SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, this is my first post. My D day was two months ago. My H had a 8 year A with his high school girlfriend. I found out by four anonymous letters in the mail. H ended A 1 and 1/2 years ago so for him he is ready to move forward I am just starting to process the lies.During this time all 4 of our parents passed away plus our son passed away 3 years ago. Also, our daughter had 3 grandchildren. They would meet on his way home from work for 1/2 hour for coffee at first and then sex in her van a few years later.She stopped by our house one day, came to our cabin and they had sex there... So of course I don't want to visit the cabin NOW. I saw a phone number in his phone with no name and he deleted. Also, one email and he said he wouldn't talk to her. Just kept on lying. We have been married 34 years and I just can not get past the lies, and length of the A. Our daughter will not talk to him or let him see the grandchildren .H is in IC we are in MC. Right now I have asked H to stay at cabin as I just can't be with him I have so much anger! For years I have been trying to get H to spent more time with me and open up , now that H has been caught he is willing to give me the time. Should I let him stay at cabin for awhile? How do I get past the length of 8 year A?

Fist let me say my heart goes out to you. This has to be a huge blow. I will also say this 8 years is not an affair,It is another commitment! He had another wife. There is a guy on another board who left his wife and had her served on his way out of town. He never spoke to her after, Never confronted her about her cheating just left after she was served. Not saying you should go this rout, But 8 years is long time....

If I were you I'd take as much time as necessary to determine what I wanted.

You should als I for the OW's husband without warning of their affair.

Hello June,

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

There are a lot of people here with (unfortunately) lots of experience with infidelity. They will be along to comment on your post and offer advice.

In the upper left corner is a yellow box. The Healing Library is there. There is a lot of good info for you to read. Please take some time and read some of the info, it will help.

From your post, I am unsure if the affair has ended? You do state it ended 1 1/2 years ago, but are you sure? Do you know if they are still in contact in any way?

If they are in contact in any form, the affair continues. MC is pointless at this time. IC for your WH and possibly for you ( with a different therapist, it is important that both therapists have experience with infidelity) is probably the better option.

My D day was two months ago

You are very early on this terrible journey out of infidelity. It is said recovery can take from 2 - 5 years, sometimes longer.

It would be a good idea for you to have your WH write a detailed timeline of the affair. Tell him it is his chance to be totally honest with you and get all the details out in the open so you know what you are dealing with. Also tell him there will be a polygraph lie detector test based on the information in his timeline. You need the truth from him to be able to move forward.

I recommend you contact two or three divorce lawyers. Not necessarily to file for divorce, but to gather information on what divorce would look like in your situation. Usually lawyers offer a free initial consultation. Get this knowledge, as knowledge is power, and it will show your WH that you are serious about his infidelity.

Have your WH read "Not just friends", Google it, it is a short read and is a free download. Get another book called "How to help your spouse heal from affair." Both of you should read this one. You read it first, mark up the parts that are important to you, and then give it to WH.

Ensure you are getting enough sleep, food and water. The basics. If you are having problems eating or sleeping see your doctor. Explain the situation, don't be embarrassed, medical professionals have seen it all before. STI testing is probably a good idea as well.

Get lots of exercise, it will help you keep a clear mind.

This is a start, keep reading here and keep posting.

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to, june33585. I am so sorry you had need to find us, but I am glad that you did. Many wonderful people here with support and advice.

Your story hits home for me. Very similar circumstances. My FWH (Former Wayward Husband) had a LTA (Long Term Affair). His was about 7years, too, started as "friends" meeting up after work to chat and that led to sex. If you want to read my background story, click on the "happy face" emoji on this post and it will bring you to my profile page. We had been married 31 years (40 years this year) when I found out. He had ended the LTA six years before I found out. The OW (Other Woman) had been stalking him, and me, since he broke it off. Finally, the OW exposed the LTA to me, in a very bizarre way. Sent a letter to me pretending to be Its dead ex-husband.

Should I let him stay at cabin for awhile?

Why is he staying at the cabin? This is just a question to see what your thinking and feelings are. I can't give my opinion on this unless I know your reasoning and feeling for him staying at the cabin.

How do I get past the length of 8 year A?

I don't know if one can get past an affair. We can accept it happened. We can choose not to dwell on what happened in the past (that is going to take awhile, doesn't happen overnight). We focus on the present and what our WS's (Wayward Spouse) actions are now.

Are you going to IC? Is the MC enough for you right now, is the MC a support for you? Many will tell you that you shouldn't be in MC right now. I don't necessarily agree with that advice. We went to MC pretty soon after d-day (the day we find out about the affair) as I hadn't found SI yet and didn't know the standard advice here is to not go to MC until after the WS has done work in IC. But, we went to MC and it actually worked well for us as it was a "safe" place for my FWH to reveal what he felt were the most egregious parts of his LTA. MC also was also a very big help in helping us communicate much more effectively.

I will recommend a lot of reading for you. Have you read anything in The Healing Library? You will find it in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. I found the BS (Betrayed Spouse) FAQ's very helpful. In the "Articles" section of the Healing Library you will find an article called "What Every WS Needs to Know". It was one of the most helpful articles my FWH read to let him know what he needed to do. If you don't want to share this site with your WH, print it out for him to read. I will also recommend the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It is an expansion on the article I just recommended. It isn't a long book and an easy read. Especially good book for your WH to read. You may want to read it also.

Do you have support IRL besides MC? It sounds like your DD knows and is supportive of you and is very upset with her father. That is sad, but understandable.

I just want you to know that Reconciliation, if that is what you want and your WH is willing to do the hard work, is possible after a LTA. We have done it. We are good. We are happy.

ETA: I will disagree a little with totallydumb. "Not Just Friends" is not a short and easy read, imo. It can be a very painful book to read. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it at two months post d-day. We read it together at about 8 months post d-day. It is a great book. I actually feel it is the "bible" on infidelity. If you are committed to Reconciliation, I would recommend reading it together at some point in the future, maybe a couple of more months. We actually learned more and healed more from "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass than we did from our MC. (who said she specialized in infidelity but, who in fact, was not very informed about infidelity) We both got a copy of the book. We set a time aside each week to discuss what we read. We read a chapter (sometimes two depending on how long the chapters were) a week. The time we set aside was one hour. We had to discuss at least 30 minutes but if one still wanted to continue we needed to discuss for 60 minutes. If we both decided we wanted to continue to discuss after 60 minutes, we would. If one wanted to stop, we would. It is a great book!

ETA: P.S. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear son. How awful. Also, for the loss of your parents and in-laws. You have had many losses and it must be very overwhelming. I am so sorry. Then your marriage, which feels like loss, too. All of this piled on top of each other is very traumatizing. I wouldn't doubt that you suffer from some form of PTSD.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:22 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Welcome June. SI is a wonderful place that you never hoped to find.

I am so sorry to hear what he did to you and the family. I'm glad the truth is out and the kids know. How did they find out?

Many time WS lie after discovery. They can lie during MC, or try to manipulate the counselor, which causes more trauma to the BS (you). It sounds like he is using "trickle truth" which is a term we use for lying by omission and just letting out enough information for you to back off. He sounds very manipulative.

If you feel for a second that MC is not a good idea or a good fit, stop. IC would be excellent for you as you need a safe place to process.

Both of you need a complete panel of STD tests.

Can you tell us more about the anonymous letters in the mail? I ask, because we can give better advice knowing the complete situation.

I think it is a great idea to kick him out to the cabin. You need to do what you need to do right now.

He did a TERRIBLE thing to you. He stole time and resources without your knowledge, he lied and manipulated-without your knowledge, he exposed you to potential deadly STDs without your consent or knowledge. He held the cards and all the knowledge for a long time and betrayed you in the worst possible way. And then he lied about it all and probably tried to make you feel at fault. If this injury to you was physical you would be in ICU for weeks.

His response to your strong stance will tell you everything you need to know about his ability to be a candidate for reconciliation. However, if this is a dealbreaker for you, that is OK too.

But, you need time and support to work through this level of betrayal.

The anger is normal and a good sign for you.

SisterMilkShake started a little before me, and she was one of the people here who I took as guides. Some of the guides were long-timer - they taught me how I might feel years down the line. SMS, among others, taught me how I might feel in a few weeks. I generally agree with her take on things, and I agree with her now.

Some further thoughts...

1) You did nothing to cause your H to cheat. He did it for his own reasons. His cheating does not reflect on you. You probably think you must have done something, but you didn't. He had his A all on his own.

That means he can and must heal himself. You can support him emotionally, if you feel like doing so, but he has to do the work. IMO, a good IC for the WS is almost always necessary.

2) MC is useful if it starts with the A and the immediate fallout of the A. If the MC allows you to express your feelings and insists that your H deal with you and your feelings, MC may be useful.

If the MC looks for things in your M that caused your H to cheat, stop. The MC is flat out wrong. Nothing in your M caused your H to cheat.

3) You've probably been inundated with feelings of grief, anger, fear, and shame. Your head probably is swimming with contradictory thoughts. You probably go every which way with regard to go-stay-kick him out-ask him back, etc., etc., etc.

That's normal. A good IC can help you resolve your feelings and get your thinking back on track. A good IC can help you do that a lot faster than if you do it on your own.

4) Back to Marz's idea - your best bet is to figure out what you want. You want a good solution, which is not necessarily the quickest, so - as Marz says - take the time you need.

I didn't feel ready to commit one way or another until I saw myself living a good life whether I R'ed or D'ed.

5) You can hold your head high whether you D(ivorce), R(econcile), or wait to gather more info.

If you decide you want R, then you'll need to figure out if your H is a good candidate for R.

One thing to remember - you can D whether your H wants to or not. You can't R unless you're both willing to do the necessary work. You can't change him - if he won't do the work, you can't R.

6) I recommend as strongly as possible that you focus on resolving some of your awful feelings first. I think that's the best way to get to what you want and whether what you want is attainable.

7) As awful as you feel now, you can heal. Most of us go through a period of hell on earth and then start feeling better slowly, ever so slowly. You won't always feel as bad as you do today.

JUNE: I am so sorry you are here. I am sad for the loss of a multiple of family members in such a short period of time, especially your son. My heart goes out to you.

I, also, am a BS of a WW in a LTA. I know I struggled with why I didn’t see it sooner, what I had done or didn’t do to cause my WW to cheat, how could she do this to me…? I’m sure you have the same type of questions rolling around in your head like marbles. You need time and space for your brain to process this information. It will take a while because to your brain it doesn’t make any sense. The information doesn’t fit into the pre-formed holes of information processing. Your brain is trying to figure out what to do with this “smiley face” piece of information that usually goes into a slot shaped like a plus sign. Your brain will have to create a new place to store this information and a way to get it there. Again, you will need time.

You sent your WH to the cabin and I think this is a good idea. You both need some space to figure out what happened, why, and what you want to do about it, and that’s best done without you in each other’s faces.

Outing the A is a good idea. This puts everyone on notice that the secret is out and we all know what they’ve been doing. The only way an A can germinate, grow, and continue to exist is if it is kept secret. When the cover is gone, so is usually the A. If not, then the WS has clearly chosen the AP (Affair Partner) over the BS.

Keep posting here as we all want what’s best for you. We will help you any way we can. If you need to vent, want a shoulder to cry on, need someone to whop you upside the head, whatever, come here.

Just know that here, you are not alone.

Thank you all for responding! My H best friend past away August 2010 and AP contacted H to say he was sorry , then she called him 3 months later to go for coffee to see how he was doing, then they had coffee again 4 months later............... and such the A started as ,Just friends then .......

The anonymous letters all four of them said Your Husband had a A with OW from 2010-2018. I think she sent them so does he, some people think her H did....

I called and talked with her, she said it is over they have had not been in contact at all, I went and saw her a month later as I wanted her to see me and put a face to the disaster she has done to both families! she barely looked at me, it was the great satisfaction confronting her!

I do believe it is totally over I have checked phone records , tracked is every move and he is being transparent with phone and computer.

We both have read Not just friends, which is there total relationship its scary, along with about 8-9 other books. H has had some tough upbringing by father and a incident of being molested in 4th grade.

H is in intensive therapy 2 week, me IC and both MC.

Their relationship was not daily or weekly more like one month here and not for another few months, but then I believe times when they saw and talked to each other more often.

The reason I asked him to stay at the cabin was to give me space to hopefully try and figure out some of this....and when I see him too much I am so angry that I feel like its just not good for either of us. I yell, scream, hit him. Its not healthy for me. I feel like space is the right thing for now, he needs to know that everything is not ok! When he was at home I feel like it was just to comfy for him.

I realize I did nothing to make him cheat, this was his choice only!

He has been extremely remorseful and has given me written and verbal apologies for each wrong, lies, having a physical relationship with A, being late, starting relationship, not ending when I saw phone # in contacts, email from A ,bringing her to our home once, not respecting me, betrayal of me and our entire family.

Yes, we got tested for STD's which was no fun!

MC is good for discussing A as sometimes he doesn't always want to go over it again as he has been over it since he ended it 1 1/2 years ago and I am just discovery it.

I do like the idea of him writing down a detailed timeline of A.That its his chance to totally honest and get out all details.

I plan on going a D lawyer just to be informed.

Its just so overwhelming.

Thank you for all your support ~

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Going to a D lawyer just for information is ALWAYS a good idea. You are handling this amazingly! Take as much time as you need letting him come back home.

Hi June. You are doing so very well. I think your WH staying at the cabin is wonderful. It gives you a break and time to process. It takes a lot of time.

LTAs are so hard. There is an LTA thread in the I can relate forum. You are now on the infidelity roller coaster, there are many ups and downs.

Take your time, process and honestly assess your WH. Is he really remorseful. Mine. has regret for sure.

Then start thinking about what you truly want. Your future. Your choice.

Take your time. Make sure you know what you want. Then decide what you do. Your husbands choices are all his. I hope he is really working on his whys.

Lotsa hugs.

Practically my story here. I wanted to save the marriage so I did not separate from husband. If she is like my WH AP she sent the letters because she is pissed he dumped her. The AP was so positive my husband was leaving me to marry her she was pissed when he dropped her. She was planning on blackmailing him into leaving me but when I found out about it on my own she tried to get me to leave him so she could have him. Unfortunately it didn’t work out for her so she had to stay with her betrayed husband instead. You can work through this. It won’t be easy and it will never be the same. In some ways it can be a better marriage but you are forever changed.

Eight years is a very long time. I’m sorry you’re going through this horror. Take your time deciding what you’re going to do. As far as him having sex a handful of times, this is a lie. It must have been more over an eight year period.

Have you considered tell her husband? I mean if she sent the letters to you, only fair that you send them to her husband. Certified mail to his job so he has to sign for them.