I have never seen anything more disconcerting than what my XWH turned into with drugs. He started as one person and ended as something else. And it happened fast. I don't know what goes on in their brains, but they lose their humanity and become utterly incapable of anything resembling who you thought they were before. That this is pretty universal among addicts is insane all by itself.
Well said, Dee. They start to not even look like people anymore. My addict seemed like a strange, very lifelike robot, his eyes simultaneously void of any human emotion, but also filled with an animal-like fear and demon-like rage. Those eyes were truly the stuff of nightmares.
Some people take themselves hostage to control others. Sometimes the ransom isn't paid. That isn't on us.
This is a universal truth that anyone in relation to an addict needs to wrap their head around. I have a few addicts in my family, so I've watched this dynamic play out several times, and while it's always a little different due to circumstances, it's also eerily the same.
I like to think of the addiction as its own entity, kind of like the devil on their shoulder, or some kind of amorphous black gaseous blob of evil that follows them around. If you've ever watched Fern Gully, in my head it's exactly like the black blob called Hexxus, and honestly that character's storyline is a lot like addiction.
Addiction with a capital A, I call it, and the addict is really just Addiction's host. And Addiction hates it when Addiction is not the center of attention. Addiction will not stand for it. So Addiction will tell its host to do everything that it can to make sure it gets everything it needs.
Need a hit but you're broke? Beg, borrow, steal, sell your body, or your belongings, or your child's belongings, or literally whatever you need to do to get that hit. And the next one. And the next. The addict knows it's wrong, but Addiction is right there to nudge them along. Need a hit, but you're high and shouldn't drive? There's Addiction, whispering over the addict's shoulder, "It's only a couple of miles, you'll be fine."
And it is a twisted relationship. Because whenever the addict's needs aren't being met, Addiction is right there, making all of the promises in the world to fulfill them. Bad day at work? Addiction is there. Fight with your spouse? Addiction is there. Kids not doing well in school? Addiction is there. Financial trouble? Addiction is there. Midlife crisis? Addiction is there. Because taking that drink or that hit will solve all of your problems. It will make it all better, Addiction says so, so it must be true.
Addiction never actually follows through on any of its promises, though. Addiction does not solve any of the addict's problems, it makes them worse. But, Addiction is always there - the ear to bend, the shoulder to cry on. That's one thing to be said for Addiction, it will never abandon you. Addiction is faithful as hell. So faithful that it will kill you rather than lose you. Addiction is an abuser, and the addict is abused. And much like in actual abusive relationships, the addict has to be the one to leave, because Addiction never will. Addiction will keep using the addict as a punching bag for as long as the addict will allow it. Also, much like the patterns we see in those who have been abused, they themselves can become abusers - so the addict remains faithful to Addiction, but abuses everyone else in his/her path.
I don't say any of that to take any agency away from the addict. They are still making choices, and just because Addiction has taken over, doesn't mean they aren't responsible for every single one of them. But it has helped me to view it that way when I start ruminating on how my XH could have become what he became. When I have those thoughts of, How? Why? It helps me to be able to say, because he's not human anymore, he is a human host for Addiction.
You never asked him to kill himself.
This. Say this to yourself over and over. He said he wouldn't live without you, and he followed through on that. I know how painful that is, and I understand the feelings of guilt that come along with it. We should not feel guilt for the actions someone else took, and yet we do. In situations like these, our work is in not letting the coulda-woulda-shouldas take over our thoughts for too long. There's nothing you should have done, because it's his own choice to make, and nothing you could have done would have saved him, because he was hell bent on destroying himself.
Yes, it is maddening to know that the strongest commitment these people make is to their destructive, and sometimes life-ending, behavior. That all the follow through in the world could have been applied to making healthier decisions, and they chose to apply all of that to the unhealthy path instead. But it was never on you to save him from himself.
[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 12:06 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]