SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks all, I'm feeling pretty clear headed today. Enough people recommended I consider fixing it or at least wait to decide when I was less heated, so that's what drew me down this path.

It has been an interesting path to explore, a bit painful but it has helped me think about and make the same decision again, but this time from a perspective of who I am and want to be, what my boundaries are, revisiting what it is I need from my partner, where I draw the line. How I need to best love and care for myself now and in the future. It was nice to have this different perspective rather than a decision driven just by anger,fear, sadness, and shock.

My therapist and others are saying that I shouldn't feel like I need to decide today. That said I'm going to continue forward with the divorce process,simply because that's where my heart is, it's already started and I don't see much downside. I do not plan on considering dating anymore. I won't totally rule that out, as people have said I can take my time to decide, nothing wrong with that.. but I really don't see that changing and don't plan to give that much more thought or waste energy on it. I think that decision will make itself before too long. I'm also cutting off communication as much as possible given the situation and will be focusing all that energy on myself and wellbeing instead. Thanks again for the support, still a ways to go but starting to see the light.

Thanks Odonna,

You make some very good points. I do agree and have thought about and will continue to think about this a lot. I do feel I am a bit more aware now than I was 6 years ago when I met her, but I've got some heady stuff to figure out. It's definitely a top concern that I want to explore in therapy. Part of me is also concerned I'll also be too guarded in the future because she either hid it so well, or I missed all the queues.. these weren't bright red warning signs (at least not to me, her friends or her family).

Now looking back, these red flags I saw, even though infrequent, I would hope would be enough for me to put my foot down and run in future relationships now. Looking back, even though these mistakes were rare, the nature of them and how they were dealt with did show character flaws regardless if they were brief or influenced by alcohol. The really good times, the connection we had, and the depth of the relationship we'd built clouded my vision and I ignored this and told myself 99% of the time things are great, people make mistakes.. I don't have answers yet, and again, I have a lot to unpack here through therapy.

Somewhat related to the above.. But based on some recent responses I do want to say that I've focused on the bad in these posts, because that is the situation I'm in. But 95%+ of the time we were happy, spent a ton of time together, had good friends, family, church who liked us both and saw no problems, nothing to be concerned about. I don't know if she knows why she did it. I certainly don't. Impulsiveness? Self destructive? Immaturity? Selfishness? Validation? Something wasn't clicking upstairs. I'm not defending her or her actions AT ALL, but if you're giving advice you should understand that in this case and I'm sure a lot of cases, the stuff surrounding the situstion isn't totally black and white, it's not a case of me being a perfect person, shouldering all of the load all of the time and her being a terrible person all of the time doing nothing. Now what is black and white is the affair. She made a fatal mistake and continued it, regressed beyond belief, or hid her true colors from me, friends, family etc for years. I don't know the reason, but I don't need to be a part of her life anymore. I don't wish ill on her, I'm sure she is struggling mightily right now, I do hope she figures it out for her sake eventually.

When you married her you were supposed to be her husband NOT her baby sitter.

Your wife doesn't sound like someone who's comfortable in her own skin. So she medicates herself. Getting in cars of people she doesn't even know? You bring up your concerns with this (and rightfully so), but she's now saying you're to blame for her behavior?

It's quite obvious her self esteem (based on what you've stated) was shit. She thought you were too good for her?

Well what better way to sabotage that by a self-fulfilling prophecy of cheating on you.

"She felt that I hated her"? Deflecting as she's the one who hates herself.

Don't beat yourself up over this and start second guessing yourself. This girl has so many broken areas in her life, and she KNOWS it but she's never had the courage to face it. She was broken way before she married you.

Hopefully she'll have the courage to stick with IC and to face her demons. She's not getting off to a good start however by not taking ownership of HER actions and trying to pawn it off on you and the marriage.

Hang in there and glad to hear that you have family and friends to lean on during this.

Thanks. Yes problems that I can't, shouldn't have to, and don't have to fix. I'll find a true partner eventually. Thought she was learning and growing up, sure looked like it... but apparently was just holding it all in until she blew it all up. What a terrible terrible thing to do to someone you "love". Still hard to believe.

Wish it didn't happen but thankful it's not worse. Not bad timing, have best job I've had, best shape of my life, best friendships and relationships with family I've ever had. Glad I found this forum too, you all have helped a ton. Just need to sell this house and find somewhere I can afford to live in the city now.. $$$

Moving ahead with the D process is the right move IMO. As TRDD said this may be a combination of manipulation and her therapist helping her justify what she did.

D is not immediate so you have time to see how things shake out but the fact that you seem pretty clear headed about it leads me to believe that you are moving forward without her and that is really the best course of action here. Almost everyone here will say the same line at one point or another : No matter what the problem within the marriage is, an A is never the answer. Keep your course and put yourself first in this.

Or, As Steve Harvey would say. " No one ever helped their marriage, By stepping outside of it." Good luck in what I am sure will be a bright future....

Thank you. Really too bad because I would have worked my ass off to fix whatever it was she thought was off in the relationship. The biggest thing I'll take from this is 50/50 responsibility in the marriage but 100 her responsibility for the affair.

There has been a weight lifted since separating. Looking forward to taking care of myself and eventually meeting someone new.

Have had almost zero contact over last week. Found she stayed at his place again over the past few days. Filed officially a few days ago after I saw that. Didnt need to see any more lies to help me make that call, but it stopped the waiting period I had started because she asked me to. She lost interest in talking through anything..I had too, but I didn't mind offering her that.

Texted her parents because I do feel close to them and respect them. Let them know I am open to talking or answering any questions they might have. But totally up to them. Not sure if there is anything else I should do or be doing. Open to any help there or on next steps now that this is moving forward.

Otherwise just focusing up on taking care of myself now. While working through the divorce process, picking up the financial pieces, putting things back together there. Therapy, working out, staying active, focusing on the now, step by step, daily improvement whether work or anything else and not thinking too much or worrying about the future. Strange that through all of this I feel my heart growing, feel more connected to others and want to help out and be kind.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you have progressed a long, long way in a very short period of time. The decision to split is a personal one, some people would forgive her immediately, while other never could. I think that you have taken a very prudent path and listened to what she had to say and considered various possibilities. Luckily she showed her cards and made it an easy decision.

I would imagine as you review the marriage over and over in your head, you will find that she was probably never very good at accepting responsibility for her actions. It was the drink, it was your standards, yada, yada, yada.

I do think that after it is all over you need to take inventory of the entire relationship and look at those things that you could have done different or better, so as to not repeat errors in your next relationship. It's a brave new world out there my friend.

Found she stayed at his place again over the past few days

So much for "I'll do anything to save our marriage".

You saved yourself a lot of continued pain and drama.

The advice "take your time and don't make a quick decision" doesn't apply here.

Full speed ahead and don't look back.

Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on your own healing. Stay no contact and don’t pain shop. Move ahead. “Never bother with things in your rearview mirror.” Good luck.

Pain shop?

^^^^^ watching what she's up to. Looking at her social media, etc.

These are all a form of contact you don't need.

Ah. You're totally right. Thank you.

I deleted all social media. But.. I've been checking in on phone records maybe once a day still... Was useful when I was looking for answers but I've seen enough by now.

Let that be someone else's problem.

On you get clear of the wreckage you'll be real glad.

Strange that through all of this I feel my heart growing, feel more connected to others and want to help out and be kind.

This, more than anything else, tells us that you are a good man and you will be OK.

Act on this to volunteer somewhere meaningful to you, and just continue to grace the planet.

You will be OK.

Seeing the affair never ended it seems they your gut was correct all along. It’s can take us awhile to hear the gut, take a bit to trust it and then even more to start qualifying it. You did great.

Sharkman brings up a great point about trusting your gut.

This will serve you well as you move forward in life.

As much as this entire thing sucks you've been given a HUGE gift. You found out now instead of years from now. Time is the most precious thing we all have.

You've handled this mess great.

Press forward and go live an awesome life!

Thanks!

Are there resources or suggestions on how to explain and handle the situation with fringe friends, acquaintances, coworkers, extended family?

I don't mind just telling people the short story.. That she cheated, and leave it at that..but I don't want to be a dick about it, make people feel weird, or have people pity me or think I'm an asshole for telling everyone or whatever.

This isn't on you but her so the short story is all they need to know.

No reason to lie or try and hide it.

You handled it well.

She's already went back for seconds and I might add that is who she is.

Keep moving forward

No contact is your best path forward. You don't have kids do you can go dark