, or act in dozens of other ways to avoid or suppress their fears.

Defensiveness is an unconscious response to our fears.

Individual defenses emerged from each person’s personal history. They helped people cope with the stress of growing up in a world where they had little control over their lives. A problem, however, is that defense mechanisms can assume a life of their own and unduly control adult lives without our awareness. Acting out their defenses, people may continue to behave in ways that might have been useful in their childhood but are no longer helpful as adults. When our defenses take over our adult lives, we don’t have defenses... they have us, and they cause problems because they distort our reality. They distort the lens through which we see our lives, and regardless of whether the distorted lens is rose-colored, or dark and smoky, creating a sinister outlook in every situation, it becomes a burden on any good relationship.

Defenses are difficult to change, in part, because we are not conscious that our behavior is really a defensive maneuver. Therefore, the first and most important step to reduce defensiveness is to become aware of when you get defensive. We all exhibit telltale signs of our defensiveness, and usually we are the last ones in the room to become aware that we are acting defensively. Some of us seem angry when we are defensive. Others withdraw and get quiet, or passive aggressive, or start blaming.

The easiest way to discover how you behave when you get defensive is to ask your spouse, colleagues or children, and then try not to get defensive about what they tell you. Another way is to start paying attention to how you behave when you become fearful. Look for patterns. When people have questioned whether you were getting defensive, did you tend to withdraw or did you become an attack dog? Look for signs that you act differently when you’re anxious, compared to when you are relaxed and feeling safe.

Signs of defensiveness

Use this list to identify when you are shifting from collaboration to defensiveness. Check all that apply to you. If none seem to, ask a trusted colleague or spouse. They might be able to help you see more clearly. Then circle the three signs you most often display. These are your early warning signs.

*Loss of humor

*Taking offense

*High charge or energy in the body

*Sudden drop in intelligence

*Wanting to be right (“No question about it!”)

*Wanting the last word

*Flooding with information to prove your point

*Endless explaining and rationalizing

*Playing “poor me”

*Teaching or preaching

*Rigidity (closed to other opinions)

*Denial

*Withdrawal into silence

*Cynicism

*Sarcasm

*Making fun of others

*Being critical of others

*Terminal uniqueness (“I’m so special; rules don’t apply to me”)

*Thinking or saying “It’s just my personality. It’s just how I am.”

*Not wanting to negotiate

*Blaming

*Sudden onset of illness or accident

*Confusion

*Suddenly tired or sleepy

*Intellectualizing

*Acting crazy (the temporary insane defense)

*Eccentricity

*Being too nice

*Selective deafness

*Attacking (the best defense is a good offense)

*Holding a grudge

*Trivializing with humor

*Inappropriate laughing or giggling

*Negative attitude (sour grapes)

*Defensive awareness (“I’m aware of that. Leave me alone!”)

*Addiction to alcohol, drugs, people, shopping, working, gambling, chocolate, workshops, etc.

*Personalizing everything

*All or nothing thinking

*Catastrophizing–thinking the worst of a situation

*Fast breathing/ fast heartbeat

*Cold, clammy skin

*Hot, sweaty skin

*Mind reading

*Jumping to conclusions

*Magnifying everything

*Minimizing everything

*Emotional rigidity (I feel it. It must be true)

*Tight stomach

*Speaking too fast

*Becoming physically immobile

*Obsessive thinking

Once you become aware of how you exhibit your defensiveness you can turn that knowledge into an early warning system. If I have enough self-awareness to know that I tend to get confused (or angry, or quiet and withdrawn, etc.) when I get defensive, I can take notice when I find myself behaving that way. I can then ask myself “Is it possible that I am getting defensive?” I can turn what used to be a liability into an ally, because if I recognize that I am getting defensive, I can do something about it.

Approaching your own defensiveness with a little compassion and a curious mind will head you in the right direction. One of the least effective things you can do when you notice you are feeling defensive is to beat yourself up about it. Better an attitude of “I seem to be getting defensive, I wonder what that’s about” which could allow you to conduct some emotional archeology of your underlying fear without judgment.

Actions to take when you find yourself behaving defensively:

1.Take responsibility for yourself.

Acknowledging to yourself that you are becoming defensive is a great first step. If it feels appropriate and safe, you may want to take it a step further and also acknowledge it with the people you are with. For example, saying something like “Can you go back over that again? I think I’m getting a little defensive and I may have missed your point,” acknowledges your defensiveness, both to yourself and your colleagues, and asks for their help in dealing with it. Of course it may not always be appropriate to ask for that help, but if you are dealing with people that you trust, it not only offsets the damage caused by the defensiveness, it can actually create greater intimacy and a stronger relationship.

2.Slow down.

Slowing down your physiology can help. Take a break, take a walk, go to the restroom and splash some cool water in your face, or reschedule the rest of the meeting for another time. Simply taking a couple of deep breaths without making a big deal about it to anyone else can also be a calming and centering experience.

3.Confront your negative self-talk.

Self-talk is the chatter that goes on inside your head. It is the story you are making up as you watch events unfold before your eyes. Negative chatter, e.g., “I can’t do this,” “I’m going to look like an idiot,” “I see I’m getting defensive now and I know I’m going to screw this up,” etc. will only make things worse. Confront this negative and consciously turn it positive, e.g., “I know this is difficult but I can get through this,” “I can take care of myself,” “I can still be a good listener,” etc.

4.Detach from ineffective behavior.

If you know that your pattern when you get defensive is to flood others with information, consciously let go of that behavior and try to remain quiet, or maybe ask a question. If your defensive behavior is to withdraw into silence, consciously detach from that behavior and maybe describe your feeling to the other person so they have a better idea about what is going on with you.

5.Start over.

This is a recover model, not a model of perfection. So, when your early warning signs of defensiveness tell you that you’re getting defensive, acknowledge that to yourself, take some appropriate action to minimize the damage, and then start over. Everyone gets defensive occasionally. It’s not the end of the world. You will usually be better served by letting it go and focusing on the future than by blaming yourself for your defensiveness in the past.

It is much easier for most of us to spot our defensive behavioral responses than it is to identify the underlying feelings that we don’t want to feel. Because the whole point of defensive behavior is to help us avoid feeling something we don’t want to feel, we can often recognize our defensive behavior before we are aware of the underlying feelings we are trying to avoid.

The key to our growth and breaking negative ties binding us to our past is conscious awareness.

By bringing our thoughts, feelings and behaviours into our awareness, and learning to work with them, we can decrease our defensiveness and increase our openness and our capacity for growth.

Both BetterFuture13 and I used to get incredibly defensive with each other in our relationship, and although we've improved on it immensely, and have learned to catch ourselves and work through the underlying fears, it's something we think is important to be continuously mindful of.

If you are currently struggling with defensiveness I hope you find both the TEDTalk and and information helpful.

I'd also be interested in hearing if you have any signs of defensiveness that aren't on the list above. For me, one of the best signs that I'm starting to get defensive is that I tend to sit or stand straight up and get a tightening sensation in my throat and chest.

Thank you so much for this. A lot to dig into here.

Oh what a wonderful post, thank you.

The wikipedia entry on defence mechanisms is also really good (no idea why they spell it that way but that's not a typo)

There's a section that orders them from pathological to mature. Sometimes I at least try to shift from a lower level defense to a higher level one.

These are the "mature" ones. I literally have this list on a piece of paper in my purse.

Acceptance: A person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a difficult or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Religions and psychological treatments often suggest the path of acceptance when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.

Courage: The mental ability and willingness to confront conflicts, fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, despair, obstacles, vicissitudes or intimidation. Physical courage often extends lives, while moral courage preserves the ideals of justice and fairness.

Emotional self-regulation: The ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable. Emotional self-regulation refers to the processes people use to modify the type, intensity, duration, or expression of various emotions.

Emotional self-sufficiency: Not being dependent on the validation (approval or disapproval) of others.

Forgiveness: Cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand retribution or restitution.

Gratitude: A feeling of thankfulness or appreciation involving appreciation of a wide range of people and events. Gratitude is likely to bring higher levels of happiness, and lower levels of depression and stress. Throughout history, gratitude has been given a central position in religious and philosophical theories.

Humility: A mechanism by which a person, considering their own defects, has a humble self-opinion. Humility is intelligent self-respect which keeps one from thinking too highly or too meanly of oneself.

Identification: The unconscious modelling of one's self upon another person's character and behaviour.

Mercy: Compassionate behavior on the part of those in power.

Mindfulness: Adopting an orientation (characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance) toward one's experiences in the present moment.

Moderation: The process of eliminating or lessening extremes and staying within reasonable limits. It necessitates self-restraint which is imposed by oneself on one's own feelings, desires etc.

Patience: Enduring difficult circumstances (delay, provocation, criticism, attack etc.) for some time before responding negatively.

Respect: Willingness to show consideration or appreciation. Respect can be a specific feeling of regard for the actual qualities of a person or feeling being and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem. Relationships and contacts that are built without the presence of respect are seldom long term or sustainable. The lack of respect is at the very heart of most conflict in families, communities, and nations.

Tolerance: The practice of deliberately allowing or permitting a thing of which one disapproves.

Thank you for posting this, I haven't even read it yet but I know it will be good to read. I have been forming a post in my head about defensiveness and how to combat it. I will read this now.

Thanks!

Onlytime,

I am aware that I get defensive over a couple of specific things and I usually respond back in anger. Now this is in every day life disagreements or arguments. Even knowing the root of why I respond the way I do, I still struggle with it.

I become defensive when my factual knowledge of something is challenged, dismissed or not believed. BH tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about or how wrong I am, when I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am right, that sets me off. First I get defensive and try to explain why I most definitely knew what I was talking about. Then I get angry and I will make sure to prove myself right and BH wrong.

I also get defensive and respond in anger when I feel that I'm not a priority to my BH and everything else is more important. Especially when it seems that other people's opinions and feelings matter more than mine. I used to internalize this but I have become much more vocal, I just haven't been able to do it calmly, yet.

The root of my defensiveness and anger is based in a fear of being insignificant to my BH. (Insignificant is the perfect word.) Overcoming this fear is not easy due to my FOO and my BH"s behavior over the years that told me just how insignificant I was. And now that I believe myself to be significant and worthy of it, I sometimes get even more defensive and angry.

I have had much more success with not responding defensively when I feel that I'm not a priority or important to my BH because I do now believe that I really am. I also try to voice when I feel this way instead of letting it build up but when I find out that he told his brother something very important before he told me, it's times like that where I need to do some work.

Then we have what I know is a fact, like the grass is green and I am told 10 different ways how wrong I am, since I don't know what I'm talking about, I instantly react. I can become very vocal and I rush to find the proof that I am right, he is wrong and now who doesn't know what they are talking about. If it's then followed by how the grass really isn't green, it's emerald, so whatever and why do I have get so defensive, well it makes me worse.

I struggle so much with this one because I feel if he is going to question or doubt my intelligence, then I need to defend it and show him that he is not necessarily smarter than I am, that he is not always right and I am most definitely not stupid. Logically, I know that I do not have to defend my intelligence because he does know that I am smart and in no way thinks I am stupid. This is definitely one area that I need to work on.

Onlytime,

This post hits home in so many ways as I am one to get defensive anytime i experience negative feelings that i want to shut down and i am 1,000% sure they are fear based. I know when it's happening and i deny it more than anything. My BS has called me out a million times too. She says i come off frantic, rambling and over explaining myself at 100 MPH, and cutting her off. I can feel my heart palpitating and i want to run and hide and become extremely avoidant. I repeat the same things over and over. This obviously causes my BS to become upset and she calls me out. This then makes it about me and avoids me being emotionally present with her. My defensiveness are fear based and not wanting to face myself.

Thank you for sharing and i will definitely watch the TedTalk and work to change this behavior.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 10:16 AM, May 17th (Friday)]

@sayuwontletgo

A lot to dig into here.

For sure!

And it ties in really well with developing mindfulness skills, addressing/working through shame, learning to become vulnerable, developing empathy/compassion for others and for self, not to mention increasing self-awareness!!

@Pippin

Thank you for sharing that list. I think I've seen it before, but not for a while, so I went to check it out again.

Reading through it I can see my evolution from the pathological defences (in my case, having had Borderline Personality Disorder, "splitting" was a big one), to the immature (in particular wishful thinking, idealization, and acting out). I can see a few neurotic defences that I'm still working on, including dissociation, intellectualization, and isolation as they are tied into my C-PTSD. The dissociation and intellectualization are significantly improved, but I seem to have a block with the isolation defense when it comes to my historical traumas - I simply cannot connect emotion with them anymore when I've had to discuss them, so processing that in IC.

As I go through the list of mature defenses I can see how most of my defenses these days fall into that category, which is pretty good considering where I was mentally just three years ago. Certainly the biggest one for me, and the one that family and friends have noticed the most, has been my ability to regulate my emotions now. That has been significant, and definitely ties in to the current topic of defensiveness.

Full disclosure, since I don't have my story in my profile anymore, I came here as a BS in 2014. I have not been a WS since 1998, however, I didn't really do the work on myself back then (I've done IC for decades, but it was generally focused on getting through multiple crises, because I had undiagnosed and unaddressed major mental health issues). While I was healing from being a BS, and after getting my diagnoses, I knew I needed to really start addressing everything - ALL ASPECTS OF MYSELF. So, for over three years now, I have been working on integrating all parts of myself to become whole and increasing my self-awareness through constant introspection, reading, and reflection. It's been a long, tough journey. There were feelings of self-pity and hopelessness in the beginning. Frustration at not "getting" certain concepts, such as mindfulness.

I was so defensive at the beginning of this journey. Overcome with shame and self-loathing that I took everything personally - as an attack. Not having mature defense mechanisms kept me from being skillful enough to recognize when I was getting defensive or stop that defensive ball once it got rolling.

So thank you for adding the list of mature defenses to this thread, I think it's an important addition to the topic.

@MySunandStars

I hope you found it helpful, and I also hope you'll consider sharing some of your thoughts when you get a chance.

@Followtheriver

I become defensive when my factual knowledge of something is challenged, dismissed or not believed. BH tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about or how wrong I am, when I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am right, that sets me off. First I get defensive and try to explain why I most definitely knew what I was talking about. Then I get angry and I will make sure to prove myself right and BH wrong.

I struggle so much with this one because I feel if he is going to question or doubt my intelligence, then I need to defend it and show him that he is not necessarily smarter than I am, that he is not always right and I am most definitely not stupid. Logically, I know that I do not have to defend my intelligence because he does know that I am smart and in no way thinks I am stupid. This is definitely one area that I need to work on.

A few questions...

Do you feel your self-worth is based primarily on your intelligence? Could that be why you get defensive and angered when it is challenged or dismissed?

Why do you think you feel compelled to prove him "wrong"? Why do you think you need to prove to him that you are "right"? If you fear feeling insignificant to your BH, does this "need to be right" and "prove him wrong" help you or hurt you? Does it increase or decrease that fear? Do you feel it's possible that you can each view something differently, but still both be right?

Is there some competitiveness or other dynamic between the two of you that contributes to this?

@ChanceAtLife35

I am one to get defensive anytime i experience negative feelings that i want to shut down and i am 1,000% sure they are fear based.

What scares you about experiencing negative feelings? What do you think would happen if you faced them rather than shut them down?

I know when it's happening and i deny it more than anything. My BS has called me out a million times too. She says i come off frantic, rambling and over explaining myself at 100 MPH, and cutting her off. I can feel my heart palpitating and i want to run and hide and become extremely avoidant. I repeat the same things over and over.

It sounds like you've got some clear signs to work with:

Denying

Being frantic

Rambling/overexplaining

Heart racing/palpitations

Feeling the urge to run and avoid

What do you think would happen if you started really paying attention for these things - being mindful and aware - do you think you'd be able to catch yourself doing them and put the brakes on the defensiveness, or at least take a pause and give yourself time to think through your response?

This obviously causes my BS to become upset and she calls me out. This then makes it about me and avoids me being emotionally present with her.

And this is this exact opposite of what you want to do in those moments I'm guessing?

My defensiveness are fear based and not wanting to face myself.

Why does facing yourself feel so scary? What are the biggest fears you have about facing yourself? What do you think is going to happen if you don't learn to face yourself and let go of the defensiveness?

Did you get a chance to watch the video yet? Did you get anything helpful out of it?

Bumping for ugca36

Onlytime THANK YOU! I appreciate you bringing this one up for me to read over.

[This message edited by ugca36 at 12:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Bumping for axj131