SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, since I'm not really an "active" poster like some of you are, lemme catch you all up.

Wife had an ea/pa affair with someone at her job. It ended because the OM's wife found out about it on his phone. She confronted my wife with threats of extreme violence, and she was nutty enough to actually do it if pushed. A month later, the wife came to my house to tell me. Never met her before or after. After I called my wife back home from work and confronted, I got in my car and headed over to his house. The guy had me by about 30 lb, but there is no way he was going to win that fight. one of us would have been able to walk away, and I'm quite confident it would have been me oh, because he would have had to kill me to make me stop. as I'm sitting there waiting for him to come out of his house, tears just started streaming down my face. I had this irrational Pole to get in my car and go to a church I've never been to. for those of you that have never been in that situation, you probably think that's a load of crap, but I'm not a religious person, and I've never been to that church. I talked to one of the associate pastors who happens to run the family ministry. He was able to talk me out of doing something that would jeopardize my family's future, and provided some resources, and his wife who co-chairs the family ministry called my wife to give her some resources. I saw him one time after that to thank him for helping me in my time of need.

Fast forward 2 now. Our family has been going to that church since DDay. One of my regrets as a parent was that my children had no faith base to grow on. They both loved it! We have yet to miss a Sunday, and they go on the retreats and all the stuff that the Church offers. Sounds awesome, and it is!

about three months ago, my son comes up to me and tells me about this new girl he's dating. He is 14, she is 15, and goes to the same church, which is where they met. Wouldn't you know it? It is no one other than the daughter of those 2 that run the family ministry! Really, God? That is who you pair him up with? Well, they come over to our house, or we go over to theirs. The mother and the girlfriend even came to the beach on our vacation to surprise my son and stayed overnight in the house that we rented. They really liked each other, things are going great.

Then, she goes to Myrtle Beach for her vacation with her family. the two of them usually FaceTime every night at about 10, but she missed two nights in a row. Wouldn't answer texts, nothing. I had a really sinking feeling about this, but thought that she's a teenager, who knows? She comes back, and they move forward after that snafu. Yeah, she has a lot of questions to answer, but they move past it. A few weeks later, her best friend messages my son and explains that she cheated on him when they were in Myrtle Beach. Her and some guy went behind a convenience store, and did what teenagers do. How romantic! The girl knew who the guy was, because the girlfriend saved his Snapchat. My son messages him, and he confirms his fear.

That night, he breaks up with her. Incidentally, I was coming home from a trip. My wife called me and told me what I would be coming home too, and that he really wanted to talk to me about the situation. Of course, my kids were sheltered from what happened between me and his mom. All of those feelings came rushing back, and really put me in a funk. Him telling me that he wouldn't put up with that kind of crap, and that anyone who cheats on their partner is a horrible horrible person.

It really upset me, because unfortunately, I know what that feels like. I still struggle with it to this day. Yeah, we are doing much better, in part because of her heavy lifting to make things better, but there will always be that asterisk on our marriage.

Not looking for any advice, just wanted to tell my story. Especially as I haven't been very active. We are all doing ok, but stuff like this outs me in a tailspin. Now, my own child has experienced this pain too.

(((HUGS)))

My children are a lot older than yours...and were grown and out of the house when DDay came. I wanted to shield them too...and 5 years later...they still don't know what their Dad...who they ADORE...did.

I have often wondered what would happen if my precious children would find themselves in a situation like this. I truly hope it is a cross they never have to bear. I am so sorry that your son is having to go through this so early .

My daughter just went through the same thing today...my husband has been carefully quiet about it - following my lead. He’s also being extra affectionate, I’m sure reliving our own dday as our daughter retells it.

Thanks for the responses.

My kids adore their mother as well. I've always been the one that creates the structure and rules, as well as the consequences if those rules are broken. Think "good cop bad cop". I myself have wondered how they would feel if they knew how Mom jeopardized the family so much? How close they were to losing their father. we will never know, because that is something that they don't need to know. Maybe someday, when our advice and experiences will mean a whole lot more than a 14 year old's romance.

Just sucks that we have to relive this experience. She has seen him cry over this, and try to explain his range of emotions, that he can't even verbalize yet. The selfish part of me wants her to understand the devastation that she's caused in my life. I'm not a selfish person though, almost to a fault (virgo traits fit me perfectly).

Just wanted to share this, in hopes it actually telling someone else would make me feel a little bit better. It is, so thanks for reading!

Kind of surprised to find you guys still together. I remember you showing up in the Divorce forum saying she had not done any real work, was still denying you sexually, etc.

As to your son, this is a good early life's lesson. Good time to talk to him about vetting romantic partners. Among other things, stay away from church girls, especially preacher's kids, except for when you want some easy good times. I grew up in the Evangelical church. Those church girls are freaks. Tapped some true honeys back on those days.

Kind of surprised to find you guys still together. I remember you showing up in the Divorce forum saying she had not done any real work, was still denying you sexually, etc.

Well, to be honest with you, when I posted there, I was actually talking to a lawyer. I sat her down, explained where I was at, and I think that really snapped her out of her "rug sweeping", or thinking that things were going to be fine on their own. To be honest, I was kind of giving up at that point. The truth is, she was trying to fix herself, but I wasn't seeing the results as quickly as I was hoping for. This wonderful "game" of recovering from infidelity is more of a marathon than a race. Her conflict avoidance is probably what started a lot of this, and unfortunately, old habits die hard.

That is so funny that you talk about a preacher's daughter. I lost my v-card to one. We are the same age, about 15, but man she was so much more experience than I was. Lol.

I thought I'd post as a child of a parent that dealt with a serial cheater. My biological parents never married but they hith dealt with betrayal in their marriages.

All three (one couple still married the betrayal was finances) have been supportive of me and WS. They see more than I do and Have been helpful and so encouraging To us both. Their strength and understanding has helped me to see that this is not my life but a chapter.

The love and care you are giving from a place of understanding is so valuable in making his journey bearable.

My oldest son's wife cheated on him and got pregnant by the OM and left my son after she saw the damage that my fch's cheating had done. I think knowing my son's heart was broken like that hurt worse than my own experience. It has been 3 years since that happened and I was just able to listen to their wedding song again last week.

I'm sorry to hear about your son, but I'm glad you were guided to that church.

Sounds as if God knew something you didn't.

It's horrible that it is happening to your son, but it will be a hard but invaluable lesson in his future.

Glad to see you are doing so much better!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:50 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

The one thing to remember is that your son is young, which means he has remarkable recovery powers. That doesn't change his pain now, but it bodes well for the future.

I hope his serves as some sort of inoculation for him, something that helps him grow. As a long lost friend used to say, 'Damn! Another FGO!' (GO = growth opportunity; you can figure out the 'f').

Well, luckily for him, he has no shortage of other girls that would love to slide into that empty "girlfriend" slot. That, and also he had school sports tryouts to focus on.

Kids are resilient. I see him sometimes kind of staring out into space. I wonder if he's thinking about her, what they had, why this had to happen? Truthfully, he's probably thinking about the next YouTube video to watch, or how he could skate out of doing household chores, but still, I digress. LOL

I think in a lot of ways, it affected me more than it affected him, just because of my history. Of course, I couldn't exactly explain to him how or why I had the advice to give him in that situation

Since you visited with her parents have you considered letting them know why they broke up?

I’m not suggesting “hi – your daughter is a slut” sort of approach, but rather one where you acknowledge that this age is the time when young adults start dating and experimenting with those feelings and emotions, that it’s OK that they break up and keep looking and all that… but… it would be better to stick to commitments and do things the right way. That you are telling them the reason why so they can – if they want to – talk to her about commitment and fidelity.

I think 14 & 15 year olds are way too young for commitments and solo dating.