SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You need to start understanding that his lying fur 5 years is just the tip of the iceberg.

He needs to get to a counselor to understand why he chose to lie and cheat.

You need to figure out what you wish to do about your future. If he refuses to admit he has lied, then he will choose to continue to lie. And that may just be a dealbreaker for you.

Now is the time to figure out your future and what is important to you. Will he fit into that role or will you be forced to D and co- parent with him? Only you can decide. I suggest a good counselor just for you.

And stop listening to his lies about “fixing this” b/c the first step was not his choice. The first step would have been to be honest with you. Yet he chose not to. Therefore the rest of his promises may be empty promises too.

Open marriages don't come from cheating. If the WS is not sorry for the trust violation, then that is an issue that needs to be dealt with before you even consider opening the relationship.

Trust and honesty are the cornerstones of an open marriage.

In addition, the lack of concern to safer sex protocols is a serious issue. I wouldn't be having condomless sex with this man, ever.

If he truly wanted an open relationship, why didn't he negotiate this with you instead of cheating?

You need to wake up to reality and accept that he is gay!if it is all about him , I really don’t think you should force him to stay in a relationship with you..

This doesn't mean he is gay. At all. If he enjoys having sex with you, then he is probably not gay. Most likely, he is bisexual.

The number of married men, who hook up with other men, is astronomical. They do it for many reasons. Sometimes they're gay. Or curious. Or it's safer to cheat with men, because there are so many willing to hook up for NSA sex. Less chance of getting a bunny boiler. No needy OW falling in love and outting them to their spouse.

Check out the personal ads on Craigslist. Notice the hundreds of new ads,daily, from married men, looking for NSA sex with men. They're not all gay.

It's a lot more common than people realize

^^THIS (thank you, HellFire!)

QIA, I'm so sorry, but he's so busy covering up lies and living his deceitful life I don't think he's going to be honest with you, ever. If he is willing to risk yours and his own unborn child's health, he's not R material, no matter what his sexual orientation.

Please talk to an attorney to see what a D would look like - perhaps even file. You can always change your mind down the road if you so choose.

Hugs...

Hi Q,

Sorry to read about your predicament you find yourself in.

Sexuality aside, he is a cheater, gender or curiosity aside he is cheating on you, your children and the marriage vows.

It isn’t a mistake, he has planned this, the hooking up, the lies. Standard cheating, he isn’t confused. He has conspired for over five years to achieve this.

Please look at what is right for you. STD/STI checks, seek legal advice for your location so you know what entitlements are. IC etc. Your Children and you are #1 priority.

There are a lot of good advice being offered please consider they are speaking from experience, but some views may not seem applicable to you.

My only suggestion is not to make any long term relationship decisions so soon after DDay. Take it all in gather all fact that You need so to then make the call that is right for you.

Good luck, big cyber hugs

B4

An update- we went to counseling together yesterday and it felt pointless and again all about him because he broke down and even the therapist said there was no emotion from me. I dig a little deeper and got the information I needed to confirm what I knew to be true - that this was more than just sex, he saw this person way more than he told me , and that he went back after I caught him the first time. He is still lying and I know it won’t change. I just need to figure out how to go now. There is no hope even if he changes he needs to change for himself now.

I'm So sorry

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:43 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Questioningitall:

I am in a similar situation as you, my husband cheated on me with a married woman but the affair was over two years although I found out December 2019 and its still continued until July atleast -my think is the fact that he came home everyday knowing that he was two timing me .The fact that while I gave my best in this marriage - he was having the best of both worlds ,the fact that when we were not okay and I thought we were having marital issues in actually fact he was having some fun time with another person as a result deprived me of a good and committed husband -that for me is my biggest pain because in essence he abandoned me , he was selfish and self-serving instead of serving our union .

I do not believe that I will ever see him any different than a selfish ,self-centered, lying ,cheating human being. He did not only let me down but our two innocent kids are on the brink of loosing a family so for me if he could not think about the impact on us he should have atleast thought about his own flesh and blood. I have not filed yet because I am emotionally all over the place some days I feel love for him some days I don't like him but what I know for sure is that I do not want to grow old with someone I do not trust and who cannot protect my emotional well being .

I am clear that the fact that he could for two years lie in my face and allow me to be robbed of a decent husband -that he is not who I thought he is and it is painful to come to that realization but I do not want to fool myself even though I still have feelings for him.