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This is obviously an extremely painful and important topic as affairs give that intimate special piece of a marriage away, and it is hard to reclaim--maybe even impossible for some. But one thing that may help to reclaim the intimacy of the sexual bond is dispell what I feel are some perpetual myths:

Myth 1: the sex was special

Myth 2: the person was special

In my experience, neither are true. Oh, I wanted them to be true during the fantasyland and justification time period, but that is not the same as that they were true. They were not. These myths were always myths. In fact, I can even recall many moments of unflattering truth coming through during the A, where he looked really bad in a certain ugly shirt or said something stupid or rude to someone, and I remember thinking, "Wait, am I sure this person is special? [Long pause] Yes, of course they are! We are meant to be!" And that's not even counting how lousy the sex was. My thinking it was good was projection of that I wanted it to be good, but it wasn't. I lied to myself a lot because I needed the fantasy escape.

Am I crazy or right? If your A is over and outed, do you believe the sex and/or the person was special? Or do you admit that none of that was true? If you are not out of the A and not in remorse, please don't respond as you are still in the lying to yourself phase ("No, your body odor doesn't bother me at all! It's like flowers!") that has nothing to do with truth. I am ten years out of the A, and these two myths break my heart. Watching betrayed spouses struggle with the wondering is so upsetting to me because I know that affairs are crimes of opportunity untested by the trials of reality. What do you think?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:59 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

In my case, they are both true. 🤷🏻‍♀️ No cookie-cutter answer fits all.

It exists independently from the fact that having an affair was wrong. One does not exclude the other.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:04 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Myth 1: the sex was special

Myth 2: the person was special

No, I have said this everywhere...For me the "affair feelings" came right after a long period of time when I was depressed and emotionally flat. Those "good feelings" were then made out to be something they weren't. And, I grabbed onto them and held them because I was so tired of feeling like shit. (We all know that just leads to another time of feeling way worse than all of that combined - it solved nothing but instead made everything worse).

The next part always ends up sounding like minimizing, or lies from a WS - but like you I would think negative things about the AP but then turn around and ignore them. His selfishness, his lack of really trying to know me. Certain times he looked really physically unattractive to me. I had a name sometimes for him in my head for those times. Yet, all the while I was still projecting who I wanted him to be. Grasping at straws in many ways to keep those good feelings coming.

Having an affair is a lot of self-adulation. It's a lot about having a renewed picture of yourself of being something that you are really not but wish you were. And then getting another person to believe it too. A lot of it for me was wanting the AP to make me feel as if I were special, and if he didn't think it then I wasn't. It was really sad, pathetic, unhealthy, so it's not surprising when I look back on it there was nothing sexy about it.

It could have probably been with just about anyone at that point. It had nothing to do with who my husband was or wasn't - who the AP was or wasn't.

It was all about who I was and who I wasn't. So, yes, for me those are both complete myths.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:28 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

DarknessFalls, could you explain? Are you saying sometimes the sex is special? And sometimes the affair partner is special? I don't know any waywards who believe this, even one person who married his A partner.

Neither was true for me.

The person I was with was different and I acted differently sexually, but it wasn’t special. Mostly because it was much more about me than it was about him.

I guess what I’m saying is that what’s true is that I felt special during my A.

And in the end that was a myth too.

Yet, all the while I was still projecting who I wanted him to be. Grasping at straws in many ways to keep those good feelings coming.

Oh, yes. I remember once seeing some friends from work in the distance. I thought, "What will I say when they ask, 'Him? You broke your vows for him?!' I know they won't understand. They just don't get it."

I could glimpse logic and objectivity, but to embrace it and own it would have been to pop the bubble I was hiding in. So I wouldn't do it. I felt safer hiding from the painful truths in myself and in my life.

I guess what I’m saying is that what’s true is that I felt special during my A.

And in the end that was a myth too.

Yes, me too.

Sure, I can explain. The AP was my ex whom I had loved for years. Of course he was special, and so was the sex. I can’t conceive of NOT having thought he was special—if he weren’t, why the hell on earth would I be having a physical and emotional relationship with him?

I fucked it up by not having the guts to divorce my H rather than having an affair. By the time my H found out and divorced me, I was too ashamed to continue a relationship that would have contained an affair between the bookends of legitimacy.

Oh, yes. I remember once seeing some friends from work in the distance. I thought, "What will I say when they ask, 'Him? You broke your vows for him?!' I know they won't understand. They just don't get it."

YES. I hadn't ever articulated it quite that way before but I thought in my head, if I end up with him, no one will understand at all. They will tell me what was I thinking? How superior my husband was to him. I figured my folks would disown me as he was more their age than mine. I pushed all that aside, and just focused on looking pretty for that selfie.

I see, DarknessFalls. I have several long term exes and do not view them the way you do. My AP was also an ex that I reconnected with. I consider your views to be very problematic for your M, but to each his own if you and your H are not bothered.

Are you in IC to address these feelings of perpetual fondness?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:44 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

OwningIt,

I’m not sure what you mean by “feelings of perpetual fondness.” Are you referring to my feelings of 10 years ago at the time of the affair?

As I said, my H divorced me after discovery. When he wanted to get back together (another situation of fondness for an ex ), his opinions about anything having to do with pre-divorce matters were irrelevant to me.

I am still confused, DF. He knows that you view the ex as special and sex with him as special? And that you didn't continue with the ex out of shame in its origins? And he is fine with you harboring those feelings?

You say this is how you feel.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:49 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

In my case, they are both true. 🤷🏻‍♀️ No cookie-cutter answer fits all.

It exists independently from the fact that having an affair was wrong. One does not exclude the other.

This is true unless you are keeping this info from the H that got burned the first time. Are you?

OwningIt,

This was 10 years ago. I don’t know what he thinks about how I felt and behaved 10 years ago. I have no earthly idea what he thinks and feels about anything from 10 MINUTES ago.

I am confused too—why would I care what his opinion was about something from 10 years ago that he divorced me over?

why would I care what his opinion was about something from 10 years ago that he divorced me over?

Your lack of empathy and remorselessness with this comment leaves me stunned.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:56 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

He divorced me. Once he remarried me, it became like any other new relationship after a divorce. We both agreed to that.

DF, because he divorced you over this very issue--this very PERSON--is the exact reason you would be completely open, honest, transparent and forthcoming. How can you not see that?

OwningIt,

He knew at the time of discovery how I felt. I don’t know how much that factored into his decision to divorce—I believe most of the decision to divorce was due to the fact that I had cheated on him at all—not necessarily the who, what, why.

The part I’m not understanding about your questions is the open, honest, transparent, forthcoming in the NOW. This has been over and done for a decade. I truly don’t understand what it has to do with now.

I fucked it up by not having the guts to divorce my H rather than having an affair. By the time my H found out and divorced me, I was too ashamed to continue a relationship that would have contained an affair between the bookends of legitimacy

I feel so sad because I honestly did not realize that you feel your only mistake was not divorcing your H so that your relationship with your ex could have existed legitimately. Not dumping your H is your "fuck up," as you say here, which indicates that your ex was your plan A and your H is an unaware Plan B, a husband you are stuck with because you don't want the shame of ending up with an affair partner.

Just wow.

Ok then.

I hope you will eventually get the guts to leave your H and let him have a wife who loves him above all. That is what true empathy for another human being looks like.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:12 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

OwningIt,

I don’t know where the disconnect between us is coming from. I will assume the miscommunication is mine, somehow.

All of this became known to my H, at the time. (At the time of his discovery of my affair.) He made the decision on D-day to divorce me. He did not elaborate on whether he was divorcing because of simply my cheating on him itself, because of the exit-affair intent of mine, the fact that he had been so-called “Plan B” in marriage number one in that I would have preferred to marry the AP (pre-affair; pre-marrying anybody), etc. I don’t know his combination of reasons.

Once he divorced me, our lives were no longer each other’s business. When we remarried years later, the affair was, according to him, a non-issue. He was not “Plan B” when we married the second time.

I am not saying the AP is special to me NOW, at this minute. I was replying to your original post with my thoughts as they were at the time of the affair. I remember September 2009 vividly. At the time, yes, he was still special to me and yes, at the time, so was the sex. Acknowledging that it was morally wrong to commit adultery and hurtful to my H to cheat on him does not magically change what I thought and felt when I was doing so. I am glad it works that way for some of you. It doesn’t for me.