Whenever a BS asks why a WS would TT, I think to myself that no wayward intends to TT. We intend to lie. TT is just us "failing" at it, whether it's because we're bad liars, our BS are good investigators, AP throws us under the bus, or we have a momentary burst of conscience. But I'd be surprised if any WS ever thinks, "I'll purposefully let this out just a few devastating facts at a time." We believe we'll get away with never disclosing parts of it at all.
Of course, we don't characterize it that way. After all, criminals "get away with it," and we're just good people who made a terrible mistake. So we assign some kind of noble reason or rational purpose to our actions, a special circumstance that makes us an exception. I was certainly in that category. In fact, here's a list for lurking WS, entitled "What You May Be Thinking."
1. I'm sorry I did it, but it's just going to keep the pain alive if we endlessly rehash it.
2. Now that I've seen how badly I hurt my BS, there's no fucking way I'm making it worse.
3. My BS would leave me if they knew the truth.
4. I never loved the AP, and my BS would misunderstand the facts and make more of them than there really is.
5. I cared about the AP, and I owe them their privacy. It's over, and we agreed to keep what happened between us.
6. I've already given my BS the big picture, so the sexual details are just salt in the wound.
7. There's no evidence. AP and I are the only ones who know, so I'd be pointlessly putting my head in the noose.
8. I'll forget the A eventually, at which point it will be like those acts never even happened. In fact, did they? Really, I'm not sure anymore.
9. It's easy for you to say "tell," but you have no idea of the shitstorm that will rain down on me, AP, our jobs, our kids, our families, our friends, our finances, and our community standing if I do.
10. Of course you'd say "tell," because you all side with the BS. Yes, I fucked up, but I had no idea it would be this bad, and no one cares about the hell I'm going through.
11. You don't know the whole story. My BS isn't as innocent in all this as you think.
12. I want to come clean, but I've never been this scared in my whole life. My BS means everything to me. I can't believe what I did, and I can't face them and admit it. I just can't.
Here's the thing. Every WS here has thought some of the things on the list. I suspect that many of us have thought many of the things on the list. But no remorseful spouse thinks any of the things on the list, and getting to remorse is the point of this site.
All of the arguments on the list have one thing in common, and that's the underlying belief that you -- your priorities, opinions, preferences, fears, hopes, regrets -- are more important than honesty with your BS. You have to get to the point where you understand that nothing is more important than honesty with your BS. Because if you don't, you are deliberately and calculatedly setting them up for long term torture in your personal self-interest. Take all the frosting off it, and that's the cake you're left with. You aren't protecting them, you're protecting you.
I know because I did it. I was a nice girl, kind, loving, hardworking, an honest employee, a helpful volunteer, good with kids and animals, who tortured the person I loved most with an extended hell of uncertainty, insecurity, and self-doubt. How long did I do that? For twenty nine years. Twenty nine years, and yes, it's been a year of pain for me since D-Day 2, but it is a whole other level of pain for my BH. He gets to re-experience everything he faced in the first round, with the added horror and disbelief that his wife was capable of lying to his face about the extent of her involvement with another man. That she coldly decided to control the most major decisions of his life to suit what she wanted. We weren't married when I cheated, we had no kids, no shared finances. It would have been easy for him to walk away and start a new life, if that was what he chose... which, of course, is exactly why I didn't tell.
You need to face that the cat is out of the damn bag. You're here, so you already failed once at keeping your BS from finding out that you cheated. And we really do get it here, that you're in full self-preservation mode, thinking you can stop the tide. We know that when you get caught again and again in your lies, you don't think, "Look how this is destroying my BS. I can't keep doing this to them; I really do have to come clean right this second." You think, "Holy shit, that's more than I ever thought I could admit without them throwing me out. I can't believe that just happened and I'm still breathing. Now I'd really better batten down the hatches on what's left, because I know that it would bury me, and I've already used up more chances than I ever thought I had." And so the clock starts ticking until the next time your BS gets their heart broken, their world retorn apart.
Might your BS divorce you if you come clean? Yes. I can't lie to you about that. But the stunning thing on SI is the number of spouses who thought they would D if cheated on, who were absolutely sure of it, and don't. Because even though you don't deserve it, they love you. They love the life they have with you. And if you're lucky enough to have them at least try to stick around (and again, that's statistically likely, or you wouldn't be on this site), the only damn thing they ask from you is that you admit what you've done and stop doing it. Stop the cheating, stop the lies, take responsibility, get to work to figure out how to never do it again. Stop putting yourself first.
The list is meaningless. Work on accepting that, if you expect to get anything useful out of being here. Because if you're still TTing, there really is no point in saying you'll "do anything" to help your BS. What you mean is that you'll do anything that doesn't keep you from getting what you want. Really, that's not any different from what you did during the affair. It would be kinder to leave.
