SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know if it's already been suggested,but you need to get some security cameras set up throughout your house. You also need to carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times.

Your wife will do everything she can to make you the bad guy. To your kids, and her family and friends. False DV charges are extremely common with wayward wives, once they're about to be exposed.

Protect yourself.

Long time lurker here, figured I'd chime in.

I agree with Buster123. I'd still keep things vague for your kids benefit. Tell them that she's a serial cheater and has been apparently been doing it for quite some time. That it's become apparent that you both can no longer remain married.

Wanting them to know the general idea as to why your getting divorced is understandable. Better that then to let your STBXW control the narrative and possibly paint you in a negative light.

Congratulations for standing up for yourself and sticking to your plan.

Have you been looking for someplace to go? As you have made it clear you are divorcing and you said your WW owns the house, I would expect you will want to move out as soon as possible. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd start that search soon. You never know when your WW will really lose it. A VAR is a must. You need to have a place to go in an emergency.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet your WW will try to talk to your kids behind your back first to try to control the message.

HellFire

I don't know if it's already been suggested,but you need to get some security cameras set up throughout your house. You also need to carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times.

Your wife will do everything she can to make you the bad guy. To your kids, and her family and friends. False DV charges are extremely common with wayward wives, once they're about to be exposed.

Protect yourself.

I will hide a small camera in the room where I know we will all be sitting. I will keep my iPhone dictation app running during the conversation.

TheMockingbird

Tell them that she's a serial cheater and has been apparently been doing it for quite some time.

Tonight I am going to tell my WW that when we sit our daughters down I plan on telling them she has been unfaithful so I am divorcing. Nothing more than that. Not how many men or for how long. I will also tell her that I know almost exactly how many men she has had contact with over the past four years and that I have the evidence all ready to go should she decide to be an asshole during the divorce. I will tell her that I plan on being more than fair and equitable in the divorce, but that she should start looking for full time work now instead of later.

Tigersrule77

Have you been looking for someplace to go? As you have made it clear you are divorcing and you said your WW owns the house, I would expect you will want to move out as soon as possible. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd start that search soon. You never know when your WW will really lose it. A VAR is a must. You need to have a place to go in an emergency.

I will be moving here to my place of work for a while if she gets testy this weekend. There is a room with a bed behind my office, along with a shower room, that I sometimes use when I have to stay late for work or during bad weather days when I can't make it home. I can stay here for a couple days. I might move into an extended stay hotel for a time until I find a decent place to live.

If she behaves herself then I will stay a few more weeks until I have found a decent place. I'm taking my time to find a condo or apartment. first it has to be a decent place for my daughter to come and stay on the weekends or whenever I get her. Then I have lots of work stuff and personal belongings that I will need to move into storage, so that will take some time.

ButForTheGrace

If I were a betting man, I'd bet your WW will try to talk to your kids behind your back first to try to control the message.

If she does that she's toast, and I will let her know that tonight.

[This message edited by Westway at 3:29 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

You need a camera and a Var NOW. Today. You are a walking target. She can accuse you of DV at any moment. A camera during the talk with your kids won't protect you if she accuses you tomorrow.

You don't have to be in the same room,for her to accuse you. That's why cameras throughout the house is the best bet. Not long ago, we had a BH posting here,who was falsely accused. He was sitting on the couch,hadn't spoken to his wife all day, when she suddenly came downstairs, hair a mess, mascara streaked, and opened the door to police officers who were about to knock on the door. She told them he had been shoving her around and threatening her. He was arrested.

She does not want her family,or kids to know the truth. She will strike first.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:27 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

You need a camera and a Var NOW. Today. You are a walking target. She can accuse you of DV at any moment. A camera during the talk with your kids won't protect you if she accuses you tomorrow.

You don't have to be in the same room,for her to accuse you. That's why cameras throughout the house is the best bet. Not long ago, we had a BH posting here,who was falsely accused. He was sitting on the couch,hadn't spoken to his wife all day, when she suddenly came downstairs, hair a mess, mascara streaked, and opened the door to police officers who were about to knock on the door. She told them he had been shoving her around and threatening her. He was arrested.

She does not want her family,or kids to know the truth. She will strike first.

I'll keep a dictation recorder on and in my pocket tonight when I talk to her. I'm going to call my P.I. and see what he would recommend for cameras.

Very good!

Stop telling your WW your future plans. No reason to give her a heads up. What you plan to tell the kids is the truth and that's all she needs to know.

You're not paying attention. I'm telling all of YOU this. Not her.

I'm not telling my WW anything, other than I know pretty much exactly what she has been up to and that I have proof of it. That's it. Nothing more. Not my plans, nothing, nada, zip. When I am ready to move out I will just move out. She'll come home one day and find the 3 Men and a Truck van in front of the house with guys loading my stuff up.

And if she gets smart or greedy in the D, I'll have my lawyer smack that binder down in front of her lawyer and say "Wanna play hardball? We'll play hardball." And then we'll go for full custody of my daughter instead of joint, and we'll fight spousal support tooth and nail. Now...I'm telling all of you guys this part, not her.

I will also tell her that I know almost exactly how many men she has had contact with over the past four years and that I have the evidence all ready to go should she decide to be an asshole during the divorce.

All this does is help her. Better to keep her in the dark.

I will tell her that I plan on being more than fair and equitable in the divorce

Why say or do this? How does this help you?

but that she should start looking for full time work now instead of later.

Still giving her too much information.

***

The point that I and others are trying to make is that while we (kind of) understand your enormous pain, and that you want her to know that you have her by the balls - the thing is - you already have her by the balls, even if you didn't know anything else.

Sharing any additional information with her - even the fact that you know more than you did when you first confronted her - is just giving her more information to work with against you. For her to try to pull out of you. For her to maybe to go through your stuff to find out more or perhaps have somebody follow you.

At this point she is your enemy. You never show your enemy your cards.

Don't let your enemy even know how many cards you have, or that you even have cards!

Of course this is just my advice, so you are going to do what you feel is right, but just tell the kids, and don't let your wife know ANYTHING until divorce papers are dropped on her.

And I understand how incredibly hard it is, because she should be feeling tremendous anxiety, but she is feeling it, and it will be worse for her if you play it cool and don't tell her anything.

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.- Sun Tzu

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.- Sun Tzu

QFT

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.- Sun Tzu

I get it. But I'm not fighting the Mongolians. I have three women here to contend with and I have to be very judicious in what I reveal and what I don't. I get that you guys don't want me showing my hand to my WW in regards to my findings and so far I haven't. I get it. But at the same time I have to be realistic. My WW is not stupid. She's a whore, but she's not a dumb whore. After 20 years she can read me like a bible, and the 180 is only helping me cloak my intentions so much.

I will not tell her my intentions when it comes to the divorce. My plan is for us to sit the girls down and tell them straight up that their mom cheated and I'm divorcing her. If they ask how when and where it will be up to my WW to answer. I want to see how she answers. I want to see what lies she tells them. I don't plan on correcting her lies. No. I will keep what I know close to my chest. But ultimately my goal for this meeting is to make sure that I'm not blamed by her for what she did. If she lies or minimizes the extent of her cheating, then she lies. Those lies will eventually come to the surface.

If I can make it through that meeting without blowing my top it will be a miracle. I plan to record the whole thing and keep myself in check.

Last night was weird. I had planned on getting together with my WW and talking about how we were going to break the news to the girls this weekend. Instead, my WW's aunt showed up unannounced as she often does when she comes to visit from Chicago. She's a nice lady who I like a lot, and she is about 80 years old and still spry as a coil spring.

It took her about ten seconds to suss something was very wrong in the Westway household. She made nice small talk, we smiled fake smiles, acted like the happy couple we used to be, but by the time she left we knew the gig was up.

Aunty is going to be spreading the news with the in-laws that something is shaking. I looked at my WW and just shook my head and said "You better start coming up with some explanations for your family, because the Italian drama-express is about to hit us fast, and I'm not covering up for you. I'm not going to spread the word about what you did, but I'm not going to lie for you either, and you sure as shit better not start telling lies about me." She got this frozen, defeated look on her face and I just turned around and went up to bed.

[This message edited by Westway at 10:23 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

So what if she tells your girls "it was just once and I begged Westway to forgive me but he won't!"

Let's be real, your WW isn't going to tell them the full story (don't blame her). However, she will try to minimize, you don't know how much.

You are in a terrible position that no father ever wants to be, having to explain to kids about their mother's infidelity (or any parent really, role reversal).

It's your call. If I were in your shoes, if you started the conversation, I would give very basic information but make clear it was not a one time thing and after some discussion with WW, you realize this is not something you can forgive/forget. WW knows that you know it's more than one and ongoing for sometime. You aren't giving anything away there.

Just trying to be helpful. I know it won't be easy in any way, I wish your family the best. It might be a blessing in disguise that your kids have some idea what is going on.

My WW is not stupid. She's a whore, but she's not a dumb whore.

Man I just about spit out my coffee. Cracked me up.

You are doing great.

Someone messaged me and asked for a synopsis of the findings. Here it is in bullet point form:

2014

14 hotel charges at various hotels around the city and burbs, totaling $4,203 in hotel bills charged to my WW's credit card of which I am co-user. Fvie of these stays coincide with dates where I was out of town on business. The rest of the charges were short duration stays (a couple hours here and there) during the work week.

934 text messages to OM#1 from 2/2014 to 12/2014. 57 cell phone calls to OM#1 in 2014. 57 emails to OM#1 in 2014. Many of these texts and calls increased around the dates of the hotel stays.

34 text messages to OM#2. 14 cell calls to OM#2, all which coordinate within two weeks and on the day before one of the hotel stays.

23 text messages to OM#3. 5 cell calls to OM#3 which all coordinate with the dates of the last two hotel stays.

12 tab charges at two local nightclubs totaling $1,335 in 2014 (and this from a woman who claims she never parties or drinks). The dates coincided with my work trips out of town.

2015

$3,455.00 in hotel bills covering 22 stays at local hotels.

7 tab charges at three nightclubs and four bars totaling $973.00 in 2015.

1,223 text messages, 134 emails with nude pics, and 115 cell calls to OM#1 during 2015 corresponding with 7 hotel meetups.

57 text messages to new OM#4, 31 emails with nude pics, and 15 cell calls corresponding with 3 hotel meetups.

41 text messages to OM#5 and ten cell calls corresponding with 2 of the hotel stays.

134 text messages, 23 profane e-mails with pics, and 22 cell calls to OM#6 corresponding with 4 hotel stays.

123 text messages, 41 emails with nude pics, and 3 calls to an OM#7 that do not appear to have culminated in a hotel stay.

$1,345 in purchases from Cacique and AdoreMe online lingerie sales, none of which I have ever seen her wear. (Proving this one is dicey because she could have been buying stuff for wedding showers and such. She has many girlfriends, nieces and other gals she buys gifts for).

2016

$2,334 in hotel charges covering 15 stays.

$432 in nightclub tabs.

773 text messages to OM#1, 23 dirty emails with nude pics, and 212 cell calls. Most of these correspond with 6 hotel stays.

OM#3 from 2014 is back with 56 texts and 14 cell calls all corresponding with 3 hotel stays.

73 text messages to a new OM#8 and 23 emails covering 2 of the hotel stays where an OM#9 (assuming a buddy of his) were both with WW at the same time.

234 texts, 41 emails and 12 cell calls to OM#10 which correspond with 6 of the last hotel stays of 2016. She apparently must have really liked this guy because she seemed solely concentrated on him from September through December 2016.

2017

$4,334 covering 25 hotel stays.

$334 in nightclub and

1,334 texts, 271 emails and 123 cell calls to OM#10 from January to August. She seems to have settled on him exclusively for most of 2016. 17 of the hotel stays correspond with the e-mails and texts. All of these I paid for since she was a "SAHM".

71 texts and 33 cell calls to a new OM#11 from August to September. 3 of the hotel stays corresponding.

144 texts, 112 calls and 51 rude e-mails to OM#12 and five hotel stays corresponding.

2018

$1,324 covering 13 hotel stays.

$789 at 4 nightclubs and 3 bars.

$432 for online lingerie, again none of which I have seen her wear.

230 texts, 71 calls and 33 emails to OM#12, corresponding to 6 hotel stays.

OM#1 is back starting in June of 2018! 231 texts, 21 cell calls and 34 nasty emails. 4 hotel stays corresponding.

32 texts, 5 cell calls to OM#11 who has returned. 3 hotel stays corresponding.

2019 to D-day

$1,222 covering 8 hotel stays

$331 in nightclub and bar tabs.

321 texts, 41 calls and 11 emails to OM#1.

________________________________________________

$16,872 TOTAL HOTEL STAYS SINCE 2014.

$4,194 TOTAL NIGHTCLUB/BAR EXPENSES OF WHICH I WAS NOT PRESENT WITH HER ONE TIME.

$1,777 TOTAL LINGERIE

Can you all see the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead? I'm the king of suckers.

$10,333 in PI bills, but it has been worth it. I'm adding that to the D till.

And OM#1 is a bitch. I've seen him, know where he lives, how long he's been married, how many kids he has and where he works. He's my size, but out of shape and flabby. I may pay him a visit one day after all this is over and give him the beat-down of his life. Then I'm going to show him, through the one good eye he has open, the proof that my WW was calling and texting him from the hotels while she was fucking other guys, just in case he was under the impression that he was her only back door man.