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My WW tells me they always had safe sex and used a condom he provided. Shortly after the affair ended she had her 5th a final miscarriage which I now wonder if it was his. She was never on the pill or took responsibility for birth control in our marriage. This now haunts me but I don’t know how to ask the question “Was it his?” Advice anyone?

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 7:08 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Just ask her. A sex is rarely safe sex, in my experience.

Easy:

“Wife – the last miscarriage. Was that OM’s child or was it mine?”

^^^^^ This BUT I would ask it at a polygraph test. Otherwise it would be too tempting to try and lie.

JMO YMMV.

In most cases affair sex begins with protection and then they discard it.

Yeah. My WH claims they used condoms the first few times, and then they stopped because they were in a relationship and she was "clean."

Did he ask her if she was clean? No. Did they ever have a conversation about STDs? No.

But she was on birth control and had been single for awhile before him so he that's how he knew she must practice safe sex and get tested regularly.

Cheaters. Are. Fucking. Stupid.

Just ask your wife.

Cheaters. Are. Fucking. Stupid.

It's all safe in unicorn land

Using protection never crossed my WH's mind. I got 2 STDs from him.

They’re not stupid. They know what they’re doing. They manipulated situations. You’re underestimating them.

Cheaters. Are. Fucking. Stupid.

It's all safe in unicorn land

^^^This.^^^

I know "affair fog" is a somewhat controversial theory around here, but when I think of someone being in an affair fog, I think of them being in "unicorn land." They know what they're doing is wrong (hence the lying/denying/gaslighting/etc.) but they somehow develop magic abilities to just look at someone and know they don't have any STDs, because their (lying, cheating, low morals) AP is just such a good person.

Hate to say this but unprotected sex is often proof of their twu lurve, I mean you don’t use condoms with your schmoopie/soulmate because the lurve is real and the trust is there etc etc I read a text between my WH and AP where she waxed lyrical that it was love because they didn’t use any protection.

There isn’t a sick bucket big enough.

Just be straight up with her. "I have a question that is eating at me. I need you to be honest. The miscarriage, was it OMs child?

Niceguy,

I'm sorry you are faced with questioning paternity of this miscarried child. No one wants to be in this situation.

Gently, can you trust your wife's response if you do ask? Cheaters lie right? If you are able to trust she would tell you the truth, then as others have pointed out. Just ask based on where you are in your healing journey, something along the affect of:

I know this will be a difficult conversation but this reminder is eating me alive, I can't imagine what you are dealing with regarding the loss of the baby, but I need to know who was the father. I don't know whether I need to grieve for the loss my child or help support you during your grief or both as this question is outstanding.

I'm sure the empathy/compassion approach won't be popular but if we take infidelity off the table a woman lost her child and as the potential father, you did as well and need to grieve.

If you cannot trust your wife to be honest, I recommend you ask anyway and then get with your therapist on ways to accept that you'll never truly know.

God speed.

On a separate note; if you believe your wife is truthful about protection, then that should be your starting point on acceptance. However, my WW lied and lied some more: Protection used: yes. Protection used: not always. Protection used: Just once. So there's that.

2)

By the way, if she insists that all of their sex was with condom, and you dont believe her, it is 100% okay to say it right out: "I dont believe you. I think you're lying. You have lied so often, for so long, about soany aspects of this. What can you show me that would confirm that this isn't simply another one of your lies."

As I’ve thought about this since I asked the question, I’ve realized that “Yes, she would lie to protect herself. I would not ever know the truth. This one will only be revealed in the after life.

My exWW was already pregnant with her AP's baby before DDay, so count me as one of the many whose WS didn't bother with protection. From what I read here it would seem most waywards don't use protection. Idiots gonna idiot, I suppose.

My lowest, the most weakest feeling was after my STBXWW told they did not use protection. Until that she told he had a condom even during oral. And I believed her... It was after I told her I had decided to D (maybe the first time I guess) when she told that "as it does not matter anymore, I can tell the truth".

Somehow that information took every single tiny bit of energy I had in my body, and I felt I could just drain through the floor. That was even bigger hit for some reason than the fucking itself. Which was absolutely torturing too.

There are so many stories on SI about the cheaters not using protection while claiming they did. If it was more than a ONS I doubt protection was used. Unless the cheater was looking for sex protection probably wasn't used for a ONS either.

My WW never used protect. Both of them were fixed. He hadn't had sex for 18 months so he must be clean. He would never lie about things like that because he was so honest that he told WW his wife was leaving him because she caught him having sex with a different woman. So he was an honest person. She arranged the whole thing ahead of time so she could have bought condoms if she thought she needed them. Of course she didn't.

I would follow up the direct question with a request/demand for a polygraph.

My fch says he used a condom when they had intercourse, but not when she gave him oral. I don't know if that's true. I do know he had condoms because we used them. It's possible he used one just out of habit.

ETA: since we only used condoms for pregnancy protection and not STI protection, they were lambskin, which don't protect against STIs. So, he still put my life in danger if he did use a condom.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:48 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

I have a question. How do you think she would know if the baby was yours or the AP's? Unless you guys didn't have sex during her fertile period, which you would presumably know, there's no way to know who the father was without paternity testing.