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I find myself to be constantly struggling with wayward thinking even when I see how it effects my BH and I see how much it adds to his hurt. It takes me too long to overcome the ability to accept my weakness and not spend so much energy trying to prove to be right and strong. It’s not hard for me to be honest with him but I find myself having more difficulty being honest with myself. I’m so scared of rejection. I’m so scared to be wrong. I’m so scared that we won’t be able to come back from this and that’s ALL on me. The first thing that happens is my defenses go up. I’m still having tremendous difficulty controlling these instincts, but I am having an easier time recognizing them and seeing them for what they are. I guess that’s some form of progress.

I struggled with these fears too. Fear-based thinking is the enemy here though. When we fear things we:

-Struggle to be authentic because we fear an outcome. We are still trying to "be" who someone wants rather than who we are. The goal is to set goals about who you want to be and align your behavior with that.

-Shame is evident when we are trying to be perfect. Guess what? Our spouses don't want perfect. They want reliable. That's mostly it. Be reliable.

The biggest leaps I made in my relationship with my husband were after I decided to stop wallowing in shame and truly come up with plans to strengthen my self-worth. That is not an easy thing to do, and it's a long project, but here are some things I did that helped:

-I found my whys and started to fix them. Questioned my motivations of my affair, and then post affair behavior. Made a list. Prioritized it and worked on changing behaviors. (this is important because we can't feel good about ourselves unless our behavior is good)

-Worked in IC to heal my FOO issues.

A lot of shame and self worth issues originate in our youth.

-Made other goals and stuck to them. Exercise was one of them, I know I say that enough to get eyerolls, but for me feeling good about myself, and increasing the endorphins to ward off depression was a game changer for me.

-Experimented with different hobbies until I found a few I liked. Including bridging some things as to what my H and I liked to do together as well as separately. Doing something you really enjoy and carving out that time to really let your mind focus on just that helps with everything from mindfulness to feeling in tune and in touch with ourselves, to feeling proud of what we accomplish during that time. To me, some of the things I enjoy are meditations because of the focus.

I think many waywards come here and say what you do. But, we can't be afraid to start, we just have to start. When we do, the path becomes clearer by taking it. If we just stand and look at it the path will continue to look like an unknown.

The more you connect with yourself, the more you can connect with your spouse. The more you can get authentic with yourself, the more you can be truthful to others. The main problem you have (and most of us waywards have) is our relationship with ourself.

This seems counterintuitive because there is so much damage and work we also need to do to help our spouses. But, it's the oxygen mask thing - you have to put yours on so you can help others. It's an important step most of us skip because our inclination is to stop the bleeding. When I started on this path though, I noticed tremendous differences and improvements to our relationship. You have to be the woman worthy of yourself and of him, and you will see it makes a world of change to your interactions, how you conduct yourself, etc.

The more you connect with yourself, the more you can connect with your spouse. The more you can get authentic with yourself, the more you can be truthful to others. The main problem you have (and most of us waywards have) is our relationship with ourself.

I went to my first IC session. Ever. I don’t really know what to think but all I know is that I was able to be open and tell a stranger all these terrible details straight out. It took a lot of mental preparation beforehand but I knew she wouldn’t be able to help without as many facts as possible.

She asked me a few questions that I didn’t have immediate answers to and I still need to give them a lot of thought. I’m trying to be hopeful that this will work out. For my sake and more so for my BH.

Every day since dday I feel so much love for my husband. I don’t think I’ve realized how much I really do love him. I know I’ve been horrible at showing it. The last thing that I want is for him to question my love for him. I know I need to put more effort into making sure he doesn’t doubt it for a second.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 11:37 AM, May 30th, 2019 (Thursday)]

I’ve been having a hard time posting about the NC I recently did with someone who was one of my oldest and I thought one of my closest friends. I’m still having a hard time posting about it. When my BH first said I had to go NC with her I began to fight him on it. I didn’t see what he was talking about but then again when it came to this particular friend I never did. I initially agreed to go NC for the time being bc I saw it was something that he needed from me.

After sending a WhatsApp message to this friend we saw that she tried responding immediately for a few hours after she got it but she never ended up responding. Over the next two days BH asked several times if this friend had reached out in any way and if I had heard anything from her yet. I hadn’t. I asked BH to stop asking me for the time being. He asked when would I deem it ok for I’m to ask again without upsetting me. I said I would like to be fair and give her two weeks to respond. I didn’t do this to control the situation. The reason I asked this of BH was bc every time he asked it made me immediately upset with him first before allowing me to direct my anger where it was truly intended for my friend. Almost a week after sending the NC letter I approached BH and told him I was hurt and upset that she hadn’t responded at all. I’m the time that BH didn’t interfere, I was able to step back and see all that BH was talking about. I could see that she was never a true friend of the M and how her involvement in my life became toxic to my relationship with BH.

I don’t doubt that I did the right thing. I know why NC with this friend is crucial for working on my M. I know this had to be done and everyday I see more reasons as to why. But I’m still mourning the loss of a very long friendship and now I can see why BH considers her to be a “platonic AP.”

Speaking with my IC We raised some questions that I can’t answer yet. She asked who was it that betrayed my trust. Who or what was it that made me hurt or lose so badly that I hardened myself like this and needed to find copious defense mechanisms to make sure that can’t happen. Why can’t I open myself up completely and make myself vulnerable? Why is my fear of rejection, pain, loss, hurt and losing control so large and deep? Why can’t I truly love myself- and not in the self- preservation, self- absorbed and manipulative way that I had until now? These are not going to be easy answers to find.

The other night BH asked me a question. He wanted to know what I was doing with the naughty pics he has sent me since dday. I told him I had them in my WhatsApp media album. I hadn’t deleted them but I hadn’t done anything else with them either. This upset him tremendously because in the past I had saved the pictures into my album or even onto a secret photo app to go back and look at as needed.

I totally understood why this upset him. My not saving the pics in a place I could go back and look at said to him that I didn’t care. That his pics meant less to me. That I was as attracted to him or interested in him. He didn’t do what these other guys had done for me in the past. He was inferior and less than again. I was upset myself wondering why I hadn’t done anything with the pics. I knew that there was no excuse and there was nothing he wanted to hear about it...but I had to keep asking myself why. It wasn’t easy for me to apologize for this either because I was so upset I hadn’t taken that first step.

Was it because unlike the other pics from guys I didn’t see frequently and I felt that since I saw my H all day every day the pics weren’t as special? Is it because I have a hard time compartmentalizing when it comes to my BH and it’s hard to separate the part of me that wants to be a model wife and mother with a sex kitten and slut I used to be?

As much as I try everyday, it feels like there is always something else I can’t get right. I guess another upsetting fact is why is the trying so new? I should have been trying and doing all along. I’m trying not to let pitfalls like this get me down and stop my efforts like they used to.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 12:43 PM, June 2nd, 2019 (Sunday)]

Dday 3...

BH has been questioning a date back in the August we were engaged. I tried looking back and thinking back to that day but nothing came to me and I insisted nothing happened. BH kept coming back to it because it was one of the two times during our engagement that I googled and searched for AP’s home address. The first time was what turned out to be dday 2 when I slept with AP and had a pregnancy scare that I couldn’t remember details about until BH jogged my memory enough. I still couldn’t remember anything very out of the ordinary about the second time I googled the address so I denied both to myself and BH that it was of any significance.

If there has been anything consistent throughout this whole discovery period it’s that BH’s gut has been on point when he felt something was suspicious or off. Today he spent more time trying to figure the google activity of that date in August. He showed me how based on all of the locations and the timing I was remembering something wrong. I was sure I had gone to a Walmart 5 min from AP’s house w two friends and that’s how I was so sure I didn’t see AP if I was with them. Now it looks like I drove separately and met them there although I don’t particularly remember that detail I can’t deny the facts.

Here is the only thing I’m sure of... I went to see AP that night. I was there for an hour. I had one small memory fragment that I hadn’t been able to fit in until now and I played it off to being a dream or not real. I can account for 2 times being in AP’s home prior to meeting BH and going straight to his man cave. I was able to remember having sex in their bedroom when I was engaged to my husband after enough pushing. Now the only time I couldn’t account for is that I had a vague memory of watching most of World War Z in his living room. I know in my gut that this was that time. I don’t know why I blocked this time out so much. I also know that I didn’t have sex this time- I never had sex with AP again after the pregnancy scare that was just two weeks prior to this date. I don’t remember any sexual activity. I’m sure we hugged and kissed and cuddled but for the life of me right now I don’t remember anything else.

This was a betrayal in so many ways even if there was no sex. First of all, it wasn’t just any movie. My BH loves horror and zombies and I never would have or have watched a movie like this with him. I know this adds more

Insult to injury.

Needless to say BH doesn’t believe that nothing else happened. He has no reason whatsoever to trust me. None. I wouldn’t trust myself at this point. I said I would take a polygraph or do hypnotism- anything that would help.

I wish I could explain my mindset for this affair. It’s so complicated. While I was preparing for marriage and starting a life with BH I ruined every part of that foundation. I destroyed every memory and event from that time. I keep destroying my BH with all of this trickle truth. I wish nothing more than having it all there to put on the table. I know he can’t believe what I tell him. I don’t know what else to do right now.

Idea: Either teach yourself or ask your husband to teach you his research methods, so that YOU can uncover clues and details on your own. Since he's putting forth the effort and then supplying you with fragmented pieces to pull together, the effort is all his.

Whereas if you can initiate, drive the memory recall, and piece together truth's on your own, then you may earn reconciliation bonus points on sincerity and effort alone. And should you recall facts from these efforts, the rediscoveries may be less painful and impactful on the reconciliation. Long way of saying, if u mirror his efforts he may feel a little better about things.

Change4thebetter...

Sigh...

I guess I want to believe you,

...

Sounds like your husband use to as well.

Unfortunately, Shake my Head,

First, there was Dr. Phill, then the Jerry Springer Show, then, way too many wayward and betrayed spouse threads.

Usually,

Been fooled lots of times now, guess I want to believe the best about people...

Waywards Lie...

I know, I am one as well.

As much as I truly want to believe you and your version of events,

Waywards minimize...

I know, I am one.

Perhaps you are telling the whole truth...

I .... want to believe your version...

Historically,...

The percentages just don't really add up in your favor....

Too many times... one, two, 5, 7, years after this point...

The wayward confesses...

In hope's to develope an authentic relationship based on truth,

To be known and loved for who you are,

With all of your flaws...

Including....this part of your past,

You might be currently, too afraid to deal with in an honest fashion with yourself and your betrayed spouse, for fear of the consequences.

There is a type out there...

Unfortunately,

You are fitting the pattern too well...

At some point in your life, you will probably want to be loved for who you are... as you are, with your flaws...

At some point...

The price... too keep secrets is too high...

Live an authentic life...

Otherwise, eventually, the price your spouse ends up paying is too high...

I could be way off,

If I am, I am sorry.

I really hope that I am, on many levels...

It sounds like your betrayed spouse is starting to question just how faulty your memory really is...

I know I am... I also know I don't count...

But,...

Unfortunately,

All know, what ever is posted here, is a public venue....

If my spouse or children ever come across this.... is still part of the equation of what may eventually see the final return key stroke.

It sounds like your betrayed spouse is starting to question just how faulty your memory really is...

BH understands my memory. He doesn’t doubt that I’ve been hiding this information from him while sitting back and waiting for him to find it.

Whereas if you can initiate, drive the memory recall, and piece together truth's on your own, then you may earn reconciliation bonus points on sincerity and effort alone. And should you recall facts from these efforts, the rediscoveries may be less painful and impactful on the reconciliation. Long way of saying, if u mirror his efforts he may feel a little better about things.

It hasn’t been my lack of trying I do this. I’ve looked at the same date multiple times but he’s always able to take it to the next level and find things I wasn’t able to. I haven’t looked ahead and covered anything up. I’m not deleting anything and I’m trying to search the way that he does but he’s just so much better at it.

This has been one of the hardest parts of the trickle truth. His gut ALWAYS told him there was more. I didn’t deny based on hiding the truth or wishful thinking. I gave all information readily as soon as it came back to me...but unfortunately for us I have not been able to jog my own memory the way that he has.

Double post

[This message edited by Jorge at 7:53 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Hi Change4.

I stepped away from your thread a while ago because it threw me into a bit of a personal crisis. I found it hard to believe that you could really have forgotten such key facts about your A. I felt like you were crying wolf, and that made me feel both angry and threatened, because it could undermine my own honest assertion that I don't remember parts of my A. I also was gaslighted by the OM in my A, and man, did VioletElle's comment (since retracted by her, which I appreciated) trigger me in ways I did not expect. So I figured, well, clearly this isn't the thread for me, and I didn't plan to check back in.

But you stayed on my mind. I know what it's like, as I once posted on an earlier thread, to not be able to trust your own brain. I kept turning your story over in my head, debating its plausibility and the implications if you were telling the truth. And finally, I did some research.

I suggest that you and SaddestDad read up and discuss the possibility that you have dissociative amnesia disorder. If so, you would have a far more severe case of trauma-based memory loss than a garden variety WS would experience. Here's some of what I found.

Dissociative amnesia occurs when a person blocks out certain information, usually associated with a stressful or traumatic event, leaving him or her unable to remember important personal information. With this disorder, the degree of memory loss goes beyond normal forgetfulness and includes gaps in memory for long periods of time or of memories involving the traumatic event.

The amnesia appears to be caused by traumatic or stressful experiences endured or witnessed (eg, physical or sexual abuse, rape, combat, genocide, natural disasters, death of a loved one, serious financial troubles) or by tremendous internal conflict (eg, turmoil over guilt-ridden impulses or actions, apparently unresolvable interpersonal difficulties, criminal behaviors).

Localized amnesia involves being unable to recall a specific event or events or a specific period of time; these gaps in memory are usually related to trauma or stress. The amnesia may not manifest for hours, days, or longer after the traumatic period. Usually, the forgotten time period, which can range from minutes to decades, is clearly demarcated. Typically, patients experience one or more episodes of memory loss.

Selective amnesia involves forgetting only some of the events during a certain period of time or only part of a traumatic event. Patients may have both localized and selective amnesia.

In systematized amnesia, patients forget information in a specific category, such as all information about a particular person or about their family.

In continuous amnesia, patients forget each new event as it occurs.

Dissociative fugue is an uncommon phenomenon that sometimes occurs in dissociative amnesia. It often manifests as sudden, unexpected, purposeful travel away from home or bewildered wandering. A fugue may last from hours to months, occasionally longer. If the fugue is brief, they may appear simply to have missed some work or come home late.

Many fugues appear to represent disguised wish fulfillment or the only permissible way to escape from severe distress or embarrassment, especially for people with a rigid conscience.

Most patients are partly or completely unaware that they have gaps in their memory. They become aware only when personal identity is lost or when circumstances make them aware—eg, when others tell them or ask them about events they cannot remember.

I think this is something that merits contacting a psychiatrist for evaluation.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:00 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]