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Normally I make a point of only posting positive stuff. It’s just the way I am, and I kind of feel that putting negative things in writing makes them more permanent. But I’ve been wondering if others find a problem I have. We’re just over 7 months into R, and I can honestly say it’s mainly great. WH is genuinely contrite and wants to make things right. He is consistently loving and caring and definitely makes me feel loved. I know it’s entirely normal for me to still be traumatised at this point, 8 months out from DDay, but I’m finding that I will find myself focusing on one aspect of the A and getting stuck there for a few days. Does this make sense? It’s different aspects at different times, but even with WH being kind and caring and trying to help me through, my mind will get stuck. Yesterday I got upset about something and although we talked about it I am still tearful and stuck today. Yesterday evening I went to the theatre with my youngest daughter and cried my way through the show. Luckily it was something emotional! But today I’m still very upset and tearful. When I’m like this none of my usual ways of dealing with difficult thoughts help.

So I guess my question is: do others find this happens? and if so, do you have any tips for altering my thought pattern? And BTW, I’m not talking about new information, it’s stuff I already know about, but my mind gets stuck on one aspect.

I am a couple of months further on than you but not in R and more likely heading for D. Even so with all the things going on in my head there are still aspects of the A that I just can't get past. I see it as a huge mountain that I can't seem to navigate. If your H is working hard at R with you then he will accept your struggles, dont be afraid to let him know, it is early days and cannot be fixed with a band-aid.

Thank you Wintergarden. I’m definitely not afraid to let WH know how I’m feeling. When I get like this I NEED to talk to him about whatever is on my mind. He does his best, but in reality there’s never going to be much he can do other than continue to apologise. What happened happened and I need to find a way through the thoughts. We can’t change the past, much as we’d like to. It’s just so hard to get stuck with the same thoughts for days on end, particularly when they make you cry every time they come into your mind.

This is called processing. Your brain will continue to process the information until you somehow file it away and you also become desensitised by it. You need to talk it out but you also need to accept it. Yes it happened, you cannot change it, but you will return to the same piece of information over and over again and each time you will see it in a different light.

I am two years out and I still get those moments. I have become desensitised by it and it doesn’t floor me as it used to. It’s there, I process it again by being stuck on it, for me it’s more like ranging for a few minutes to a few hours now, I draw whichever conclusion I need from it and move on.

I don’t think changing the thought pattern is the answer to it. For me the answer was to be gentle on myself. To stop putting pressure on “forgetting” or not thinking about it. To talk about it with my WH mainly, to allow myself to grieve, to cry, to hurt. Because it is hurting like hell. But it does get better.

Thank you Luna. Good response! I need to stop trying to force myself to move on from these thoughts and allow myself to process them. I know they hurt less as time passes, so I guess patience is needed. It’s true, it is my mind trying to process painful information, I guess I hadn’t really thought of it that way, I’ve just been impatiently trying to move past the thoughts instead of allowing myself to process them. Thank you! Just reading your post has made me feel calmer.

You have to feel it to truly work through it. Always changing your negative thoughts to positive is not necessarily healthy. It can be quite unhealthy if you are avoiding the negative and the feelings it brings up.

Let yourself feel it. Let it flow through you. You are ok. You are safe to do that. You will eventually come out on the other end.

Oh yes. It happens. And it is processing. I've found that letting those feelings flow help far more than trying to hold them in.

Think of it this way. With anything - mechanics, medicine, etc. You have to purge the system of the bad before you can introduce anything good and have it work.

Wounds need to be lanced and cleansed before any medication can be effective.

In mechanical systems the gunky fluids need to be drained and the system cleaned before clean ones can be introduced and be effective.

Same with this shit - you have those bad, negative images/aspects [oh boy do I have them - I'll NEVER get the image of them curled up in bed together out of my brain - and yes, I have a whole series of photos of that]. Process them. Fell them. Cry, scream, run, whatever [healthy] works for you. Get it out of your system. Then begin with the picking yourself up to carry on. You can't do both at the same time. Opposite forces - creates for a tornado or hurricane. And all that does is cause destruction.

So, when they come, feel them and process them. Then when you are purged go about the business of being the awesome you that you are.