SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We weren’t physical from that point on but that’s irrelevant because we did make plans to meet on several occasions the first year we were married although I always chickened out. BH wants the timeline done from the beginning of my interactions with AP but I’ve been avoiding it. It brings me to such a dark place in my life and I’ve spent so many years trying to bury the memories of the physical relationship we had before I met BH.

I have to get it done but my fear is taking over. I’m not scared that I’m going to become that person again but I’m scared that I won’t be able to live with myself and those memories. I don’t want them in my head. I don’t want them interfering with our future. BH needs that information and I’m petrified to go there.

You posted this from 2 months ago and it was amazingly prophetic. Is it possible additional fears remain, waiting to be discovered? If so, you have to find them before your husband does. He's shown to be amazingly resourceful with unearthing evidence and piecing it together. Whatever it takes, hypnotist, ...... whatever.

The benefit of it coming from you and not from him may be the difference between a future with him or not. He's hurt, yet strill, pro reconciliation. Everyone has a pain threshold, and I'd have to imagine he's approaching his breaking point.

((change))

My greatest fear in all of this was the truth. We have to face our fears. There is no getting around the truth and becoming healthy otherwise.

I don't consider myself wise, in fact I think I have very little figured out. But as long as I bank on truth and honesty I know I'll find my way. You will too.

I'm happy you two have decided that IC can't wait, two months can be a long time for major hurts to continue because of a lack of everything on your part. Jorge is right people have that threshold and it's being pushed to the max.

This shit is new and scary, we don't always know how to go about a situation like this. Familiar vs Unknown.. familiarity wins usually, but this isn't a usual case. What is so bad about being scared? You can handle being scared, you've been there and done that before, that's life. Have you not conquered fears before, was it not worth it? I can't think of anything more important than conquering any fears you have now. How much more worth and gratification you could gain.

Choose between an act of convenience and an act of conviction. It is that choice that defines your happiness. There is no denying that sometimes choosing to own up to our own weakness, badness, selfishness, or evil is tough to do, but it's the only way finally to get control and some peace of mind.

Sometimes we cater to comfort because we are unwilling to tolerate the discomfort. But we sacrifice our integrity, you have to be willing to tolerate your own pain and those who we hurt. Sometimes we desperately try to avoid hurt, but with that mindset hurt is all we ever feel.

eta, apparently I can't type tonight

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 7:11 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Now we're supposed to believe he's fabricating Google searches and pharmacy receipts in an attempt to gaslight her?

I just read that she believed she didn't do anything, but that he wouldn't accept that. Then he did some detective work and turned up old google searches and receipts. She still didn't remember doing anything but was willing to admit that she did. Obviously there is a lot more to the story than that, but that's what was said here.

Reading the subsequent posts, I take back my gaslighting hypothesis.

Choose between an act of convenience and an act of conviction. It is that choice that defines your happiness. There is no denying that sometimes choosing to own up to our own weakness, badness, selfishness, or evil is tough to do, but it's the only way finally to get control and some peace of mind.

I know I’ve chosen the act of conviction. If I was the same person that I was 5 years ago I would not have had the strength to face this head on and be here for my BH whom I love. His pain rips through me and it breaks me to know that I caused it all and I can never undo it. I have to face my actions, bear the consequences and now do REALLY HARD work that I would have run the other way from. D would have been mildly embarrassing but if I had no love or humanity I would have seen this as an easy way out- I’m young, I already have kids, I have time to possibly have some more and I can go on and find another guy to lie to. I broke my husband, I obliterated the foundation of our relationship and I would choose no one else I would rather rebuild with...and I’m gracious and blessed as anything that even through his rightful pain and anger he still loves me and wants to R.

The fact that you are using 99.9% that .1% needs your ownership. Are you still not sure about it? Or am I reading it wrong?

This is a very good point. We said this before some actual memories came back this morning. I need to own it and say this happened 100%. The .1% was reserved until I actually conjured up the memory.

can you explain further what is meant by "minor" As?

The case in point that we primarily discuss- the 5 year A that resulted in a PA and LTEA once we were married is the A we are almost always referring to on SI. The “minor A’s” was 1) a month into dating my BH I was laid off from work on my bday. I contacted a “friend” and we met up as friends to drink. We went to a bar for a few hours and talked. We didn’t touch..I never even hugged him but at a time when I was down and needed a pick me up, instead of calling the guy I was dating and already planning to marry, I chose to get some pick me up from a guy I had once been FWB with. Even though the last time anything happened with this guy physically was over 2 years before that our entire “friendship” was sexting and him trying to get in my pants...I just ignored it and laughed him off bc I wasn’t interested in him that way anymore. The 2nd minor A he refers to was after we were married another of the MM I had messed around with when I was single continued to text me- his texts consisted of asking to meet up like old times and talking about my looks etc. Instead of telling him to stop and blocking him I would respond to those come ons with smiley faces, LOL’s and saying things like “yeah, good times.” Both of those instances were wrong. They were inappropriate and they hurt my BH...but compared to A #1 we don’t really focus on those.

I blocked things out but mostly things related to my childhood abuse. I know I still have some things blocked. Movies and tv shows sometimes trigger memories for me. Last time that happened was watching OA ... seeing the girl caged brought up a lot in me.

I was never caged but I felt very trapped.

Blocking memories happens for me when I'm in too much pain to process them. They rise after I'm in a safe place.

When do yours rise? What triggers them to erupt?

Reconciliation (rebuilding) begins when the WS demonstrates that he or she is willing and able to own and fix their shit. There is no point in trying to rebuild a relationship with a spouse (partner) who is still broken and unsafe..

Is he helping you to heal? Is he taking responsibility for his own choices, actions and behaviors? Is he actively seeking out help, on his own, to address the issues that have most likely been tripping him up most of his life (the same ones that lead him down Infidelity Lane). Is he wiling and able to change from cheater to safe partner?

This was something that I saw in the reconciliation section in the thread that asked about how to rebuild. I read this, I’m trying to internalize it but I know that the answer is a resounding yes. I have been far from perfect in the process. In fact, I’ve backslid, minimized, trickle truthed, continued to lie and become incredibly defensive at times. I’ve continued to hurt my BH throughly even since dday and now again with a dday #2. I’ve also been able to acknowledge those actions at those times, step back, apologize and work not to do that again.

At the same time, I’ve been told to step back, slow down and remember that I’m human and these changes will not happen overnight especially when they are so deeply ingrained. Yet at the end of the day I am able to look into my heart and look at my BH and know that I truly love him and I actively have to work not to run away when he needs me the most, when it’s hard for me and I’m so far out of my comfort zone. When I’m scared as shit and it would be oh so much easier to not see the angst that I caused. I’m in pain by the hurt I caused, I’m wracked with guilt, I’m afraid, I’m not in control, I’m shamed and I’m in shock- but I still stay close and do whatever I can to be there and present for my BH even if there is no “right thing to do” or eat to fix and make better.

I’m here and I’m ready to own my shit- but I never knew just how hard that would be. I never imagined or saw myself as the type of person who could do this. Who could have done what I’ve done, pained someone I’ve professed to love and do such evil and cruel things in my life yet still be able to sleep at night- what does that really say about me?? These are answers I don’t have yet but I am ready to bear down and break down walls to discover the why’s behind the ugliness.

I have a lot more to say but I will need to come back and post more later.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 12:14 PM, May 22nd, 2019 (Wednesday)]

I have been able to remember more over the past two days and no matter how much I knew that he NEEDED to hear those memories- no matter how painful they would be - it was still hard to overcome my first thought of “I could protect him from further pain if I just don’t tell him.” Of course I knew better, but I can’t lie and ignore that overcoming that instinct was much harder than I expected.

I went to my parents house today and told them both more details and disclosed what I had done and that I did in fact have a physical affair. While talking with BH today I was able to remember more of the details about the physical affair while engaged as well as having had a physical affair while we were dating and one that almost happened a week later on the day that I went to his family’s house for the first time and we went to a neighbor to look at rings. Again, I question what I was thinking and how I was doing this at the time. There was a lot of compartmentalizing that I don’t fully understand how I was able to do this.

Tonight I wrote a NC message, showed it to BH and sent it to my friend who did not seem to be 100% on board with my husband and gave advice that we both felt was in poor taste.

Great job. Some thoughts for you to think about as to where your husband's head might be. So, if I'm your husband, I'm thinking ..............

1) A couple more 'hookups' might still be out there. Has to be. She's afraid to tell me, but that's the dilemma she's placed herself in. Does she have courage to do it? We can't move forward without everything being placed on the table.

2) I hope she understands withholding or lying is probably more destructive than what's actually being lied about or withheld. It's the old adage where the cover up is worse than the crime. Does she fully understand this or does the fear of further revelations have her paralyzed in fear?

3) My gut says there's more, but why is this so hard? Are the buried memories and uncertainty from what has already been told, or what hasn't been told. If she's fearful of what hasn't been told then that implies what's left is so egregious that she must think we have no chance of reconciling. If this is the case, it might be pretty bad.

4) To her credit, she's revealed a couple of physical encounters that happened during the time of us being exclusive and/or engaged and a number that didn't happen, but almost came to be. Those "almost hookups" may or even probably happened at some point in time, so the tally is probably going up a little here. I'll have to poly her to find the truth, but hopefully she can muster up the courage to let go of the outcome and confess. A failed poly would be disastrous.

5) The consistency and determination of her pursuits of other men is as egregious as the hookups themselves. If I were in the military or constantly on travel, the sexaual encounter totals and frequency would probably be very high considering the degree of which she made herself available. Only my physical presence obstructed greater violation of our relationship.

6) Does my wife love me? Perhaps... but does she respect me, 5 years ago and now?

7) Her recognition of our marriage seems to be different than 5 years ago, but how did that possibly come about?

8) If her will to confess has disallowed her to come clean, so too may be her will to defeat the feelings that enabled her to cheat in the first place. It's the same will, so perhaps she's not strong enough to withstand the pursuits of other men in 3, 5 or 10 years after an argument or some other relationship dynamic that leaves her vulnerable and inviting of affection and attention of other men. I'm probably overthinking this, but then again I can't dismiss anything since I never thought I'd be in this position in the first place.

Hopefully this helps. To be clear, this was pure projection. No claim to be accurate, just mindful of what you may have to deal with respect to his thinking.

[This message edited by Jorge at 12:21 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

You didn't love your soon to be husband? Why? If you knew he was the one, why didn't you love him? Do you even know what love is? What is your definition of love? It really sounds like you see your husband as a care giver and not a normal healthy loving role of a husband to me. Like, I don't love him but he is the best thing for me type of thing.

I think what can really help the both of you is if you sit down and write out the timeline. Stream of consciousness can help bring back a lot of the missing pieces. Get it all out there.

Once you get the timeline down, I think it might help to think hard about why you avoided the timeline for so long and with so much determination. It's an IMMENSE area for you to think about.

(BTW, I understand forgetting the details even a pregnancy scare. I was trying to figure out the other day when I had a second abortion and I literally can't remember which year it was. 15? 16? No idea. I think it was 16 because I could drive but I might have had a permit. I was so numb to it that it barely registered in my life)

I avoided thinking about and talking about my past because I was so eager to put it behind me and get on with my normal, doing-quite-fine life. You have said that's what you want to do - your first posts were about how you were too busy with everyday life to do the timeline and you were waiting for things to get back to normal. As you know, that does not work at all.

It helped me to see the internal logic of what I did and why, not just the affair, but all of the sexual history and past, lying, hiding. I am like this now because these things happened a long time ago and continuing coping patterns that I developed earlier. No judgment, just fact and logic.

I dissociated myself from the facts in order to do it - as a story that happened to someone else.

Like this:

When she was very young her mother and father told her that she was evil and the cause of many of the problems in the family. (example example example) She started lying and hiding so problems were never her fault. (example example example) She got praise and attention for doing well in school, so she did very well, but she also starting exaggerating how well, and lying when she didn't do well. (example example) She still needed love and attention, as all children do, so she started looking for it from boys when she was 11.

And so on. It's really really long and gets much worse. I keep adding to it and the story is taking a big turn for the better now.

Telling it as a story that happened to someone else let me "own" what happened with less emotion.

I'm still working on putting the emotion back in. I have a hard time getting to anger over how I was treated because I was so reluctant to let go of agency. It helped to imagine if I would treat my own daughter that way, what I would do if she started lying and hiding or looking from attention from other places. THAT helped a lot. I would stop everything and help her, not punish or shame her.

Anyway - I hope you'll keep sharing - I see some parallels with our stories - reluctance to own up to an oversexualized past, wanting to get on with life - and it will help me a lot to hear how you work through it.

[This message edited by Pippin at 9:37 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

You didn't love your soon to be husband? Why? If you knew he was the one, why didn't you love him?

This is something that is hard to explain. We didn’t have an arranged marriage but the way we dated and the norm for our orthodox Jewish community is not to love before marriage. This is not unexpected or outrageous. We dated for 3 months, we were engaged for 5 and then married. This is actually a longer timeline than many. My brother proposed to his wife after 2 weeks and they got married 3 months later. Did they love each other when they got engaged and married and agreed to spend their lives together? Absolutely not. As for my own dating/engagement and early marriage I know that I didn’t love my husband- but after the first phone call and from then on we had an instant connection that we both never had with others.

That initial connection was only a spark that let me see the potential with this man. I was physically attracted to him, I saw that he was good, I saw that he had a huge heart, I saw he had wisdom and he made me feel like no other had until then- at 28 years old and having dated over 80 men in the span of 10 years (and being physical with an additional 10 that was taboo and wrong in my community) he was the first man that I could envision a life with. Of those men the majority were one dates only, 2 of them were a little more serious bc the men felt we were further along in our relationship than I was open to them and they were close to proposing. Up until I was 25 I had never touched any of these men I went out with because this was also what is done in our orthodox Jewish community and I was a good and pure girl...and then something snapped. That was when I met AP one. He wasn’t married at the time or in any relationship (although I found out later he did have a GF). We flirted and got closer and closer talking for almost 2 years before we touched for the first time. Until I found out his gf was pregnant I didn’t know he had a gf and after discovering that not only he had a gf but she was pregnant I immediately assumed this was the end of our talks/flirtation/whatever it was and I backed off. He pursued as if nothing had happened. Eventually I just wanted to be physical with him and somewhere along the way I opened myself up to that idea. He spoke about how the pregnancy was an accident and the troubled relationship with his gf and mother of his child. A few months after his son was born he went to FL and I saw on fb that he got married. This was after we were first physical for 3 months but had not had sex yet. Again I backed off and thought it was all over. He came back from FL and I respected him and created a distance. He pursued relentlessly again and I was blown away that his marriage meant nothing. This should have been the eye opener to me. This was when I should have kept on running away but my moral compass had already broke and I only wanted the physical pleasure and ego kibbles he gave me. I put his wife and family out of my mind bc he obviously didn’t care about them and I didn’t want anything serious with him anyway so this seemed like a good arrangement to me. Almost two months after his wedding was when I lost my virginity to him. For the months before that when we fooled around I always said no to sex, I always said I wanted to save my virginity but in a weak moment he asked and I didn’t say no. The shock from that is what likely made me say “to hell with it all.” I didn’t want to give up my religion, I didn’t want to leave my community but a big part of me broke at that point. From that point on any man that gave me attention, that flirted with me and wanted my number or expressed any sexual interest at all I happily gave in. I was flattered and I felt amazing and like I was wanted.

Early on, BH and I discussed a possible why for this. I have a good relationship with my mother but in my 33 years there is not ONE single time that she has verbally said the words “I love you” to me. She has never hugged me or kissed me. She has never said them to my siblings and my father has even admitted that she has never uttered the words to him. She shows her love in different ways and I KNOW that she loves me- but to go my whole life and not understand how a mother can’t say those words or show physical affection to her child impacted me in a way much bigger than I ever gave it credit for. So when men showed their interest, I could not resist it. I slept with 9 men in the 4 years since I lost my virginity before I met my husband. All through this time I continued dating for marriage, I continued to mess around with the original AP and then I met my husband. I felt like I could be honest with him about that. For all of these men, I never pursued them. I never initiated contact, I never began the flirtations but as soon as they began I participated in earnest. I never hit on or tried to be with a married man- but these were the ones that pushed and pursued me. They told me how they couldn’t be faithful as it was just part of their make up and I felt that this was a good idea because then there would be no way my sexual escapades would be revealed and they would have to keep my secret. I didn’t feel as guilty bc they were cheaters whether it was with me or not so this was just a way for me to get my physical and ego needs met. I compartmentalized my life during that time. I lived my life outwardly as a member of my community and pretended I did no wrong and innocently continued to date and lie while living this secret sexual life. One reason I felt safe with my husband was because he had a past as well and wasn’t a virgin. Bc I felt the potential and bc I knew that this could be it for me I tried to make the relationship with my husband different. I needed to know this was for real and therefore we reverted back to the rules of our religion and never touched each other until our wedding day.

It really sounds like you see your husband as a care giver and not a normal healthy loving role of a husband to me. Like, I don't love him but he is the best thing for me type of thing.

It was at this time- when I was in the throes of it and at my absolute lowest point -that I was set up with my husband. We both agreed to go out as a favor and both of us went into it with no intention of going past a courtesy first date- but then he called me to set it up. We spoke for 3 hours but at the end of the call forgot to set up the date. He called the next night to try set it up but again we spoke for over 3 hours and hung up without having made plans. 2 days later he called again and after another 2.5 hour phone call we set up a date to go out for dinner and arcade the next night. There was no one that either of us were able to speak to for so long on the phone- without having even met the person we had so much to say and we kept running out of time to talk. Now I was excited about my BH. Talking to him made me happy. I looked forward to hearing from him and I loved the time we spent together- the first 3 dates we we lost track of time talking every time and closed the restaurants down. This was why I wanted to marry him. I saw how he could become my best friend.

There are some other things that need to be explained here. I’m the oldest of 4. I never answered to anyone in my life. I did what I wanted to do my entire life and on my terms. I was always fiercely independent and I always had control -and a deep fear of losing it. Another thing is that I never knew how or when to admit that I was wrong. I never saw that I could do any wrong and when I did I didn’t know how to own up to it or apologize. I was never taught how. This was how my mother was and still is. My husband was 2.5 years younger than me. He wasn’t as educated as me. He claimed to have a much worse history and past than me. I always felt better than him even though I liked him and saw that I could have a future with him. I didn’t love him while we dated but I loved the idea of marriage and I saw him as someone that I could be married to. I think because I felt that I was better than him it made him feel like a safe option got me. He loved me more than I loved him so there was no way for me to get hurt.

Do you even know what love is? What is your definition of love?

I went into my marriage not knowing how to love. My parents relationship was not a role model for what my husband wanted or needed. Yes, they were together for almost 40 years but so many times I wondered why. I never saw affection between them. I never saw them touch each other and I never saw them act lovingly toward one another. When I married I had no clue what love was or how to do it. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t know how to express it. My husband had to teach me how to say “I love you” to him because I wasn’t able to get the words out and didn’t know what they meant. Many years ago I learned something in grade school that I didn’t think about until recently. The root of the Hebrew word “love” means “to give.” The process of giving is a vehicle through which the giver- through his act of giving is able to (through a physical gift or even a verbal comment) -give of himself to another. Giving is a method that enables us to make a connection to another. When we give to another, that which we give could have been utilized to further our own self, but instead we choose to take this object or action and instead use it for someone else. This is why giving is a condition that both creates and sustains love. The true relationships that are meaningful in our lives are those in which mutual giving takes place. The giving may be physical, emotional, intellectual or a combination but without giving from ourselves no relationship can be enduring. There should be no greater giving than that of a husband and wife. Until my husband taught me to be selfless, until I was able to get over myself and putting my wants and needs ahead of his and put him first - this was when I fell in love with my husband. The more I gave to him my time, my attention, my thoughts, small gifts or words- this is what finally drew me away from my AP as my focus changed and into a real and loving relationship with my husband.

So, what you love is being chased and wanted? More than your love for your husband? Do you still feel that way? Can you change that if you viewed it differently? Sorry to be an ass, it isn't my intentions to be cruel. That it isn't about value, wanted, or chased- it is about being needy, desperate, and easy enough for the chasers? Then, maybe you will not want love that way?

Your last post says a lot and I now understand, having experienced it myself as a very young wayward boyfriend. I simply did not know what love or commitment was. My mom has yet to initiate a hug or kiss. I don't understand how this shaped my life but I'm sure it had an impact in some capacity. I'm not pointing to it as a reason for my waywardness in my early 20's, but simply acknowledging in some way, shape or form, it was a factor.

I too was a late starter at 19 and if it wasn't for my first partner who was older and experienced , literally showing me the way, I'm not sure when it would have happened. Two years later however, I started plowing my way through partners, albeit 5-6 years later than nearly all of my peers. My late start equated to a blind man seeing light for the first time ever.

The euphoria of having sex finally, plus having NO idea was commitment or love looked like meant my first girlfriend suffered, much like your husband is. I too would have had to answer to questions as why I was so careless and destructive with the heart I was to take care of.

I had zero understanding of this concept and furthermore it was not a value. I was so uncaring and stupid, I didn't even know that I WAS uncaring and stupid!!!!! The height of it was when my girlfriend's dad was having an affair with my AP's aunt and we were in the same house one evening. This is so shameful, I've only shared it with one other person in my life. I was embarrassed and embarrassed for my girlfriend's dad that we're doing the same thing in plane sight of one another.

My turnaround started when this same AP attempted suicide because I wouldn't leave my girlfriend for her. Our relationship was intensely and purely sexual for 4 months. I was spiraling and even I, in spite of immaturity saw that something was extremely wrong with my life's picture.

I'm just saying, your last post was key for me. I didn't fully understand the commitment and love until my late 20's. In fact I tell my wife all the time, had I met her a few years prior than when we did meet, it wouldn't have worked.

I simply wasn't at a maturity level that would lend itself to a healthy, committed relationship with anyone, let alone a marriage. Your marriage to your husband didn't coincide with your maturity and ability to understand love and commitment. Now there are some, who understand fully what love and commitment means and will still F up, and you may very well fall into this category.

Otherwise, it's possible you were simply incapable of being an engaged partner and future wife at the time of which you committed to being one and the timing was off, unfortunately for you and your husband. It's possible, had you met today instead of back then, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

Thanks for posting. It gave me a new level of insight for waywards that might be serial cheaters. I mean to say, hear is your story and thinking about having all those relationships prior to settling down (even though you didn't) and the person who was broken. Which comes to reality that just because you marry doesn't make all that go away or your coping skills. It can give a face and reasoning to serial cheaters that some BS might need. Not sure if you are one but to others. That they aren't just some narcissistic sociopath or something.

Otherwise, it's possible you were simply incapable of being an engaged partner and future wife at the time of which you committed to being one and the timing was off, unfortunately for you and your husband. It's possible, had you met today instead of back then, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

Interesting. Then you are banking more on immaturity instead of just having self esteem issues. Food for thought. I always was of the perfect storm. A million little things. Some people could just be immaturity.

Food for thought. I always was of the perfect storm. A million little things. Some people could just be immaturity.

Esteem is certainly a factor Zug, however in some instances esteem or lack of it is a result of immaturity. I'm looking at the age and inexperience here.

I used to say, I'd never wear white sweat socks with docksiders or flip flops. Guess what. I don't care anymore and will go to the store looking that way. Maturity.

It's a factor that would be greater for someone in there early to mid 20's than someone in there 30's for instance. I personally thought Can'tbeme's wife was also immature at the time she cheated on him.

I felt for her, knowing where my mind was at the time I was her age. It's a significant factor, but not the only one. Infidelity holds a recipe that has many ingredients, however some are more prevalent than others.

So, what you love is being chased and wanted? More than your love for your husband? Do you still feel that way? Can you change that if you viewed it differently? Sorry to be an ass, it isn't my intentions to be cruel. That it isn't about value, wanted, or chased- it is about being needy, desperate, and easy enough for the chasers? Then, maybe you will not want love that way?

What I’m saying is that before I met my husband yes, I loved being chased and wanted and I couldn’t say no. My husband chased and wanted me as well and I chose to be with him. My problem was having compartmentalized the original A for so many years I don’t know What I was thinking or why I was having so much trouble putting an end to it. I can look back now and see that I thought they were attracted to me and wanting me making me feel special but I was just an easy and desperate catch. I totally get that now but back then it was either irrelevant or I didn’t see it that way. After I got married I never looked at another man like that again, I was never inappropriate with any man that I met from the time we got married and if I felt something was off I told my husband about it immediately....yet any man who was in my life from before I had met my H - those were the ones that I continued to inappropriately text and maintain contact. I had trouble letting go of those kibbles and ending contact with them.

Another thing that I should add is that I never gave my H details of my past until dday. He always told me that his was worse and I was happy to believe it and know he wasn’t put off by my history but a) he didn’t even know it and b) he would NOT have been ok with the MM or that c) some men I remained “friends” with continued to talk to me even if just liking a picture on fb he didn’t know who was a former F*ck buddy. If any of this came out years ago we would have split immediately.

Something that we’ve spoken about is that no matter what happens with our M -the situation sucks all around for my BH. Whether we R or D, in his eyes I will still walk way “the winner.” He will always forever be a BS while I can walk away a better and more whole person having grown and learned from my mistakes. This tears me apart inside but I can’t argue bc it is true.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 4:09 PM, May 23rd, 2019 (Thursday)]

He will always forever be a BS while I can walk away a better and more whole person having grown and learned from my mistakes. This tears me apart inside but I can’t argue bc it is true.

I discussed this with my wife and she really just doesn't feel this way. We worked together to really make it clear that this had nothing to do with her. It was just my own shit coming to a head. She actually walked away better from it than me. At least that is what she thinks. I agree. She was able to grow from it herself. She found character traits to add to an already good character. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness for those that hurt her. It helped her deal with FOO issues with her mother. Who was a real piece of work, before her mother died.

I find myself to be constantly struggling with wayward thinking even when I see how it effects my BH and I see how much it adds to his hurt. It takes me too long to overcome the ability to accept my weakness and not spend so much energy trying to prove to be right and strong. It’s not hard for me to be honest with him but I find myself having more difficulty being honest with myself. I’m so scared of rejection. I’m so scared to be wrong. I’m so scared that we won’t be able to come back from this and that’s ALL on me. The first thing that happens is my defenses go up. I’m still having tremendous difficulty controlling these instincts, but I am having an easier time recognizing them and seeing them for what they are. I guess that’s some form of progress.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 9:20 AM, May 28th, 2019 (Tuesday)]