SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are not too pushy. I’m too soft.

I would never try to get back at my ex emotionally.

Financially - yes, I will use our binding agreement for its correct purpose. I’m still the one who pays much more of course . But financially , I have got the much longer breath.

And asking her to give me back $150 per month hits her right where it hurts. She gets a massive payout from me, but if she uses it to buy a house, she will still have to work full time to pay off a mortgage and maintain the house .

She doesn’t like to work full time.

My lawyer predicts she will be in a new relationship very soon- but he said, she will be hard pressed to find someone as generous as I was . ( generous as in “stupid “)

But emotionally - she has put a few daggers through my heart when she talked to me about her unprotected tinder hook up.

I will never lower myself to her level .

I just hope she finds a new relationship who can deal with all this narcissistic crap.

I pity the guy .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:25 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Hey ATG

Glad you have someone who you can have a coffee and dinner with. More importantly you can have an adult conversation (unlike with your STBX) and as doctors I am sure you have a lot of mutual interests that you can talk about.

You are now less than 2 months from divorce, you have a binding agreement which your STBX has shown no signs of challenging, so I think you are in a strong position to invoke the conditions of the agreement to ask her to honour that agreement and if that means some monetary recompense so be it.

I thought it but didn't say it that your STBX would probably move into a new relationship sooner than later as she will want to retain the lifestyle you had provided her. If she does enter into a new relationship does this affect the spousal payments to her as in some agreements spousal payments are reduced or terminated when the ex wife re-partners.

Enjoy the time with your new female friend. Hospitals are dens of gossip so I am pretty sure that you seeing someone will get back to your STBX. Enjoy the companionship and the conversations.

My maintenance payments won’t be affected by any new relationship ; I have agreed to a much higher than required payment over the next two years- her lifestyle won’t suffer.

This staged payout however allowed me to keep my house, so I’m not complaining .

My question is - will there be anyone as stupid as I was .

The answer is probably , she is good looking and can play nice .

ATG you were never stupid you were just blind and wore rose coloured glasses to many of her behaviours. Not that uncommon when we give someone our love and devotion. Her true narcissistic and selfish nature was always there she just chose her own time to reveal it. In her mind she thought you would not be the one to walk away from the relationship and file for divorce. Her game plan was to have Ace (or others) on the side and you perpetuating her lifestyle. In her mind she was too good a trophy for you to give up but that all came unstuck when you kicked her out and initiated divorce proceedings.

You are not stupid ..who was the one that got out of infidelity and now looks forward to a new and exciting life..ATG.

As you say when she does re-partner send him your condolences!

If your XWW does find someone who will be willing to put up with her, then I have a suggestion for you. Do what this lady did. My wife's best friend was married to a very selfish, conniving, and cheating piece of work. He had already been married and divorced once because of his unscrupulous ways. When my wife's friend announced that they were getting married, his first wife send my wife's friend a sympathy card, that expressed her heartfelt thoughts and her deepest sympathy. Needless to say my wife's friend eventually, after too many years, dropped him also. I do wish you well.

When I picked up the kids , I asked my ex to hurry her lawyer along. It’s 2 months since mediation and her lawyer still hasn’t submitted important documents to court.

This cost me money , as the whole unreasonable delay has cost me money.

She fires back - money and control is all I care about.

I suggest not paying her and to wait until she chases me with her lawyer to see how much she cares .

I also pointed out how generous I always have been- paying for her parent’s holidays and things like that. She knows that I otherwise don’t care about expensive things and that I’m happiest when going camping.

No further answer.

The kids then told me that she takes them to fortnightly school meetings - she is on the parents board - where they sit in the meeting room until 9 pm. They were exhausted yesterday .

I asked her to book a child minder ; 9 pm is too late for a 5 year old - and she knows that.

That was via email and I didn’t get an answer . She couldn’t defend something so obviously wrong.

Most beautiful coincidence this morning , after such correspondence : she is next to me at a red traffic light .

I beep the horn, smile and wave .

She stares forward .

Your learning ATG. Put everything into email form. Create a trail that you may have to use at a later time if your XWW goes off the deep end as the saying goes. Having young kids out til 9:00 on a continued basis will look good in court papers if you need to drag her back to court one day.

Love that you smiled and waved to her. It shows that she isnt enjoying life now that she has to play adult now. Continue your healing my friend. Life is too short to let someone get so invested in your mind.

Narc behaviour

- an email “ our son needs cardboard for a school project - would you like me to buy it?”

“ no thank you “

Second email “ I’m sorry I cost you so much money “

No answer

What the f... is going on in that stupid brain.

Sadly I know - she thinks if she plays nice, then I will turn into the nice chump again, she is used to.

ATG

By now you should realise that you will never understand what goes on in her head. Her emails are only there to goad you into getting so pissed off you send a sarcastic response. Then she can tell everyone "I was just asking a simple question and this is how he responds".

As the members keep saying no response is the best response. If it is about the kids yes or no answers only wherever possible.

Interesting news:

My accountant has found a way to make a large chunk of my payout to her tax deductible .

I don’t understand it tbh, but he has walked me through and it’s legal

Hey ATG

If your accountant can pull that one off you owe him a gourmet dinner a one of Brisbane's swankiest restaurants

I know - but it’s all legal.

Essentially - there is equity in the house which was used to determine the level of payout she receives.

As I’m not selling the house, a cash payment from the trust to me as a private person can be a tax deductible loan if it goes straight into my lawyers trust fund.

I’m not pretending to understand it - but it’s a good outcome .

It’s interesting how I have found a new community .

The kids and I had dinner with another single dad and his kids.

The restaurant was next to a big public place, the kids could run around whilst we had a beer and a chat.

At kid’s sport I have found the parents I’m having a coffee with whilst the children exercise .

And tonight , dinner with yet another single dad and his children.

I didn’t know any of there people 2 years ago.

But now I have a “single dad network “ . We support each other and socialise .

Life goes on - and it improves ...

The woman I had a couple of dates with told me that I’m too old for her . There you have it. I was upset for a moment, as we seemed to get on genuinely well.

But I think that’s easier to say for the one who is older - she wants babies and a white wedding soon. And I’m certainly not in a rush....

My ex changed her tone quite a bit in a couple of emails.

( all about the kids ) lots of “ please “ and “ thank you “

She couldn’t possibly continue the manners she used prior to that , so this is ok.

We talked about after school arrangements next year. She will use the after school care of the school the kids are going to ; I will continue to use the nanny, I’m paying. But I need the flexibility and certainty. My ex will just work part time . With the child maintenance payments I’m making , that is an option.

Doesn’t really sound like she wants to get ahead in her career, but that’s her choice of cause. However , our son got accepted at a private high school, for year 5 entry.

So she could work weekends and nights when she doesn’t have the kids to save for her contributions - but for someone like her , that would never cross her mind.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:54 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

ATG, you and your XW seem to be trying to plan for the fu6of your kids. I hope you have in your D decree all cost break downs of expenses as the children get older. Who will pay for braces, school sports equipment, after school activities, kids first cars, etc. You know very well that she will try to manipulate you I to paying for everything. And she will paint you as the bad guy regardless. Look through your agreement. Each and every time she asks for you to pay for something that you dont have to, use the greyrock saying we have been telling to to learn. Like I see things differently. Then drop it. Do not engage with her her. It will only fuel her obsession with painting herself as the victim and you as the bad guy.

Less is more. There is no need to discuss things that are years away. You can plan things, write them down. When the times are appropriate, then you bring them up with your XW.

Our divorce settlement is very specific on all those things you mentioned .

She tried to wiggle out of some of the conditions but I pointed her towards her signature on a legally binding agreement.

The reason why I had to talk to her about the private school was the fee, we have to pay to hold his spot.

Otherwise I don’t engage.

Handover this morning took less than a minute ; I gave her a couple of documents to sign and was out of there.

I also purposefully sent her the private school paperwork ,late on a Sunday evening. I didn’t want emails with her over the weekend.

No, by now I have got this sorted.

Our agreement about me picking up 80% of school costs lasts until year 5 - and then we renegotiate .

Glad to see your learning how to deal with your XW. Sending her the papers late so you didnt have to deal with emails. This is how you are going to have to handle her. You know she is going to take every opportunity to weasel out of things and blame you. Keep moving forward my friend. And use your new support group of dads to bounce ideas off and stuff.

(Tongue in cheek) check with your a Accountant. Perhaps the school fees are tax deductable as well.☺

On a more serious note, December is fast approaching. Do you have a plan yet.

And don't worry about that last date lady.. she was right..your more advanced on all levels than her. Enjoy.

Maybe I can make him a trustee in the family trust ??

Just kidding.

December - the kids will be with my ex over Christmas.

I hope she is taking them to Perth on the West Coast , where her family is. The reason why I would like this to happen is : she is part of a big family , lots of cousins and family gatherings. Last year we tried to do something together and it was awful.

I rather have the kids at a big family gathering, missing me for the holidays . They will spend two weeks after Christmas with me, we are flying to Bali ( kids loved it there last year, and I want to experience it in a more relaxed mindset . I was a mess last year )

But I made one big mistake - I told my ex to let me know if she flies to Perth or stays in Brisbane .

Obviously if she stays in Brisbane , I will see the kids over Christmas .

If she takes them to Perth I will work as a Locum doctor somewhere over Xmas . That is very well remunerated over the public holidays and my ex knows that .

So she has that little bit of power over me, booking the Locum job or not, dependent on what she says

And so with Xmas only 2 months away, she says she doesn’t know yet what she does .

It was a beginner’s mistake, dealing with a narcissist.

That’s all good . If I end up in Brisbane then I have a good network and a 24/7 gym membership .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:09 AM, October 21st (Monday)]