SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To expand a little on what Pink listed, I'd also like to point out that for women, orgasm doesn't necessarily mean "good sex," either.

Orgasms are a biological function. It's been known to happen during sexual abuse and assault. Especially in the case of prolonged abuse, it's because the body has been conditioned, it is NOT because it's good or pleasurable.

The thing about affairs however is that they are emotionally intense and addictive, so I find it very difficult to imagine a person not liking one while having one. They might hate the aftermath but many of the candid descriptions paint them as very enjoyable.

The analogy which I think of is soldiers who go to war never find the same level of intensity or brotherhood in civilian life. In some ways they yearn for that time and it's certainty and purpose.

I also wonder this about my W was our entire sex life fueled by residual fantasies from OM1. Did her affair permanently change how she views me.

As a wayward there is loads of bad sex when its affair sex and i know folk have asked before well why would my WS go back for more - you should always remember (at least for women i think) that sex starts with the build up - and actually thats where all the good chemicals are as well - so thats why you keep going back for more...

So great build up - and then the act itself? Not so much....

(Not always of course but you get my drift)

Survus-

I will say that I did enjoy the sex, but it was probably like Krystal said- the build up to it was probably the most exciting part. But it was really just okay sex. That doesn’t make it better or lesser of an offense, but I am telling you this for the next part...

I have no fond memories of it. I find it disgusting and thoughts about it are humiliating to me. It in no way fuels the sex life with my husband. I am 100 percent honest in that. If your wife is remorseful she should feel the same way.

I think that's right. WW might like the attention that happens before the sex or might also enjoy the power she feels she has. If she stops and no sex then no attention and no flirting, hugging, kissing, texting, etc. If it's not painful maybe they just go along or Maybe they fake the feelings to keep AP coming back. If it was only sex a d nothing else, we'd have less WW.

Women's bodies prepare because in the case of being forced upon, the body has to protect itself from damage. Also during fertile times, the body is doing its own program and not much can be done about that.

To be fair one counselor did say that many women told him "it wasn't about the orgasm". So perhaps it is like a jigsaw puzzle where the last piece can be placed or not.

But I wonder is that in the case where the OM is less in many aspect than the BH?

Carry on.

[This message edited by QuietDan at 12:56 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

My wife's A was 30 years ago. Although we had a d-day back then I only learned the true extent and nature of the A 8 months ago. We too were high school firsts-and-onlies, and she is still my only.

I guess my question would be, why does it matter to you, Seateasea?

I think lots of posters on this thread might be asking this.

There are some specific pain elements for the first-and-only BS crowd. There is no associated "I Can Relate" thread but I could see one being created someday.

Obviously loss of exclusivity is huge for any BS. Loss of "only" takes away things that were unique in the BS's life as well. For me, I went down the rabbit hole of what used to be just mine and was now lost because she engaged in those acts with OM. Being first-and-onlies, we learned everything together. So it felt like she was sharing what we had discovered and invented with someone else, thereby tainting our experience. It creates an unhealthy point-by-point sense of competition with OM.

Being able to discount the affair sex as "bad sex" would absolutely be a compelling desire, but I know it's also a massive leap of faith taking these words as truth.

Seateasea, I really appreciate your asking the question. At 49, having only ever been with one woman, in many ways I never had to have a mature perspective about sexual partners. Reading the perspectives here and elsewhere has helped me to "mature" and figure out what is important to me.

I’ve had my fair share of bad sex. Sometimes it starts out good, probably on the basis of anticipation. The reality then creeps in, and it comes awkward and uncomfortable.

I did cheat on an old boyfriend. I ended up at a ‘party’ that turned out to be just me and a guy (red flags all over the place here) and I went along with his overtures. We ended up in bed and I completely froze. I refused to have sex, spent an uncomfortable night with a dodgy guy in a strange bed, and left at first light. It was horrible. For me, cheating did not equate to hot sex.

My XWW said the affair sex was utterly unremarkable. Then again, she is a proven liar.

Pink/adlham,

Thank you both! That info is extremely helpful and helps me reconcile a couple things my WW shared that I couldn’t wrap my head around.

Thanks again!

I find it very difficult to imagine a person not liking one while having one. They might hate the aftermath but many of the candid descriptions paint them as very enjoyable.

I would compare it to having a lot of inside jokes and fun at work with a fellow employee, but when one of you gets a new job, the two of you never speak again. Explain that dynamic, which I have witnessed and lived a million times at work, and you can understand the compartmentalized "fun" of an A.

You know when I think about it, I don't think a guy ever really has bad sex. Boring sex yes. Unless the woman is a nut, pulls out a knife and tries to do a Lorena Bobbitt on us, most of us guys can still get off even if our sex partner is a potato sack in bed. We can adapt, improvise and overcome.

Not so with women.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 5:37 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

LIVING: I can say that I have had “bad sex” with my WW. I couldn’t understand what was causing the undercurrent in our married life, but now I know my WW was screwing every man in town! Her sexual desire wasn’t toward me, it was toward the “hunt for the next victim”. So when we finished, I felt like I needed to leave a 20 dollar bill on the dresser. I felt during those years that the act of sex was merely the release of a sexual drive, empty of love and passion. We weren’t making love, merely having sex.

You know when I think about it, I don't think a guy ever really has bad sex. Boring sex yes. Unless the woman is a nut, pulls out a knife and tries to do a Lorena Bobbitt on us, most of us guys can still get off even if our sex partner is a potato sack in bed. We can adapt, improvise and overcome.

I beg to differ.

I’ve had bad sex.

With my wife.

During her affair.

It felt like just another unpleasant chore she had to complete before she could go to sleep.

t/j Thanks to pinkpggy

Guys, what you always wanted to know, the recipe for what NOT to do for good sex.

No connection, emotional, physical, mental

Feelings of shame or guilt

Small penis

Large penis

Can't get hard, can't stay hard

Doesn't properly know how to use his fingers, tongue, dick

No foreplay

It's over too quick, it takes too long

Man gratifies himself with no regard to the woman

Seateasea,

The human body is “engineered” to enjoy sex just like it’s “engineered” to like food, so I would say the chances she enjoyed it are more than 50%.

But when I read questions like that, what I really read is someone who’s trying to to cope with the shit sandwich that is infidelity.

The next step is to read your background story. You WW cheated on you with a random guy when she was newly married. She then cheated with your friend (typically called double betrayal). And your WW wife now qualifies as a serial cheater.

This is a lot to deal with. You’ll need a good plan to decide how to heal to deal with all this and heal. I’m truly sorry you have to deal with this.

As a first step, I suggest that you ask for a detailed timeline of all her affairs, there might be more than 2. Then go for polygraph to confirm.

I wish you strength, we will help you however we can

Also to chime in on pinks list- some of those are subjective - what is long to me is short to someone else. What a woman likes in terms of skills varies. Some of the other things may or may not be in your control.

If you want to know what a woman wants. Ask her. Sexual preferences are pretty specific to an individual. And when you can create a dialogue about sex, it will open all sorts of doors. It shows you are teachable, and makes us also want to be teachable.

And, I have never seen a penis too small. You guys are all carrying very nearly the same stuff. I don’t want that conversation started back up. Biologically, all the nerves that cause women pleasure are either external or very shallowly located. If you are attentive and caring, you already have more going for you than you will ever know. So relax.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:25 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

I read your earlier posts. You don't believe your wife's description of their sex because she has a history of deceptive/suspicious behavior (at least when she was young).

This was not the first time she was with another man. Prior to your best friend she spent an entire night alone (in a park) with a man that picked her up at a bar.

Then when you confronted her she retaliated by having an affair with your best friend.

I'm amazed that she just flipped a switch and became the perfect wife.

How did you find out about the affair with your best friend? Why him? Especially with bad sex.

Do you know who the first man was? Do you know who the married GF was?

For those who didn't get it, my list was meant to show there could be 10000 reasons any random woman may say the sex was bad. It's obviously subjective.

My point was if you don't have the connection there to actually discuss wants, needs, desire...then is the sex worth having? Granted there are exceptions in committed relationships but unless you have the conversation it's just two people guessing.

ETA: since this post is about affair sex...my AP had ED, a smaller sized penis and performance anxiety. I enjoyed the sex because of everything that came with it. But I enjoy sex and orgasm more and harder NOW with my husband than I did prior to my affair. I believe it's because the trauma of everything brought us together when we had totally drifted apart prior to my affair. My husband thinks my affair provided me with a "sexual awakening."

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 5:37 PM, May 24th (Friday)]