SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I have seen some mentioned but what do most people do regarding keeping up with phone use after an affair?

If I want to be able to see her phone and everything she is doing on it what is the best way to go about that?

It should be transparent. There are apps you can install to see everything she does on her phone, most WS aren’t okay with that. I have s google log in account in my husbands and he knows he cannot manipulate without me knowing.

Ask her for it. If she doesn't give it to you immediately without any protesting, you know there's a problem.

It should be transparent. There are apps you can install to see everything she does on her phone, most WS aren’t okay with that.

Marie, why do you think this is? I have access and passcodes to everything on my WH phone, but he balked at the idea of an app to screen things in the beginning. I haven't pushed it since but thought about raising the issue again... however, I'm pretty bad about checking his stuff as it is and really don't want to be a phone monitor...

Think its because they think they'll cheat again?

Also as an FYI, unless you are willing to jailbreak the phone (my WH cannot due to his employment) a lot of the spying apps do not work to their full extent - not even close actually. Jailbreaking a phone is generally a bad idea if that person does any banking or anything that would be considered sensitive. Last thing you need is to have infidelity and some ass____ hacking your bank accounts.

My WH (strangely) not only agreed but offered - and then continued to talk to the AP in person and via email from work, that I could never check/never know about.

Monitoring is worthless to me - their offer to let you monitor is generally considered a good sign though. Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. Apparently my WH is a special kind of liar, even for SI.

In fact, if you are concerned the A is still ongoing, don't monitor and give the impression that you are not interested in monitoring, then set a trap (go out of town for a weekend and video/VAR the house and or car, GPS the car, set up a router log that monitors all activity on your router - there are now some that will catch wifi calling even on apps, etc) and leave, and check what your find out when you get back. Better than monitoring IMO - as whenever I would check I would feel terrible, nervous, and generally down. The trap was just a single day for me and it was over without all the hassle of monitoring.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

I'm really torn on this sort of thing. I think people need to have some privacy. If I'm having a personal conversation with a friend and it's her business, or even if say I need to be able to talk about my spouse- those should be absolutely private conversations.

There is a really big difference between privacy and secrecy. I understand that the WS has betrayed trust, but at some point you have to be willing to give them their personal space again. Married does not mean you're the same person and does not mean that you don't get to have some things to yourself. I would think that not having any privacy at all is seriously codependent. A relationship is two individuals, not one unit.

I could jailbreak. She is willing to do it. I am not sure though. At some point who is the prisoner? I am 100% sure no amount of control will stop anyone but if they have to jump through enough hoops maybe they will take a moment to think...doubtful but wishful thinking I know.

What I do want to do is have her messages sent to my computer. Mine do that now. She can log in at any time and see them. I want the same access.

It’s going to depend on the OS. iOS will require a jailbreak. Android not so much. If your messages already go to your computer, just sign in with her account on said computer and it should go there. It’s not full proof, but without installing malware on her phone it’s the closest you’ll get to want you are asking for.

The thing is that if you are keeping tabs on her phone due to a lack of trust and she is aware, then she will just use a different form of communication or a different app...

I used an app called WebWatcher. No need to jailbreak. It monitored websites, IM of a variety of apps (Facebook, IG, WhatsApp, etc.), phone calls, texts, email and a few more things I can't remember right now.

It all depends on the OS.

This is totally true. CaptainRogers and I discussed this awhile back if memory serves. The app he installed will not work well on an IOS phone that is not jailbroken, neither will most of the other apps. If it's not jailbroken IOS apps usually require uploading to the icloud. It's a hassle, doesn't work well, and honestly I think I looked at it 3 times during the period it was active on my WH's phone, mostly to see if he was updating to the cloud, which he was. It all meant nothing ultimately, as this is also 100% true:

The thing is that if you are keeping tabs on her phone due to a lack of trust and she is aware, then she will just use a different form of communication or a different app...

I would only add "if she wants to" to that last quote. My WH did (and does still I'm sure). We are divorcing and he still will not admit that his A is ongoing, even though technically it's not an A anymore on my end (the AP is still married to my knowledge so from that end, it still is - he's now "just" the OM instead of the OM/WH).

After DDay #1 I used an app called mspy. Its blind on his phone. I installed it while he was asleep. He never knew it was there. Then I was able to log into mspy portal anytime and see calls, texts, locations, email.

Then I changed his Facebook password so I could log in there anytime. He was always logged in on his phone. So he never knew. THEN. I had a tablet that I hooked to his phone that showed me photos. That led to DDay#2. And that was the end of it. Looking back. thank God. I was exhausted. And he was amazed I caught him. Really thought he covered his tracks by deleting. HA!

I think it was bc DDay #1 was a deal breaker, I just needed that confirmation he was irredeemable. My gut was screaming as they say here.

I was a huge phone stalker for years with his permission. Had all passwords, looked at phone bill vs messages and calls to verify he didn’t delete things. I spent countless hours tracking him. I did catch him in a few things as a result, but he figured out quickly to get new accounts and use the computer on incognito mode to get around me. Sure I could have put a keystroke monitor on that but that was a good sign that he cared much more about continuing on his disgusting sexcapades rather than my feelings and I stopped checking up on him altogether and finally realized reconciliation was not a valid option anymore.

Currently the WW has deleted all social media and I have complete access to her phone. I don't check much. She's never been too stealthy. No hidden phones, accounts etc but I have never had access to them before. She is 100% on board if I want to put a spy app on her phone.

I think we can get just as much mileage by just being observant to patterns in behavior. I wrote down a lot of things my WW was doing that I should've noticed. Now I look for those things.

I go back and forth on replying to this.

WH phone is 100% accessible to me. I know all his passwords. And I do check from time to time [sometimes frequently - sometimes no so much].

Bottom line though - the phone is just an avenue. Burner phones are cheap and easy to come by. Anyone who wants to cheat will find a way.

Trusting in a "phone search" is a false sense of security.

And since I have multiple DDays - I am wary of actions as well.

Proven Behavior Over Time is what I look for.