SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I are separated currently. I am the WS and I realize I must be the one to really show I want to change and be different.

I want to be different and really get in front of our relationship and do what it takes to turn this around, first, for her, and second, so I different.

I was researching and wondered if anyone here as done the EMS Weekend with Affair Recovery found onlin? Was it beneficial and did it help to kick start you on the road to reconciliation?

I suspect others on the site will have a different opinion/experience, but I'm not a fan of AR. The materials I've seen seem to have a bit of a bias against BS.

I have heard that many couples get a LOT out of Retrouvaille, which is focused on communition and not infidelity. And I would say that communication is super important if you are trying to R.

I don't know when your dday was, but my WH suggested similar weekend infidelity seminar things about 2-3 months after dday . I declined, mostly bc I was such a basket case I doubt I would have been able to absorb much of anything. Moreover, I was absolutely NOT ready to do anything that would have implied (and some of these programs don't imply, but pretty well outright say) that my WH's A was my "fault" in any way, shape, or form. Now, maybe it would have been a good thing for me to the extent that going to such a program may have motivated me to S much sooner.

IMHO, even saying things like: what in the M made the WS 'vulnerable' to an A is BS blaming. I was in the same M, so I had the same M-related "vulnerabilities", yet I remained faithful to my WH from day 1. To me, the question should be: what is it in YOU (the WS) that made YOU vulnerable to an A. Hint: it has NOTHING to do with your M or your BS.

Some BS seem to be Ok with the implication that they somehow contributed to the A. There are some theories about that, but it seems that BS who feel they contributed do so in order to have some sense of control over the WS - IOW if I change, then my WS won't do it again. I went that route with my WH's 1st A.... didn't work.

Similar issue from the societal view of blaming the BS for the WS' cheating - by doing so, folks who have not been subjected to an A can tell themselves that it won't happen to them bc they are good spouses. I believed that when an acquaintance learned of his WW's A... even tho at the time my WH was 7-8 years into his LTA PA.

ETA: I apologize for the t/j, but I'm glad you are still on the planet. My WH hung himself in month 9. I found him in our shed/garage. He literally died in my arms. The good news is that EMT were able to revive him, with what - so far - appears to be minimal cognitive brain damage. This was a real miracle in that about a 1000 things could have gone differently and he would have been too far gone by the time I found him. The bad news is I now have a second PTSD dx from it - which I'd have even if EMT had not been able to bring him back to life. The flashbacks and related PTSD symptoms are extremely difficult for me, even though I have an IC that deals solely with the trauma aspects (I also have an IC for infidelity/ everything else).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:37 PM, August 9th, 2019 (Friday)]

I suggest focusing on changing from betrayer to good partner before you focus on your relationship.

As gmc says, you and your W were in the same M. What enabled you to cheat?

What messages did you send to yourself that made you think cheating was a good next step?

What do you need to change in yourself to become a good partner?

And are you willing to do the work, even if your W chooses D?

Once you've started healing yourself you can start to rebuild your relationship.

I understand the desire of a remorseful WS to dig in to help the BS. IMO, though, the biggest payoff for the relationship, for the BS, and for the WS is for the WS to work to become a good partner. That may sound counter-intuitive, but it works.

We did the online version.

I'd agree that there is a slant there. The founder is a WH and the main video spokesman too. And occasionally you can see that wayward attitude creep in to some things.

There's an online course for the WS that is 17 weeks long. That would be something to do to heal yourself before thinking about marriage stuff.

Although EMS is more about getting to ground zero and learning some communication styles.

Overtly religious.

Even with my criticisms, the three courses EMS, and the two for the WS and BS were all three helpful. But occasionally the material smacked of blaming the BS or expecting from the BS near saintly behavior in the face of such vicious emotional abuse of infidelity

Message me if you want more detail

I guess I have a different experience of Affair Recovery.

We did not go EMS and my husband did not do HFH, but I did do HH. HH was in my opinion no way slanted toward the unfaithful. My leader had divorced and was clear that we betrayed should in no way accept abusive behavior.

I watched most of Samuel & Rick's free YouTube Videos in the early days. Those YouTube videos were so helpful to me. I tried to get my husband to watch them, but he never did..... He had a good IC and his IC approach was similar to what Samuel and Rick said so it was kind of the same information. This would be a great place for you to start to see if their approach would work for you.

I hear great things about Hope for Healing for WS that are ready to turn their lives around.

They do come from a Christian perspective but they repeatedly tell you to replace the Christian words with your own "spirit" or whatever your beliefs are.

I would recommend AR and wish that we could have afforded an EMS weekend, but with air fare it was just out of reach for us. I hear great things about EMS also as long as the unfaithful is ready to turn their life around. The main complaints are when the unfaithful is not ready...

We also did Retrouvaille. I would also recommend that. It's a great way to learn communication skills.

Best of luck to you!

We are about to begin the online version of EMS and have already completed the 7 day boot camp. I have not felt like it was slanted towards the WS at all, and it seems to have really helped my WH.

Personally I would prefer to do the weekend but it's way too expensive for us. I think the longer program will be more effective for him so that's good I guess.

All, Thank you for the great info and feedback. I believe it is best for our Counselor to guide us and if he recommends EMS Weekend then I say go for it.

As the WS I am going to start Hope for Healing as soon as I can get registered.