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I found out a year ago that my wife had an affair 36 years ago so many of the details of her affair are lost to time. She states however that the sex she had with her AP was "bad". She says that it was not fun, exciting or satisfying in any way. I know for myself that sex by its nature is fun and pleasurable. I can not imagine sex being unsatisfying or what I would consider "bad". I would like to know,from a woman's perspective, how or what constitutes "bad" sex for you.Any help in explaining this would be appreciated.

Yea, because all men get off every single time they have sex. Unless there are other health problems. For women, not so much.

I agree with Layla- it’s much easier for a woman not to have a good sexual experience. We take longer to warm up, it’s a different dynamic.

I also can tell you how you feel about the person or situation can eventually color the event a different way. I am about two years out and feel disgusted by it. No find memories

Ok, just let me say that as a man, I have had bad sex. More than once. I’ve turned down sex from someone who I had prior experiences with and who was “bad in bed”. Hell I even faked an orgasm once . (Only works if you are wearing a condom btw)

I guess I get puzzled by the BH who seem incredulous about the idea that sex could be bad. And the stereotype that men always enjoy it because they get off every time.

Not upset by it, just wanting to clarify. Men can have sex that is bad or unenjoyable.

I'm a woman, and I can tell you with certainty that sex can definitely be bad. Many men are clueless when it comes to women's bodies, and it can be hard to speak up and tell someone what they're doing isn't working for you. But in this situation, it's hard to say if she's being truthful. If the sex was actually mind blowing, odds are high she's going to lie and say it was bad to stoke your ego and to minimize what she did. If you know for sure she had sex with him more than once or twice, then she's likely lying about the sex being bad.

My fWW was at least honest. She admitted that of course she enjoyed sex with the OM! He was younger than me and more athletic.

As to quality of the sex, she said it wasn't any better than what she and I had, just different. I can buy that. But I never would have believed her if she had said she didn't enjoy sex with OM.

I sometimes think we are a whole generation that has grown up with too many romantic movies, books, songs and TV shows. We get this image pounded into our heads of two people meeting up, having this amazing energy and then BAM! mindblowing epic sex ensues.

That’s how fantasies work but, in my experience (and not to brag but I’ve had quite a bit) it just doesn’t work like that in real life. Sure there is the phenomena of New Relationship Energy which leads to a heightened arousal response and can take otherwise normal sex and elevate it a bit.... sure. But when it gets right down to the mechanics, sex with a new person usually involves lots of awkward body rearranging, inadvertent hair pulling, muscle cramps, teeth clicking, mismatched kissing styles (once met a girl who I swear tried to lick my tonsils with her tongue) and lots of awkward poking and groping.

In my experience it takes time, patience and experience to figure out what your partner likes and learn their particular rhythms and erogenous zones. One of the big pluses of long term committed relationships is having the time to learn that stuff about one another. So, with the exception of LTA’s, I would suspect that the Affair sex is often ok at best in most affairs. And probably down right awkward in a whole lot of them.

Just my take anyway. Besides, it’s not like anyone knows what the sex is going to be like going into an affair (with the exception of people having affairs with previous partners, yes I know. But in general here ok?). So clearly quality of sex can necessarily be the main driver in initiating the A. I suppose it could be for continuing an A but, even then, that still doesn’t necessarily negate whatever the primary driver was to begin with. Kwim?

HT

She had sex with him approx 15 times over the course of several months. You came home once and found her sitting on the floor in front of him draped seductively over his legs. Dude. She liked the sex.

Honestly, I’ve had sex with enough men that I think I can comment on this with a little authority. In my experience, I’ve had more bad sex than great sex and probably even more bad sex than good sex. I’ve had meh sex too. The men probably have no idea because I used to fake it.

If my WH had been one of the ones with the meh or bad sex, I probably would’ve divorced him. But he was one of the very few great ones (when he put in the effort), and that did play a role in my decision making process. I did not have any interest in going out in the wild and experiencing all of the bad sex that could be out there again.

I'm going to speak in general terms and not in the mindset if my own affair. Reasons for a woman to experience bad sex:

No connection, emotional, physical, mental

Feelings of shame or guilt

Small penis

Large penis

Can't get hard, can't stay hard

Doesn't properly know how to use his fingers, tongue, dick

No foreplay

It's over too quick, it takes too long

Man gratifies himself with no regard to the woman

There are 100 reasons why sex can be bad. Usually if there if there is an emotional and physical bond and desire the sex will be fulfilling and enjoyable regardless of orgasm. But when I hear bad sex, personally for me it's when there is a mental.and physical disconnect.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:36 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

I would imagine bad sex happens more often than good sex,during an affair, for the woman.

The typical OM is married. The affair is all about getting off for him. And,as we have read on these forums, the woman often acts uninhibited, like a porn star,for the OM. We dont usually hear about the OM going out of his way to sexually please the OW. It often sounds like the woman is a masturbatory tool for the OM. Therefore, I would imagine the sex is bad.

It's often rushed. Little foreplay. And often in public. At least from the stories we hear on here. None of that sounds enjoyable to me, as a woman.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:02 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

HellFire- I don't think I recall ever reading any WH/OM talking about sex on these forums. I refrain from discussing those details as well. It doesn't feel right and feels voyeuristic.

Sex for me during my affair definitely gave me a high. It was the feeling of being desired in that way. My AP did make efforts to accommodate me and my needs but I think my brain most often than not shut that down. I enjoyed him enjoying me (always foreplay and never rushed), if that makes sense and at the time it felt addictive. But over time it began to feel like a chore. I had a definite point of switching off. I think the sexual details depends on the type of affair.

Gives me a stomach ache now.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:33 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

I guess my question would be, why does it matter to you, Seateasea?

I’m genuinely asking that. For me, I didn’t care at all what the sex was like. What bothered me was the fact that they had sex, period.

Just to build off of HT’s posts, I too have had bad sex. Far more than once. I don’t define good sex as an orgasm. Fuck, if it were that easy, I’d take care of it myself.

Within the past 6 months I’ve had several guys approach me to discuss infertility struggles in their marriage. They talk to me about it, because they know it’s something I lived through for years. Ironically, sex is huge problem with the guys I’ve spoken to and was for myself. When sex becomes routine, scheduled, lacks passion and connection it loses it’s appeal. To the point that it’s not just bad, but made me feel like shit.

Anyway, not everyone has to live that experience. I just felt like it should be mentioned because there are plenty of guys out there who struggles with infertility in their marriages. From my experience, none of them have described the idea of being a prolonged sperm donor void of passion as good sex. A common comment/joke in these discussions is simply asking their wife if they could at least get a hug first...

[This message edited by Loukas at 2:33 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

I won't lie, this thread is making my head hurt.

So its obvious I'm not a female and don't understand the mechanics and apparently I either missed health class and need to attend again or I didn't pay attention.

With my admission of ignorance, is the question really did the Spouse "enjoy" sex with the AP or is the question really "bad versus good sex"? Or is the question did the spouse enjoy bad sex?

or hell do I even know what I'm talking about here?

With that said is it even possible for a woman to be aroused during bad unenjoyable sex?

I think its different male to female. As a man, if we look solely at from a happy ending. A man can most assuredly get there regardless of bad/good/enjoyed/not enjoyed sex In most instances. If the arousal is there its gonna happen. If the arousal is there then its not likely to happen. its clear through our bodies response when we are aroused, quite obvious in fact. However, can the same be said for a female? Does the lubrication factor indicate enjoyment?

I've totally gotten inside my own head on this one. So sorry if I've confused anyone... ARRGHH

Brennan- I think this thread more is on the basis of I can't believe affair sex could be bad, due to the excitement, the newness, the desire and the "danger" factor coming into play. The fact that it is illicit, in and of itself makes the senses heightened. Finally engaging in the act after dancing around it. How could that possibly be bad? That's the gist I am getting.

Your comment speaks more to the biology of it. A woman's lubrication could just mean she is ovulating and producing cervical fluid, depending on the time of month. But generally speaking more lubricated=more turned on. Doesn't necessarily mean pleasure/guaranteed orgasm.

As always thanks pink,

That helped! So isn’t the biology inherently tied too it though? E.g if she’s turned on, it can’t be bad? If she’s not turned on it’s bad.

Or is the just of it, the turn on is the illicit nature of the affair, the build up etc yet the actual sex is bad/not enjoyed?

Just trying to wrap my head around it!

I think most women can relate to being really turned on, ready to have sex, going at it, the guy finishing too fast and then rolling over and snoring while no effort is made to get the women there. So she's left unsatisfied. To me that's not really bad sex, but selfish and not satisfying. That happens in committed relationships and in affairs. My affair partner had ED and a small penis. I wasn't there for the sex though, but it was a definite component, especially for him.

Brennan87:

With that said is it even possible for a woman to be aroused during bad unenjoyable sex? If the arousal is there then its not likely to happen. its clear through our bodies response when we are aroused, quite obvious in fact. However, can the same be said for a female? Does the lubrication factor indicate enjoyment?

So isn’t the biology inherently tied too it though? E.g if she’s turned on, it can’t be bad? If she’s not turned on it’s bad.

Or is the just of it, the turn on is the illicit nature of the affair, the build up etc yet the actual sex is bad/not enjoyed?

I have as stated previously by other posters had bad sex, forced sex, meh sex, good sex, great sex, and utterly toe curling mind-blowing sex. I am not an expert but think I can speak on this...

It is possible to be emotionally "aroused" connected during bad sex, uncomfortable or unskilled sex but probably not physically aroused. One can take pleasure in their partners pleasure and play to it by groaning, moving, pornstar antics and still have not much going on arousal-wise.

I have had great sex and not orgasmed and phenomenal sex and still not orgasmed but still have fun and excitement.

Lubrication is NOT an indication of arousal (many MANY research studies confirm this) try reading Vagina by Naomi Wolf for some insight. So women could be mind glowingly turned on and still need some help with lube or be totally not into it and be lubricated. Don't go by that or erect nipples. If I had a quarter for every guy who has made the comment about nipple and arousal, I would be rich!

I can't speak to illicit sex etc because I have never had it. However, I will say I have had bad sex with partners and did it again on the off chance it would be better or because I really liked him/her and liked being close.

Women and sex are complicated.

I believe it can be bad. But if they keep going back for more and still say it was bad every time, I will never believe that.

It's difficult to believe the affair was bad even if the sex was not great. There must have been some reason she had sex about 15 times.

Does she claim she never orgasmed with OM?

Speak with OMW she might know something you don't and your WW doesn't remember.