SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry that you're here, you've received great advice so far, based on what you posted and how recent she's been to his place and the fact that she's not transparent with her phone and passwords, she's still in an active A, did I mention cheaters lie and minimize ? your WW is a proven cheater and a liar, cancel that MC and tell her she's got 30 seconds to hand you her unlocked phone, if she refuses, don't say another word, just file for D and have her served without warning, you cannot R successfully with an unremorseful WW, she's not remorseful by a long shot, she just regrets getting caught, consult a D attorneyn to know your legal options, another thing you have to know is that nothing kills an A faster than full EXPOSURE with ALL family and close friends without warning, btw how did you find out ?

rc

I am so sorry you have needed to come to this site that has amazing members. It sucks, but you've found the right place.

I still experience the anxiety, anger and depression, it's a damn roller coaster, with none of the thrill.

After being here four years, I've finally sought IC and I encourage you to do the same. Work on yourself, your self-worth, because when a spouse betrays us, our self-worth usually plummets, for no, absolutely no reason. It's not the Betrayed who are broken, but the waywards. Still, it's us who feel like crap, daily, if not minute by minute.

Read up, stick around, post. Every person here honestly cares. Each new poster breaks my heart, all over again, because it's nothing but a hot mess of a bum deal to have to go through.

Hugs...

As posted above, great info so far, so not much to add...though I will say that without full transparency from her with her phone, email, location, etc, there is ZERO chance of real R (reconciling).

I also recommend that you read the the Tactical Primer thread at the top of this forum.

If you want to know if the Affair has stopped, nonchalantly ask to borrow her phone. Like “hey my phone died can I borrow yours?”

If she refuses - you know she is hiding something.

Also for whatever reason, the CS views you as weak and clingy when you (the BS) are being loving and supportive. I can tell you that things dramatically changed for me on Dday2 when I decided I was not putting up with his cheating another second.

I told him I had no choice but to D him. I was done!!!!

Blindsided him.

And I restored my power and self esteem in one move. I was fully prepared to do it. It was no threat and he knew it. The day I told him he had to leave he was begging for another chance. I declined. I did not make it easy for him to Reconcile.

How did you find out?

So she cheated, and you're the one doing all the work to R?

Something not right about that.

There is an old adage here.. To save your marriage, you need to be prepared to lose it.

Start taking positive decisive steps now.

There is an ongoing thread here regarding the '180'. Read this and initiate it. This gives you space so that you can think more clearly, and make more appropriate choices. This is your first and most important step.

Do you have undeniable proof that he is single, or is your wife saying this. Verify, if you are relying on her words. If he is in a relationship, inform her. She has a right to know. This also helps to end the relationship.

As has been stated, cancel the MC. Until she wants to attend and save the marriage, you are wasting money. If she is honest in wanting to save the marriage, she needs to attend IC first to ascertain her whys, and to start taking ownership of what she has done.

Do not do the 'pick me dance'. In reality, for her to have had this affair, she became strongly emotionally involved with him first, and then chose him over you. So you are losing this, evident by her actions after being found out.

From reading lots of experiences here, act from a position of strength. Take control of the situation. Draw your line in the sand. Inform her what you require. Act, do not allow yourself to be acted upon.

As soon as possible, see a lawyer to get legal opinion, and to commence divorce procedures. There are a lot of waywards who have

quickly realized that there are real consequences coming, and have shook them out of fairy land.

These are just some thoughts for you to consider.

I don't have access to her phone, email or social media. My wife is very strong willed and will never be the type to just hand those things over.

This is a problem. If she's not being completely transparent with everything, my guess is that she is still cheating. She may not be meeting the guy, but they are probably still texting.

She needs to humble herself and give up everything. If she won't, she's not worth R.

I was recently in a similar situation. WW had ongoing affair with our kid's 32 year old kung fu instructor. Gaslighted for over 5 months before I found out and then filed for D. I stupidly withdrew the filing when she confessed all in September 2018 and vowed to end the A and restore our marriage. I was a complete fool for believing anything she said. She resisted turning over her phone and password. That is the key as it is virtually their only way to communicate. I held on to a false hope that she cared more about me and her family than getting her rocks off with an POS that is 17 years younger than her. I was dead wrong and we are now in the midst of a contentious divorce. Give her the ultimatum. No transparency means no marriage.

I bet you are a bit surprised at the advice to be so hard-core. But it comes from painful experience.

One thing can do first if you want is download the free pdf of Linda McDonald’s book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.” It is a great recipe book for what your WW will need to do to become a safe partner. You read it first so you know what to look for in her ACTIONS. Then insist she read it in 24 hours (it is short) and then sit down to talk. You will still need to take a hard line, but the book can help make her more receptive. I highly recommend it.

Sorry to hear about your situation rc.

First let me say, as others have said, that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your screwed-up wife.

"I wish so badly to beat the hell out of this guy!"

There's no point in beating the crap out of the OM. It's not his fault. Your wife made the decision to do what she did. She knew it was wrong and that it would destroy your family but she did it anyway. She's the culprit, not him. If it wasn't rape and he isn't in jail, then she's the one who decided to spread her legs. You nor the OM forced her to ruin the life you, she, and your child had.

"Since all of this I have started eating healthier, stopped alcohol all together (1 month and 2 weeks), wake up @ 5am every morning to workout\run and have sought out individual counseling for anxiety..."

This all good stuff; please keep it up even after you're through this valley of destruction.

"But I still feel very sad, angry and alone. I don't trust her at all."

Your feelings will continue for quite a while; it's normal and she hasn't earned your trust. Until she repairs this, she doesn't deserve it.

"I don't have access to her phone, email or social media. My wife is very strong willed and will never be the type to just hand those things over."

If your wife isn't willing to give you everything that you need to help you feel safe, then she isn't R material. There's no point to marriage counseling or any type of reconciliation (R) until she turns everything over, gives up all of her supposed privacy, and does everything in her power to win you back. There has to be a line-in-the-sand where you are willing to walk away if she won't cooperate. She's done the worst thing you could ever do to anyone and it's her full 100% responsibility to fix it. If she's not willing to give you access, she's still involved in the affair. If she's still involved in the affair, you have two options, live in an open marriage, or divorce her and take your life back.

"I don't feel like a man anymore guys. This is humiliating on all levels. I just don't know if I'm a fool for sticking around and giving her another chance or what."

We've all felt this way. It's normal. You feel the humiliation that your wife should be feeling. It's an unfair situation that takes years to resolve if your wife is willing to put the time and effort in. Your wife gets the best of both situations here. She enjoyed the excitement of riding the other man, and now she gets to enjoy the new thinner more sexually active you. It's a shit sandwich for you. That's why it's on her to fix what she broke.

"A part of me says to give it a shot and see how things go for the next 6 months to a year and if I'm still hurting or unsure then maybe make the call? I just don't want to be left with regret on top of all this pain."

It's okay to give yourself time to decide what you want to do. Just ensure that you're not rushing into trying to get everything back to the way it was. That's where many of the regrets come from; rushing into decisions.

Don't start marriage counseling. She needs to go to IC and work on her issue first. If she won't then divorce her now because you're in for more pain and more other men down the road. She needs to give you full access to every crevice of her life. If she won't then divorce her because she's hiding her activities from you for a reason and it's not good. She needs to be the one setting up the counseling appointment, not you. If she won't make that small effort, then divorce her and save yourself future pain.

You must always remember that your wife is not who you thought she was. You're only now seeing the real person that you married. If you look back you'll see that the signs have always been there but you ignored them; we all did. You must also remember that your wife is no longer the prize you thought she was. You are the prize. You are the only individual in this relationship who has real value. She devalued herself the moment she chose another man over you.

You are the prize. She needs to win the prize in order for you to stay with her. If she chooses not to make the effort, then know that she is choosing herself and sex with other men over you. Don't allow her to devalue you and don't devalue yourself by putting up with unacceptable behavior and treatment. You didn't do anything to deserve this treatment of you and your marriage. Make a plan, draw lines in the sand, set expectations, and outline your future. Set goals and milestones for yourself. If your cheating wife wants to 'tag-along' then she has to meet your expectations, otherwise you move ahead without her holding you back. She made her choices. It's now your turn to make your choices and decide your future.

Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Again, this may seem harsh, but we are sincerely trying to help.

I have scheduled marriage counseling for us in a week and we have made a real connection the last two weeks, both physically and emotionally. But I still feel very sad, angry and alone. I don't trust her at all. I don't have access to her phone, email or social media. My wife is very strong willed and will never be the type to just hand those things over. I don't feel like a man anymore guys.

Cancel the marriage counseling appointment. Let her know you did.

Demand access to her accounts. Now, none of this hesitation. If she refuses, walk away, see a lawyer, file some papers.

If you give her time she will delete everything and continue to snow you, if she hasn't already. ( although there are recovery programs to get it back).

This is paramount. Yes, this is an ultimatum. She either in or she out. It's time you figure out out serious she is about the marriage.

If she's still hiding, what's the point? It will only get worse.

It's time to step up and take control and you get to call the shots, not her. It's your life!

We are hoping to give you advice to prevent you from DDay 2. DDay 1 is bad enough.

DDay2 is worse because basically you (the Betrayed spouse) are doing all the work and the affair or cheating has continued.

Please do not let that happen to you.

How are you doing? We worry about you.

We've walked the same path as you and understand the roller coaster of emotions. You are not alone!

See you doctor for help with sleeping and anger/anxiety.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:02 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]

First you have let this damage your confidence. Understand, no one can damage your confidence but you. There is someone out there that would be truly happy to be with you. Beauty fell in love with the Beast so you should have no trouble at all. You(and many other men) need to learn that if you don't give your wife what she needs (emotionally, physically, supportively) then she just may go looking for it somewhere else. Just because a couple marries does not mean the courtship is over. Courtship and communication should never stop in a marriage. Sometimes it still doesn't stop infidelity but in most cases it will. I've learned a lot in over 50 years of marriage. Some lessons came easy and some come very hard. But my wife and I are still together and still in love. True love doesn't fade over time as long as you keep it watered with honesty, communications, and devotion. Sometimes I read situations like yours and wish I could have talked with the bride and groom before they married. Right now all the decisions to be made falls on your shoulders. I do wish you well.

How are you doing rcnorris?

File for divorce and she'll get her head out of her butt.

You caught her turning off location services?

She's in an active affair. Wake up