SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been married for 14 years I’m 38 she’s 39 we met when I was 19.

The last two years have become a little rocky.

DD was in June.

Over the past 8 months her phone became quite protective, it went everywhere with her bathroom toilet. I knew something was up! In May I spotted a text whist on a family day. The text only asked what she had been up too. The message was set to hidden alerts (iPhone moon mode)! Very odd I thought. I quized her and she said she had no idea who it was.... a message set to hidden had to have had that person text before. Over this situation she ended our marriage, even told my 10 year old daughter! We tried to move on afterwards and things were ok.

June came and I found more messages from the moon number, non saved number! 💕Her name come see me I’m still in the *pub name*

I found these at 5 am while she was asleep I did comfort her maybe too soon as I had text the number saying hi. The reply came though after I confronted her, I grabbed the phone and everything was done to get the phone back, ran to the toilet. She deleted!

She in the end did confess as to who it was, an old school friend and only a few calls and texts had be made.

I then confronted him after seeing him in the street he tells me just like her is was 2/3 texts max and they had not been in communication for long, my gut feeling was there was something far more going on. On the day of confronting him I could clearly smell his aftershave, a strong smell one id not forget! A day later after a night at a friends house girls only she came home and I could smell that smell on her hands and tasted it on her lips. A girls night at a girls house how could this have happened? After investigating I found out she was dropped quite way from our home! She till this day is denying meeting this man swore on our children’s life’s!

He’s married with 2 children, her married with 2 children why?

I then made the call to go on to the live chat of her mobile phone operator and managed to get though. I pretended to be her I had the number and explained how my daughter had been using the phone, I asked on text numbers and calls. For the month in question 100 calls to him plus and 380 texts. I was horrified so told the guys wife!

Cutting out all the crap afterwards they say it’s just old school friends chatting, and over the top communications.

Between me and the wife we have found he sent her flowers in February! She’s heartbroken I’m heartbroken both my wife and her husband are showing little remorse.

I still love her and want to move forward and don’t want to break my family up however the not knowing is eating me up.

Lies told but the games afterwards have been hard to deal with, in at breaking point now. They both still denied anything went or or still is.

Hi Isles:

Sorry you find yourself here. I think your gut is obviously telling you your WW is in an active A and she has been having sex with him. There are so many red flags. Read in the healing library, there is a lot of good info. Get checked for STD’s pronto! You need to act firmly and with conviction. Your WW is currently in a relationship with another man. Your M as you know it is done. You need to detach from her to heal. Read and implement the 180 and stop doing things for her. This is to help you regain your footing not to punish her. See an attorney to learn your rights. Do not do the “pick me” dance. It makes you look weak in her eyes and it never works. There is a saying here: “ you have to be prepared to lose the M to save it”. Take firm action to move out of infidelity. Tell your WW you love her but you are not willing to share her and have three people in your M. She needs to do a No Contact letter that you approve to the OM. Keep in contact with the OBS to compare notes. You have enough proof. You can’t nice her back. Always value yourself. Good luck.

I’ve never experienced pain like it. Thank you for the reply.

I asked her to text him to stop all contact. A text was sent and that was that. After that text was sent another 270 texts were sent!! This was late June.

All I want is the truth which I feel I can’t and won’t get!

Now I’m feeling it’s me that’s had the A. I’m asked daily if I’m in contact with the wife and she’s asked the same by him.

Her phone is password protected now she changed the pin!

How do I get the truth? She says it’s a friendship. And it’s now stopped no contact for 2 months! I feel sick daily I feel low and worthless

[This message edited by isles at 7:46 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't have any advice, there are people her who are much better suited for that on this site. Just want to let you know, you are being heard and understood.

Isles, there are many ways those two can stay in touch. What you need to do is ask yourself if you want to live with your stomach in a knot for the rest of your life. Btw, you and the obs have no obligation to stop communicating. They did the cheating. It might be emotional, or physical or both. At this point take charge of your life. Look at what you can do to get out of infidelity. This is the weekend. It might be slow. People will come along with advice on how to get the info you need. Just hang on.

Drink lots of fluid(not alcohol), be sure to eat healthy food. If you need help with sadness, sleep etc. don’t hesitate to contact your doctor.

Good luck

isles,

It is her DECISION, her CHOICE to cheat, and it has nothing to do with you.

She is cheating on you (an active affair), and she is abusing you, using your love for her to keep you around while having her affair.

You can stay in infidelity and be in constant pain, or you can get out of infidelity. You can get out of infidelity through Reconciliation or Divorce.

Reconciliation (R) is only possible when the Wayward Spouse (WS) is remorseful, TRANSPARENT, stop the lying, and gives the full truth.

Obviously you Wayward Wife WW) is not doing any of those things.

Tell your WW something like this:

"WW, you are obviously having an affair and I refuse to stay married to you while you are involved with another man. If you were to terminate your affair, give me the whole truth, commit to healing the damage you have done and be transparent, I could consider reconciliation. Because none of those things are happening, I choose to leave this marriage "

You need to take a strong stance. You are a faithful husband and she’s a cheating wife. You are the prize. She is not.

Then do the 180. Stop talking to her. DETACH for your own sake. Consult with a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings.

Tell the Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS) that you are divorcing your wife. Tell your friends and family.

Take care of YOU. Post often, you have been heard.

Hi isles,

I am sorry you are here. What your WW is doing now is gaslighting. Look it up. She is making you doubt what you know to be true. She says NC but you know there were more than 270 texts since she said that. She has locked her phone and won't let you into it. She is actively in an Affair and openly defying you.

Do you know when this stops? When you stop it. This is a merry-go-round and she's pushing it. You want to end the ride? Get off. Tell her that you know they are more than friends, that you know she is still in contact and that you are done. You are getting out of infidelity. You do not have to catch her red-handed here. It should be on her to convince you it is not still going on. It is on her to be honest about what has happened. This is not a court of law. You can walk away right now if you want and you should.

Tell her you are done with this game. You refuse to play. You are going to be out of infidelity with or without her. Tell her you are starting down the path of ending this marriage legally since she has ended it already in all but that aspect. And then START! Talk to an attorney, line up your finances, start taking stock of who gets what and how things will split and file for Divorce. She doesn't think you will which is why she is acting this way. You need to be prepared to end this marriage to save it.

This advice is the only way to get out of this state of limbo. You want to "move forward" so here is the path. Out of infidelity. That path may include staying married if your WW gets her head out of her ass but it might not. I'm sorry for that loss if it happens but the most important thing is for you to get away from this unhealthy situation.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:57 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

The truth is:

She's been lying to you for quite some time.

She's been receiving hidden texts referencing meeting up.

She grabbed her phone from you and deleted texts so you wouldn't be able to read them.

You smelled his distinctive aftershave on her.

After her girls night, she was dropped off away from your home (how did you find this out? Did you verify with the other women that she was actually at a girlfriend's house? Not that they would necessarily tell the truth but you might get more information).

She received flowers from the guy in February.

There were numerous texts since she sent a no contact text.

Her phone is now password protected.

--------------------------------------

This is not the behavior of a faithful spouse. It clearly shows her unfaithfulness. If she actually had a casual, innocent texting communication with an old school chum she wouldn't be doing all of these things.

She is in the midst of an affair. You might never get her to admit it, but it's clear that she's involved with him. Swearing on your children's (or dead grandmother's, parent's, etc.) lives means absolutely nothing.

As others have suggested, read and implement the 180. Take care of yourself.

I still love her and want to move forward and don’t want to break my family up however the not knowing is eating me up.

Lies told but the games afterwards have been hard to deal with, in at breaking point now. They both still denied anything went or or still is.

You're in denial. Nothing unusual here. It's a full on sexual affair. The one thing all cheaters have in common is they lie a lot. That's all you're getting.

Until you wake up to reality you'll just get more of what you've gotten

Thank you all for the replys

I knew of the drop off due to asking the friend who was driving the car.

100s calls to another married man is this really a friendship ?

Not long after finding out about the texts I went to her work. A car which I believed was his was parked in the car park A large office block with many business’s. She did not expect me to turn up that day and looked flustered when I arrived! A quick text was sent! She asked for the door to be left open odd! The following day I told her I saw what I believed was his car at her work! She brushed this off loads of business etc etc.....

That day after me planting a phone in the car with find my friends on she drove to his work place 2 minutes from my home! He’s sat in my car with her! I opened the door much to her shock, I asked why she was there, she said she was there to apologise as I was about to tell him wife! For me that image just will not leave me! The same car was in that car park which I saw the day before

[This message edited by isles at 12:43 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

All I want is the truth which I feel I can’t and won’t get!

Her phone is password protected now she changed the pin!

How do I get the truth? She says it’s a friendship. And it’s now stopped no contact for 2 months! I feel sick daily I feel low and worthless

You know the truth. This isn't a court of law. You don't need evidence.

Tell her you want her phone to do a deleted text recovery. You can get the data by using Fonelab.

She won't give it to you because the affair is ongoing.

What you don't realize is you are accepting this at this time.

Denial will just keep you where you are. Limbo is a self imposed state.

STOP

Read what everyone is saying. Read it again. ALL of us have been through infidelity. All of us here. We know how it is.

Your WW is in love with another man. You cannot control her. You cannot police her.

You can control yourself. Beenthereinco has a good post above. Get you of infidelity. Do the 180. Talk to a lawyer, move towards D.

I wouldn’t need to investigate further. If my wife locked her phone from me and wouldn’t let me see it I’d divorce her for that alone. No transparency, no marriage.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 3:30 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Duplicate

[This message edited by CincyKid at 3:30 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

I’m sure, if she wants to save her marriage, she’d be most agreeable to a polygraph to prove she’s telling the truth. It’s the least she could do. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing.

The biggest problem you have at this time is you are just reacting to her actions.

Which have given her complete control.

Cockblocking tecqnigues never work well.

read the 180 ... Consult a lawyer, see what dissolving the marriage will look like for you, it will also show your wife you're done with the lies.

When your wife is ready to tell you everything and stop protecting her affair, then you'll know she is serious about saving your marriage. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

If you tasted his cologne on her lips and smelled it on her hands that really is all you need to know. But you have to really admit it to yourself. I think you are prolonging the state of limbo on the false hope that it may not be true. But that one piece of evidence is not all you have. There is SO much more!

So start the process to get out. If she “wakes up” there is much advice we can give you about how to make reconciliation work, but only after she puts the whole truth on the table and commits herself to full transparency on her phone and in her life.

Infidelity is anything that she would do or say with another person that she would not do or say with you standing beside her. It really is that simple, and she is being unfaithful.

She’s still in denial sadly. We had a long chat last night which ended up along the lines of me being blamed for telling lies about contact with the OBS. She also tells me I should hope that the OBS and her husband work it though as I have given the OBS so much doubt about my WW something which I’ve not, I just laid down the facts I had.

If she shared the truth it would have helped us both, first contact why so many calls, why get dropped off so far from our home. The facts are all there, why not just admit to the truth and find away forward. At the moment I have no idea what I’m getting over all I know is I love her dearly though my reactions and upset have lead me to say things I don’t mean, this has made her question how I feel about her.

[This message edited by isles at 7:03 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]