SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't read most of the comments, so maybe this has been addressed already, but why all the focus on the physical sex versus the no-sex?!? Who cares - aside from getting tested for STDs which everyone on here does anyway - what's the difference when you've got years of lies and betrayals and seriously f-ed up behavior?

She met a guy at her gym and progressed to sending him naked selfies - but on the way there nothing physical ever happened?!

And corroborating this story is the indignant denial of gym-guy?!

Question: what would you do if it did go physical?

Here's the deal - there are guys who are super into this shit that don't get laid - they like the fantasy. There are people like my screwed up WH who have a PA for 5 months and then stop the PA-full blown sexual aspect of it for over a year while continuing to send sexual-messages almost daily (all the while yearning and longing to actually fuck but talking about how many months it had been - I think the holding out was actually part of the turn on). After reading all that crap I would have rather them just done it as that would have been easier to read then all the things they wanted to do to each other and then masturbate in his car while thinking about it. There are all kinds of people and while it seems very likely that something physical has happened at some point or a million times, that's not the real issue.

The real issue is that she isn't going to stop and the OP isn't okay with living like this. Something has to give at some point or you find a way to be comfortable with a cheating spouse. There are some people who are cool with this too. Doesn't sound like the OP is one of them (at least as far as I read). As the OP has said that he must stay together for the kids (I profoundly disagree - but I won't go there as you have indicated that is your position) it seems to me the only option is to either resign yourself to this relationship the way it is and find a way to be comfortable with it (which means stop monitoring and checking and just accept that's what's going on and be cool with it) or live in this hellish limbo until your kids are old enough to be gone and they aren't the excuse to stay together anymore.

Talking about what you can do or not do about helping her to change her behavior is about as constructive as talking about what you can do to change mine. Nothing. All you can change is you. If you are unwilling to leave because of the children then you have limited options. There are quite a few people on this board who have chosen to stay "for the kids" so I would think talking to them about it is likely your best course just to maybe get some perspective on what can happen.

Good luck to you!

I thought I might post an update if anyone still reads this one.

I had last posted that she said I could see her phone and that I didn't want to. So I tested her and said I did need to see the phone. She refused.

This was just about the same time as my last post, so since I have just been numb and distant.

I told her a few days ago, that keeping me from accessing her phone is her protecting herself and saying that she is perfectly OK with me being in pain over it. I then just let it rest. I didn't have a firm deadline, I had told my self that if she didn't turn the phone over I would leave. I could tell yesterday that it was time to leave the home. For the record, she had done literally everything I asked - NC, access accounts, access to her phone (current records), read books I suggested and that she found, researched IC and MC for us to attend....but this no sharing phone history was a deal breaker.

I knew there was only 1 reason to hide the phone history. I didn't tell her of my plans to leave. The whole time I have hoped that she would come to me and talk to me without me twisting her arm. I guess I still did by pulling away but not in a confrontational way. Last night she sits me down and says she needs to talk. She tells me that the reason she hasn't been able to let me look at her phone is because there is videos. She had admitted to pictures only. She describes the videos, the angles, what is in them. She sent 3 and he sent none but sent pictures of him having "finished". She is bawling more than when she told me about their physical encounter. I asked her why and she said because he could still have those on his phone and still be watching those and she knows how awful that is for me. That he could show his buddies and share them and how much embarrassment that is for me. It felt like real and genuine remorse. No regret that she got caught but she truly was agonizing over the pain she has brought to me.

I decided to quiz her while she was open and vulnerable. She held to her story that they met 3 times with twice nothing happening, but the third they made out and had oral sex with each other. She looked at me and said, the reason they never met again is because she knew if they did they would've had sex.

She hands me the phone and says the she has nothing else to hide and to look at her phone. I tell her I am not sure I want to but she insisted. Everything I saw or found backed up her story. I used a 3rd party recovery program and saw more than I wanted. I feel fairly confident that I know as close to the truth as I am ever going to.

This was a huge moment for me and especially for her. I know it is just a step and based on her history I will always be in danger. I am encouraged by her actions lately though.

I’ve come to understand that everyone’s walks are different. There no master plan that necessarily works for everyone. From reading your previous posts, I get the impression you can get past the sexual contact, but could not get past lies and not revealing all the details fully. I know the encounter with the AP was hurtful, absolutely, but for you, her not coming clean about full details and disclosure when you asked was your hard limit; your moment where you considered leaving. Now that she has revealed the facts about the videos, will you guys work together to heal and rebuild? How do you feel about the fact that she sent videos and that he still has them?

The videos are certainly upsetting. Not completely surprised but at the same time I am. Her thing has always been to flash her boobs, get told how hot/amazing her body is and move on. This one got away from her. I am in no way saying that flashing boobs is acceptable but this one stands out as much different than any of the others.

I have images of smashing his phone at the gym or spilling my drink on it. I mean it isn't something I would do but I just saw it sitting there one day and it was so damn tempting.

I think I am compartmentalizing a lot.

Have your wife write out that list of 30 reasons you are better than the AP. Be sure some of them are physical. This will give you something to laugh about if you see him again.

Because you will feel more alpha/plan A.

Maybe have her text it to you encase this meat head confronts you. Then you know you have words to disarm him and not fists.

Also, tilt your perspective. Take a video of the 2 of you together. Don't do anything with it, just hold onto it. Then laugh because these guys are fantasizing about what you have at home.

Wish I could just give her this advice because it is more impactful if the WW does it without perceived prompting.

SumOfOne:

Her coming to you and finally talking about the hurtful videos and giving you the phone is a very hopeful sign IMO. I have no idea where you stand on all of this. It is all very hurtful. But her actions do show a willingness to be vulnerable and open with you. She seems to understand at some level how hurtful the videos are to you. Of course she was also protecting herself, but it is a good sign that she opened up to you. DoinBttr has some good ideas as well. Good luck. Keep on, keepin on.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:47 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Have your wife write out that list of 30 reasons you are better than the AP. Be sure some of them are physical. This will give you something to laugh about if you see him again.

Not to try and sound Alpha but in most ways this is not a competition in favor of me. I am built better, more attractive, more prominent job, from what I saw willy size is a push (worst part about seeing those damn pictures). He is also older than I am. I look pretty young for my age, he literally looks like her dad. He has a daughter my wife's age. I feel zero threat from him and seeing him always makes me feel better. What my wife has said, that it wasn't about looks, it was how he made her feel about herself. He dotted on her, offered to cook for her, take care of her etc etc. In complaining about me and my short comings, she gave him the play book on how to seduce her and he did. So while in ways it hurts because it grosses me out, I know had it been some 30 year old meat head that was buff and banging all the wives at the gym it would've been much worse. I can never compete with that guy physically. My self esteem would've taken a huge hit.

I have no idea where you stand on all of this. It is all very hurtful

When I first posted it was more of a rant. My hurt did a lot of talking in my first few posts. When I tried to backtrack about some comments I was white knighting. I am still finding my way but I wish I had know about this site in 2014 because I think the advice here has been so valuable in navigating things. In helping myself I have also helped my WW. By not tolerating certain behaviors she has made very nice strides. My biggest thing is, will this happen again? History says yes. My gut tells me everything about this time "feels" different.

[This message edited by SumofOne at 2:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

SumofOne: but isn't this the point?

Not to try and sound Alpha but in most ways this is not a competition in favor of me. I am built better, more attractive, more prominent job, from what I saw willy size is a push (worst part about seeing those damn pictures). He is also older than I am. I look pretty young for my age, he literally looks like her dad. He has a daughter my wife's age. I feel zero threat from him and seeing him always makes me feel better.

Its not about his looks, or how you feel about yourself. Its always been about your WW, and how she seeks attention from men. You've said, she has a history of boob flashing for attention. A history!!! That's what is concerning for you. Are you okay with her just going back to boob flashing, and no texting or videos to new APs?

Your WW is an attention seeking women. That needs to be fixed, and I can assure you that as soon as her looks start going by the way side, or if those boobs aren't looking so right, you make have other problems on your hands with OM. She start feeling bad about herself and there are plenty of OM willing to lend an ear for getting in those pants, that's going to be your albatross going forward. You need to get the WW fixed. She needs to find out why she needs all this validation. My WW need affirmation, it was due to her poor self esteem, and it may be similar to your WW's need for external validation. If that doesn't get fixed, you will find yourself here again, no matter how sorry feels right now after showing you her phone.

Halftime

I totally agree with you. I think in the past what I would see was just surface changes. This time the things I see are more meaningful.

I don't pretend that she is a model wife overnight. I am only encouraged.

She is doing work. I have work of my own I am doing. I realize how sad it is when you consider sending boob pics as a minor thing. It isn't as common as I make it sound but if I were to post how often it would be said that even once is out of line...yes I realize it since I lived it.

Her persistent need for validation from strangers is very alarming. This is seen in many Narcissistic Personality Disorders, as well as the lack on empathy.

You’re stuck. If you won’t dump her, you’re going to be living this forever. She won’t stop because she can’t

Sum,

Sexual compulsion is an actual disorder that will be listed in ICD 11. My IC told me about it yesterday. It sounds like your WW may have that. Sexual compulsion means they want to quit, they know it's ruining their life and M, but they can't quit. She definitely needs IC and I recommend looking for a therapist who is licensed in sexual issues, such as a sex addiction therapist. The person doesn't have to have actual sex with someone else to be diagnosed. There's a huge range of things that fall under the diagnosis.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through the same thing myself...again.

I mentioned sexual addiction here but I was told I was making excuses for her and that it made me feel better about what she did. So I haven't mentioned it much since she has never had a diagnosis, but I have a degree in counseling (don't use it). My feelings are that she is ADHD, sexual addict, poor impulse control, poor boundaries, FOO, low self-esteem and just loves sex.

Sum,

I don't think it's making excuses for her at all. It's just giving you the ability to figure out the "why". It certainly doesn't excuse it in any way. What a horrifying problem we are dealing with... maddening, in fact.

I'm heartbroken for both of us that we are dealing with this. I'm really sorry.

In thinking a bit more I think I should say she really only shows just glimpses of those things. It is not a driving force in her every day life, but I have described how she has been the last 7 months as being in a funk. I don't recognize her during these times. All other times she is loving, caring, madly in love with me...then the funk.

Everything becomes secondary, especially me.

She is currently trying to find her why and if there are any triggers. I have theories but I am trying to let her discover this on her own.

I have asked her to come and post her but I think she is afraid to right now. I'm not going to push it but I think she will make an appearance at some point.

[This message edited by SumofOne at 2:59 PM, September 6th (Friday)]