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Unfortunately she is a typical lying WW. She is in protection mode. Trying to keep the safety of her home life to support her actions when away.

As per Neanderthal post schedule the polygraph without her knowledge.

You have lost all trust for her. Her boundaries are shit. She has a lot of work to do to get some of it back.

Has she said what she was after, a fling, new sex or just the attention. How did she think her actions would affect her children?

Poly and good luck, I feel there is more to her sexting

She swears she had no intention on cheating on me and was only interested in the attention he was giving her to feel good about herself. I asked her then why did he speak sexual to her and why did the kiss and photos happen. She said that she was afraid she would lose the attention if she didn’t do it.

How she explains it not what I believe . As far as our family she didn’t stop to think of any of us and how it would hurt us. She claims she worried after the kiss but thought I would just be mad and didn’t expect me to feel the way I do about it. Which is stupid

[This message edited by Cal23 at 5:25 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Three suggestions:

1. Ask for a detailed timeline. There will be a question about the timeline during the Poly.

2. She needs to understand that truthfulness is the most important ingredient to any relationship. Some BS divorce not over the act of infidelity, but because of the constant lying. How can there be a relationship without trust? How is it possible?

3. She should read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair".

I’m just hoping the mother of my two small children and the love of my life the last 11 years isn’t that shitty of a person. But time will expose al. 😞

Listen I'm sorry you're here, based on what you posted there's a good chance you caught this A before it went sexual, now if they kissed and hugged (most likely groping) it's a PA, but again at this point this is a best case scenario, the problem is that at the speed this was progressing it would have become sexual (if it hadn't already) in a matter of days, after she decided to send him nudes, the next logical step is sex, think about it, the OM was not going to settle for pictures and she welcomed the advance when he said he wanted to grab her thighs (and of course everything else), so hes your WW is that person, she was going to have physical A with this guy.

1) Tell her to write a complete timeline of the A, how it started, when, where, who knew at work, etc.

2) Tell her to apologize to the family, at least both sets of parents (they were betrayed too), to her this was not a big deal, hence the "just a peck" comment.

3) Have her read, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, it helps a lot with boundaries, your WW seems to have none.

4)Get Fonelab and run recovery software on her phone.

5) Book a polygraph test, make sure she's off that day and tell her to get in the car, when you get to the parking lot tell her why you're there and that she has one last chance to come 100% clean and that the M hangs in the balance. Besides the obvious question about it being a PA, the second should be: "besides this A, have you ever had any A either physical or emotional and/or any other inappropriate relationship since we started dating?", remember cheaters lie and only admit to what you can prove, this may not necessarily be her first rodeo.

6) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, at a minimum ask him about a postnuptial agreement in your favor, in case she cheats again in the future, remember she's now a proven cheater and a liar, what's going to happen when the next guy shows her "attention" ?.

7) Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment and the collective wisdom of SI can help you through this difficult situation.

That is one of the most upsetting things I’ve gone through with this. After 11 years of marriage and family this guy got her to do those things in less than two weeks according to her timeline. It hurts because it shows how she had no respect for me, herself or our marriage.

Poly, poly, poly!!! Trust your gut. If she sent him pics and lied to you, she slept with him! Grown ass adults have sex. Take care of yourself BUT get to the truth and a poly will do it, at least a parking lot confession.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst Cal.

You are heading for a rough ride but try to keep your wits about you and think of your kids.

She has already admitted kissing him having feelings for and for some reason throwing up. After an illicit kiss I can see people saying WTF did I just do, vomiting? Well that could be more.

Reconsider making excuses about her bumpkin home schooled never had experience before. If she is a woman she has dealt with advances and flirty remarks from men for her her whole life maybe every day according to friends of mine.

Why did she choose him sext with, give a string of heart emojis and "kiss", send "nudes" too. She will say "I don't know" or "for the attention" then like a good investigator you say, "And then what?" IMO there is more to this story. Don't let her turn the table to blame you while she is in her CYA mode.

God this is hard 😞

Cal, thank you for the backstory on her life and your marriage. Advice can vary a great deal based on the particulars of a story.

I am not defending cheaters under any circumstances, but sometimes the vulnerabilities and pressures help explain why someone became vulnerable to temptation who should have been strong in their commitment. Even understandable circumstances, however, do not make a justification or excuse. But, if and when coupled with true remorse, they can make R more possible.

Get the book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald and read it and mark it up and give a short deadline to read and come talk to you. You will find out right away if she has it in her to R.

Sorry Cal

I should have mentioned that both of you need to have STD/STI checks. Some infections can be passed by saliva or a finger being inserted. Not being rude but she did kiss him.

Odanna,

To date I see nothing in the responses from WW that indicate she knows how to become a safe partner. Nothing.

Cal23,

See above. I know this is scary. But you are in limbo. You have 11 years of marriage. Now coming up on 4 months of limbo. It is scary. You need to get through this.

Whatever your WW did, she is not a safe partner right now. Her boundaries suck ass. Completely unsafe to be an adult wife in this world.

I would do the poly. You need to move this forward. Find out what she did and move on from there.

If penis in vagina is a dealbreaker for you, that's fine. You are completely entitled. I am assuming you do not want a repeat of this either even if it was just a kiss. Whatever your boundaries, set them and stick to them. Even if you have to walk. Otherwise, you will remain in trickle truth limbo.

Hang in there. Take one step at a time.

Post often. Seek support from friends and family

I am more concerned with a physical affair. Emotions can be misleading and can change. Once she engages in something physical you can never get that back

Ya that's true, but how about sending a photo of your boobs to some guy at work? Can you ever get that back?

Lucky you, you get to play parent to your wife acting like a teenager. That's going to slowly kill your soul. Monitoring her and lecturing her to behave.

Hang in there. Other posters have suggested some intensive IC for her to get to the bottom of her behaviour. If it doesn't change, or if she doesn't work at changing it... you're looking at a shitty marriage. It's on her, other than lying what's she going to do to make this right?

edit - forgot to add, awesome job notifying HR and the other jerk's girlfriend.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 9:37 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Given her almost total lack of experience in the real world she likely has no experience in shutting guys down. Have her read Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. Yes, she is an adult, but it sounds like she is way behind where a normal adult her age would be navigating the real world of adult interaction. I think that may be why she is acting like a high school girl instead of a mature woman.

My friend, it should be obvious to you by now she is not going to tell you anything more on her own. And you have stated not knowing is driving you crazy.

You have also stated that if she had sex it’s a deal breaker. That may or may not prove true and no one should be pushing you either way yet.

Your choices are simple . You either take your guts out trying all sorts of electronic methods to catch her or you simply call a polygraph examiner and you will have your answers in less than a few hours.

And the first simple yes/no question is

Have you had sec with anyone other than hubby since marriage . And the examiner will explain to her what your definition of sexual is

As a matter of fact. The minute you tell, not ask, her that that is mandatory for you to want to R, her reaction will tell you a lot

If she’s telling the truth her response should be leys gondo

It

My guess is that’s may not be what you hear

God this is hard 😞

Get strong and stay there or it'll be worse than you can imagine

So many people here have been lied to by their Wayward spouse that there is a tendency to jump to conclusions that any affair between local adults included sex

This statement above is true.

The affair begins and ends with lies. When people are caught they tend to lie their asses off. However, it doesn't mean that everyone has progressed to sex when they have been caught.

The therapist is correct, she needs IC before she can really deal with her actions, because she needs to grow up in a way that she has not managed to achieve despite being an adult, wife, mother, employee.

She definitely was on the slippery slope, heading toward a full blown affair, and she has boundary and self esteem issues. The question is "why" and that is where IC tries to get to.

Lets assume for a moment that she hasn't had sex with him.

She may still think that she wouldn't have gone that far. That is not true though, given the right situation, she probably, almost certainly, would have proceeded. The triggers to proceed to sexual activity can be many things, alcohol, anger, loneliness, depression, fear, isolation, and argument at home, a hard come on by the AP and a sense of inevitability and "obligation" to give it up, all sorts of nonsense, even a lack of self direction at what to do in the encounters.

Even if they didn't have sex, you still have a major shit sandwich to deal with, the sex isn't the point, the fact is it is a major betrayal, and there is no minimizing this situation.

Given her almost total lack of experience in the real world she likely has no experience in shutting guys down.

Then she isn't a safe partner. It doesn't matter why someone isn't a safe partner. She is not. She apparently can't be trusted to leave the house and not fall under the spell of some other man. Or open her legs because she likes the words the man is saying.

This is standard for this board in the overall rug sweeping attitude. That waywards, ahem cheaters, need to read a book to figure out that they cheated.

Responses are getting better. Everyone throwing worse case scenarios at me I’m sure are reacting like I did in first discovery. Everything said regarding her sleeping with him, bjs, and every other worse case always runs in my mind. I appreciate those of you that are looking at it in different perspectives that helps the most. Thank you

So many people here have been lied to by their Wayward spouse that there is a tendency to jump to conclusions that any affair between local adults included sex

No one can know for sure. It is speculation.

However, how many come here with red flags, etc. and it turns out not to be what it looks like?

From what I've seen, rarley.