SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"After 11 years of marriage and family this guy got her to do those things in less than two weeks..."

Exactly this. She's got issues and it has nothing to do with FOO. She was headed full speed into going physical with the first man that showed her some attention. I hope for your sake that she didn't go full physical; I do hope you caught it in time. The problem now is how to ever trust that she'll gather up some moral fiber and keep herself for you only. My ex was full-on physical but even if I'd caught it earlier I'd probably have divorced her so I didn't spend the rest of my life checking and wondering.

Think about your future happiness. Take care of yourself.

Have you scheduled the polygraph?

I am more concerned with a physical affair. Emotions can be misleading and can change. Once she engages in something physical you can never get that back. Just a viewpoint I guess.

Don't dismiss an emotional affair, especially when there's a sexual element. It's just as damaging to a marriage as it would have been if they hooked up and had sex in a parking lot. Especially for a woman.

I caught my wife in a very similar situation, athough the guys she was playing around with were all either across the country, or in Canada. The closest guy to us was 3 states away. Everything was online, and it included inappropriate pictures, sexting, video, and FaceTime. That was almost 2 years ago, and it still eats at me every day.

My wife carried on with multiple guys for over a year, including after I caught her with the first guy. She made the mistake of leaving her phone in my truck one evening, and he texted her. I found the phone and saw the text and that triggered the entire investigation and discovery for me.

We're trying to reconcile now, but it was a long painful process to get to this point, and even now I'm not sure if I'm fully committed to saving this marriage. I just don't trust her.

You'll see soon enough. Get the poly and hold her feet to the fire.

You my want to start asking yourself, Do I want to play marriage police to my wife for the rest of our marriage? You may not have to, She may be remorseful and never do this again, But this may be a question you have to ask yourself...

Ok I'm late to this party.

I have to agree that you are minimizing the impact of an EA.

Your wife needs some serious therapy before you can even consider saving this M.

Step back and consider this. She consciously chose to lie and have ongoing communication with this man because it made her feel good. She made this choice again and again, and again. That is really unhealthy. Until she fixes the need for others to make her feel good, she will never be a safe partner, regardless of if she had sex this time or not, there will be other opportunities, and if she can't say no to the ego kibbles, you will never be safe.

I would demand that she get tested for STI's as well. If she didn't have sex she will hop at the opportunity to prove it. If she did you will probably get excuses. If you get excuses, then you need to stop having sex with her without protection totally. This sets a no nonsense tone from your standpoint, and also allows you to take back some control, and protect your own health.

I would also urge you to see an attorney to understand your rights, her obligations and how things will go if she doesn't start to do the real work to become a safe healthy partner. Knowledge is power, and honestly you shouldn't make a choice to stay or go without fully understanding the options you have.

This is a huge trauma. For many of us it's the worst thing we have ever gone through. If you are struggling with eating/sleeping etc please call your Dr. Get a referral for an IC for yourself, and let them know if you aren't able to eat or sleep . Many of us benefited from medication to help us over the initial shock of Dday.

I just re-read this, "I want to grab your thighs and kiss your body” "at which she replied with 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍" "...he said he had feelings for her and had a hard time being around her at work. She said she felt the same way and then said she almost kissed him!"

Then she's doing the typical trickle-truthing after the fact which went into kissing but stopped at intercourse? And they've had plenty of opportunity to have sex? I'm sorry but this smells like they've been screwing. Your WW I'm sure is doing her best to convince you that she didn't F the guy but I think she did. A changing story equals lies on top of lies. She's lying to your face and she knows it. You desperately want to believe her so unless you polygraph her or a witness comes forward, you'll never know. I feel sorry for you. I've been where you are and it sucks. Notifying the OBS can help in that the OBS will be able to garner information about the affair from the OM. He might be more willing to tell the truth than your WW. That works in your favor. It worked in mine.

.I asked her then why did he speak sexual to her and why did the kiss and photos happen. She said that she was afraid she would lose the attention if she didn’t do it.

So she’s a victim in this? I think not. ROFLMAO 🤣 when cheaters try to portray themselves as “unwillingly going along”.

No one forced her into this. Your cheater is not the first to allege this as a “defense” or excuse. She needs to come up with something better than this. Next she’ll tell you that the affair is the betrayed spouse’s fault.

Hey maybe she did not send those texts. Her email or phone was hacked

My take on this is that you are not getting the whole story. It looks like she is using Trickle Truth to see how much you can take. This is killing the marriage more than the affair has. It's killing any trust you have in her and making you question everything. Has she read "how to help your spouse heal? It sounds like you've done most of the foot work (tell HR, tell GF, MC...) and she has been going along with it...only telling you bits and pieces.

You could also try doing a cut and paste of the letter here https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

it explains how you are trying to see if you can forgive the affair but you need to know what you are forgiving. You don't want to find out in 3 months that they kissed several times, or had sex, or ... that you can't keep trying to heal if she keeps opening up the wound with fresh cuts.

A poly is expensive and I know you have a young family. Could her job go to paying for it? ... with all of that TT it might be what you need to really move past this. The amount of times she has told you "that's it, that's everything...." and then revealed more will make it difficult to really believe her when she has told you everything.

If you do a poly I'd have a heart to heart prior and give her one last chance to come clean. I don't like ultimatums but saying something like "I don't want to waste money on a poly that you fail. I'd rather hear everything now and have you pass. We can discuss next steps on what to do with our marriage if you pass." If you are still lying to me and fail the poly I don't know how I will regain enough trust in you to save the marriage.... ".

This also means that you will need to trust the poly if she passes.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you.

Hey brother. Sorry you're here. I have to agree with Dismayed2012 ^^^

I hope it never went full physical, but my 2 cents from someone who's ww had multiple PA's and EA's:

There was a clear difference in "texture" of the conversations with my wife's AP's that had not yet gone physical.

The ones that she was working on (or that were working on her) were saying generic/silly stuff like you're beautiful, lets hang out, etc...

The ones that had already gone physical talked about touching, having feeling, etc...

Again, I hope you find out otherwise. But in my experience, few males are bold enough to risk rejection with suggestive talk unless they 1) have already crossed that line or 2) view it as almost a sure thing. There's certainly exceptions, but especially given the short time-frame, most guys dance around the edges to avoid being told no.