SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just another idea to throw out there... I personally don't think it's all that unreasonable for people with a wide age gap to be friends.

I grew up in the bridge community and I've made lots of friends who are 20 or 30 years older than I am. We hang out socially. Common interests span generations and frankly, I think it's a positive thing when people make friends with people from different places and backgrounds- that's how we grow.

I would also not give up a friend just because my spouse asked me to. I think it's inappropriate for a spouse to do so. My husband has had a friend who was actively trying to destroy our relationship and while my first reaction was to demand that he no longer see this person, I thought about it and realized this was a terrible idea. It's HIS friend, not mine.

I chose to remove myself from the situation. This person was not welcome in our home, and I didn't want to hear about them anymore. If my husband wanted to go socialize, that was his choice. Eventually, he realized this wasn't a good situation and stopped it himself without having to resent me or feel like I made him do it. He's an adult, I obviously trust his judgment or I shouldn't have married him- I don't think it's appropriate to make rules for another adult or to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with.

So I don't think it's 100% that they are having an affair at all. Maybe they just enjoy mutual interests and each other's company, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. On the other hand, the fact that he didn't tell you about it? That would concern me. If I had a new friend, I would at least have mentioned him or her to my husband, or perhaps invited him along to meet the person.

He is displaying typical behaviour of a man trawling for some excitement. Maybe the current young friend has cooled her enthusiasm for him so he needs to look elsewhere. These men are very sick minded. In the case of mine his phone was FULL of women...just women he would meet at airports or in coffee shops ( he didn’t use aps but if he had known about them he sure would have tried) he was on the constant lookout . He would always smile at women he found attractive then if they smiled back he would go in for a flirt. Sick behaviour.

Not long after dday...and this is now over five years ago I was with him in a supermarket and I was watching a woman look at him. I saw him notice the woman looking at him and he smiled at her...she smiled back....she then did a flirty smiley look over her shoulder at him. I realised then this is how it all started...just that simple exchange and from there he would take it further....trawling. Of course we had a huge blow up after this. He said he didn’t even realise he had smiled at her. Idiot. It was such a subconscious thing for him. He had been doing this behaviour for thirty years and so it came naturally to him. At that point he realised a few things.

Firstly that he can’t do that anymore...it is like an invitation. Did he really want to go on living his life flirting with every woman he came across? Even if he did not want to take it further? Those behaviours needed to be addressed if he wanted to stay with me.

Now, here is the point...your H is still in the trawling stages and by his behaviour he is showing you he is on the prowl.

Your only choice here is to detach from him and as you said being in this stage of life you certainly don’t want to live with infidelity or him rolling his eyes at you.

He needs a HUGE wake up call.

So...read about the 180 and believe me it works. It gives him the message that you aren’t going to put up with his crap but more importantly you are going to detach and start to live your life just how you want to live it.

For me I found a wonderful community in yoga. I joined a health and wellness challenge. I found myself doing things that were all just about ME. It made my H realise a few things. I told him right from the start he is free to go and do whatever he wanted...he still had a few women on his fishing line...go ....I said...go and have fun. He went but he didn’t have much fun. He realised pretty soon that he was a selfish self centred idiot and the life he had with all of his girlfriends and PA s was just a fantasy.

Walk away....don’t look back.....leave him and his stupid infidelity fantasy feel good kibbles behind. Start to live your life for you. It is hard I know financially and I also had to go to the govt and apply for financial aid. It is humbling but it can be done.

Free yourself from infidelity and know that unless he makes you his number one priority in his life he is of no use to you. You need to be number one or nothing.

Walk away and gain confidence.

Xxx

Thanks zenkitty,

I appreciate your concern. I haven't backslid. Things are uneventful right now but I am maintaining my detachment from him. Not sure if he realizes it yet, but he will. If he speaks to me civilly I respond but I am not overly friendly. I won't maintain any conversation in which he is condescending or treats me like I'm the problem. I just walk away. I'm starting an online banking account just in my name and giving myself an escape fund, whatever I can stash in there without arousing suspicion, which isn't really too hard since he doesn't even know our bank password because he uses the bankcard but doesn't seem interested in knowing about the state of our finances. As far as the OW is concerned, I don't think about her anymore. It helps that she seems to be uninterested in talking to him. He may have said something to her but if he did he didn't "report" back to me.

And PSTI,

I didn't give him an ultimatum that he had to stop being friends with anyone. I just confronted him about the fact that I knew he was meeting this young woman behind my back, lying to me about where he was going, and I needed to know what the relationship was because I couldn't live in a relationship where he had dates with other women behind my back. He could have told me anything he wanted, he chose to tell me that it was just a friendship and knew that it was wrong to do it behind my back, but he couldn't really explain why he did that. I told him that he needed to examine why he did that. I told him that the relationship didn't just seem like a friends to me. He agreed and we haven't talked about it since. I haven't "confronted" him again but I have found out some things that have shown me that he still has an interest in interacting with attractive and generally younger women who aren't me. I am detaching myself from this, refuse to continuous drag or nag him about it but am preparing myself for another incident. To be honest at this point I think I would be more confused about how to proceed if I never discovered another one because I fully expect that if something doesn't escalate with the OW, there will be another one. He is still not facing or owning up to his own self what this is about. All I can do is take care of myself. I supported him through the loss of his job and was supportive of his professional loss of self-esteem. I don't think I should be expected to support him through his quest for excitement through risky, flirtatious relationships with other women. I didn't sign on for that.

You are on the right track for looking after yourself. Interaction with him sounds quite cool and somewhat detached.

The problem that I can see at this point is that he really has no consequences for his behaviour.

So he is thinking that this attempt to befriend a young female has not worked out so I shall head onto the next opportunity. See what else is out there. There must be plenty of young lonely fish out there I can trawl through.

Do you really want to put up with this behaviour?

The very act of him stepping outside of your relationship to look for friends is the biggest red flag.

Do you really want to be detached yet still play detective and try and catch him out in his next exploit?

Something to think about because even though you are focussed right now on looking after yourself he is still getting away with his behaviour with no boundaries.

This is like a train you are waiting for it to derail.

Just my thoughts...take care.

Xxxx

I don't think it's appropriate to make rules for another adult or to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with.

It's not about making rules for another adult and trying to control them. It's about setting boundaries for yourself. The other .adult is always free to do whatever they want regardless of you. You decide whether or not you're ok with what they are doing.

I am not a jealous or controlling person. I encourage my fch to have friends. However, if he had a friend who was actively trying to destroy our marriage and family, I would tell my fch that I don't like it and am not ok with said friend. Then, my fch decides whether our M or this friendship is more important to him.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 7:39 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]