SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

👏👏👏👏 to Dragonfly about the children, and HT, and a couple of others I now can't remember.

All of the justifications for a RA that I've read on here are the same shit spewed by the original CPs. It all boils down to entitlement. It won't level the playing field. It will not hurt the CP the way it hurt the blindsided BP. It will give the CP ammo to use against the BP, now CP.

The only time I can maybe understand it is when the CP is the BP's one and only. Even in that case, I would suggest legal separation with the clear understanding between both parties that the BP is going to explore what else is out in an effort to decide whether or not they want to stay in the M. It would have nothing to do with hurting the CP or leveling the playing field. It would have everything to do with the BP getting the life experience to make a truly informed decision about a life commitment.

The idea of being creeped out by someone who stays true to their own faith or integrity or moral standards even when separated is bizarre to me. Separation does not necessarily mean the M is over. Even if it does, if it's just a formality because the state require it before final D, it's probably best to not jump right into another relationship. Most people would benefit from taking time for healing and introspection after such a major life event, especially when infidelity is involved. I am atheist, but I totally get 36's POV. His M isn't over yet. Why would he enter into another relationship now?

I agree with OIN that a M isn't supposed to be about sacrifice. Again, that is very bizarre thinking to me. It's supposed to be about gain. I wouldn't get married if it meant giving up something that was important to me. I would find someone to marry who wouldn't expect me to give it up, if my goal were marriage. I would, and I thought I did, only marry someone who enhanced and added to my life. My M and my family are bonuses, a gain, not sacrifices.

I contemplated a RA early on. I even had someone in my sights. I didn't do it. I don't think I could've have sex with someone else and come back t0 my H. I would've felt gross. The idea of sleeping next to my H after just having sex with someone else is repulsive to me. I can't even imagine being in the same house afterwards.

Is, only addressing you because you are the last one to post the idea, while you may feel that having revenge sex has helped you, there are other, healthier, ways you could've been helped. You say you feel like a man again. I would ask, why do you feel sex is what defines you as a man? Why do you feel so emasculated by the fact that your CW had sex with another? What she did was not about your or your manliness or masculinity. It was all about her. Why do you need that external validation? Exploring that with an experienced therapist may be more helpful in the long run.

I felt so emasculated I could not cope. ...I had sex with several women after. One night stands. Know what? It helped me. I felt like a man again.

EXACT SAME justification a typical wayward makes.

x, y, z happened to me and I couldn't cope. So, because I was an unhealthy person with no coping skills, I reached for (affair).

fix your coping skills, or lack thereof. They were there, or lacking, before your wife cheated.

Read the last paragraph of coconuts a few times.

[This message edited by sewardak at 11:20 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

I feel the need to see if I need my WW.

We need food water, some shelter. We're healthier if we connect with other people. I don't think it's healthy for an adult to need a specific person, though. A relationship is probably stronger when it's based on want rather than need.

I love her but what she did was disgusting and may be a deal breaker.

Would you say the same thing about your cheating?

Some may say “ just leave her”. I get that but after 28 years I need to know if that is the right thing to do.

It's definitely a right thing to do. What keeps you from accepting that?

Being loyal for so long has left me wondering what I’m in is my relationship a fraud?

I don;t get that. Did you expect that your fidelity would guarantee your W's?

What I feel is a good relationship actually not good?

You get to define what you want in a relationship. If you're getting what you want, doesn't that mean the relationship was good?

Now you know you've been betrayed. You have a simple choice to make: (re)build the relationship into one that you want or leave. Both are OK choices.

I feel the need to separate and date other women to find out.

Is it OK for your W to date other people?

Personally, I think one is either M or not, and if one is M, that means dating no one but one's spouse. You are free to negotiate a different type of M, though.

*****

The thoughts that you have expressed make me wonder if you're in the throes of 'post-infidelity' trauma or if you really don't want to be M to your W.

Are you in IC with a competent C? A good IC can help you a lot. So far, I think you've been doing long-term damage to yourself.

I know, I know. You'll want to defend, but there's no need. I have my opinion, and you have yours. Only time will tell who is right.

I would suggest legal separation with the clear understanding between both parties that the BP is going to explore what else is out in an effort to decide whether or not they want to stay in the M. It would have nothing to do with hurting the CP or leveling the playing field. It would have everything to do with the BP getting the life experience to make a truly informed decision about a life commitment.”

Yes I agree with this statement. I am in IIC btw. Some say in or out.. that’s just it. I don’t know. I love her. If a person was in an abusive relationship for many years he or she may feel it’s the “norm” not knowing what a good relationship actually is. But what if that person jaws in an “ok” marriage?........ normal except for 1 incident of infidelity. Why should that person either stay or go. If they still love their spouse and they wanted to get a baseline to what is acceptable to stay in why is that soaring? If they D it’s done. They may Godard later and realize their marriage although not perfect they, was worth giving a try to save what if it was a toxic marriage but this person could not see it being with this toxic person for so long?

I just don’t know what to do but I don’t want to throw it away if it’s not as bad as I feel it is. I’ve been honest with my wife about my feelings. I’ve told her I feel i have to find myself see if I need to be here with her or not . She is free to do the same however she says she will not stray again. She says she has already and wants none of it again. I’m his is encouraging to me but I still need to know if staying is right. After all...... the rest of my life starts now. I want and deserve peace and happiness

I've been away for a while and thought this thread was probably dead. Imagine my thrill to see the discussion is still ongoing with some excellent points. cocoplus5nuts, sewardak and sisoon pretty much stated my original position.

An affair is an affair, despite stealing the justifications given by many WS's.

Our WS made a justification by the choice he or she made. We don't have to make the same choice.