SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My Christmas sucked and so did new years!! Is it 2021 yet?!😁😁

Lol, Pink, I hear you! My goal is that 2021 will be terrific for Future BSR, but for now, Present BSR still has a ton of Past BSR's backlog to work through.

I start with a new therapist on the 13th.

Hi all!!!

M popping in with a husband brag! For our anniversary (New Years Eve), he surprised me with a trip away and he went above and beyond to make it a special time for us both. We so needed that! The highlight was that we went to a spa for a couples massage and then spent the day soaking up the spa. There was a Himalayan salt meditation room, which was amazing and there was a mineral pool that felt amazing. Such a thoughtful gift considering how important meditation and mindfulness are.

We also had what he described as ‘porn star sex’ and I appreciated that. Honestly, now that I don’t worry about pleasing him and just appreciate the intimacy in the moment, things have been so good! I’m just feeling pretty in love these days and I am so thankful for our current state. He has never been more supportive or understanding or present since we first started dating. It really is a new marriage these days and one that I’m so happy to be in. I finally understand what real love is... how it’s the whole package. It encompasses everything. I have my better half, my best friend and 4th favorite human in the world... and also my very own porn star. Ha!

Oh and I had a book made for him that has us as the main characters. It’s our Bitmoji and then I personalized it to add in our private jokes. The 12 yr traditional gift is silk so wrapped it in silk. The book was called ‘our love story’. It was nice. He cried and couldn’t read it aloud. I think this anniversary was our best get. It feels good.

So here is my question... shoukd I consider us reconciled? I feel like that somehow lets me off the hook for my past indiscretions. I’m scared to label it bc I feel like that finalizes it. As a wayward, I’ll always be in recovery. I need to always be accountable and aware of my capabilities. I can’t forgive myself enough to feel like I deserve the term reconciled. Maybe because I’m thinking if it as rehabilitated? Just random foenix thoughts maybe. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pink- I’m sorry. Let’s go out for a whiskey. 💔

FR - Ideally, I always thought reconciled would mean we both felt we were. In our case, he started feeling we were before I felt we could possibly be. I also think I tied it to my own recovery, which now I am thinking of my self less of being in recovery, and more of a conscious and open eyed way of being.

Labels are labels, and they really mean nothing in the scheme of things. I don't mean the gift of reconciliation or our marriage is not important. What I mean is marriage is always a work in progress, we are always a work in progress, being mindful and thankful is more important. Staying open to each other. All of those things. Noone else can tell you if you are reconciled or not. These days I think both H and I consider ourselves reconciled after the A. We are more invested in our marriage and our journey now than what is in the rear view.

But, like you I still see the layers coming off and more and more self recognition. I had to be with family some over the holiday break and I have to say that I never felt more removed or appalled by their behavior, and more understanding than ever how I formed and it allows me to break away further from some toxic thinking that I was having and wondering about.

These honeymoon periods are wonderful - be mindful that marriage is always going to be up and down, sometimes when we come off of those times we can easily become even more disconcerted than prior to the A. I think it's because in marriage we have these peaks and valleys that are benchmarks kind of, and we can never go back to knowing how low the valley can get and how much pain and distance that can exist between two people. I have found that fear can be greater now because I never want to go back to that place.

Enjoy these moments though - they are bonding and they are important.

I posted this on my most recent thread, but really feel the need to vent about my new “stalker” situation happening. It’s really hammering home lessons already learned over the past year, and that’s far surpassing the crap of this situation.

Specifically:

BW ONCE AGAIN can’t even feel safe in her own home. Another interloper bringing weird unbelievable allegations to her, and with some hints of violence against a family member- Me, so at least physically removed, but still harm she wouldn’t wish on anyone.

The fact that ludicrous statements come, and I think she’s not sure she can’t rule them out. They are ludicrous, and she absolutely would’ve said they were pre-DDay, but now...(?)

All this just piles up to be ridiculous. And I know she’s still having a hard time getting through the days.

On the plus side just prior we had an ok discussion and her response was at least there wasn’t anything I could do better or worse to help. That’s what I take as successes these days...