SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

you might consider a VAR in her car to ensure she doesn’t have a burner phone or isn’t still communicating or meeting with him. Would also give you intel about what she’s telling her friends about you, the marriage, the affair and so on.

First, I’m very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It’s a nightmare and we all know what it’s like. You can take some tangible steps right now to get your self clear of this moral morass.

You’ve gotten a lot of advice already, but some things to consider in addition to the VAR (you need a VAR to keep on your person anyway, so best to go get a few).

1. You’re doing the pick me dance. Stop doing that, flip the script and implement the 180 on your WW. It’s hard, yes, but necessary. She won’t respond to your pleas or needy attention. This is who your wife is, and while that’s very difficult to accept, the sooner you do accept it, the better. The way to deal with someone like this, man or woman, is to implement the 180 and take the steps outlined below.

2. See an attorney and get out in front of her on divorce. Seems counterintuitive, but you can make this real for her by putting a separation agreement in front of her.

Then — if she doesn’t want to separate — say “Then I need you to do these things — all of them. Not up for debate. Take it or leave it. The whole package.”

Here’s the non-negotiable package you offer if she wants to remain married:

1. She provides you with a documented NC text and email to her. Proves she has deleted social media contact with the OM (OMs).

2. Gives you a detailed day by day WRITTEN timeline of her infidelity. Make her write it down in a detail. No more Reader's Digest version, no more of you having to piece it together like a makeshift quilt. Make her detail day by day and if you need it hour by hour. "I don't remember" and "I don't know" are LIES. It will be harder for her to lie to a blank page. Tell her you don't want him wasting your time with a bunch of superfluous nonsense like "I never meant to hurt you" "this wasn't about you" "it just happened" -- Just the facts.

3. Turns her phone and social media accounts over to you for examination and retrieval software (Fonelab is the software to get, and it will also retrieve information from iCloud).

4. Agrees to a polygraph measuring the veracity of the written timeline. This is absolutely vital. Don't let her weasel his way out of this. This is a tool of psychic pressure -- your BEST tool -- for getting the truth. No debating about whether polys are accurate etc. It's "do this or f*ck off."

5. Reads and begins to immediately implement her own documented written plan from the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.

6. Takes a documented full STD panel to show she’s disease free. You should also do this IMMEDIATELY for your own safety.

7. Do not agree to couples counseling with him. She must enroll in IC with a betrayal trauma specialist (this is important so pay attention to therapist background), and same for you. Ideally it would be two IC’s who work together in a practice and each focuses on betrayal trauma.

None of that will decide whether you R or D. It will just provide transparency and a way for you to begin making informed decisions.

I think that you’re making a great decision to see a lawyer. You desperately need to have your ducks in a row. You have children and courts are often not kind to men in custody situations. You need to determine what is best for you and your kids in every possible scenario. You can’t control her, but you can protect yourself and the kids as much as possible.

She needs to quit her job or transfer. There is too much lying and negativity around her and she is feeding into it. Now that is only if you are wanting to R. If you decide to D, you want her income as solid as possible.

I think she is just talking big about divorce. Once it became real to her, it will throw her into a tailspin. Only you know her, so you are the best judge.

A var would be excellent in her car, she’s only at work once a week, so there has to be some other way that she’s communicating with friends and op. You need this information.

There’s a saying here at si, you have to be willing to lose the relationship to save it. Tushnurse’s story is a perfect example.

Get the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, as well as to just Friends. They are absolute essential reads.

Infidelity is murder on your health and self esteem. Get counseling and make your health an absolute priority. No relationship is worth the loss of health and self esteem.

I do think she is still in love with this guy.

Really?!? What a surprise! Especially considering the quote below:

In her IMs with this co worker and found that they were discussing a guy they were calling the banker; but I’m pretty sure it was her AP. Apparently my wife had used her co workers phone to get in touch with AP in some capacity and then the co worker was talking to him and relating things he said back to my wife. She even called my wife on her work phone to help hide it on Thursday. I did notice that my wife began acting unusual around the time I found the call came in.

Your WW is still in her A, it's just that she has pushed it underground. Her toxic enablers still surround her, and your WW loves it because they give her validation that what she is ding is 'right'.

I have resisted texting or calling this guy and telling him to F off.

First of all, do not do this. Even if he did back off, your WW would find another target. The problem is not with the AP, your problem is with your WW.

You know what you should do, but you are paralyzed by fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of missing out (FOMO), fear of being alone.

Friend,

I suggest that you ask a moderator to move your thread to the Just Found Out forum. Or you could republish your text there... you will get a lot more attention than in General

You don’t need to apologize, and you are not an idiot. If you take a walk outside, you will notice that some people are tall some short some bigger, smaller, etc... different people handle infidelity differently. In the JFO, there’s a thread where it took 500 posts before he got it right. It varies... and that’s ok.

Keep on posting and you’ll keep on getting advise and support.

For a lot of us, the biggest impediment for doing the right thing is the love we have for our cheating spouse. It’s hard, we know.

When I read your story, I see a WW that’s incredibly disrespectful to you She wants a nice stable husband at home and a fun and exciting BF on the side. If the husband make a fuss, just distract him with sex, gaslight, lie, and pretend nothing is going on.

Confrontation can be hard if you are conflict avoidant. For that reason, I suggest you keep it short. Don’t make it complicated. Don’t argue. There’s nothing to argue about.

Your marriage is gone. She destroyed it. Your WW wants a new marriage? Those are your conditions .... (read prior posts). Then walk away. Talk to your lawyer. Just like when you receive a telemarketer call. "I’m not interested".

You are not interested unless she meets all of your conditions.

You WW gets angry? Walk away. That’s it.

Try the 180. It will help you.

When you WW realizes that you are serious, she will either do whatever it takes to fix your marriage or she won’t. But you’ll be out of infidelity either way.

Keep on posting. As long as you post, we will reply.

Account,

In the upper left corner of this web page is a yellow box, in that yellow box is a bullet point labelled "The Healing Library". I suggest you click on this and start reading.

Also in the Just Found Out forum, there is a post at the top called the Tactical Primer. This is good information for those that have recently discovered the affair.

Taking control of the situation is in your best interest. This post:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

is from a poster named BeyondRage. He took control of his situation. I suggest you read his story.

You have received some excellent advice. Hopefully you can start to implement some of this to help you gain control of this situation.

Keep posting, we are here to listen and give you advice.