First off, Everyone back off on laying into IamTrash. This is coming from someone who continually threw in her face how defensive and entitled she was during the affair and while posting. The RO is over on Hallmack's side. Talk to him about it, not her.
I would like to show you first how far you have come IamTrash. You used to tell everyone here how this would never happen again because your AP was a long lost love you had to reconnect with and finish things out. That you knew you screwed up but it is over now. That this forum is what was ruining your chances to save your marriage which was fine when you came back. Now you see your marriage with him is one of the lynch pins to survive with high needs children. That your husband while receiving some questionable advice, was drowning from your actions.
I couldn't believe I read you have used the notebook idea I threw out there to stop the fighting.
So you are working on putting pins back in the grenades, when he is triggered. That is great.
I think Hallmack is still too fresh to do what I did to get over mind movies. Even EMDR is too soon. That sometimes makes people come back really numb and makes reconciling tougher.
Did you write out the list (30 minimum) of the ways your BS is better than your AP and give it to BS? If so, perhaps recite some of those things while he is spinning. Also bring up new memories you have which are better than you had with AP. I think if you can throw a few ways to push down the AP it will stop BS from feeling inferior. Thinking about you in the moves, is always going to hurt, but that can't be fixed. He can't push you down because that won't help in the long run. So why not burn AP to the ground?
When you get some distance (time), I did see where someone (WS) wrote a letter to the person they were before the affair and showed it to the BS. She also had him do it, but it didn't mean as much to her as the letter she wrote herself. She saw the AP from time to time and she would think about the letter and add a page pleading and trying to convince her past self every time her brain slipped to the "Good times" she had with AP. Give that a little time though.
The mind movies are usually tied to something in particular (Trigger). Perhaps try to shock your husband. Maybe pinch his butt or give him a quick spank and a compliment.
Put yourself in his shoes.
He slept with your best looking friend. (Every girl has that friend.) When you were feeling sexy if you thought he was sizing you up compared to her, how would you want to be woken up? Try that out.
Good luck. Your marriage is already looking stronger, but you have a lot of work to be vulnerable around him. He has completely dropped the walls. You seem to hold onto a couple. How could you give him more control of the marriage. That safety might lower his guard more.
PS - Please don't listen to the legal advice you get on here sometimes. You 2 need to not tell the law for any reason the RO has been broken. CPS might be involved if the RO is shown to not have imposed boundaries after your sworn in statement. So quietly remove it.
You still have a chance to fix things, but it is going to hurt and be hard.
