SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. I just joined this site because I have absolutely no one to talk to about this...but that's another story. Been married 37 years. Spouse and I are both in our 60s and we have 2 grown children. He is a couple of years shy of retirement age but has been effectively retired for about 6 years since he lost his really good job and has not been able to find steady work since. For that time we lived on my salary but I was laid off my job about 6 months ago and decided to retire.

When he lost his job, our income was cut in half. If I say so myself, I was very supportive and tried very hard to pull him out of his depression. Even though I thought it was strange at his age, the one thing that snapped him out of sitting around the house and drinking was that he started d-jaying at a neighborhood bar. He didn't make much money but it gave him a purpose. Unfortunately, it also got him involved in a crowd that was much younger that him. They were all male, fellow djs and vinyl collectors. I really didn't think anything of it until I was taking his phone off the charger to plug mine in and I saw a text message from a female asking him to go to a movie. I clicked on it and read an entire thread of messages that though they weren't romantic were entirely too flirty and friendly. They didn't even sound like they were in his own voice. If I didn't know he was 62 years old, I'd had thought they were written by a twenty-something. I discovered that he has been meeting her here and there, went to a movie with her, and she keeps texting and suggesting they meet for ice cream or whatever. I investigated on his Facebook page and discovered that she is 30 years younger than him. Younger than our daughter.

I freaked out and snooped around a little more. Checked on his phone when I could. It continued and he was lying to me about where he was going. Again, it seemed "innocent" on a physical level but very flirty and just a strange friendship between two such unlikely people. I saw a text when he left his phone downstairs and saw that they were meeting at a local ice cream store. A few minutes later he comes downstairs and says he is going for a walk to smoke a cigar. I knew he was lying but I had to see for myself. So I waited a few minutes and leashed my dog and walked over to the café they were meeting for ice cream. I didn't know what I would do when I got there. I just wanted to know, wasn't in the mood to confront but I thought I'd have to walk in to the café. Turns out I didn't have to because they were standing outside the shop while he finished his cigar. I was across the street and they didn't see me. Fortunately my dog didn't either or he would have barked a greeting because he adores his dad. I just went home and I felt so blindsided. I couldn't believe he was such a good liar. In all our years of marriage, I didn't know that about him!

I held it in for a few days because I found an old tablet that he had misplaced but it had his Facebook and Messenger log ins so I was in business. A few days later she contacts him again and asks him to join a Trivia team with her at a local bar. I mean WTF? What 30 year old asks a 62 year old man to join a trivia team with her at a bar filled with millennials? He agreed to meet her there so I stormed upstairs and confronted him. I didn't tell him I had the tablet, he said I'd seen the first message on the phone and now, yes I was checking. And I told him that I saw him with her when I was walking the dog (didn't tell him I knew he'd be there because I didn't want this to turn into the whole "you're spying on me" bla bla bla.) He admitted to meeting her but claimed it was no different than if she was one of the boys. I told him that I didn't see texts from the boys in which they called each other pet names. I was actually quite lucid in confronting him. Usually I am very nervous in these kinds of situations and don't say everything I want to say. To make a long story short I definitely got the impression that nothing has happened. He said he would stop meeting with her and he was convincing enough that I believe him, especially since he claimed he didn't even really know why he was doing it. I told him I just didn't want to be lied to and I wouldn't live that way.

I felt pretty good but of course now I have the tablet so a few days later it happened again. I kidded myself into thinking that maybe he wanted to tell her in person that they needed to stop doing this. I decided to trust, but a few days later she asks him to meet him for ice cream and go to a music club with him and he said YES. So now I was furious and I marched right to him and told him I knew everything. He promised he wouldn't lie to me again but this time he seemed to be shifting some of the blame to me, that he would stopped hanging out with her because I didn't take it well. I got him to admit that it was strange for him to be having this kind of middle school type relationship with a woman 30 years younger than him and that I couldn't tell him what is in his heart so he has to examine it but I won't be lied to or live like this anymore. Then I didn't fight because I made my point clear. So I saw later that night that he texted her and told her he couldn't make it. But tonight she texted him that she was at their bar where he djs and that he should stop by and say hi. He just walked out the door and told me he's going to stop by the bar...so at least he didn't lie about that, but come on man. He can't stop seeing her. No matter what he thinks, he can't quit. So I've decided I need to take the steps on this site and start pulling away. I am too old to play these games with a rival 35 years my junior. But I need support because I can't tell anybody. My children and all of our friends think he walks on water and I am pretty sure would all tell me it's in my head. But I think I'm right about this. Even if he feels nothing for her but friendship, he's lying to me about it and he won't give her up. I can't deal with that and I'm explording inside. Anyway, that's my story. This is long enough so that's it. Thanking you in advance for this site where I can get these things off my chest. I thought I was going to explode.

[This message edited by marinasurprised at 9:27 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Yes, this is an EA, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a PA (physical affair), as well, especially if they're using pet names with each other.

My WH (wayward husband) had me convinced for about two months that everyone at work called his AP (affair partner) sweetheart, and that's why his texts to her said it, too. Turned out they were sleeping with each other for about four months when I first saw the suspicious texts.

If I were you, I would:

-find an IC (independent counselor, not a marriage counselor) to work through your feelings about this. One of the hardest things for a BS (betrayed spouse) to accept is that you cannot control your spouse. You cannot make them fight for your marriage, you cannot reason with them, and the boundaries you set are rules for you to follow, not them. That means when you say something like, "I will not be in a relationship with someone that lies to my face," that means they can choose whether or not to lie to you, but if they do lie to you, you need to be prepared to enforce your boundaries and walk away.

-get tested for STDs. Right now your husband has proven that he is willing to lie to your face, lie by omission and/or minimize. If they ever had 10 minutes alone together, that's enough opportunity to physically cheat. Explain to your ob/gyn that you suspect your husband of cheating, and therefore you need to be tested for EVERYTHING. Yes, it's embarrassing, but unfortunately if you don't explain or ask for everything, you might not get tested for everything. Also, not all STDs show up at first, so practice safe sex (condoms, dental dams, etc.) if you have sex with your husband. HB (hysterical bonding) is common. After discovering an affair, many people feel this primal urge to "reclaim" their partners with sone pretty intense sex.

-if nothing was going on, your husband would be going out of his way to drop this woman causing problems, and prove to you that you're not his #1, you're his only. Think of if the situation was reversed. If you were casual friends with someone your husband disliked and it was causing problems in your marriage, would you go out of your way to lie and hang out with them? Or cool your friendship with them and reassure youe spouse?

-meet with a few lawyers and find out what a solo future would entail. Knowledge is power, and the more you know, the less fear and anxiety you'll have about the possibility of divorce and what that future looks like. Many lawyers offer free or cheap consultations for info. Meet with a few to compare what they say and get a feel for someone you would be comfortable with.

-take care of yourself. Finding out you've been cheating on makes you crazy. 70+/-% of BSs show signs of PTSD (aka PISD or post infidelity stress disorder), and symptoms include hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, mood swings, insomnia, nightmares, weight loss or gain... I dropped 30 lbs. in about a month (and I'm a tiny person). Sipping on protein shakes instead of water throughout the day helped immensely because I had zero appetite.

Lastly, check out How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald, and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. HTHYSGFYA will help you ton understand the difference between a spouse with remorse and one with regret. Regret is, "I'm so sorry (because I got caught and it's annoying that you're on my case now)", whereas remorse is, "I'm so sorry (because I hurt you and broke your trust, and I need to help you heal from the pain and hurt I caused)." Not Just Friends will help you to understand how this happened. She gives an example using windows and walls, and right now your WS has opened a window WIDE open to let this woman in, while simultaneously putting up a wall between you two.

Infidelity fucking sucks, but you will be okay. Please post as often as you need, we're here to support you.

marinasurprised:

Sorry you find yourself here. It appears your WH is at least engaged in an EA. He is deliberately lying to you, deceitful and gaslighting you. Please read in the healing library. Read about and implement a tactic called the 180. This is not meant as a punishment for him, but a method for you to detach. You do not need to be mean or nasty. Just stop doing things for him. No cooking meals. No laundry. No idle chit chat. You are moving on with your life. Always value yourself. Get into IC. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Good luck.

I lived this for 4 years with my H’s first EA. He refused to admit it was occurring but I knew it was the whole time. Deny, lie, stonewall - all of it.

I know exactly what you are living.

He’s cheating. Lying by omission. He knows it too!

You need to get yourself a good support team and counselor.

Then you need to lsy it in the line - the cheating and lying g stops now. Or he needs to leave. You cannot remain being part of a triangle in your own marriage.

If he's met up with her so many times, this is definitely not an EA but a PA. Get him to take a polygraph and ask if they've been physical at all. He's in an affair with her, read up in the library about the 180. I'm so sorry for your pain. It's horrible to see grown-ass men acting like idiot teenagers. I lived through this and it's very painful.

Welcome Marinasurprised

This is absolutely an EA at minimum. You have just started to uncover the real truth.

You are absolutely right, that you need to pull away. Please consider making the following steps to show him you are not playing.

1. Go see a lawyer, find out your rights, and his obligations. Get a fundamental understanding of what a D looks like for you. Knowledge is power.

2. Call your Dr ask for STD testing, this will mean a pelvic exam and blood work. Also talk about the stress you are under due to this, and if you are struggling to sleep and eat, let your Dr know. Sometimes when you are in the early days of this a little pharmaceutical support can be helpful.

3. Read in the healing library here, learn about the 180, start implementing it. Demand more from him, and if he chooses not to stop, then blow up his world. Your friends, your kids, your family will soon understand that you don't care for your H's girlfriend.

Do not be afraid to tell him to leave if he can't stop. It is really hard to that, I know, but as long as you tolerate it, he will continue it.

IF this young woman has a spouse let them know. A's thrive in secrecy. When everyone knows about it, they tend to loose some of their luster.

Sorry you find yourself here.

He's lying. You know it. He knows it. And he's convinced himself you are foolish enough to believe the crap he's slinging.

Few things [and this echos what others have said].

Get tested for STDs

Don't believe a word he says

Expose the AP to any spouse or significant other [do not tell him you are doing this]

See a lawyer

Read the Healing Library - familiarize yourself with terms

Don't fall for his lying, deflecting, blameshifting, gas lighting. Call him on it every time.

Find your inner bad ass. You will need her. She's in there.

Sending you hugs, strength, and sparkles.

Thank you everyone. I did read the 180 and am working on starting the process. The first step I'm taking is to stop dwelling on what is happening. After reading your comments I recognize that the likelihood of a PA is much higher than I thought. I'm calling my dr. when the office opens for an appointment. The rest I have to process. I have adult ADHD and I have to deal with one thing at a time or I lose focus. But getting rid of negative thoughts seems a good place to start. It's been a long time since I have thought that much about myself although my husband has sometimes accused me of being selfish. (Ha.) If I can't do anything else, I can stop myself from letting it tear me apart. I feel so much better already having this group to share in the struggle.

Marina, it's good to try but just understand you may not succeed. Infidelity tears everyone apart. The negative thoughts are constant and overwhelming. That's normal. If and when you find out about a PA or just wind up in the land of "Can't Take It Anymore", those thoughts and feelings will get worse. If you can't calm down, that's okay. Just move on to the next thing on your list and try to work through the emotions instead of being paralyzed by them.

Sorry you're here. Most in your positions want to thinks it's just an EA but if there's contact it's probably a physical affair too.

Your H is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about this at all.

You are the one in denial most. Until you fully wake up to reality you won't be able to effectively deal with this.

You should inform her husband if she's married.

Nothing ends an affair like exposure. Affairs only thrive in secret and in the dark

[This message edited by Marz at 11:22 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

She's not married. She's single and free as a bird. She works as a bartender at the bar he frequents and is a deejay at a couple of times of month so I doubt exposing her at work would do any good. If it is a physical affair, they probably all know anyway. I think the only thing for me to do is assume the worst and plan my exit. But as you all know, it's not easy. But that's my plan for now. I don't want to live my life policing him. If at the age of 62 it's become so important to him to be a cool guy with the young kids what exactly can I do about it? He may even love me still in his own way as he says but he's not willing to give up this "new life" for me and the more I think about it the more I realize that I don't want to spend what could be the last years of my life living like this. So I am emotionally detangling just working on building the strength to do it. One of the first things I have to do is make new friends that are just mine. I'm going to volunteer at a book bank and possibly apply for a art time job at the library. I like working with kids and helping people. But none of this changes how hurt I am to discover I don't know him as well as I did, how stupid I feel for making so many sacrifices and allowances for him while he was going through his post job loss depression for 5 years! And I have to work hard at rebuilding my self esteem. Being laid off without even so much as a good bye lunch from my job of 29 years sure didn't help.

Google "Dr. Harley plan a plan b." I don't agree with a lot of what he says, but I think he's spot on with this. Basically -- if you think you do want to save your marriage, the best chance you have is to take a firm stance ASAP. Get your ducks in a row, then lay down your boundaries when you're ready.

Long story short, I kicked my WH (wayward husband) out and he lived with his AP (affair partner) for about three months. We had almost no contact with each other, despite sharing two little kids, unless it was about lawyer meetings or finances. We only communicated via email (I blocked his cell #) and my mom or best friend waited with the kids when he would come for pickup/drop off, while I'd go wait at a coffee shop around the corner. The more I shut down everything and blocked him, the more he tried to reach out -- he started waiting in his car outside of the house for up to half an hour to try to bump into me to make small talk about stupid shit.

A week before we were due to sign off on our (very fair, he agreed to pay me spousal support for longer than he legally had to) separation agreement, I finally talked to him after mediation and told him that I still loved him, but he basically fired me as his wife and I would not share my husband with another woman. Period.

He dropped her like a hot potato, begged his grandma to crash on her love seat (his whole family shunned him after I exposed his A, and his little old grandma only had a love seat and a recliner in her tiny tv room ). He used his mom to get in touch with me aince I had him blocked everywhere. He told his supervisors at work so he could get a transfer...

My point is, no one knows what the future holds, but in my case, my WH didn't pull his head out of his ass until I showed him what life without me would really be like.

The difference between then and now is amazing, and he's working on himself and is grateful I gave him another chance.

Maybe your WH will be, too. Maybe he won't because. Regardless, you will be much better off alone than with someone willing to betray you for their own selfish bullshit reasons.

You are getting smarter. When you bust ass to try and keep it together you just enable him further.

When you feed a cakeater they just want more cake.

Have you exposed to his/your family? If not do so it's really you're only viable option. Stop enabling any of his behavior.

Oh please. Seriously. A little late mid-life crisis.

Ice cream? She has daddy issues. Gross.

Start checking your bank accounts. He is probably giving her money.

I would give him 3 seconds to choose. Her or Me.

Life is too damn short to be so utterly disrespected by your spouse.

Get an attorney.

Your husband is currently in living in a fantasy land where he can recapture his youth and tap some young tail and you just have to put up with it.

Not how any of this works.

Since you're both retired and on limited income, I think it's time the two of you started doing things together, like walking around the park and going to the gym and serving at a soup kitchen together. The DJ gig has to go if your marriage is going to survive.

There's way too much independent behavior and he's not considering he should be going for ice cream with you, not some child.

Encourage him to invest in the marriage or make his side gig his full time hustle on half of his assets.

Thank you. Seeing the way you all see this situation is really helping me get my head on straight. He's gaslighting me. Honestly money is the biggest problem. He has no assets except a tiny pension, very tiny, and his social security. I'd have to give him half of my pension and to be honest if it wasn't for that I'd walk out that door right now. I'll check all the bank accounts. At the very least I'm positive he's paying for the ice cream! And drinks. I wonder if she knows that he has no money. He used to have a very prestigious TV job so she might think he has money of his own. My pension is sufficient for one household, but not two.

You need to get yourself to an attorney.

If he worked his entire career and you two have been married a long time, I'm fairly certain that you both get to walk away with your own pension. I believe in most states the other spouse is only entitled to your pension if they were a stay at home spouse or have no way to make their own $$. Not working is a choice to a certain degree.

Tushnurse. I'm in MD. It's a community property state but they don't split 50/50 if there are extenuating circumstances. He worked but he made the choice to not contribute any of his money into a 401K. He was always the type that spent what he got, although he did pay his share of the bills, but he never supported the family completely. Even when I stayed home with my babies for 4 years I was a freelance writer and made as much money as he did. And I covered the health insurance for the entire family for the 27 years I worked at my job. And for the last three or four years he hasn't worked at all because he won't take a job that isn't in his field. I do think I am entitled to my whole pension so yes, I will consult a lawyer asap. When I put it all into writing I feel like I've been a real sucker all these years.

He's not in denial. He may not call it an EA, but he knows that what he's doing is wrong. Otherwise, he wouldn't have lied and hid the friendship.