SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gamer

Of course it’s not ok because you’re not s dummy and it’s hard to believe in your heart you’re actually convinced that she has not done this or worse on the past . You only know what she told you under duress

I said it once and I’ll say it again . No woman with any brains in today’s age accepts dick picks and responds with titty pics from a guy she’s know for a week or two unless she’s totally confortable with it. The overwhelming percentage of women , even those who flirt , would be freaked out getting dick pics that quickly no less responding positively.

If your MIL is so anxious for R let her pay for a polygraph test so you know what you’re actually dealing with for sure

I get that. But due to her poor boundaries and naive/oblivious behavior, what if she falls for the next guy to shower her with attention? Really leaves you with no good options and feeling worthless to your partner. Eventually it would have happened.

This is a tricky one. No obvious answers. I hope you stay calm and get to a mutual decision. Maybe do a joint counseling session. You guys weren't able to create a functional relationship with you present full time. Maybe work on that. As I said, tough decision.

The bottom line is your trust has been broken. What are her actions to make you feel secure? Forget what she says. What is she doing different? Does she show she’s repentant? It’s extremely hard work to win that trust back. If you see that she’s not willing to work at it, save yourself the grief and just get divorced. Move on and find someone else. Or if you feel like you just can’t trust her again, which is understandable, then just end it now, and move on to someone better and more deserving of you.

GamerJoe

1. File. The process takes a long time. She has to prove herself a safe spouse by her actions in that time. It can be called off.

2. Polygraph.

3. Her reply to the dick post was deserving of divorce. If she doesn't understand that then she has no understanding of what she has done. Since it was with a co-worker that she would see every day, that makes it worse.

4. Stay strong, courageous , and confident.

I have postponed filing. We are still living apart. She moved in with her sister. She is sad. I am sad. She is actively pursuing me and as far as I know, is going to therapy. I'm keeping my distance, texting occasionally and I did meet her for coffee last week to talk. She wants to remain married, but I don't know what the hell I want.

Clarity will come with time. You're doing the right thing.

Putting some thought into it. Jumping in and rugsweeping can get you a repeat. You've already had one.

Maybe this will help her grow up.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:39 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

I said it once and I’ll say it again . No woman with any brains in today’s age accepts dick picks and responds with titty pics from a guy she’s know for a week or two unless she’s totally confortable with it. The overwhelming percentage of women , even those who flirt , would be freaked out getting dick pics that quickly no less responding positively.

Yup

Even when I was completely single, I wouldn't have done that. Not that quickly. I didn't even send my boyfriend pics like that until we were well established as an actual couple and I trusted his discretion completely. To respond like that as a married woman to another man is unthinkable to me.

OK, so I may get in trouble for generalizing here, but I'm just going to say it. I've been on SI for a long, long, LONG time, and I've noticed this tendency on the part of some of the men here to sort of . . . infantilize the wayward wives in ways that I don't think the betrayed wives here generally do toward the WH. And I have noticed that it seems to generally be applied toward the more attractive women.

It doesn't sound to me like GamerJoe is doing that - I don't know your complete backstory, Joe, but from what I read here, it sounds like you're doing a really good job of sticking to your boundaries. I really admire you for doing what you said you were going to do after you discovered the second offense. But some of the other posters. OK, yes, she's an attractive woman used to leveraging her attractiveness . . . you learn BOUNDARIES when you are married. I'm not saying I'm super hot, but I'm fairly attractive and more importantly have spent my entire career working almost exclusively with men, and in situations where I'm almost always the youngest person in any room. Even now at 39 that's the case. When I started working in this industry at 22 I was a literal baby compared to everyone else. So yeah, it was really easy for me to get attention, more than I wanted. But I shut it down BECAUSE I WAS MARRIED. That was something my attractive WH just couldn't do because he had shit boundaries.

I've seen it over and over through the years. Oh, she couldn't help it because XYZ. It wasn't her fault because this. I saw one poor fellow explaining that the affair wasn't his wife's fault because she had had a first trimester miscarriage and was distraught and couldn't be held responsible for her actions . . . well I've had four and managed to keep my clothes on, so my head started spinning at that point. I do think it comes from a good place, I really do. A desire to be compassionate. But I think it's a uniquely BH thing to be emotionally manipulated in this particular way. It honestly reminds me of that scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where Roger, after looking at the pictures of Jessica playing pattycake, declares that someone must have made her do it. (I mean, in that case he was right, but let's ignore that fact ).

I see this trend on here and it really makes me sad. Because I think the BH who have this mindset are SO loving and SO forgiving. When I was going through the worst of it with my WH, I would feel so sad for these men who were pouring so much love and compassion and attempts at understanding into a broken vessel, but it also gave me hope. My ex had so little empathy and love but I saw that there were men who did. I just don't want to see these good, kind men giving their WW a pass. Hold these women accountable for their actions JUST like you'd tell us BW that our WH are full of shit when they try to manipulate us. Don't give them a pass because they have pretty faces or they can cry on command when they need to. Please. Don't fall for their shit.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:17 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Marz is absolutely on the money. Time is your ally here to give you clarity. She is pursuing you and getting therapy, all good steps for her growth as a person whether you continue with the separation and D process or not. She is seeing what she can lose because of her actions and she is sad. Good. Maybe this will help her mature. Keep on keepin on. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:47 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

I have started to work out more, go out with friends and all-around keep myself busy. I did tell her when we went for coffee that I thought we both needed space and that if she decided to pursue another relationship, I'd go ahead and just file. She says she wants me. So I guess time will tell.

Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone.

It sounded like the first episode she didn't learn much if anything. That's probably partially her and when you rugsweep these things it can just enable their behavior.

People do learn how they can treat you. If you don't accept crossing a line they tend to respect that for the most part. If not then you don't need them anyway.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:50 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Time is on your side Joe. You get to watch her actions while apart. Let her pursue you!!! We always say that actions speak louder then words. Give her hints to work on her poor boundries. Continue with your coffee meet ups. And of course stay busy yourself.

I plan on keeping things neutral without completely shutting her out. I do miss her, and I do smile whenever we text for the most part.

You can't make her into a safe person. Only she can do that.

Why would she ?

A good start is your boundaries and unwillingness to back down from them. If she truly wants you and the marriage she knows what she needs to do. Words are meaningless.

Take the time and see if this is what you want and do her actions warrant anything. Anyone can put up a front short term.

As you've witnessed living with infidelity of any kind, being a marriage warden isn't worth it.

Good luck

How do you plan on monitoring her or knowing if she relapsed or not separated? Thats kinda difficult.

Just complete the D before you reach that ten year mark, then she can pursue you via dating if that’s what you both desire.

You do not have to remain married to her, even if you want to work on your relationship.

I have postponed filing. We are still living apart. She moved in with her sister. She is sad. I am sad. She is actively pursuing me and as far as I know, is going to therapy. I'm keeping my distance, texting occasionally and I did meet her for coffee last week to talk. She wants to remain married, but I don't know what the hell I want.

I am not suggesting you file or not file. But so far all you know if what she has told you.

Her behavior does not seem like a "first timer". just suggest a polygraph and check the reaction.

If she resembles Casper The Ghost or gots batshit on you that should tell you something. Her answer should be when and where doo we take the test.

And what kind of advice is she getting from her sister. Last thing you want to hear is she hooked up going out with her sister because she thought you guys were doner.

Joe, GET THE TRUTH. no one here believes the truth always come out with no pulling teeth, especially in a case with piss poor boundaries like she exhibited.

Hi Joe;

It doesn’t hurt, to keep the communication doors open.

You both are going through a tough period.

Look within yourself, take on board what others advise we all have personal experiences that may assist. But it is up to you two what is best for your marriage.

Maintain boundaries, exercise, keep talking to her. One day at a time.

Good luck.

Joe

I’ve said this on a few threads lately.

Make no commitments but tell her that rebuilding your relationship into one that you feel safe in starts with her putting together a real plan to repair the damage she created, help you heal and to make you feel safe for the next 50 years.

Ask her to put together a first draft of such a plan and ask to review it with her in a week. Again, promise nothing but tell her any chance she has starts with doing that.

Let her know that such a plan should have at least 15-20 steps and she should do thorough research to develop it.

Tell me, has she been going to IC? What does she say about it?

Take care

Good luck and do what you feel is right for you.

Am in favour of R, if both parties are 100% onboard.

Good luck

Buffer

We're still separated, still in limbo and really not moving in any direction. I spent Thanksgiving with my family this year. I had spent Thanksgiving 3 years out of our 8-year marriage alone, on the road, but this year just felt extra lonely. She approached me shortly after and said she didn't want to spend Christmas alone without me. I agreed because I really do want to spend the holidays with her.

I find myself texting her more and more. We hang out quite often. We even started having sex again. I'm trying to pull back, because I don't want to be sucked back prematurely, but it feels wrong.

I am going to wait until the new year to make a firm decision.